In our last issue, we looked at one of two sci-fi giant monster flicks that Western film veteran Forrest Tucker made in Merrie Olde England back in the Fifties.  While the first was distinguished with a strong plot, some good performances, and giant-eyeball monsters you just had to love, the second film is pretty mundane.  It shows some potential to be a nice little shocker, but its shortcomings tend to sink it with critics and fright film fans.  That's why we have to confess that we're...

By JEFF BERES

Although Cosmic Monsters is known as a companion piece to The Crawling Eye, a quick check on the IMDB shows Forrest Tucker as the only person working on both films. Perhaps British filmmakers were testing the water with this one since the Yanks were doing well with quickie sci-fi films. Maybe this film was practice for the better-in-every-way The Crawling Eye.

This film hasn’t been produced as a DVD yet so I’m watching a very shaky VHS tape. Not a good start. Why haven’t sci-fi fans requested at least a watchable version of this film? Hmmm.

During the credits, the only person I recognize is Forrest Tucker. We’re off to a bad start. Shaky film. Shaky actor. I realize I’d better change my mood if I’m going to give this film a fair shake so I switch to Scientist mode. I’ll watch this film as if I’m conducting an experiment. Total abjectiv--I mean, objectivity.

We start with a series of huge explosions. It looks like we’re in for a warning film about weapons of mass destruction. Like Bride Of The Monster? Oh, no!

Objectivity…objectivity…

Next, we’re given a quick look at the mysterious Planet X.

Back to earth. We meet Gil (Forest) and Dr. Laird in a laboratory. Forrest is a scientist. He doesn’t walk like a scientist. More like a cowboy.

Dr. Laird runs the lab and is aided by an Operator. While they run a huge machine, the Operator has an accident. The clocks in the lab stop.

We cut to a nearby pub where the bartender serves drinks after the ten thirty curfew since his clock stops regularly. Funny. And informative. This machine Dr. Laird is testing is apparently affecting things outside the lab.

Back at the lab, the Operator has to be replaced. Now we cut to two guys in an office who discuss pulling the plug on the experiment. They are Brig. General Cartwright

and Jimmy Murray. Very interesting discussion about the pros and cons of Pure Research versus Practical research.

Jimmy gives the Brigadier General a bar of metal to take to Gil (Forrest).

Back at the lab, Gil and Laird find out their prospective new Operator is a woman. Forrest believes all women scientists are bossy spinsters. Here we also learn the purpose of the experiment which is to change the chemistry of metal using electricity. They place an item in a drawer in the machine then turn the machine on. Apparently the military thinks they can use this machine on enemy planes, turning them into peanut butter or something so they fall from the sky. (I might have dozed off and dreamt the peanut butter part. But they are trying to change the chemistry of metal.)

Well, the new Operator shows up and of course she’s a babe. A French Babe, Michelle. Gil changes his tune real quick when he meets her. He goes so far as to tell her to stand up to Laird if he gives her any crap. I think Michelle turns Gil into peanut butter. The military should try to harness THAT.

Next, Gil tries to persuade the Brigadier that his work is important. He tells him they’re goal of dropping planes out of the air.

In the meantime, Michelle teaches Laird about the machine he’s using. Apparently she’s an expert. Laird takes a liking to her. Gil butts in and tells them he isn’t sure they should continue the experiment since they aren’t sure of the effects of the Arc Machine over long distances. We already know this is a danger because of the pub clock.

The Brigadier wants Gil and Laird to put the metal he brought in their Arc Cooker.

Now we cut away to a young girl getting yelled out for talking to Bums. She’s apparently interested in insects and so is the bum she was talking to. To anyone else this would be obvious foreshadowing but it went right over my head.

Back at the lab, Michelle asks Gil what they do for fun. Hubba hubba. Those Frenchies, eh? He says he goes to the local pub. She wants to go with him.

At this point, it became obvious that music wasn’t a major consideration in the film. Very little mood music. Also, the woman playing Michelle, Gaby Andre, must not have had a convincing French accent because all of her lines are badly dubbed. I mean really bad. To the point where every time she speaks, it threw me out of the movie. I’d be thinking maybe the bad dubbing had something to do with the film not getting shown over here, or "How bad was her performance that they had to dub every one of her lines?" It couldn’t have been as bad as the dubbing.

Objective…objective…

Okay. Michelle wants to find out what she’s in for with this new job of hers so she grills Gil. She wants to know if what they’re doing is dangerous.

Then they cut to a Bum in the park again. He’s making up his newspaper bed. Hmmm.

Back to the lab where we learn that watches are best not taken into the lab because of the magnets in them.

At this point I realize this film has none of the charm of The Crawling Eye. For example, Forrest was a lot more relaxed in Eye. He’s a bit of a stiff in this flick. Even when he kisses Michelle later in the film, it’s a light peck. That’s just not his style. He’s a "sweep em off their feet" type of kisser. I think the director really harnessed Forrest’s performance. Bad casting, actually.

Back at the lab, Laird and company put the metal piece the Brigadier brought into the machine and start her up. The Brigadier keeps a close eye on them.

Then all hell breaks lose. The Brigadier’s briefcase, hanging on a coat rack, yanks the coat rack off the wall and sends it flying across the room, right toward Michelle. Forrest knocks Michelle out of the way, saving her from the flying projectile.

At the Pub, the TV explodes.

Out in the woods, the Bum’s face burns. Okay. We’re starting to put two and two together.

Back at the lab, we find out the Brigadier left his keys in the briefcase. The electro magnetic pull was so strong it pulled the briefcase, coat rack and all, and sent it flying across the room. Finally, some action. Pretty good stuff, too.

The experiment was a success. They changed the structure of the metal bar the Brigadier brought. It became very brittle.

Outside, a space ship lands. This apparently causes tidal waves that knock the English ships about.

We cut to the office of a tabloid. The staff are making up flying saucer stories.

Back at the lab, the Brigadier finds another bar of metal Gerald had given him to test. It, too, is brittle. But it was in his briefcase – not in the drawer of the machine.

Gerald and the Brigadier intensify security at the lab. They realize the danger.

Gil visits Michelle to discuss this problem.

Laird listens in on them. Everyone’s getting suspicious of everyone else. And especially of Laird.

Now we cut back to Gerald and Jimmy discussing what they’re going to do next. These scenes are extremely dry. Medium shots of two guys talking. What could be more boring? By contrast, quite a few of the expository scenes from The Crawling Eye were done with style…low camera angles, weird lighting, actors quickly walking into scene with the low camera angles making them loom. Cosmic Monsters could have used some of this "spicing up" like that.

Also, lines like "Another lorry load of govens arriving" make us Yanks cringe. What the hell does that mean?

Objective…objective…

Okay, back to the film. Looks like we have an alien with an English accent. He chats with a young schoolgirl in the woods. You know he’s an alien because he has a goatee without a mustache.

The Alien asks the little girl where Dr. Laird lives. She tells him. Then she says his whiskers are strange. The next time we see him, the moustache is gone.

This Alien is the most likable character in the story so far. The little girl is an excellent actress, too. This is a nice scene.

And back to Gerald on the phone. After seeing some nice acting, I realize Gerald is ruining the film for me. He is soooooo dry. Most of the actors are dry. Maybe that’s why they drink so much. They’re knocking back cocktails in just about every scene.

I check the credits and find out Gerald Wilson is the boring guy, played by Geoffrey Chater. I looked up Chater on the ‘net and find his listing at his agency "across the pond." He’s quite an accomplished actor. He was in Ghandi, O’ Lucky Man, and 10 Rillington Place, a personal favorite of mine. But wait…he doesn’t list Cosmic Monsters or any of its AKAs on his resume. Can’t say as I blame him. Not his best performance.

Back to our film. As I fight nodding off, the Bum starts attacking women in the park. Things are picking up. But I remember in The Crawling Eye there were beheadings and Crawling Eye attacks by now. In Cosmic Monsters, we have a polite English alien with a moustacheless goatee.

Objective…objective…

Now the police suspect Laird’s involved in the Bum attack.

Gil, Michelle and Gerald meet at the Pub. We see a little comedy with a middle-aged couple bickering about the drinks. Too late, guys. The movie’s half way done.

A guy asks around to see if anyone saw a woman he was supposed to meet at the pub. Cut to said woman on the way to the bus stop. Same place the other woman got attacked.

Back at the bar, Gil realizes they had a "syndrome;" a circle of energy that grows till some part of the circuit goes bust.

Gil goes back to the lab. Laird argues with Gil about what happened for some reason. Laird realized the syndrome last week. He didn’t say anything cause he wanted to create a more powerful machine. We see the seeds of Laird losing his mind.

Gil says it’s like putting a six-inch nail across a 5 amp house shoe, whatever the hell that is. Laird tries to fire Gil. Laird explains he only needs one person to operate the machine now. You can almost hear the "Muahahahaha!"

Okay, now things kick into gear. The guy who was waiting for the girl at bar goes to the bus stop to look for her. He finds his mangled girl friend and the Bum. The Bum is pretty scary looking, like a corpse in the darkness. Let me take a minute here to point out how creepy this scene is. The Bum’s face is in the shadows of a tree so you can’t make out his features very well. The music swells BEFORE we see the Bum, then cuts off abruptly as the camera lands on the Bum’s face and lingers awhile, his eyes looking like empty sockets. All this in silence. Extremely effective. Shiver stuff.

We linger on the Bum’s face a few extra seconds then BAM. The cosmic monster, I guess, lunges, sort of, out of the woods. Nice one-two punch!

Back at the bar, Gerald puts the hits on Michelle. She blows him off because she likes Gil.

A cop comes to say they found the girl, Gillian Betts, dead. Murder. In Briarly Woods, sir. The cop says everyone should go home. Gil, Gerald and Michelle offer the Alien a ride home, not knowing he’s an Alien. The Alien accepts. The four of them leave.

Gerald goes back in to tell the cop about the man waiting for Gillian. Outside, the Alien makes plans to meet Michelle and Laird back at the pub the next night.

We find out the Alien’s name is Smith.

Okay, back at someone’s apartment, our trio discusses the Alien. But I had to stop the tape because at one point during his speech, Forrest clears his throat with a loud "Hrrmmmmph." I lost it. Extremely funny. I think they should have used a different take, if they had it.

And where the hell are these people? I guess at a hotel. Anyway, after their meeting, Gil kisses Michelle with all the passion of a wet fish. Then he punches her lightly on the jaw. Aye-yi-yi.

The next day, Michelle and Gil meet Smith at the pub. Smith is interested in magnetic fields.

Smith points out the experiment might upset the magnetic field of the earth. He also says there’s a danger of radioactivity. I realize in this scene why Forrest doesn’t make a good scientist. Scientists are passionate. Forrest looks like he’s going to nod off.

Smith points out that the irradiated people (remember the Bum?) might kill others. And irradiated insects mutate into-- Cosmic Monsters.

Okay, back to the Little Girl in the field looking for insects. She sees a big egg. She’s actually a decent little actress. Then she sees a giant grasshopper that watches her take the egg away. And then what appear to be giant centipedes.

Okay, so here are our title creatures, the Cosmic Monsters. Irradiated insects. Bad irradiated insects. Bert I. Gordon bad. Well, maybe not that bad. But very unconvincing.

Gil wants Smith to talk to other scientists of the world to warn them. Smith refuses saying they won’t believe him.

Then the Little Girl’s landlord finds the giant insect egg and asks Michelle what to do with it.

Oh, Lord. All the boring guys get back together again to drink and discuss what to do next. Boy those drinks look good.

Okay, Forrest decides to start acting. He tries to get the politicians and military guys to cordon off the woods cause the insects will take over the town.

Back to the Little Girl hunting bugs. Uh oh. Here come the giant insects. It looks like they intercut a nature documentary with the movie, the bugs are that bad. Well, The Crawling Eye had bad effects, too. Must be a British thang. More likely it was a fiscal thang.

The Girl’s Mother, a teacher, is stuck in the school. The insects surround the school. Michelle figures this out somehow and goes to help.

Michelle gets a little too close to the school. The bugs see her. She tries to run but gets trapped in a giant web of some sort. A bug and a spider head toward her as she screams.

Forrest comes to save Michelle in the nick of time. Can’t really tell what the bug is doing. It’s having conniptions right next to Michelle, for some reason. Oh, now I get it. The spider is cocooning the bug. Very cheesy.

The military arrive and start blasting the insects. Somehow a giant gecko sneaks in there with the bugs. Somebody tell Geico.

Gerald goes to Laird to stop him from running the machine but Laird pulls a gun on him. Laird shoots Gerald. The military shoots the bugs. Everybody’s shooting everybody.

Outside the lab, Smith says that there are many planets with life on them. Smith’s craft uses magnetism for fuel. That’s why they had to land and stop the experiments. He landed to help us Earthlings. Laird’s experiments are ruining life on earth and our atmosphere, which affects other planets.

A soldier tells them Gerald has been shot. Laird is going to run the machine so they rush the lab but can’t get in.

Laird is inside humming as he starts the machine.

Outside, Jimmy asks Smith for help.

Smith says they have to decide between their planet and one man’s life. Jimmy says there’s no decision. Smith says it’s a simple decision for earthlings; but it would be a harder decision for the aliens. Interesting.

Smith makes them promise not to rebuild the machine if he blows it up. They promise. Smith makes sure everyone’s far from the lab, then he pulls out a little box, hits a button and says "now we must wait."

A spaceship appears, then the lab blows up. The ship lands and Smith says goodbye. Michelle says "will you come back?" Smith says "who knows." Then he gets into the ship and takes off.

The end. Nice ending, actually. Ambiguous.

Well, a nice scene with the Bum and some good acting by Michelle and the Little Girl are offset by bad dubbing, some dreadfully boring performances and cheesy special effects.

Would this film be more enjoyable with a clean, widescreen DVD transfer, like The Crawling Eye received?

I don’t think so. But Smith might say, "Who knows?"

Thanks, Jeff.  Definitely, as a sci-fi monster flick, Cosmic Monsters is no Crawling Eye... but it's no Plan Nine, either.  Rather, it's a slow-moving, talky flick that has some pretty awful special effects, a few truly scary moments, and a nice plot twist in the form of an intelligent and humane visitor from another world.  All in all, a flick that's worth a look and one that probably would be better regarded if it got the first-class DVD treatment that Crawling Eye received.  We can only wait and see if that happens.     

Article copyright © Jeff Beres

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