By CRYSTAL GUILLORY

This all started on particularly sultry day when I got a message from Renfield concerning my next (painful) assignment. In a rather cryptic tone, he stated that this movie had a "hot" central character.

Yeah, right!  It turned out to be that schlocky flick from 1972, The Cremators.

As you all know readers, I have been had too many times by these cryptic but ultimately misleading hints about my future assignment. A few months ago, I would have been happily waiting for a movie starring Ewan McGregor or perhaps even Liam Neeson only to be disappointed the moment I opened the cobweb- covered package. Nope, I have finally learned my lesson in such matters.

While I was waiting for the DVD to arrive, I decided to do some research on this feature. For starters, I discovered that it was directed and produced by Harry Essex, whose name should be familiar to many Monster Boomers. For starters, Essex wrote the screenplays for It Came from Outer Space, Man Made Monster, and a little-known film entitled, Creature From The Black Lagoon.

This movie was based on a short story by Judy Ditky and I'm not sure if I can find this in the Norton anthology of literature. However, the most interesting bit of background information is about the female lead and her ties to a film set in a galaxy far, far away. The female lead, Maria De Aragon, was cast in an unbilled part as the ill fated "Greedo" in Star Wars: a New Hope (or just plain Star Wars as it was known upon its first release). Gee, I wonder how she feels about her character shooting first in the CGI-enhanced special edition?

Ah, well, no sense getting my brain overheated trying to think of that. I sat in my comfy chair with a glass of ice tea as I prepared to watch this movie. As the film opens we are shown shots of space so I begin to hope that this DVD was crossed with a DVD of the legendary TV series, Cosmos. Alas, when I heard that narrator's voice (which didn't sound at all like Carl Sagan's voice) that hope was quickly dashed.

The narrator droned on how a flaming star landed on the pIanet 300 years ago and it was only seen by two beings. One of the beings was a young Native American who was running madly away from it because such a thing was a bad omen. Gee, so much for facing this bravely, eh? Unfortunately, the young Native American found out the hard way what a truly bad omen it was and he promptly became dust in the wind.

Centuries later, we see another young fellow running madly along the beach as if he is being chased by something. Is he being chased by the birds? Is he being chased by the credits? We are left to ponder that little mystery as he runs madly (with his cat) along the beach. Along the same beach we encounter the biologist Iane Thorne, who is investigating the bugs of the island. His subject of study changes when he sees a rock glowing in the water. He picks this up and sends this to a friend to analyze.

This means driving into town and chatting with the Sheriff, the mailman, and other people just standing around that afternoon. Soon the mailman is on his appointed rounds but his delivery is fatally interrupted that afternoon. I know the postmen are supposed to deliver the mail through rain, sleet, and snow but I don't think they ever covered the possibility of encounters with a giant fireball from outer space. The postman's dog runs to safety while his owner is turned into a pile of ashes.

The next day, the Sheriff and the medical examiner are at the crime scene, and a brilliant deduction has been made--the mailman was cremated! Wow, I don't think none of Grissom's team on CSI could have arrived at that! Of course they think it was an auto accident causing the death, not even wondering how that explosion could have reduced someone to an ash immediately. This really doesn't matter much to Iane since he still has to get the package delivered somehow.

That train of thought in interrupted by the arrival of Jeanne on the island. Being the scientific stud he is, he shows her his huge...lighthouse. He graciously helps her on the narrow staircase which gives him a nice view up her skirt. (Shame on you, Iane!) He gives her a token of his "affection" by giving her some of the glowing rock he found earlier. Should he have given her something that he hasn't had checked out yet?

In the meanwhile, the running man from earlier, Mason the hippie, arrives with his cat. Apparently, the cat had one helluva case of fatal heartburn so Mason has brought the cat to Iane to see what could be done. Ah, since when did Iane become a vet? Anyway, Iane investigates and discovered that the cat swallowed the glowing stones. At that point he realized he should get his gift back from Jeanne because that really wasn't that good of a gift.

Obviously, Jeanne didn't mind such a thing happening for she and Iane proceed to have a "hot" date. Sheesh, can you imagine what she would have done if he had given her a real diamond? After that the two spend the after-glow in his truck as he is investigating the case of the glowing stones. However the two are being watched from afar.

Meanwhile, a neighbor is stumbling about, minding his own business when he decides to sit down and have a smoke. He begins to strike a match against a glowing rock when the fireball arrived and lit his cigarette along with the rest of his body! Sheesh, I think he wished he had "flicked his Bic" instead. Oh well, we can now say that the smoking habit made an "ash" out of him.

Sometime later, Iane walks along the same path and finds the glowing stone which is close to a suspicious looking pile of ash. He alerts the sheriff and medical examiner, who tell him it used to be a person, but the poor fellow was destroyed by lightning.

Yeah, right...Iane must have realized he needed someone else who could drone on and on so he went to Dr Seppel. Eventually they discover that it radiates when it’s disturbed, as if it could think. Gee, too bad I can't say that for most of the people in the movie.

After hours of investigation, Seppel and Iane sleep, but Iane's rest is disturbed by a horrific but nonsensical type of nightmare. Things became even worse for Iane as he woke up and saw Seppel's hideous pajamas.

Still, Iane can't get over the fact that something very hot is watching him…and its not his girlfriend.

The next day, Iane is discussing old legends with the Sheriff and how it may be the fireball killing the people. The Sheriff begins to scoff at their idea, claiming they sound as daft as Mrs. Lacy, who has seen the lights. Well, guess who they want to talk to now?

Mrs. Lacy talks about the lights but the Sheriff is still not convinced this is the killer. For one thing, he doesn't have a plausible motive on why this would behave the way it does. Well, later Iane theorizes that the fireball could be a mother hunting after her children! So now the fireball comes after those with a piece of the rock…ah…meteor.

This brings us to Jeanne who was given the odd stone earlier in the movie. She's out in a boat on the water so alone and helpless when we hear the ominous music. Alas, she lets out a pitiful scream when she sees the fireball coming slowly towards her. (Oh yes, the killer usually attacks quickly with other actors, but the leads are given time to escape.)

Iane hears her screams over the radio and orders her to throw the stones out of the boat. Goodness, gracious the great ball of fire is coming to her now!

We quickly cut to a hospital where we see that the love interest is alright, but shaken from the experience. Iane is about to go visit Jeanne when he is interrupted by Mason the hippie who tells him he saw the fireball come from the water. He then shuts off the light and claps his hands, revealing glowing dust. After that bit of weirdness, he comforts Jeanne and is determined to get this creature.

Sometime later that day, he claps his hands and shows this to Seppel. Iane is freaked out that many more people could be at the mercy of this fireball, even Jeanne.

While Iane goes off to pick up Jeanne from the hospital, Seppel has a plan for dealing with the creature. Seppel gets out into the water with a load of the glowing stones, and soon the fireball arrives. Seppel gets out his trusty rifle and tries to fire a few rounds into it but (a) he's a lousy shot and (b) the fireball was wearing a bulletproof vest.

This makes Iane very hot under the collar and ready for revenge so he has a plan on getting rid of the creature. Jeanne wants to tag along but he orders her to stay put, which gives her more incentive to follow him. (Iane, don't you know by now girls in these movies do stuff like that?)

Iane rigs a fireball trap using the stones as bait and it works too well for the fireball arrives. Unfortunately, Jeanne is there at the same time! The fireball is about to hit but it gets into the explosive-laden trap he set up, blowing it all over the place. Iane, being the hero he is, shields Jeanne, with his own body staying on top of her as long as the danger is there (heh-heh).

Hours later, the Sheriff and others pull him off of Jeanne (couldn’t be too careful, you know) and commiserate that it was too bad they couldn't learn more about this creature. Oh, besides the fact that it burned people to a crisp? The group leaves the scene, content that the nightmare is over not noticing the two stones still glowing.

Arrrggh! Does this mean that there could have been a sequel to this movie? How in the world can a 74-min movie feel like a four-hour film? If the plot had been any slower, this could have been marketed as an insomnia cure.