By CRYSTAL GUILLORY

Its the good ol' summertime, a time for kicking back and taking it easy. Yes, the time of year when a group of people pile into their cars and hit the road—gas prices be damned! It’s a lazy, hazy, crazy time for everyone, except for this ghoul who was assigned to watch this rip-off...ah…homage to The Most Dangerous Game otherwise known as Bloodlust!

Just in case some of you aren't familiar with famous short story "The Most Dangerous Game," I will talk about it for moment. The story concerns a young hunter by the name of Sanger Rainsford who is stranded on an island owned by General Zarnoff. As we read in the story, we discover that the General is a hunter himself, but not in the conventional sense. No, the General is only interested in hunting…humans. (Well, let's face it, you don't need a hunting license for humans.) Thus, the hunter Rainsford winds up becoming the hunted in this tale written by Richard Connell.

This story was first published in 1924 and has been included in many anthologies (as well as English Lit. textbooks), and inspired a few film adaptations. It was in 1932 that the film The Most Dangerous Game was released with Joel McCrea as Bob Rainsford, Fay Wray as
Eve Trowbridge (I don't remember her in the story), and Leslie Banks as Zarnoff. (A remake was later released by the same studio, RKO, in 1945 as A Game Of Death, but it doesn’t hold a candle to the original, ever though Robert Wise directed it.)

Interestingly enough, the jungle sets for this movie were also used for the jungle scenes of an obscure movie called King. The plot line was also used in a few TV shows, including Gilligan's Island—not that I have watched the show that much.

By now some of you are wishing I would continue talking about this classic short story and forget about this shoddy movie adaptation—sorry, but not a chance!

While this movie is a homage to the film version of The Most Dangerous Game, I tend to think of it as a story of the worst vacation ever. Why, this makes the travails of the Griswolds on their way to Wally World seem to be lighthearted  by comparison.

As the film starts, our attention is directed to four young people taking a three-hour tour while on their vacation. Jean and her boyfriend, Pete, are fishing while Johnny (Robert Reed, pre-Brady Bunch)and his girlfriend Betty (of Attack Of The Puppet People and Earth Vs. The Spider) are playing a romantic game of "shoot the bottle." (Shouldn't it be "spin the bottle"?) The young lovers had plenty of bottles thanks to their alcoholic ships captain, Tony, who proved to be a good sport by emptying those bottles of booze one by one.

However, Betty got upset when they ran out of empty bottles and Tony passed out before he emptied the last one. So, what was a girl to do with her hunky boyfriend in the middle of the ocean but to practice her judo moves on him? The sensual moment is interrupted by Pete spotting a mysterious island, which excites Jean to no end. Soon she is squealing happily about wanting to go ashore and find pirate treasure. The considerate youngsters didn't want to wake up their drunken captain, so they took a lifeboat out to the island. Well, after they leave, Tony wakes up and is in a panic fit--for they were going to their doom and they hadn’t pay him yet!

The foursome arrive on the island and scampers around like a group of school kids. Pete uses his mad treasure hunting skills to determine where Captain Morgan's treasure was. (Tony probably drank it back on the boat!) To their surprise, the group discovered the fantastic treasure of a seaweed covered ladies corset (must have been from a pirate's booty call). Now, anyone in their right mind would leave at this point since there was really nothing here…but Johnny had a plan for a clambake…

Right, you're on a strange island and you have the hankerin’ to have a picnic--not smart. What's even worse is that the quartet leaves the lifeboat on the shore and goes off in search of banana leaves for the clambake! Why do I have a feeling that's a bad idea? Gee, could it be the odd fellow in pirate-y type clothes that just let the boat float off into the ocean?

Meanwhile, our heroes are exploring the jungle (yeah right) looking for the elusive banana leaves when they see a…cigarette carton! (Ugh, they were in the smoking section of the island!) Wow, could someone else be on this island?? This is more suspenseful than the entire season of Lost! The formerly adventuresome Jean is all of a sudden screeching about having the creeps and how she wants to leave. (Wasn't this little excursion her idea?)

Johnny tried to convince her that nothing was wrong but his falling into a trap didn't calm her fears. The other three worked valiantly to rescue their friend but the effort was interrupted by the owner of the island (and setter of the trap), Dr. Albert Balleau. After he had his goons rescue Johnny, they all retire back to his place for a chat. Balleau changes into his smoking jacket and begins to tell the youngsters about his need for "a world of his own" after the war, hence his buying the island. Jean is still squealing about having the creeps and everyone has to stifle the urge to remind her that coming here was her idea.

Just then, the little party is interrupted by the boorish drunk, Dean Gerrard, who stumbles into the place. Alas, the youngsters didn't want to intrude on the nutcase…ah…gracious host, so they tell Balleau that they are going to leave. Balleau won't hear of such a thing and insists that they stay that night due to the dangerous animals of the forest…ah…jungle.

Sometime later the (really) desperate housewife of the island, Sandra Balleau, arrives to escort the two ladies to their room. Dr. Balleau then has one of his henchmen escort the young men to their room. After he has his evening brandy we see Sandra back in that drawing room, where she has a meeting with her lover, Dean. Hmm either this guy recovers quickly, or the drunkenness was a ruse. The lovers begin to talk about a way to leave the island and how that group of newcomers may help.

Meanwhile Jean and Betty are in their lovely boudoir and begin to ponder their situation. Jean is once again whining about how scared she is and how she wants to leave. Just then the fellows arrive (amazing how they can roam freely in the mansion, eh?) and begin to assess their situation. Johnny, being the saucy lad he is, suggest the one thing that both couples could do in this dire situation as this--split up and check out the mansion.

Betty and Johnny are on their way exploring their part of the mansion when they are intercepted by Mrs. Balleau and Dean, who lead them back to the room. Mrs. Balleau has to tell them the truth about her husband and his, well, most dangerous game.

During this time, Pete and Jean are busy exploring the mansion and they spy a secret opening which leads them to a cave. It’s amazing how they are able to sneak around, since Jean seems to scream at every skeleton they see. Soon they walk into a mysterious room where they see the disturbing sight of a girl floating in a glass tank of formaldehyde and a henchman getting human body parts out of a vat!

Mrs. Balleau and Dean are just finishing their story when  a very shaken Pete and Jean (especially Jean) arrive. Right now a way to get off the island would be a good idea, but there's no way to do that now. Unless someone gets to the secret cove where there are boats from the other visitors are. It would have to be two people who are good swimmers and that just happens to be Dean and Mrs. Balleau. Dean asks the kids to distract the guards away from him and Sandra as they escape, and promise that they'll bring back help if they make it.

Soon Sandra and Dean are about to make their escape so they share a kiss for good luck. Unfortunately that kiss didn't work for Balleau was waiting in the wings, looking for two new trophies.

Two days later (Two days? Why couldn't Betty use her mad judo skills on that old buzzard?) Betty is worried about the two lovers and she wondered where they are. She and Johnny go exploring through the mansion where they spy a secret opening in the weapons room, so they go on in. To their horror, they discover that this is Balleau's personal trophy room, where his prize catches are proudly displayed. Poor Betty begins to scream as loudly as Jean (well, maybe not that loudly) when she sees that Mrs. Balleau and Dean didn't make it to the cove, much less the mainland that night. At that moment, Balleau shows them a spot on this wall where all four of them will end up.

Sometime later, he has gathered the hapless foursome into his weapons room, where he is explaining the rules of the game. I have to ask, why didn't Betty give him a good chop to the neck while his back was turned to her? That would have been rude, I suppose. Poor Pete is in denial about the whole thing, even though he saw that disturbing scene in that room! Alas, Johnny and Pete are going to be the prey in this hunt along with the drunken captain, Tony. Balleau is a good sport, for he will provide the prey with weapon that they will find in some dead tree. Gee, too bad its not the immunity idol, because they could use that.

The girls have won some sort of immunity…they get to be Balleau's...female company. Right about now I think I would take my chances in the jungle.

Anyway, our heroes and Tony go to the dead tree and find a gun with the bullet. However Tony tricks them out of the gun! In the meantime, Betty decides to escape, and after a moment of hesitation, brings a hysterical Jean along with her. She climbs out of the window and walks along the ledge, figuring that a death by falling would be preferable to being Balleau's love slave.

The girls climb along the outside until they see and open a window and they get back into a different room in the house. Just then, they go into the secret cave and she walks into the trophy preparation room to get  a knife. Unfortunately she wound up running into a henchman which she promptly flips into a convenient vat of acid!

Be vewy, vewy qwiet, weaders…Belleau is hunting humans-hehehehe…

Yes, our mad hunter was on the prowl in the jungle searching for his human prey when he was in Tony's target range. Tony was about to aim and fire when... nothing happened. Tony's pleas for mercy fell on deaf ears as he became bagged by Balleau. In the meantime, Pete nearly becomes a victim of two B-movie clichés in one--quicksand and leeches. Even though neither fellow had a cigarette, they were able to get the leeches off of Pete.

Sometime after they left, Balleau and his faithful part human/part bloodhound henchman arrive at the scene but they were too late. Unfortunately for the henchman, he discovered the pit of quick sand as he slowly sank to his apparent doom.

Meanwhile, the girls are trying to find their fellows when they encounter one of the poor devils who was driven crazy by the hunt. Fortunately, their screams led the boys to them, so the foursome was reunited.

Meanwhile, Balleau is walking softly and carrying a large crossbow on the hunt for those pesky humans. Good thing he didn't look up at that moment, because the four were treed like nervous cats just then. It is then that Johnny had a great idea: Go back to the mansion and break into his weapons cabinet for artillery!

The four sneak past the guard at the front gate and walk inside and go to the weapons room. They break into the cabinet and grab all the weapons but realize that they have no ammo! D’oh! Unfortunately, there's no time to find the ammo since they hear Balleau walk back in. (Silly kids, they should have realized that there was enough time. for he always has to change into that smoking jacket first.)

Anyway, Balleau walks into the house in a foul mood already because the henchman guarding the house was killed by someone. Considering he had (as far as he knew) two less henchmen, that made him rather testy (henchmen are hard to replace you know!) so he needed something to drink and to change into his comfy smoking jacket. Mad hunters need downtime, too! He becomes more annoyed when he notices that the weapons cabinet was broken into!

Just then he walks into the trophy room where we are treated to another look at his "trophies" and he finds the foursome cowering in a corner. Alas, it looks bad for our heroes now as Balleau is ready to bag his trophy but someone has interrupted him. Yes, someone covered with quicksand and leeches who's very pissed off at his former employer. He then forces his former boss against the wall and impales him on a hook, then bites both of Balleau's wrists, making him bleed to death.

Our heroes look on the horrible sight, wondering if they will get off the island. As the words "The End" appear on the screen, we hear someone screaming—could it have been someone watching this movie?

Okay readers, I have my personal theory about what happened to our heroes which you may or may not agree with. I think the foursome left the island but they were obviously changed forever by all the weirdness of that time there. Johnny changes his name to Mike
Brady, becomes an architect, marries Betty, and they have three sons. All is going well for the family, until a three hour boat tour (no, not that one) triggers the memories of that island, so she loses her sanity. Mike then locks her up in the attic and marries a lovely widow with three daughters (with the youngest one in curls).

Then again, maybe I am thinking about this ‘way too much.

Yeah, maybe you are, Crystal.  Everyone knows that Papa Brady just happened to have three sons and Mama Brady just happened to have three daughters...you know, the way that sort of thing just happens on TV.  Anyway, this flick proves that there are worse acting gigs than even portraying the father on The Brady Bunch.  Trouble is, folks get stuck on that bit of trivia about Bloodlust! and fail to appreciate what a gory little number this is, with spurting blood, mangled body parts, and graphic mutilation years before H. G. Lewis and David Friedman "invented it" with Blood Feast.  Well, so much for acquainting you with classic literature, Crystal.  We'd better just assign you to the out-and-out stinkers again...and, heh-heh, have we got a "hot" one for you next time.