Let's face it...although we love the classic monster flicks, they weren't without their flaws...in fact, some of them contained whoppers! Let's look at a few of the best beastly bloopers as we uncover the... BLUNDERS FROM THE KRYPT 1. "MAYBE THEY TOOK A WRONG TURN AT AL-BAT-QUERQUE"
And who can forget Bela Lugosi's eerie performance? His lyrical intonation of, "Listen to them! Children of the night! What music they make!" Presumably, he wasn't talking about armadillos. While these nocturnal critters do share the Count's love of the night life, they certainly don't favor his geographical climate. Armadillos are strictly native to the Southern US and South America. Which makes one wonder why a pair of them are seen scuttling about Drac's dusty Transylvanian digs. Not to mention the North American opossum they seem to have brought along for company. Who knows? Maybe they got lost on the way to Pismo Beach. 2. "VOLT'S UP, DOC" Arguably, Jack Pierce's "monsterpiece" was the makeup he devised for Frankenstein (1931). Certainly, it's the role that propelled Boris Karloff to "uncanny" fame. Karloff excelled in his sympathetic portrayal of the creature-as-lumbering-adolescent. A child unaware of it's own brute strength. But he was equally adept at conveying murderous rage, as in the scene where he chokes the life out of an inattentive Dr.Waldman (Edward Van Sloan) during a botched dissection.
"Tea...gooooooood!" Immediately thereafter, the Monster flees the lab. The only barrier to freedom is a door. Being slow-witted, he is confused by its simple mechanics, opening it more by luck than skill. Yet, he has had not only the presence of mind, but the dexterity of fingers to rebutton his jacket, which was undone in the previous shot. I guess it's true what they say. "Mad doctors might stitch 'em together, but it's the clothes that really do make the monster." 3. "ALL
WRAPPED UP IN HIMSELF" Karloff returned for 1932's The Mummy, playing High Priest Im-Ho-Tep, who is entombed alive for the crime of sacrilege. This time, the actor underwent a torturous makeup procedure involving bandages, cheesecloth and Fuller's Earth, in order to achieve the brittle and desiccated appearance of a 3,000 year old corpse. Perhaps the Mummy's fragility explains the lack of glass. For, when Im-Ho-Tep smashes the lid of a museum display case, we hear glass shatter but see nothing actually break. The lid is actually an empty frame. Don't believe me? Go ask your mummy. 4. "GORILLA MY DREAMS" or "WHAT YOU TALKIN' 'BOUT, WILLIS (O'BRIEN)?" Few films have packed the visual or dramatic impact of King Kong (1933). For decades, its benchmark effects and fairy-tale plot have inspired the likes of Rays Harryhausen and Bradbury. Much has been written about the unnatural rippling of Kong's fur, caused by animator Willis O'Brien's manipulation of the puppet. In his defense, this could also be produced by the great ape's own locomotion, or by the wind (though, admittedly, the rest of the jungle remains still). On the other paw, the discrepancy between the model and the full-scale hand used for close-ups is less easily explained. During Kong's rampage in New York, the chrome-steel manacle fastened around his wrist appears and disappears, depending upon which prop is being used for the shot.
"Cut! Kong's got something in his teeth!" Mind, that's nothing compared to the big question of the film--the one that dwarfs even the "Eighth Wonder of the World," and which occurs much earlier in the storyline. For, if the natives of the island fear Kong so much, why did they build a door large enough to accommodate him? 5. "BOY, THAT WENT RIGHT THROUGH ME!" Based on H.G. Wells' science-fiction novel of the same name, The Invisible Man (1933) recounts the tale of an ambitious genius driven insane by an experiment gone awry. Thanks to some clever effects and Claude Rains' enthusiastic performance as Dr. Griffin, it's easy to forget that the star doesn't actually appear onscreen until the last few seconds of the final reel. Flaws are less transparent, though. Without doubt, the most notorious flub of the movie comes when Griffin's naked feet stamp shoe-like impressions in virgin snow. But there's also a problem with the premise. Think of the human eye as a compact movie theater, the pupil acting as the projector, and the retina serving as the screen. Clearly, if these things are transparent, then it will be impossible for Griffin to see. In other words, he'd be as blind as the proverbial Devil Bat. Same goes for all invisible women, dogs and guinea pigs. Invisible bikinis being the only noteworthy exception.
"Not tonight, darling. I've got a hair-ache." 6."APPARENTLY BLONDES DON'T HAVE MORE FUN" Many critics consider James Whale's Bride Of Frankenstein (1935) superior to its predecessor. Debate it all you like. The fact remains that,
while Colin Clive returns as the tormented creator, he trades in his winsome blonde
fiancee (Mae Clarke) from the first film for a robust brunette (Valerie Hobson) in the
sequel--even though the ladies play the same character, and the events of the two movies
run consecutively. And speaking of hairdos and don'ts, what happened to the Bride's coif? Could it be that the nefarious Dr.Pretorius (Enest Thesiger) is moonlighting as a stylist? Would anyone really be surprised? 7. "HAIR TODAY, GONE TOMORROW" Born Crieghton Tull, Lon Chaney Jr. reluctantly adopted his father's name in order to get work at the major studios. The gambit paid off. With 1941's The Wolf Man, Junior earned a place in the Horror-Hall-of-Fame, right alongside the celebrated "Man of a Thousand Faces." In the story, Lawrence Talbot (Chaney) returns to his ancestral home in England, where he is promptly beset upon by a werewolf that inflicts him with its monthly curse.
"Here, Lon...good boy!" The first time Talbot transforms, we don't immediately see his face, the camera concentrating on his feet instead. Alas, the tops of his werewolf "booties" are blatantly visible beneath his pants cuffs. Clearly, this would never have happened if he'd checked the label beforehand to see if his trousers were "wash and werewolf." More importantly, why does Chaney's Wolf Man walk hunched-but-erect, when the werewolf that bit him is obviously a German shepherd pretending to be a Hungarian gypsy? Man's best friend, indeed. 8. "GOT BRAINS?" First of the monster-rally features, House Of Frankenstein (1944) not only includes Dracula, the Wolf Man and the Frankenstein Monster, but Boris Karloff as the vengeful Dr.Neimann. After using the Count to dispatch an old nemesis, the doctor launches phase two of his plan, whereby he intends to transplant the brains of two old adversaries into the skulls of the Monster and Wolf Man. Hmmm. Let me see... Insert the brains of two old enemies--who will no doubt be a tad miffed afterward--into a pair of unstoppable, killing machines. Nope. Don't see any flaw in that logic.
"Back off, you knuckleheads. You're crowding my big dance number!" 9. "HEY, CHICK!" The swan song of the classic Universal monsters is also a riot in every sense of the word. With Abbott & Costello Meet Frankenstein (1948), we bid a fond adieu to the original trilogy of terror (Dracula, the Monster and the Wolf Man), and are treated to Bela's final silver-screen appearance as the Count. Unfortunately, one scene reflects badly on him. Literally. For, when Bela puts the bite on femme fatale Lenore Aubert, he inadvertently casts a reflection in a not-so-strategically-placed mirror. Not that this is anything new. Previously, the same mistake occurred in both Son Of Dracula (1942) and House Of Frankenstein (1944), the latter in water during a carriage-chase scene.
"You're looking into my eyes...not into the mirror!" In yet another scene from A&C Meet Frankenstein, Wilbur (Costello) is trapped in a dungeon with the Monster and Dracula. He escapes via a revolving wall. Except, in the dungeon shots, Drac's coffin is clearly visible on the floor. In the spinning scenes, it's upright against said wall, flanked by the Monster and Drac. And, finally, if cranky old wax-museum curator McDougal (Frank Ferguson) survives the Wolf Man's attack, why isn't he craving a shaving the next time the moon is full and bright? 10. "A FINNY THING HAPPENED TO ME ON MY WAY TO THE BLACK LAGOON" Not only was the Creature a throwback to a prehistoric era, but to an earlier age of filmmaking as well. A simple boy meets girl, boy abducts girl, boy takes girl to underwater lair, boy gets riddled with bullets, boy's dead body bobs like "buoy" affair. Naturally, you can't keep a good monster down. And the sequel is where things get a bit fishy. In Revenge Of The Creature (1955), the hapless Gill Man is the one being abducted, netted out of the Amazon like so much herring. Of course, the Amazon is a freshwater river. Which makes you wonder why, when they take the Creature back to civilization, they place him in a saltwater tank. Can you imagine the outtakes in which John Agar and Lori Nelson attempt to flush the dead Creature down the toilet before anyone notices their little mistake?
"Get the plunger!" And what, exactly, is Clint Eastwood doing with that rat in his pocket? On second thought, never mind. As many a mad scientist has observed over the years, there are just some things in this world better left unknown. --by scribe_well Thanks, "scribe," for showing our favorite classic movie monsters are their most embarrassing moments! There's many a slip 'twixt fangs and neck, it seems! Article copyright © scribe_well. "Franky and the Banana Peel" artwork copyright © Stu Smith. Visit his art websites here and here. |
