By CRYSTAL GUILLORY

Hi again, HORROR-WOOD readers, it’s another tale from the Queen of the B (movies) and this time she is going to tell you about a gift she received on her birthday.

This all started when my family and I went out to dinner for my birthday, and then came the time for the presents. I received wonderful things from bath and body works (ummm, warm vanilla sugar), candles, among other things. Then my mother gave me one last gift, so I was curious and I opened it. I now wish I hadn’t for my mother had given me a copy of 1964's The Atomic Brain.

Apparently my mother had not been able to get the images of They Saved Hitler's Brain out of her head since the last issue, so she found out through a nameless accomplice on what video would be equally painful to watch. My God, she did her homework well!

I immediately brought it home and decided to watch it that night. After all, I had tossed down a few drinks and I thought that would lessen the effect. Oh man was I ever wrong!

The movie opens with a disembodied voice talking about the transplantation of human brains and how it can cause monstrosities (the original title of this movie was Monstrosity) of nature. The attention is really given to this nude girl on a slab, but the straps cover the right places--otherwise this movie would get a completely different rating.  However, we find out from the voiceover guy something really disturbing, that this girl used to be in a cemetery until the doctor took her for his experiments (all together now: Ewwwwww!) on brain transplantation. She now has an animal's brain in her head and the brain cells are being stirred by atomic science (hence the movie’s title).

Apparently, that last experiment did not go so well, for Dr Frank and an assistant do a little late night body snatching. It would have gone oh so smoothly if it weren't for that pesky guard who got into their way. Just then, we discover that the assistant is a little "dogged" in his approach of helping the doctor, in fact the assistant has a dog's brain.

At this point I had to wonder if Dr Frank had to get this assistant his shots and does he have to keep him from drinking out of the toilet, but I digress. The good doctor and dog boy (yeah, he's a man but dog boy sounds sooo much better) bring the new body back to secret laboratory, which is under the house of the palatial estate of Mrs. March.

To say Mrs. March is a rich and bitter old woman would be saying the obvious. Good grief, this woman makes Mrs. Havisham look like a happy-go-lucky soul (check out Dickens’ Great Expectations at your local library to get that joke) as she looks over the applications of three foreign girls with no families for "domestic service." Okay, since when are body measurements needed on a resume? But I digress. At that point Mrs. March and her boy toy, Victor, hear a report on the radio about a break-in at the local cemetery and that a guard was murdered. Gee, wonder if her employee, Dr. Frank, could be behind that? So, Mrs. March and Victor go down to the good doctor's lab to find out.

Dr. Frank is beginning to work on the new girl, eagerly awaiting the fresh bodies promised to him. Hmmm, Mrs. March is expecting new girls…could this be another coincidence? Mrs. March begins to poke at the Doctor with her cane while Victor questions him about the news report. Not to worry, Dr Frank will blow the place up should a police car even come close to his lab. The attention is given to the new girl, who is brought to life but life without a functioning brain. Well, the girl has a future as a supermodel should she ever leave the lab.

We then switch scenes to an airport where we are introduced to the three victims…ah, girls. These girls are Nina (pronounced sometimes as NAI-NAH), Bea (with the oh-so-fake British accent and xylophone soundtrack) and poor timid Anita. The three just happen to meet and discover that they are all going to the same place to work, gee another coincidence. Bea makes a remark about it being a sister act, only I wish this movie was Sister Act. Victor arrives to pick up the three lovelies and takes the long drive to the estate. How long? Why, night has fallen by the time they get there!

Even though Anita is spooked at the sight of dog boy when they first walk in the door, they go on to meet their employer. Mrs. March then begins the usual interview procedures by poking at the girls with the cane, leering at their figures. Oh, man, the warning light would be on in my head sooo fast if this was happening to me. Mrs. March then demands for the girls to be examined by Dr Frank, thus following through the usual procedures of hiring domestics.

Considering how Mrs. March looked while leering at Bea, I had to wonder what issues the film’s director had. Bea is all too happy to comply and disrobe, bragging that she has the same measurements as Marilyn Monroe. It is all too apparent that Bea will get the job as the new body for Mrs. March's brain, while the other two become servants or guinea pigs depending on the mood of the doctor.

Bea is then led to her luxurious room with the one of a kind xylophone bed while the other two are given less than nice rooms. Poor Anita was given the sacrificial victim's room in the basement, while Nina had the room at the top of the stairs. Anita found out in the middle of the night why she was given such a room.

The next morning the two girls are discussing their weird situation. Gee, they finally figured something is not quite right here?  They are also curious as to where Anita is that morning as they were endlessly polishing plates. The girls later explore Anita's room, discovering that Anita left all her clothes there! So, something was obviously amiss here (well, duh!). The girls investigate a strange door, barely missing Dr. Frank walking around down in the basement.

Dr Frank is getting ready for the next stage of his experiment, with a living body (Anita's). The girls then try to escape, but Mrs. March is on to them as the slowest chase scene (without a white Ford Bronco) takes place. During all the excitement (oh, please, wake me up), the living-dead Barbie Doll of Dr. Frank's walks out of the door. I guess she wanted to audition for Manos: The Hands Of Fate 2: Electric Boogooloo, but she is tackled by dog boy therefore ruining her chances of  stardom.

Meanwhile we discover that Dr Frank has put his cat's brain in Anita's head, meaning that she will be cattier than usual and take long naps in the middle of the day. Mrs March is horrified by the transformation.  Gee, guess she is more of a dog person, eh? That would be kind of fitting considering Mrs. March is a real female dog (if you know what I mean).

The girls decide on trying to get the keys to the car in order to escape Mrs. March's prison. So Bea decides to seduce Victor in order to get the keys (talk about lying back and thinking of England or wherever she is from). Victor is paged by his keeper and Bea decides to stroll in the garden all by herself. Just then, Bea discovers Anita, who is on top of the gazebo hissing and growling. Again, I think the warning lights would be going off in my head and I would be running away from a friend acting that bizarrely. However Bea must not have thought it was that unusual and tried to give her a hand. Unfortunately Anita took an eye (Ewww!).

Nina then discovers Anita on the roof, hissing and yowling again. Unfortunately, Anita is freaked out by dog boy and falls off the roof, and unfortunately not landing on her feet or using another of her eight remaining lives. Bea is brought to the doctor, who is keeping her eye in atomic safe. But Mrs. March decides on using Nina as her new body. Nina then is ordered to try on some new outfits that Mrs. March has recently purchased, again without the warning light in her head going off.

Victor then shows up in the room, and has a fight with Mrs. March. At which point Victor nearly lets out the big secret about what Mrs. March is really planning for Nina. Nina then approaches Victor about what he meant, and a drunken Victor gives her good news and bad news. The good news is that she is going to be the heiress of the vast March fortune, the bad news is that it won't be her enjoying it but Mrs. March will in her body. Even though she is listening to such a fantastic tale, Nina believes him and prepares to get Bea and leave that place.

Unfortunately, Mrs. March was in the curtains listening to the whole thing, and she needles Victor for the last time! Nina comes back from Bea's side to meet up with Victor, only to find him dead on his…back. Just then, Dr Frank comes in with the oh so handy handkerchief of knockout drops and preps her for surgery. Gee, I hope her HMO covers a brain transplant operation.

Mrs. March is on the slab, talking about how nobody loved her for herself but only for her money all of her life. Oh, my, is the world's smallest violin playing here? The doctor gets ready for the operation, but he decides to do something a little bit differently.

Nina wakes up, with the pleasant sensation that she is still her old sweet self and not some bitter old woman. It appears that Mrs. March's brain is in the body of a cat now!  Mrs. March (or should I say Fluffy at this point) is not happy being in a cat's body. I mean what is the problem? She gets to sleep eight hrs a day, she gets to be waited on hand and foot and gets to have more attitude than before. Well, she must not have liked the cat food Dr Frank gave her for she locks him in his radioactive chamber.

Just then Bea wakes up out of her slumber, takes off her bandage revealing her icky wound and frees Nina from the operating table.  However, Bea is zapped while trying to get her eye out of storage much to Nina's horror.

Before you could say "Holy House of Usher!" the March house is falling apart but Nina manages to escape. However she is chased by a black cat who wants tuna, who wants chicken, who wants revenge! Wow, talk about a meow mix, eh?

I sat for a long time on the sofa feeling like a portion of my life had been taken away from me. After all, that was anything but a purrfect—ah--perfect movie. I then noticed a note attached to the back of the video, and realized who my mother had conspired with. It was at that moment I decided to give Renfield a special gift.

Let's see, which chick flick should I send him? Bridges Of Madison County? Revenge is a gift best served with a slice of cheese.

(Crystal Guillory is vice-president of the New Orleans Worst Film Festival. Click here to read more about it.  You can contact Crystal personally here.)

Listen, Crystal, I told you we write about horror films here, not horrible films.  Besides, your mother made me an offer I couldn't refuse.  By the way, ask her to put a little more Bacardi in the rum cookies next time.

Article copyright © Crystal Guillory

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