By CRYSTAL GUILLORY

Dear HORROR-WOOD readers, both of you (just kidding, Renfield): I can now say I have officially seen it all!

As one who was part of the New Orleans Worst Film Festival, I have seen many bad, awful, mind-boggling dreadful movies. I had thought I had survived the worst--after all I sat through Seven Dwarves To The Rescue. Oh boy, was I ever wrong.

I should back up and tell you all about the fateful day I saw this (thankfully) rare feature. A friend called me and invited me over for lunch, saying that he had something to show me. Just in case this was a cheesy ploy to try to hit on me, I brought another friend along with me.

After lunch Dave showed this film canister, explaining that it was a lost horror flick from the Fifties or Sixties. He knew that I was into cheesy flicks so he proceeded to get his projector ready to show the movie. Little did I realize I would regret my visit that day.

The print of the film was very bad to say the least, but I could at least read the title:

From Hell It Hopped.

I chuckled to myself, thinking it was a cheesy title--not realizing that it would be my last chuckle for the next hour and ten minutes.

The film opened up rather innocently in this nondescript little town on a Saturday night. A young couple was getting quite passionate standing on some deserted bridge.   However, the girl suddenly screamed before the two could do anything to annoy the censors.

One did not see the monster, but you know that something big and nasty was walking toward the young couple. The scene faded to black to imply some horrible things happened to the young lovers.

The scene switched over to a man in a white coat playing with beakers and test tubes filled with bubbling liquids. Why, this man must be a scientist! He then spoke some scientific gibberish to his plain-Jane assistant (actually, her name was "Drama") about his experiment.

I wish I could remember what that experiment was, but the soundtrack was really crackling at that moment.  From what I could make out of the conversation, it was dialogue that would have made Ed Wood Jr. proud.   A burly sheriff walked through into the lab and asked the "Doc" for help with a strange murder case.

Some fellow had been attacked by an animal, but the police could not determine what kind. The victim's date was no help for she was catatonic with shock and all she could say was "hop...hop...hop..."  So the sheriff paid a visit to their friendly neighborhood scientist (Dr. Anton Cadbury) to see if he could help with the case.

Dr. Cadbury and his assistant Darla first interviewed the girl, but, as she was comatose, she wasn't too helpful.  Then they went to the scene of the crime, were various extra portraying reporters looked for a "scoop." One such reporter, called "Snickers" Jackson, kept asking the good doctor all kinds of questions about what he thought had occurred. The good doctor was patient up to a point, but then read the newshound the riot act for getting in the way of his investigation.

Meanwhile, around the town some people discovered   unusual "eggs" all over the place. Some hapless bum took a bite, and discovers it to be chocolate!  So, the people of the town ate up this new taste treat, not caring on where it has come from. However, they didn't notice that the local bum is acting stranger than usual.

DR Cadbury and "Snickers" decided to work together on this case. So "Snicker" insisted that the best place to get a lead on that death would be in the local strip club, Godiva's.  (The director must have needed some filler to film some of this, but, oddly enough, it was the most entertaining part of the movie.) "Snickers" met up with the star attraction, "Mounds" Montgomery, who just happens to be related to that poor catatonic girl.

After "Mounds" did her act, she related to the reporter how she notices something big and fluffy following her around. The reporter thinks she is bonkers, but he does not mind her company.   The two left the nightclub (hmm...somehow it looked like middle of the afternoon, although it was supposed to be past midnight) and "Mounds" sensed something was following them.

The reporter thought she is imagining things--however he couldn't help but notice hopping noises behind him. He turned around to look and immediately regretted it.

It's the monster--a monster with long ears and a fluffy tail!  "Snickers" quickly took a picture of the creature, then grabbed the dancer by the hand and ran away. "Mounds" fell down two times ( gee, I wonder if those high heels she wore had anything to do with it) as they made their getaway.

Then they went to DR Cadbury's place--he locked the door behind them.  They just barely escaped from==from--the killer bunny!

I looked at my friend in disbelief, muttering obscenities while saying the whole time, "You have got to be kidding!"  My friend then reminded me of the killer rabbit scene from Monty Python And The Holy Grail and, of course, Night Of The Lepus.  I then reminded him that those movies was far more entertaining.

Anyway, back to the flick...

At the lab, the people are trapped by the huge, menacing (yeah, right) white rabbit. The rabbit tried to get to the four people inside, even by trying to climb up the building. I had to chuckle at the special effects.  At that moment, here was a normal-sized bunny rabbit walking on a model building (laid sideways). At that moment, I began to wish for this to be an Ed Wood, Jr. movie or even a Ray Dennis Steckler movie, for crying out loud.  For once in my bad-movie life, I was about to cry out loud "Stop the movie!"

All looked bleak for our four heroes, but then Sheriff Goode-Barr comes to the lab and shot at the bunny. The bunny was rather annoyed but decided to hop away. The four folks inside the lab are grateful to see the sheriff, but the relief was short lived. The sheriff has come to tell them that the towns people have turned into zombies as a result of eating the bizarre chocolate eggs.

DR Cadbury decided to investigate the samples that the sheriff has brought to him. The good doctor worked into the night, then discovered that the chocolate has a hypnotizing, calming effect on the ones that eat it. (Sheesh, any woman could have told him that!)

It is at that point where the Sheriff started to behave very strangely toward the scientist. In fact, he tries to kill him! "Snickers" started to notice the strange glow in the sheriff's eyes as the sheriff lunges toward the scientist. "Mounds" then hit the sheriff with her.. ahh.. attributes, causing the sheriff to fall to the ground. The three tied up Sheriff Goode-Barr, who then begins to speak to them in a strange voice.

The voice explained that he is Ghirodeeli and how he is masterminding the whole thing from Mars. He sent the giant bunny to lay the chocolate eggs for the unsuspecting earth people eat, thereby enslaving the human race. Ghirodeeli revealed that the only way to stop the invasion is to destroy the bunny. (Yeah, I know it does not make sense to me, either.)

The four realized that Earth is in a lot of trouble, so they have to come up with a clever plan. Then the lab is surrounded by the slaves of Ghirodeeli and the bunny. The zombie-like townspeople try to break into the lab while "Snickers" escaped to contact the military. The four fought to keep the "zombies" away while awaiting for the military.

Just when all looked bleak and I am about to cheer for the bunny and Ghirodeeli, the military showed up. The army of stock footage was led by brave General Reeses, a square-jawed soldier who made the decision on how to get rid of the menace: blow it away using the spiffy new atom bomb. The bomb blew away the bunny, and Ghirodeeli was destroyed in the process, freeing the townspeople from their trance.

The townspeople declared Reeses, Cadbury, and the others to be heroes (that is after they crawled out of their shelters and the radiation and fallout was gone I imagined). All was well in the land as Cadbury planed to marry "Mounds" and "Snickers" planed to marry Ms Hershey.

Just when all was sweet, the camera zoomed on a chocolate egg and a hand reaching for it...

The scream I heard then was my own as I bolted from the room and the house with my friend Ida in tow. We then went to a bar as I tried to rid myself of the memory of that crappy film--to no avail, which is why you are reading this article. I figured writing about this piece of celluloid crud would make me feel better.

Well it doesn't.

This whole thing has made me think, what am I doing watching these schlocky flicks anyway? There is a whole world of art and culture and I am watching things like Battlefield Earth and From Hell It Hopped. Sheesh! Well, HORROR-WOOD readers, this is my last article on cheesy movies!   I mean it!

Oh yeah, regarding your chances of finding that film on video or DVD, I have two words for you:

APRIL FOOL!!!!

(Crystal Guillory is vice-president of the New Orleans Worst Film Festival.  Click here to read more about it.  You can contact Crystal personally here.)

What?!?  Wait a minute--oh, that's right, this is the April issue.  Very funny, Crystal!  Just for that, you get all those yucky marshmallow eggs that no one ever wants this Easter.   Bon appetite! 

Article copyright © Crystal Guillory

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