Imagine you're a doting father and you have a blonde, mushy faced son whom you want to turn into a teenage rock and film star.  What do you do?  Well, if you're Arch Hall, Sr., you buy some film, hire a low-rent camera and sound crew, find a real tall guy, and set out to make...

By CRYSTAL GUILLORY

Happy New Year HORROR-WOOD readers! This month Renfield gave me the assignment of Eegah, the 1962 Arch Hall, Sr., classic (?) made for the purpose of his son becoming a leading man.

I mean, how could Arch Hall, Jr., not be a leading man with those looks. My first introduction to this bit of celluloid was at a friend's house one night.  We hooted and howled at some of the scenes in this movie, and that was before MST3K riffed on this movie, so, yes. this movie is that easy to make fun of.

The movie opens with a shot of desert flowers in such a deceptive way that one thinks that it is a nature movie. However the blood dripping from the title gives a clue that it is not.  I do have to give credit to Hall, Sr., for the unique way of showing the credits--not that often does a mummy get used for such a thing. Instead of smoke and mirrors we are getting smoke and flowers here in the credits. Why, notice the artsy out-of-focus style he is accomplishing at some point, how daring!

This is the cave where the caveman lives. How he lived for thousands of years past caveman days and why he was never detected before are never explained…just as why Hall, Sr., thought he could make his Cabbage Patch Kid-faced son into a teen idol is never explained.

The movie opens up with a "teenage girl" (yeah, and I am a natural redhead), Roxy Miller (Marilyn Manning) walking out of a boutique one night. She gets into her cute car and so cutely drives to see her not-so-cute boyfriend, Tom (played by Arch Hall, Jr., son of Eegah's director Arch Hall, Sr.) at his workplace. When she arrives at the gas station, they engage in cute banter about her new swimsuit. After she leaves, Tom blathers on and on about his girl and her father, the writer (giving us some background information that we may not need) while he overfills a car’s gas tank.

Aw, gee, what a knee-slapper!

Roxy is driving down the lonely highway on her way to the country club, after all she has a swim suit to show off! All is going well until she hits the brakes in order to avoid hitting the jaywalking caveman (Richard Kiel, who was "Bo(u)nd" for better roles later). After all, we all know how caveman cavemen are quick to sue! Upon seeing the caveman and his huge…club (mind outta the gutter, people) she reacted like any sensible woman would—she fainted. This has got to be one of the oddest "cute meets" in cinematic history.

The caveman then takes his sweet time inspecting the car, probably wondering if there is a key that winds it up in the back. He plays with the horn that awakens Roxy who screams in his face. Well, the caveman thought this was so rude that he was going to smash that tiny car to bits with his club. However Tom comes along with his snazzy car rescuing Roxy who thanks him by screaming in his face (then again, maybe she was screaming at his face).

We then move on to a fancy restaurant where Roxy is trying to make her father, Mr. Robert Miller, (played by Arch Hall, Sr., the director of this movie, although he is billed as William Watters in the credits) and someone else (a family friend maybe? A one-time dinner guest? Who the hell is this guy?) believe her story. The two adults scoff at her story as they are required by (movie) law to do.

 The next day, the trio returns to the scene of the crime, where Mr. Miller is arguing with Roxy about the existence of a caveman. The intellectual debate is interrupted by Tom's discovery of…a caveman footprint! Gee, I wonder what left that? Could it be Eegah? (Hmm, you know what they say about big feet…yes, big sandals.) Upon seeing this find, Roxy reacts as anyone would with this discovery--squeals happily and jump into her boyfriend's arms. The three decide to look at the trail of footprints as a disembodied voice (that sounds very much like Mr. Miller) telling them to watch out for snakes. (Gee, Davy…could it be God?)

Mr. Miller wants Roxy to go back to the car, but she won't hear anything of that since this is "her caveman". Gee, I guess she believes in the "finders keepers" principle? Tom figures out that the caveman went on to the ominous Shadow Mountain (cue music here please) and he must live there. (What I want to know, if the caveman was so close to civilization, why wasn't he discovered beforehand?)

Mr. Miller decides that this would make a great subject for a best-selling book. He declines Tom's gracious offer of a lift in his dune buggy, opting for a helicopter instead. Next thing, we see him leaving in the helicopter, telling them where the credit cards are so they won't use them. Oh, great plan, Mr. Miller!

As the helicopter flies over the mountain, Mr. Miller spies evidence of the fabled wild pack of tanks that roam through the mountains. However, Mr. Miller ignores those tire tracks in order to go after the legendary caveman for a few days. Meanwhile, poor Roxy is so worried about her father out in the desert that she is out at a pool party. Then her boyfriend Tom decides to serenade her with the tune "Vicki" by the poolside, as if this poor girl has not suffered enough! What kind of a loser sings a song about a different girl to his girlfriend, anyway?

The frolicking in interrupted by a phone call from the helicopter company. It seems that they won't be able to pick up her father at the scheduled time, so Roxy will have to pick up her father. Tom literally pledges to help Roxy get her father using his trusty dune buggy. So the next scene we are treated to seeing the young lovers joyriding in the desert. Why, he gets amazing traction from those water-filled tires you know!  The music is blaring as the youngster zoom all over the desert. After some pointless driving, the two arrive at the pre-arranged rendezvous spot with Mr. Miller. Ghostly hands out of nowhere hold up a watch to show us that it is well past the time they were supposed to meet her father. So, instead of Waiting for Godot, we are "waiting for Robert" sans the intellectual dialogue.

Roxy is worried about her father, but Tom thinks that he will see the campfire. I can understand why he can't find them for I couldn’t find the campfire, either. After the two argue about his rifle, they settle down for the night in the desert. To protect them from the
animals, Tom starts singing the insipid song "Valerie".  I may be too harsh on Tom, for the angels are obviously singing backup now. (Oh, can you feel the sarcasm?) Once again Roxy is swooning by these songs about other women--what is with this girl?

The next day, the pair drives off to find her father (again!), when they get to a narrow pass. Roxy wanted to go with Tom, but Tom, being the big strong he-man he is, decided she should stay in the car. So our fearless explorer Tom goes off to face the ferocious stock footage creatures! I mean, we get all kinds of shots of various animals and Tom walking along with his trusty Red Ryder rifle. Didn't his mother tell him he would shoot his eye out with that thing?

Meanwhile, our heroine is sitting in the car, lightly primping. (After all, you don't know who will pick you up in the desert, you know.) Eegah must walk like a cat for she could not hear him coming for her. At the very sight of him, she faints dead away yet again! This makes things very easy for our caveman, for he does not have to club her and drag her by the hair. Then again, could he really get to her hair through all that hairspray? I mean, her hair has barely moved since the start of this movie!

So Eegah takes her and her purse (how considerate of him, don't want some wild gang of coyotes stealing it, you know) over to his cave. I imagine he was hoping that his slobby slacker of a roommate, the Ro-Man, was not going to be there today. (Trivia note: this movie was filmed in the same desert setting as Robot Monster, even using the same cavern but shot from a different angle.)

The unconscious Roxy is brought to Eegah's cave where Robert (Roxy's missing Dad, remember?) is waiting there. It appears that when Robert met up with Eegah earlier, he hurt himself falling on the sand. Gee, if falling on the sand can hurt his collarbone, he should consider getting a bone density test if he gets back to civilization. Robert awakens Roxy and things really start getting weirder and just plain wrong here.

For starters, when Eegah starts manually checking Roxy out (no wonder why she is upset, she probably does not go to second base until the second or third date like a proper girl), her father is telling her to let him? Excuse me? I understand that the reason is so Eegah won't kill them, but what father would allow his daughter to be manhandled like that? My father could be in a full body cast and still kick that caveman's rear.  Ah well, this is not my father but Roxy's, who has weird issues of his own. I even got a little more then weirded out when she is just laying all over her father when Eegah is grabbing her. I mean, what is that all about? Robert advises her to ask for food, telling her to "think of the alternative" when she balks at that idea. So she asks her gracious host for food, and Eegah prepares her meal.

Before he does, so he introduces them to his family--it is the proper thing since he brought this girl home. I can see why she was so nervous--meeting the family is a big deal! Especially when the family is a bunch of long-dead mummies! Eegah talks to his family, and then goes to the "kitchen." Gee, those studio caves are small aren't they? A nourishing meal of meat is served up to his lovely guest, who thanks him by whining about it. How rude!

Through the dinnertime conversation, we find out from Robert that the host's name is Eegah. He has figured that out for the caveman says that a lot. (I really can't buy that explanation, for I use one word a lot and it is definitely not my name!)  Soon enough, Robert requests an after-dinner drink for his daughter. Ah, yes, nothing like a steaming cup of sulfur water to finish off a good meal! Roxy has to fight the urge to gag as she downs the water, just as the audience had to fight the urge to gag with this movie. She gets an idea on how to get out of drinking the water, and so she sensuously asks Eegah if she could see his....drawings. (What did you think I was going to say?)

So Eegah shows her his entire collection of three drawings! Oh come now, don't be critical of the fact that he has only produced three etchings, for it could be that he was only inspired three times. (Need I mention that ripples in the cloth—ah, stone--cave walls may have been difficult to draw on?) Evidently his run in with Roxy is inspirational to him for he makes an etching of it. However, why does her hair appear to be flowing in the wind? Roxy's uber-lacquered hair couldn’t be moved by a tornado!)

It is then that Roxy and her father figure out that Eegah is a throwback to the Stone Age. (Gee, what told them that? His wardrobe of furs? Was it his club? Was it the drawings in his cave? ) Robert then begins to theorize that some of Eegah's family died 100 years ago. Wow, did not know he was an expert on forensics!

Well, Eegah is now trying to accomplish with Roxy what Tom has been trying to do since day one. However, Roxy is a proper girl who won't sleep with any old caveman on the first date. Oddly enough, the camera shows us a rather private moment between two lizards and I have no idea why that scene was left in. We are then treated to a scene of Tom awakening, drinking water, and looking for Roxy. In fact, we have been shown these moments of Tom looking for Roxy between the shots in the cave with Eegah.  

Meanwhile, Eegah has left his guests early that morning to go pick up some items, and Robert sees it as a chance to escape. (Oh how rude, to plan to leave without saying goodbye to your host.) Roxy pours cold water on those plans by reporting that the rock is rolled over the entrance. (All right folks, now things really get weird!) Roxy can tell her father feels bad (gee, was it the coughing that clued you in?) and offers to give him a shave. Right about now I am wondering what kind of issues Mr. Hall must have had.

Eegah shows up at the cave with flowers for Roxy.   Robert advises Roxy to get him distracted so that they could possibly get away, so Roxy starts singing. Now I thought that Eegah would wince in pain and run away screaming but no such luck. In fact, he grabs the razor so Roxy takes this as a hint that he wants a shave, too. So we are treated (?) to the sight of her shaving him and to his tasting the shaving cream with his long tongue.

One thing they must have left out of the script is how Roxy was in beauty school, for how else could she do such a makeover like that on Eegah? I have to admit, she did a good job on him and he has potential. I mean, all he needs is a good tailor and he may be GQ material. It looks to me that Roxy is impressed with her own skills, for she is flirting with him as he is looking in her mirror.

Roxy should not add fuel to the fire, for soon Eegah is pawing her like a drunken frat boy. She tries to distract him with flowers, a scarf, and a ring, but nothing works. It does not help that her father is telling her to "give him something else" while he watches the whole scene. (Excuse me; shouldn't he be kicking some caveman's arse right now?)

Roxy decides to give Eegah one of the buttons off her blouse, which proved to be a dumb, dumb idea. Roxy then reminds Eegah that her father is watching them, so it would not be right to do it there. Eegah decides to solve this by getting rid of her father, but Roxy stops him just in time. Roxy then coos about outside in such a way that would really get his engine going. I hope that girl has some pepper spray in that purse for she will need it!

Needless to say, things get a little intense outside for Roxy. I have to wonder if Arch Hall, Sr., was going for a modern bodice ripper for Roxy gives Eegah this look of longing at one point. The moment is interrupted by Robert walking out of the cave, which enrages Eegah to the point where he knocks down Roxy. To show that he is an equal opportunity brute, he knocks down Robert as well. (Okay, up to this point I was sorta rooting for Eegah to wind up with Roxy. But let's look at it logically. He is older (much older) and has no family, no mother-in-law for Roxy, and they have nothing in common. Once he got his makeover he showed definite potential, ‘til now.)

Even though Tom has been roaming in the same area for a seemingly endless time, now he hears Roxy scream. Tom arrives on the scene and, in true heroic fashion, shoots above Eegah's head. Eegah nonchalantly picks up Roxy and walks away, possibly looking for a more private place. Tom, in the meantime, gracefully (yeah, right) runs down a hill and rescues Robert. He sends the injured Robert toward the dune buggy while he goes to rescue Roxy. Hmmm, guess Robert won't mind riding in that dune buggy now, eh?

After some running around, Tom meets up with Eegah who breaks his cherished rifle. Why, that made Tom even madder, so he punches Eegah, who remained standing. Tom tries again but to no avail, Eegah is still standing. Eegah then pimp slaps Tom, who falls to the ground for a moment. It’s not long enough for the audience to enjoy, though, for soon he gets up and throws a rock. Well, as we all know from Sunday school, giants of any kind can't take having rocks thrown at them and so Eegah falls hard. Tom and Roxy run away, leaving behind a bleeding Eegah.

However, hell hath no fury as a caveman scorned, so he takes off after the two. Even though he is far away, we all know how slower beings (zombies, mummies, aliens etc.) can catch up to people in these films. Tom and Roxy meet up with Robert, who is in the dune buggy and trying to start it up. However, Tom disabled it so that the lizard gangs of the desert won't steal his buggy. Just then, they are in a chase, with the caveman magically behind them. A few moments later, it looks like he is gaining on them and all looks lost. However, they manage to get away, thanks to Tom's driving and water-filled tires. I can't help but notice the pained look on Roxy’s face as she is seeing Eegah on the cliff. Could she feel some sort of longing for him? This fellow nearly ravished her and almost killed her father, and yet she cares what happens to him. (This would be a definite case for Dr. Phil's therapy skills.)

Eegah is not one to give up so easily, for he walks off to the city. Why he has not done this before I have no clue, but should we be thinking of this now? Using the scarf she gave him, he is able to track down her scent through the city although a pretty mannequin distracts him. I wonder if Roxy would be upset if she saw that.

Meanwhile, Roxy is having a private moment with her father, engaging in banter about the tie she gave him. Wow, Frasier does not have witty conversation like this. Her father wants her to go out tonight to the party for the gang will be there (gee, will it be the Crips or the Bloods?).  They agree not to talk about the caveman to anyone lest he be discovered. Just then Tom arrives and says something that any woman would turn to jelly hearing: "Wow-zee-wow-wow."

The three leave shortly, barely missing Eegah's arrival at the home by a few minutes. Gee, I think he should have called first. Then we see different scenes of Eegah grabbing meat at a buffet (it is all you can eat!) and shoving people in a pool. Needless to say, the hilarious hijinks are hopping now. Meanwhile at the happening party (where teens and their parents go), Roxy talks to Tom about her feelings about the caveman. The two share a tender moment (yeah, right) but a bleeding sax interrupts it.

Eegah, meanwhile, is continuing his lame rampage trying to find Roxy. Fortunately, the police there are trained to handle cavemen disturbances, because they get right on the job of tracking down Eegah. The scene changes to the party, where a perked up Roxy burns up the dance floor with her dancing. Gee, being trapped by a caveman can do wonders for your ego, eh? Tom is playing guitar, but hands it over to a band member sitting on the sides so he can dance with his girl. The other guitarist is playing, but decides he wants a dance with Roxy as well so he hands the guitar to the next guy

Roxy is having a high ol' time dancing with both fellows, but she ends up with Tom. This enrages the other fellow who decks Tom and the two have a minor tiff. However, a third fellow shows up to compete for Roxy's hand, ol' Eegah himself. Tom tries to confront the caveman but is pushed away into the crowd. Roxy is then picked up by the caveman, screaming as he does so. (Gee, this girl is fickle.)

Just then the police show up, and she winds up on the ground again. Eegah then becomes armed with a pool ladder, forcing the police to open fire. Poor Eegah is deep-sixed and the pool will require a thorough cleaning.

In a voice-over, we hear people asking if Eegah was real. Then we hear Robert quote something from Genesis as the movie ends. Or was that to be the end for our favorite prehistoric caveman? There was talk that Arch Hall, Sr., was talking to Kiel about making a sequel to the successful (go figure…it was successful) Eegah.

This, of course, was an attempt to bank on the popularity of Kiel's Bond villain "Jaws," though.  Now, how would that movie had turned out if it would have been made? Would Eegah been chasing after another girl? Would he have won the girl? Would he form a dating service to fix up lonely cavemen with modern girls? The possibilities boggle the mind here.

Then again, maybe my mind is just plain boggled.

So there you have it fans, the first cheesy movie I get to cover for 2003! Why do I have the feeling it will only go downhill from here?

Thanks, Crystal!  Hey, here's a funny story about the making of Eegah: It seems Arch Hall, Sr., was too cheap to pay folks to film on their property so he just sneaked in and cranked away.  On a desert location, a mild mannered man approached the film crew and said he was the property owner and gave them permission to shoot.  He also mentioned he had been in the movies.   It was only later that the crew realized that the man was--Harpo Marx!

Article copyright © Crystal Guillory

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