By CRYSTAL GUILLORY

Submitted for your approval, a couple is sitting on a couch trying to decide what video (or DVD) to watch that Saturday evening. The female will vote for the costume drama, comedy, or musical, while the male likely goes for the action film or the horror film.  Since this is HORROR-WOOD, of course the male opts for the horror movie.

With methods of choosing that would make the Floridian voting procedures look easy, the choice is made for a horror movie. The female begins to protest and even begins to demand a recount, but then she sighs and leans back unto the couch grumbling about what she has to watch.

At that point the male can't swear to this, but he thinks he saw a smile, no, a smirk cross her lips. He then rationalizes that he is seeing things and proceeds to watch the movie.

Well. dear reader, I am here to expose a scam that some females have already known. The shocking fact that many horror films are "chick flicks" in disguise!

Now, before many of you start writing angry letters of protest to this Webzine (the name is Crystal--Ms Guillory if you're nasty) allow me to present my case.

I will start with the most obvious films then move on to the least obvious. If you're not careful, you may learn something.

Let's start with the most obvious horror-chick flick of all time: The Attack Of The 50-Foot Woman.

This campy flick has been wonderfully covered in this webzine before, but I will still give a brief synopsis of the plot. A beautiful rich woman is in a hellish marriage to a lout who runs around on her with the town hussy (trampily played by Yvette Vickers, and I mean that as a compliment). How many times in women's pictures have we seen the suffering female in a hellish situation?

Then, one day, literally out of the blue, her life changes as a result with a close encounter with a giant attractive bald alien. As a result of this encounter, she becomes more of a woman, much more of a woman (about 50 feet more!).  Not only is she taller, but she was given a wonderful makeover to boot!

With this new-found empowerment and self-esteem, she decides to take control of her life. She then kicks ass and takes names, starting with her low-life husband and his tramp. Readers, this was decades before Thelma And Louise!

What woman did not cheer two female outlaws taking on male society, even if they had to drive off a cliff in the end? Likewise, the heroine in this movie is defeated by the male society of that time. One may well notice a few tears rolling down a woman's face at the end of this movie.

The next feature I will examine is King Kong. With a line like "it was beauty that killed the beast," how can it not be a "chick flick" in disguise? We have all seen this type of plot in women's pictures before, haven't we? A tropical location and two beings from different worlds are drawn to each other. However, circumstances arrive and the lovers are split apart, never to reunite.

What woman does not get all teary at that prospect? So what if the lead is much taller and hairier then the female? It is still a sad thing when Kong is defeated for having loved too much.

On a cheerier note, I want to examine The Abominable Dr. Phibes with the great Vincent Price next. I can see you all now shaking your heads and thinking "Oh, she is cracked, how can a movie with that many murders and mayhem be considered a chick flick?"

Well, dear readers, just as James Cameron had to use the mayhem of the Titanic's sinking to sell the idea to men of seeing a chick flick with their dates (say what you will, in spite of the action with the ship sinking, Titanic was a chick flick), so the makers of Dr. Phibes had to pad this movie with violence to sell it to all audiences.

How is it a "chick flick"? Well, what woman does not enjoy musicals? There are plenty wonderful musical numbers in this movie, thanks to Phibes or his wonderful clockwork orchestra. Let us also not forget the wonderful interludes where Phibes did ballroom dancing with Vulnavia or pronounced his undying love to his late wife Victoria? What woman would not sigh winsomely when a man professes his love to her that much? In spite of the murders, there is a tender-hearted love story there.

Then there is Bride Of Frankenstein, directed by the great James Whale. There you go, just by the word "Bride" gives it chick flick points! Considering that this film begins with Ms Shelley talking about her literary creation in a charming costume vignette, it is a natural for the chick flick category. What woman does not go for costume drama, eh? Not to mention the sophisticated black humor of the movie, which is praised by many critics.

However I would be remiss if I did not talk about the lovely bride herself. The winsome (in spite of her dairy-queen hairdo) woman who in her few minutes of life proved to have such a fire within her. This woman who had enough self-confidence in her few minutes of life to realize that she wanted more than to be the mate of some monster.

Who knows what went through her revived brain at that moment? Perhaps she thought that she wanted to explore some other options, maybe even a career, and it came out like a cat-like hiss. Alas, thanks to the pull of a switch, we will never know her potential. Let's also remember that the Monster himself was trying to find his way into the world, to find a friend. Isn't this part and parcel of many a female drama?

Last but not least, I want to finish with a film that has had many female pulses racing.

What woman has not swooned over a suave, mysterious foreigner in a dark gothic castle? Come on, anyone can see that the original Dracula is definitely women's picture material. Let us also consider the fact that it was based on a classic novel, and we all know that quite a few "chick flicks" come from the classics.

What else can we say but three words, Lugosi, Lugosi, Lugosi?

So there you have it--my unmasking of the great charade that goes on each Saturday night. When you guys think that your date does not want to see that fright flick, chances are she might!

I know that revealing all this will make me as popular as Mr. Rushdie, so I now plan to go into hiding from my female compatriots. After all, I revealed a great secret! If you really must contact me, look for Ms Throat-Warbler Mangrove in the phone book.  Leave a message at the tone.

(Crystal Guillory is vice-president of the New Orleans Worst Film Festival.  Click here to read more about it.  You can contact Crystal personally here.)

Thanks, Crystal, uh, that is, Throat-Warbler.  There's two messages for you...they're really interested in finding you...their names? Thelma and Louise...

Article copyright © Crystal Guillory

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