The early Seventies saw not the demise of B-movie horror, but instead the "R-rating" of it...bare bodies were suddenly as important for the box office as bloody beasts. The inevitable result was...
By CRYSTAL GUILLORY Hey there HORROR-WOOD readers! 'Tis I, the
"honey" of bad movies, here to buzz about another flick. This particular piece
of work is called Invasion Of The No, it is not about a group of bar waitresses that
run amuck (however I would suspect that Renfield and company might enjoy such a
flick--just kidding). It is an adult-oriented science-fiction horror flick. I say
adult-oriented for it shows a fair amount of nudity in this movie, nothing as graphic Since this movie is of an adult nature, I am going to have to ask that those of sensitive nature and under 18 move on to the next article in HORROR-WOOD. (That means you too, John-John! Don't make me go to your Uncle Renfield!)
At this point, I usually discuss some of the big names associated with this movie. The biggest name in the credits does not belong to an actor, but to the writer Nicholas Meyer. Meyer is known for the time-travel thriller/romance Time After Time and for penning some of the Star Trek movies. The next "name" in the credits is that of the actress Anitra Ford. If her name does not sound familiar to you, that is because you did not watch The Price Is Right in the Seventies, for she was one of Bob Barker's "beauties" (the ones who show off the prizes, kinda like what Vanna White does on Wheel of Fortune). I guess the price was right for her to do this movie, eh? Then there is the next "name" actor, William Smith. A first-time viewer might excitedly think at first that this flick stars the "Fresh Prince" of action himself. Sorry to burst your bubble there, first timers, but that's the wrong William Smith. For one thing this movie was made in 1973 and theWilliam Smith in this movie is not even fly for a white guy!
However, I am rambling on when I should get to the smut..ah...the plot of the movie. Okay, cue the cheesy "bow-chicka-wow-wow" music and lower the lights. I will fix us some drinks after I change into something more comfortable. The film opens on a nondescript motel in a remote area of town. A woman is busy going from room to room delivering fresh towels, then she enters this room. There is a scream and the police are called, for she has discovered a body! The police (between donut breaks) search the room and find "John Doe's" wallet. It is discovered that he is a local scientist who works at the local research plant that the government has contracts with. The coroner (in between the opening credits) discovers that it was extreme boinking that did him in. Hmmm, shouldn't the deceased have had a smile on his face then?
Which explains why Washington, DC sends in its top man for the job to investigate. They send the great Neil Agar (hmmm, I wonder if Meyer named him such as a homage to the great B-actor and Shirley Temple's ex-husband John Agar?) to this small town to get at the "meat" of the matter. Agar introduces himself to the local sheriff and starts investigating right away. Agar arrives at the research facility and almost immediately has the obligatory "cute-meet" with Julie Zorn. Zorn had worked with the victim and was rumored to have had a relationship with him. When Agar presses her for facts, Julie playfully admits to the crime. In another era, Julie would have been possibly arrested on the spot. However, Agar responds by asking her out to lunch. While at lunch, Julie prattles on about the private lives of her professional colleagues. Gee, I am sooo not going to tell her any secrets! This scene mainly serves to introduce the other victims...ahh...characters of this movie. Later on, Agar chats with some of these horny male scientists while noticing a captivating woman with a large pair of...sunglasses.
The scientists assure that the Foster Grant lady, Dr. Susan Harris, is an iceberg who can't be melted. In the meanwhile, more men are dying while doing the horizontal mambo. Usually, it is the men who are dying to do it. Evidently this is a cause of concern, so a town meeting is arranged after the usual donut break. The town sheriff talks to the populace about the unusual deaths that are happening and the circumstances surrounding them. This causes some of the adults to giggle like high schoolers on the subject (hee-hee, he said sex!). The sheriff then introduces Dr. Murger, who is going to talk about a possible solution. Dr. Murger (who had to repeat the first line of his speech due to the director gently cueing him to speak louder--yes, that is obvious in the film) begins to suggest that the Sheriff's Office enforce a curfew and the good doctor also recommends abstinence until the crisis is over.
While this may make the makers of Vaseline and Nivea happy (figure that out for yourselves, readers) this causes a bit of controversy among the attendees. One attendee is particularly upset about the notion of not "screwing" his wife or anyone else he chooses. (Hmmm, considering he used such a choice of words, perhaps the wife might be grateful for the enforced abstinence.) The sheriff calms down the angry crowd and lets Dr. Murger finish his speech. Dr. Murger then admits to having a theory about what and who is causing the deaths, but he has to prove it first.
Hasn't this fellow watched enough movies where if you make a statement like that you might as well paint a bullseye on your chest? Doesn't anyone notice there are some women in the crowd wearing big funky sunglasses at night? Later, Agent Agar and Julie have a talk in his car. Julie continues to prattle on about some subject, then she and Neil kiss. Gee, guess he would do anything to shut her up. However the romantic mood is killed by another car running down Dr. Murger. Agent Agar tries to go after the car, but to no avail. It is then that Agent Agar decides to call his office to see if a quarantine can be placed around the small town, for safety's sake.
Like the gallant gent he is, he offers to Julie the option of walking across a dark alley in a bad part of town. Julie, being the submissive little gal she is, does so. For her trouble she is attacked by a gang. This scene has no damn place in this movie and it's inclusion is disturbing. There is no reason for this scene other than to have Agar show up literally at the last second to break a can of whup ass on these fellows. If I were Julie, I would have punched out Agar for putting me in that situation. However Julie sobs on her "hero's" shirt. Meanwhile, as the National Guard come to the town to enforce the quarantine, life manages to go on regardless. At this point Dr. Klein, a proud member of the horny scientist guild (who previously expressed an interest in coming and going, draw your own conclusions), makes a move on the mysterious and sunglass-wearing Dr. Susan Harris. Dr. Harris agrees to the date, so we somehow know that something will happen. Dr. Klein is preparing for his date as he is being questioned by Agar. Gee, shouldn't Agar have found out who Klein is going out with? Well, Agar was in a hurry for he had important plans for Julie (the two are going to watch--educational movies on bees, no kidding. That means there's a "bee" movie in this B-movie.) Anyway, in Dr. Klein's case, that date with Dr. Harris (the iceberg) turns out to be a date to die for.
After she does the deed with Dr. Klein (and to Dr. Klein), the scene switches to the Klein home. There, Mrs. Klein in her frumpy outfit with no makeup on is waiting for her husband. Then she receives a call that lures her out of her home. She is then transported to the honeycomb lair of the bee girls. Mrs. Klein is upset at first, but is calmed down with a bee sting. The nude Mrs. Klein sits through a light show, then the bee girls pour this goop all over her. Why, how sporting of these gals--giving her a makeover! Mrs. Klein is then put in this chamber where she is covered with bees (never heard of that spa treatment). When she is released from her cocoon, she has a new makeup job and a bigger pair of...eyes. The gals of the hive are just soooo pleased with the results of the new bee's makeover that they just can't stay into their lab coats, giving more eye candy for the male viewer.
Poor Dr. Klein is found, so the sheriff has to tell Mrs. Klein the bad news that morning. So, after his donut break, he drops by the Klein's. Mrs. Klein is sooo pleased with her new bee status that she decides to make moves on the sheriff. Hmmm, and I thought Gertrude's rebound time was quick (brush up on your Shakespeare if you don't get the reference). The sheriff must have been very alert that morning, for he noticed that there was something odd about Ms Klein. After all, who wears large sunglasses with funky caftans in suburbia? Agar and Julie are working on the case, (not in that way--sheesh) gathering evidence on what could be at the root. The theory is proposed that some sort of human-insect genetic experiment is going on. In order for that to happen there needs to be a high amount of gamma rays. (Just like with the Hulk. Why that would explain why these gals are always getting out of their clothes, even if they don't turn green). As luck would have it, one of the surviving scientists (those scientists are dropping faster than horny teenagers at Crystal Lake) has a gamma ray detector. Agar and Julie decide to use it at Klein's funeral, pointing it to the group of busty gals in low cut black dresses and large sunglasses surrounding the widow Klein.
Well, whaddya know.. the gamma ray reader went wild! Unfortunately for Julie, Susan Harris noticed Julie noticing them. Then Susan decides to include Julie in their group, and she is about to succeed when Agent Agar comes barging through the door. He then shoots at the machine, which causes the place to explode. Rather than help these women escape, he allows them to die horribly as the unearthly choir sings in the background. It is at this point that one gets the feeling that the motto "Let's bee friends" (say it real fast) fits this group.
Agar and Julie then wrap up this case with the sheriff, who was late for his donut break. You see, the women were injected with the bee venom. This made them want to mate, however due to the radiation, they were sterile and could not reproduce. Therefore more queen bees had to be created. The sheriff is pleased with this explanation, and order is restored to the community. Then we focus on our crime solving lovebirds later on that scene. Julie prattles on and on about all that has happened. Agar tunes her out while noticing her bed, then he realizes that he has not had any action in the past few days. So in spite of Julie still recovering from a brutal attack, he gallantly throws her on the bed. She giggles and kisses him, and the camera leaves our two lovebirds while focusing on bees pollinating flowers while "Thus sprach Zarathustra" plays in the background. Was this done as a homage to the classic film 2001 or was the music used because it's public domain? So there you have it, my take on this soft-porn bee film and I hope it was as good for you as it was for me. (Crystal Guillory is vice-president of the New Orleans Worst Film Festival. Click here to read more about it. You can contact Crystal personally here.) Thanks as always, Crystal. Just one thing, though...you talk about nudity and soft-porn and smut as if they were bad things or something... Article copyright © Crystal Guillory |
