By CRYSTAL GUILLORY

You'd think by now I would be very wary of this time of the year, but no! I don't know why I always wind up watching the weirdest films at this time of year and write about them for you to read about. (Okay, I really don't want to suffer alone.)

One would think by now I would avoid film festivals, conventions and personal viewings... but no!

No sense putting this off any further, I might as well tell my story. This all started one morning at work when I was assisting a gentleman with his research. His research was on old movies, so the staff thought I was the right gal for the job, or so they thought. He was trying to find information on this old movie he had found recently, called The Blog, but we had no such luck. Right then and there I should have realized what this was going to lead me into, but before I could stop myself I asked him if I could see this movie.

Some time I had passed and I had forgotten about that stranger and his unique find that is until I arrived at work one morning. One of my co-workers told me that a patron dropped off a DVD for me, and I remembered what it was for. I picked up the box and began to feel
like a character in a horror manga (Japanese graphic novels) who gets a mysterious package that will bring great doom.

A small shiver just crept down my spine as I read the note "I hope you enjoy this " and I began to envision a weird movie followed by a phone call telling me I will have indigestion in seven days. I immediately began to regret helping out that fellow that day.

The rest of my day was uneventful as possible, especially with the crowd of kids from the local school who all waited till the last night to do their assignment. I had a severe headache from trying to find information and pictures of all these obscure French scientists from the 14th century for these kids. Yeah, we all know how that bit of knowledge will prepare them for life in the real world! I was so exhausted after dealing with a crowd of impatient children and their parents that I wished I had a DVD to unwind with that night. Oddly enough, that DVD popped out of my locker as I was getting my purse at that moment!

With all the action of the evening I had forgotten that was in my locker so I took it home with the intention of watching it that night.

If I only knew then what I knew now!

I popped in the DVD and this rather grainy image of credits appeared on the screen. I have to admit I was unable to make out the names of the cast but I was able to see that the director's name was something like "J. Barlow" and the scriptwriter's name was N. Caesar. Amazingly enough, these were names I had never heard of before and I took that to be a bad sign indeed.

The film opens up to a scene by a lake where a pair of lovers are…ah…viewing the submarine races. The girl is obviously nervous, not wanting to be caught by the authorities but her companion is too eager to be concerned. Oh sheesh, take a cold shower, fella!

At that moment, they heard something outside of the car, something that slithered (gee, nice sound effect). The girl had a look of horror on her face and broke into an ear-shattering scream as she saw the intruder and the screen went black.

The next day the parents of the missing girl (we find out her name is Laurel Lynne) are reporting her disappearance to the local police officer. Officer Russell patiently took down the information from the parents but you could tell he wasn't that interested. Oh wait, is he reading his lines from that folder? Gee, that proves that this is a stellar production!

Meanwhile, some of the citizens are gathering in the local eatery called "Rosie's" to discuss all the weird disappearances of late. Hmmm, apparently the young lovers weren't the first victims here. The camera scans over the different people in the booths chattering about the scary happenings as if they were gossiping about neighbors.

Just then we see this young fellow run past a waitress, nearly causing her to spill her tray of coffee. As you can imagine the mischievous fellow gets reprimanded by his aunt, who takes away his copy of the Tales Of The Jungle Goddess comic book. Just then Gladys, the pretty waitress, steps in (I think that's what her name tag read, anyway) and she tells the aunt not to be so harsh with fellow. It appears that she feels sorry for the youngster, since he has to spend the summer with his eccentric aunt since his father is in the Army.

The boy is excused and Gladys goes on with her shift, being slightly concerned about having to walk home that night.

The scene changes to "night" (although it looks pretty light for night) and the lovely Gladys is walking home by herself. Gee, you'd think one of her co-workers would offer to walk her home or something, eh? As she is walking along the route by herself it seems like every possibly scary noise is louder then it usually is. Then she hears a noise behind her and she nearly jumps out of her skin, only to be briefly relieved that it is a cat. I say briefly because any horror fan worth their salt knows that the real terror is about to come soon and it did.

Yep, then we see this oozing, yet foggy mass silently creep behind her and moving in on its kill. Well, something must have told this gal to look behind her (rather someone cause you heard someone actually say "Look behind you") and she sees this thing.

Wow, she was so scared she let out a scream before she opened her mouth! (Oh, great dubbing there guys!) I'm expecting Gladys to scream and faint but she surprises me by showing some sense and running away.

She is making progress but she follows the age old rule about the heroine stumbling while getting away. Oh, not good, for the monster is slowly creeping up on her. She does manage to get up and run away and is gaining speed when she is about to be hit by a car!
The car barely misses her and she implores the driver to take her away right then. The fellow notices the creeping mass and rushes the hysterical miss to the hospital right then.

We then see the eerie mass go back to where it came from, the abandoned warehouse of the bankrupt "sticks apart" company. Just then our attention is given to this lone figure guiding this creature back into its lair. Hmmm...I wonder if this will be a plot point later?

Later on, a policeman is on the scene at the Singman General Hospital, where he's about to question the young lady. Nurse Jeanetta leads him to Gladys, all the while explaining that she is in a state of shock and shouldn’t be too excited. Gee, great time to question someone about a traumatic experience, huh?

Through her tears, she tells about her terrifying five minute ordeal of running, stumbling and running away from that odd creature. The policeman (we find out his name is Phil now) has known Gladys for a long time and knows she is not the sort to tell such an odd story. He promises her that he will investigate this, but you can tell he is picturing her in a straight jacket as he leaves.

Phil leaves the hospital and goes back to the station where someone tells him that he has a visitor. A look of disbelief mixed with desire crosses his face—he discovers his visitor is none other then the exotic Madame Sanborn, owner of  the "Only the Hex" fortune-telling parlor. The voluptuous enchantress seductively walked over to Phil and began to tell him
about the odd vision she has had.  For some reason, the telling of this vision required her  to arch her back a couple of times and to breathe deeply, emphasizing her "talents". (Hmmm, judging by this scene, it must have been terribly cold in that studio.)

Phil paid attention to her...ah…vision but he politely dismisses it as "superstitious nonsense" and escorts her out of the station.

Hours later night is falling on the town and most of the citizens are home out of fear for the menace. However, there is a small amount of drunk…ah…brave souls at the local watering hole who are trying to drink their fears away and succeeding quite well. Of course the topic at hand was the rash of disappearances and endless speculation about what was causing them. Sometime later it was closing time and the attendees were stumbling…ah…walking home. One attendee in particular is cautiously walking by himself that night, but that proved to be his undoing.

Yes fans, in the shadows we see the creepy mass and soon it attacks its latest victim. Ick!

The next morning Phil and other officers are investigating the sight of the latest disappearance, trying to find clues. Just then, one of the men, Ramirez, discovers some residue on the ground. Actually he slid on that residue, because he was the comic relief of this movie.  Phil makes plans to bring this over to the local lab to have this investigated.

The scene then changes to a lab (rather the sheriff’s office with a bunch of test tubes in it) on the outskirts of town. The scientists, Riddell and Pinkerton, are busily trying to investigate the sample that Phil brought them that afternoon and eventually they come to a conclusion.

After all that investigation they discover that this is from a substance unlike any found on Earth and it could be virtually indestructible. That is bad news, indeed. The scientists call in the other members of the local consortium to see if any progress could be made with this.

Hours later, nightfall hits the terrified town, and most of the citizens are inside of their homes. All except for young Adam who decided to sneak out of the house to watch the meteor shower.  Its an uneventful show until he sees something he shouldn't see, the blob-like fog sliding into the abandoned "Sticks Apart" building, so he decides to sneak on in. It is there he sees an amazing sight of an alien space ship and the doors are opening up!

Just then some odd man and woman (beatnik types--great costuming budget) are talking about the progress they have made for their leader "El-Jai" from their planet. They talk about how they brought the "blog" to capture the earthlings and to make them their mindless slaves. Oh, and they also drop the little bombshell that the plan calls for earthling electricity and without it the plan is doomed.

Unfortunately, at that moment our little hero makes his prescience known by accidentally knocking over a lamp. The blog is hot on his tail as he runs out of there, barely escaping a horrific fate. The young lad runs all the way to the sheriff's department where he tells his incredible story to the lawmen. A few days ago the story would have been dissed as complete nonsense, but in light of what the scientists have said about the residue, it made sense.

That night, the lawmen were ready to set out a trap for the creature. The scene changes to the local watering hole. That night Guy "Black Cat" Smith is stumbling…ah…walking back to his house when the blog appears. It appears that the friendly drunk is indeed doomed but just then the screen goes blank.

Oh, at this part I was happily thinking the movie had ended but that was not the case it was just that it was a lousy print! We then see the blog dying down, losing its power as the lawmen and some townspeople watch. Meanwhile, in the abandoned building, the aliens know that something is wrong and start to fix things when a fire breaks out and destroys the ship with a huge explosion. (Sheesh, did the directors run out of money and come up with this cheesy ending?)

Sometime later the townspeople are having a celebration at "Big Rob's" that night. The people have a toast in honor of the heroes while many of the women flirt with lawmen Phil. Yes it appears that all is well in town until we see something odd appear on the screen at that moment.

Oh no, we see the residue sample in the lab growing into a bigger form of the blog at that moment. Yikes! At that moment we see blog forming into words on the screen…and the words read:

"April Fool!"