By CRYSTAL GULLIORY

Hi there, HORROR-WOOD readers! Well, its summer time and the living is easy or so I thought until I received my latest assignment from Renfield.

Invasion Of The Blood Farmers?

Why do I have a feeling I should be watching this at a drive-in? In fact, this sounds like something that belonged in the all-night cheesy horror movie marathon that such establishments used to have years ago. (Ah, those were the days!) Yep, a movie like this would probably fit between Shriek Of The Mutilated and I Eat Your Skin on such nights.

Gee, funny that I mention Shriek Of The Mutilated for the great minds that gave us that cinematic gem are also responsible for this feature.  Ed Adlum, who wrote the classic script for Shriek Of The Mutilated also wrote, produced and directed this movie. Roberta Findlay (Shriek Of The Mutilated) handled the cinematography while Michael Findlay (also Shriek Of The Mutilated ) did the editing. With credentials like that you know we'll have a good time and may learn something before its done.

As the movie opens, we hear some narrator droning on about the Druids and how they were "Sangfroid Blood Eaters" from another planet. I don't recall seeing this on the History Channel. "Blood eaters?" Isn't blood a liquid? Anyway, we are watching this scene filmed in red and I am almost expecting to see some little people dance around a miniature model of Stonehenge at this point.

After sitting through very dramatic credits, we see this poor fellow in a bloodstained shirt stumbling on the highway. Okay, already this has a very weird and confusing start.

The scene changes to the classy bar "Huddle II" (so what happened to "Huddle I"?), a place where everyone knows your name even if they can't remember their own. Anyway, this fellow Clint is drowning his sorrows because his wife is missing. He then leaves and bids everyone a "good night" even though it is clearly bright and sunny outside. Does this story take place somewhere where the days are months long? Could this story take place in an alternate earth-like planet that has two suns? Or could it be that Clint is too drunk to notice the time? Perhaps I shouldn't think about this too much.

Well, soon the patrons are having an intelligent discussion concerning the odd disappearances of the past few weeks. You'd think the deputy would act right on the bizarre cases, but he rather sit at the bar and wait for his boss to come back from Capitol City. Gee, the townspeople must feel so safe to have a proficient lawman like that! Soon the men mention that "Jim Carrey" hasn't been around lately. No wonder, since the man has been making movies!  Soon the blood-covered fellow from the start of the movie (remember him?) stumbles into the bar. The poor fellow is so surprised at the loving welcome that he collapses on the floor and dies.

The scene changes to the lovely countryside where a petty blonde girl tries to get her boyfriend to pay attention to her. Yep, these are the romantic leads, Don and Jenny. Jenny is chiding Don for spending so much time with her father but Don has learned so much from him.(!) After all, its not every girl that has a mad scientist…er…pathologist for a father!

We briefly leave this flirty interlude to look upon Clint, who is grieving for his missing wife. Just then the scene changes to this shed where we see what has become of the missing wife, and it is not a pretty sight at all! (Renfield, what kind of movie have you assigned to me?) We leave that gruesome scene to another as we watch Don and Jenny frolic in the fields. We know things are heating up when Don tells his ladylove about having to deal with the body of Jim Carrey. Oh yes, nothing gets me hotter then the details of a crime scene!

Anyway, Don says it was horrible and it looked like Carrey blew up. (Gee, think Carrey had pop rocks and coke? A friend of a friend of a distant cousin of a pathology student saw this happen.) The two then have an intense talk about the disappearances of the past few weeks while they slowly and sensuously...feed the pigeons. Alas, the act is interrupted by Jenny's father bellowing at Don to come to the lab. When he gets there, he discovers that the sample of blood he had gotten from Carrey is bubbling over. (Gee, who's the wise guy who added a few Fizzies to the sample?) We then hear a bunch of techno babble as Don concludes that it was the reproduction of blood cells that made Carrey explode.

Meanwhile, back at the bar one of the barflies, Tex is trying to clean up the blood that Carrey spilt. He comments that the spot keeps growing and how he saw a UFO the other night. Everyone laughs at him except two new patrons who are dressed in overalls. (Why do I have a feeling these guys are behind all of this?) Thanks to the dialogue amongst the patrons, we find out that Doc Anderson (aka Jenny's Dad and Don's teacher) is trying to find the secret behind Jim's death. Oh, and to be of further help to the strangers in farmer's garb, they just happen to mention where the good doctor lives. Gee, you'd think with odd looking characters like that they wouldn't talk so freely?

Well, just after that expository bit of dialogue one of the strangers asks for directions to the street where the good doctor happens to live on. Could that be a coincidence? Gee, shouldn't the odd manner of the stranger's speech be a tip off to the deputy and the bartender? Guess not.

So, one of the two "farmers" go on to Anderson's house to check it out. Meanwhile in the abode, Doc Anderson and Don are having an intense and techno babble filled conversation about the fizzy blood in the beaker. Oddly enough, the two have been working on something along these lines. The discussion about the unnatural murder is interrupted by the "farmer" wrapping on the windowpane. Well, Jenny's dog, Buster, leaves her  bed to see what was the matter. Buster and the "farmer" are engaged in a battle but Buster loses as this movie loses the PETA sign of approval.

Later on Jenny is bummed that Buster has been away for this long and is worried. She hears the doorbell and is expecting to see Buster but is noticeably disappointed when its Don at the door. (This is not a good sign about this relationship.) Don later tells Doc Anderson that he noticed blood at the brook but Doc says it’s from woodchucks. Jenny then cheers up a little and engages in playful banter with Don, which is interrupted by the messy reappearance of Buster.

So Don goes on a mad hunt for the perp, looking every bit of a bad ass in his preppy button-down shirt. However he discovers a key! Later on, Don and Doc are talking about how Buster was completely drained of blood, but there was enough to put on a slide. The two begin to think that something is afoot in their town. The scene changes to a motel room where a pair of newlyweds get ready for a little wedding night fun (Oh yes, brides dream about going to some run-down motel for the wedding night.) Anyway, she changes (in a separate room, sorry fellows) into her wedding night finery and immediately he is moved to--take a shower...alone!

However, the "farmers" who pull a "Mrs. Bates" maneuver on the groom and kidnap the bride interrupt the wedding night bliss. In the meanwhile, Jenny is grieving over Buster while Don is doing his best to console her. Doc Anderson telling Don to get to the lab interrupts the consolation, and when he does he is in for a shock! You see, for some reason the "blood" is really fizzing over big time!

Meanwhile in another movie, the "farmers" are delivering the newlyweds to this barn. It is there we meet the brains of the operation, "Creton," who is the keeper of the last Queen of the Sangfroids, Onhorrid, who is in a glass coffin. (I have to give credit to this actress for keeping still through Creton's laughable dialogue.) We learn that the feast of "Mennonite" is coming soon and that they will find a blood host for the queen. Meanwhile a smartly dressed Sangfroid named Sontag appears and lets Creton know that Egon has arrived.

Just then the "farmer" arrives with a blood sample taken from the girl, and she was not the host they sought. We then see them "processing" the fellow to see if he is "blood host" material and it is a disturbing scene indeed.

Meanwhile, Doc Anderson and Don are having a heart-to-heart talk which involves techno babble and the blood. Things are stable down there but they want to find a reagent that can fix things (Yeah, it doesn't make any sense to me, either). Just then Doc notices the key Don is carrying, and Doc thinks it is made of a weird alloy. Doc then calls a colleague who can help him identify the odd metal only to find out that he is on a research project. However, there is a number Kinski can be reached at so Doc calls it and Sontag answers the phone! (Don’t worry readers, you're not the only ones confused!)

Sontag/Kinski is very interested in seeing what Doc has and makes plans to get there later on that day. After the phone call, Sontag tells Cretin…ah…Creton that Egon has lost the key of  Mennonon while showing down on a (hot) dog. Well, this makes Creton upset and he chews out Egon for his carelessness. Sontag tries to calm Creton down by telling him he is going to get that key tonight, but Creton is in too much of a snit to listen.  He then orders the "farmers" to recruit some donors for that blood drive. Gee, judging by Creton's actions I somehow doubt that Onhorrid is the last queen of the Sangfroids.

So then the scene changes to Clint (remember him from earlier in the movie?) getting kidnapped by the "farmers" as well s fellow barfly "Tex". Damn, they must be desperate for donors! Meanwhile, the young lovers, Jenny and Don (in case you have forgotten) arrive at her house after a hot date. Well, maybe it wasn't so hot, because Jenny is obsessed with bringing back the cookbook to the Whitakers who she hasn't seen in a while. Don doesn't want her to do anything like that until the Chief returns from Capitol City. (Damn, how far away can that place be?) As if on cue, they hear a new report about the kidnapped newlyweds. Hmm the motel must have had a British maid for she called the room "a bloody mess."

Jenny walks into her house and sees her father entertaining Kinski/Sontag so she goes on up to her room. It is then Jenny has the wild impulsive idea to sneak out of the house and... return the cookbook! Is that gal Jenny a hellion or what? Meanwhile, we are treated to another shot of the "farmers" giving the blood treatment to one of the victims. Then we begin to realize that this is the Whitaker place and Jenny is on her way to deliver the cookbook. However, she is stopped in her tracks by the horrible scream! Just then Sontag/Kinski meets up with her and persuades her to go on home.

Creton is very happy with the recent blood drive and that Sontag has gotten the key. The scene changes to the bar where we see the deputy busy at work. Oh yes, I imagine the townspeople feel so safe with him in charge! Well, just then the deputy gets a phone call from the Chief who is upset at what is going on in town. Why do I have a feeling that the deputy should be working on his resume right now?

We then witness a scene in the Whitaker/Sangfroid headquarters where the gang is having a ceremony using the blood acquired. Considering where they got most of the blood from I suspect they will have a wicked hangover tomorrow. Meanwhile, in another movie, Chief Spanno returns and pays a visit to his favorite pathologist, Doc Anderson. He sees Jenny and innocently asks about her dog which reduces her to tears.

Chief Spanno decides to do some investigating so he goes over to the Whitaker place where he meets up with Kinski/Sontag. Kinski/Sontag uses a bit to techno babble to confuse Spanno and he is successful. Afterwards, Spanno calls Doc Anderson about his findings, mainly the part about how Kinski is staying at the Whitaker's place while they are out of town .

In the meanwhile, there is a major discovery in the lab, a reagent is found using iodine and ammonia. Somehow this reminds Doc Anderson that Don has a date with Jenny. (Not a good sign when the father has to remind the boy friend about the date.) So while the kids are gone, Kinski visits Doc Anderson and they chat about research (especially Don's work on rare  blood diseases) while drinking Bloody Marys (I guess a Bloody Clint or a Tex wasn't available). Doc Anderson then offers to show him his...lab (what did you think I was going to say here?). Just then a phone call interrupts the moment but Doc lets Kinski check out the lab ahead of him.

While in the lab, Kinski/Sontag gets to check things out and has the idea to monitor the phone conversation. Oh how rude! Anyway, its that fellow from the college telling Doc Anderson that Kinski is in Pennsylvania! Needless to say Doc is confused and begins to ask his guest about Penn State but Sontag/Kinski bluffs his way out of this by saying he was there for one day. Whew! What a close call.

In the next scene, Doc Anderson is sending Don on a mission to Capitol City so he could bring the reagent to a lab. Meanwhile Doc and Jenny are planning on seeing a movie but that fun filled plan is thwarted when they are kidnapped by the Druids in overalls. Gee, don't you hate when that happens? So they bring them over to Chez Sangfroid where Creton explains that this is May 1^st which is the feast of Mennonite, which is an important day for them. Sontag then begins to explain that their process increases blood cell growth and the "Key of Mennonon" is a "key" part of that process. He also added that whoever's blood did not react to the key got to be the lucky blood host for the Queen. Gee I wonder who that will be? I am so surprised that Jenny is the blood host for sleeping Onhorrid!

This makes Cretin all happy for the Queen will be spared from the powers of darkness and become his bride that night. Why do I have a feeling that their union will have same erotic chemistry that Liza Minelli and David Guest had?

Don, in the meantime, is freaked out that he can't get hold of Jenny and Doc Anderson, so he gets hold of Chief Spanno and they go on a rescue mission. Soon, they are at the scene of the crime and Chief Spanno begins to investigate an old shed. Unfortunately, the Chief is not hearing the gimp walking behind him so he is promptly whacked. Meanwhile, Creton is having the ceremony to awaken Queen Onhorrid out of her 300-year sleep. (Gee, think she will press the snooze alarm?) Creton cuts Jenny and applies a little blood to Her Majesty's lips and that wakes her up.

Just then, the pathologist-to-be/action hero arrives on the scene to kick some ass and how convenient he has some reagent to do the job! Gee, I thought the Queen could kill her enemies with a slight touch but perhaps being out of commission this long has zapped her strength. Well, this does not make the rest of the Sangfroids happy at all. In fact, they are getting "burnt up" over this.

We then cut over to a scene of Don and Jenny on the sofa as she is trying to recover from such a horrific ordeal. Don then tells her that in a week she will be good as new and in two weeks she will be his wife. Just then Don is called to the lab, where the Doc is waiting with a cute puppy for Jenny…therefore giving this flick a happy ending.

Or is it?

How did Doc get past Jenny with that dog? You don't suppose he created that dog in the lab? And what about the residents of this town who have the drunken deputy as their main lawman now?