It's usually entertaining to watch Bela Lugosi perform in whatever venue he's playing in, even the dirt-cheap Monograms he did back in the Forties.  But there are exceptions, perhaps.  Like that horrible film he made with Mother Riley that can trigger projectile vomiting in some sensitive folks.  Or this flick, in which...

By CRYSTAL GUILLORY

Ah, there is nothing like being on vacation! It is the chance to put work and other cares on the backburner while lounging around watching cool marathons of Twilight Zone and Iron Chef.

However it was my original plan to watch my next HORROR-WOOD assignment, the 1955 Ed Wood camp classic, Bride Of The Monster (originally titled Bride Of The Atom over the vacation, but I left it at home.

Alas, nothing lasts forever and it became time to get back to reality. As I was unpacking and putting things away, I discovered that the Bride videotape was nowhere in my house! I was slightly freaked out about this, for I needed to watch the video and write about it. As the fruitless search wore on, I knew I had to purchase another, so I could do the article.

So, the next day, I arrived at work, only to receive very curt "hellos" as I entered. I wondered what the deal was, but figured out that some staff members had woken up on the wrong side of the bed that morning. I would discover the reason for the curtness later in the day...

In the afternoon, I was called into the back room, and then I found myself surrounded by my coworkers a moment later. What was going on? Was it something I did?

I then realized why I called into a conference when I saw the object in my manager's hands. It was my video copy of Bride Of The Monster. So I left it at work, after all!  Then I became confused; this movie should not cause this much controversy (unless one had issues with its excessive use of stock footage).  I decided to be brave and speak up.

"So, why am I called into this meeting?"

The manager, Tom, spoke up, "Crystal, we called you back here to have an important talk with you. Now, I don't want to hurt your feelings or insult you in any way, but…"

Jacklyn then spoke up: "What the hell are you doing watching this crap?"

As you can imagine, I was completely confused at what was going on, why would they be so concerned about what I watch? At that point I began recall the time my mother ranted about my watching They Saved Hitler's Brain, and started to feel deja vu all over again.

I felt brave again and decided to speak up once more: "Okay group, what brought all this on?"

Carlton cleared his throat and spoke up: "Well, this all started one day last week during lunch hour. I was sitting here with Jacklyn and Deanna and we were looking for something to watch on TV. We were all set to watch our favorite trash TV talk show, but when we saw that the topic was "Send my child to makeover boot camp!" again, we changed the channel!"

"I hate reruns, " Jacklyn interjected at that moment.

"Hey, who's telling the story? Well, there was nothing on TV, so we were bored. Then Deanna noticed the tape on your shelf, so we figured you would not mind if we preview your tape for you. After all, it had a cool title and Bela Lugosi, so we were intrigued.

"I began to regret my decision as we started to watch this movie. We had this exciting scene of these two goobers walking around in the rain, but then they decide to go to the old spooky house to get out of the storm. Come on! Every horror fan knows that is the kind of house to avoid in bad weather! Anyway they knock on the door but Bela Lugosi and some big bald guy chases them away. We see Bela going into his secret lab where he gets to peer at stock footage of his pet octopus, then he sends the octopus out to catch those pesky people."

Deanna looked puzzled.

"Shouldn't he have had a sign on his yard warning about his octopus? You know, like people have about their mean dogs?"

"Deanna, that is besides the point! Besides, we all know how people don't read signs!" Jacklyn interjected once again.

"Ladies, can we get back to Carlton?"

"Thanks Tom! Well, we see the goobers walk away from the house but one of them falls in the water. Soon we hear him screaming and see shots of octopus stock footage, what was that about? Were we supposed to put two and two together? Then we see the goober lying on some obviously fake octopus and writhing around in it, pretending that it was fighting him. What was that all about?"

I decided to speak up at that moment so that I could clear up that mystery.

"Well, I have read Ed Wood (the writer and director) and others stole the prop octopus from Republic Studios without the motor that made it move, so they had the victims lie back and do all the work."

"Lie back and do all the work, eh? Sounds like the perfect date to me!" Jacklyn smirked.

"Anyway, he and big guy (what is his name, anyway?) bring the surviving goober to Bela's lab. It is there that Bela tells the goober that he could become a "giant or die" so guess what happens? Soon we are shown headlines screaming about a monster.  Gee, they sure didn’t look like supermarket tabloids." Carlton chuckled.

"So am I to understand you were drawn into this movie at this point?"

Jacklyn looked me directly into my eyes. "Yes, indeed! This damn movie was becoming like a train wreck to us at that time, we had to find out what was going on. Who is that big bald guy anyway?"

I shuffled my feet sheepishly as I answered her question. "Well he’s Tor Johnson, he was the first wrestler/actor who played in many B-movies for years. Would you like to see the article I wrote on him for a Website?"

"No! And, girl, get away from that computer! You have too much useless information crowding your cranium."

 Tom sighed heavily. "Can we get back to the subject please? As you were saying, Jacklyn?"

"Okay, so the cop captain and the lieutenant are talking about the latest disappearances when Miss Thang walks in. Janet then bitches to the Lieutenant about him avoiding her, and I wonder why? Miss Thang, Janet, is a reporter who wants to find out the story behind the disappearances at Lake Marsh. Good Lord that girl is a bad actress, where did they find her?"

Carlton nodded his head "Yeah, and the lieutenant is no bargain either. Why do I think you know something about how they got that acting gig, Crystal?"

I took my cue and filled them in on some background information.

"Well, the actress (?) playing Janet is Loretta King, who may or may not have promised to give Ed Wood $60,000 to back this movie. So, the lead role that Ed wrote for his girlfriend, Dolores Fuller, (who played that gal who has playful banter with Janet in the hall) went to Loretta King. Ms King says she made no such claim, so it’s a he said/she said sort of thing. As for Tony McCoy (Lt Craig), he did get the role as a result of funding from his father! There are some sources who claim Wood complained about his lack of acting ability."

"Humph, considering how wooden McCoy is, was his father's name Ghepetto?"

We all chuckled at Tom's joke and Jacklyn went on with her rant. "Okay, so Ms Ballsy goes off to look at records while talking to Miss Tillie and her disappearing pencil. What was up with that? She finds some answers and gets ready to drive to Marsh Lake."

"Oh, I did love that adorable little fur cap she wore. Oh I do so love angora." Deanna cooed.

"So did Ed Wood, but that is another story for another time."

"Crystal! Must you interrupt me when I am ranting here? Okay, so while she is driving off to Marsh Lake the captain and the lieutenant have a talk with this foreign guy (what was his accent, anyway?) who is an expert on creatures like the Loch Ness monster. He wants to go to Marsh Lake to check out the events, so Lt. Craig is going to go with him tomorrow. Meanwhile, Janet is driving along when she gets into a slight accident. This causes Janet to be out in the woods where she encounters a rubber snake that miraculously turns into a real one thanks to stock footage. What kind of editing job is that? Eventually she faints and that big guy fondles her furry cap, picks her up, and brings her to that big scary house. There she meets up with Bela, who tells her to sleep while making weird hand gestures. What is up with that?"

"Ah, Jacklyn, that was a homage to his role as Dracula. Later he will use a hand gesture that he used in White Zombie.

"Crystal, how your head does not explode from all that trivia I will never know! So, meanwhile, the foreign guy goes to visit Bela for he has a deal to make with him. Meanwhile, Craig getting orders from the forerunner for Barretta to find that foreign gentleman and Janet."

"Hmmm, don't do the crime if you can't do the time." Tom starts singing at that moment.

"Oh, great, another one with useless bits of information in their head? Janet wakes up again, to see the big guy bring her breakfast, which freaks her out a little. Bela tells her that Lobo (you know, the big guy) is "harmless as a kitchen". What is that about?"

"The line is, "harmless as a kitten," which is misheard all the time."

"Oh, neither here nor there missy! Lobo looks lovingly at Janet but Bela beats him. Gee, love hurts after all. Janet then finds out that Bela knows who she is by looking into her purse. The nerve! Bela once again works his voodoo on Janet, making her sleep, much to the delight of the audience. Meanwhile, the foreign guy meets up with Bela, who is actually a secret agent from his mother country. Now we find out about Bela's character, Varnoff, who was called mad for his experiments using atomic energy. It was his plan to use that energy to create a new race of people and conquer the world while he was at it. The foreign guy wants to use force to bring Bela back to their home country, but soon he is feeding the octopus."

I became brave and I asked, "So, why were you all still watching?"

My manager, Tom, rolled his eyes. "I got interested in it because of the music and I usually like old movies like this. That was until I saw this one. I started to watch as that goofy Lt. Craig was out looking for his girl. I had to laugh as he was shooting at the stock footage of an alligator while sinking in quicksand.  I wondered if it could get any stranger, but it did. I saw Bela playing with instruments and moving his hands in weird ways. Now that you say it was homage to his old films, it does make sense in a strange sort of way."

Deanna then spoke up, the light bouncing off her rhinestone-laden glasses as she shook her head. "What I don't get is that he brings her out in that wedding dress and lays her on his table. He then puts a colander on her head and tells her she will be a woman of super strength and beauty. I never thought a colander could be used in makeovers, but to each their own. The most terrifying thing happened when her fiancé' showed up to save her, he saw her in a wedding gown! Don't you all know how unlucky that is for a couple?"

We all looked at Deanna like she was crazy at that moment. Carlton broke the silence. "Well, it was unlucky after all, for the big guy, Lobo, to grab her fiancé. Then we see Lt. Craig chained up to the wall taking this flick to a whole weird area."

"Sticks and stones may break my bones but whips and chains excite me!"

Everyone then looked at me like I was crazy, so I quickly changed the subject. "So what happens next?"

Tom stepped up to the plate that moment. "Well, Lobo takes her hat out of his pocket and realizes that he loves her.   Lobo then frees Janet who tries to rescue her man. Meanwhile Lobo decides to give Bela a taste of his own atomic medicine! Gee, only the great Lugosi could take a colander and photo enlarger and use them for world conquest, you know. That is beside the point, for Lt. Craig and Janet try to get away but Lobo stops them. So Lobo gives Bela the juice, and it makes him a new man out of him... literally!"

"Oh yeah, those scenes were filmed with a stand-in who was a little taller then Bela. Gee, that happened in Plan 9 From Outer Space," as well."

"Crystal, what did I tell you about filling your mind with useless facts?"

"Hey, come on gals, Let me continue! So the new Bela beats the crap out of Lobo and takes Janet away while the house is burning. Bela has to drop Janet while he faces the newly arrived police. I guess the bullets are bouncing off of his superhuman skin right? It looks like he can't be stopped or contained, until Lt. Craig rolls a boulder in not-Bela's direction. That causes him to roll into the pond and into the awaiting embrace of his pet octopus. This somehow causes an atomic explosion but they are all still standing, what was up with that ending?"

All eyes were on me for they knew I must have had some information about that last scene.

"Funny you should ask, for the explosion was at the request of old man McCoy, you know, the one who backed the movie? I think he wanted it as a protest against atomic war or maybe he just liked explosions."

Speaking of explosions, I could sense Jacklyn was about to explode.

"You see! You see! It was this stupid movie! This stupid, stupid movie that took a little more of an hour from our lives! We all got so wrapped up in this movie that were some customers unattended and that got us in trouble with the regional manager. We all had to watch this train wreck of a movie to find out how it ended!"

So, I began to apologize endlessly to the staff and had to make amends real quick. They accepted the apology, and the promise I would work some of their Saturdays to make up for this travesty.

Ah well, I really didn't have any weekend plans for the next three months.

Thanks, Crystal!  Film criticism by committee, eh?  That's a novel approach.  But you have to watch where you put things, you know.  We're sorry you got into trouble with your co-workers.  How you suffer for your art, heh-heh. 

Article copyright @ Crystal Guillory

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