By CRYSTAL GUILLORY

I think my editor must be on some sort of Seventies kick, for he has me reviewing another film of that era: 1972’s Frogs.

Fortunately, this was a movie I had vague memories of having seen it (or parts of) on a UHF station (remember those?) back when I was a small creature. It was one of those ecological horror movies that seemed to be the dominant theme for a few years. Films that warned us to stop our ways before the environment is destroyed and attacks us.

This is known for being one of the worst "Nature gone amuck" films from that time. Of course, having the legendary Fran Lebowitz refer to this movie as "the best bad movie she has ever seen in her life" can only add to its infamous reputation. Let's not forget this was produced under the watchful eye of Samuel Z. Arkoff of American International Pictures who has helmed many great cheesy (and some not so cheesy) films through the years.

There is some fun background information that I can provide about this movie as well. The biggest thing is that over 500 Florida frogs and 100 giant South American toads escaped into the Florida swamp during the making of this movie. I do have to wonder what that has done for the environment of that region to have all those critters there.

There is the bit of trivia that the local hotel refused to have some of the more exotic members of the cast (such as the poisonous snakes, spiders and scorpions)  on the grounds. Gee, I wonder if that has anything to do with the fact that the film crew let so many critters escape! Not to mention the fact that one of the stars of this film was the legendary Ray Milland  (The Man With The X-Ray Eyes, Panic In The Year Zero, The Thing With Two Heads) who chewed the scenery quite effectively as the "Big Daddy" (Oh, go read some Tennessee Williams sometime!) of the ugly rich Crockett family.

Also making debuts in this feature is the lovely Joan Van Ark (she of Knots Landing and Dallas fame) and a very young Sam Elliot (The Legacy).

Before I go into the movie I want to explore a notion of the frog’s place in the sci-fi/fantasy horror universe a bit. (Okay, I really want to use up some space since there's not that much to the plot but don't tell my editor that!) For many of us, the earliest scary story involving frogs is the classic biblical tale about such a plague. Now why am I risking bringing up such a topic in this article? Let's face it, without such a story Dr. Phibes wouldn't have created that elegant but oh so deadly frog mask.

Let's not forget about the terrible toad, Baron Silas Greenback, who was always planning on taking over the world. Luckily for the world, the superhero secret agent, Danger Mouse, and his hapless assistant, Penfold, (codenamed Jigsaw for he goes to pieces) thwarted his move at every opportunity. While we have the megalomaniac toad in Danger Mouse, let's not forget about the silly motor car-obsessed "Mr. Toad" in the classic Wind In The Willows novel. I can only imagine what Mr. Toad would think of hybrid cars!

Horror host fans of the Ohio area have fond memories of the co-host/nemesis of "The Ghoul", Froggy. How many fans stayed up late on weekend nights to see the host abuse the plastic frog in so many ways? I could give a brief mention to Hell Comes To Frogtown, which stars the wrestler-thespian Roddy Piper as the lead…but I’d rather not.

Right about now I think its time I hop to it and talk about the plot (such as it is) itself.

A ruggedly handsome photographer, Pickett Smith, canoeing along a lovely bayou. Well, it would be lovelier if it weren't for all the garbage around! (Why do I have an odd flashback of some old commercial involving a weepy Native American?) The peaceful scene is soon ruined by the noise pollution caused by a speedboat piloted by the very drunk Clint Crockett. His very blonde and pretty sister Karen, who is playing the role of enabler that day, accompanies him. (Um, I so would have taken his keys away for being that drunk but things were different then.)

Unfortunately Crockett and Smith have a collision of wackiness (well…maybe it wasn't so wacky) at the start of the film. Yes Karen was upset at the wreck, but quickly got over it when she got a good look at the ruggedly handsome photographer.  (Yes, I made that point before, but it is so true!) Clint and Karen offer to make amends to the stranger by taking him over to Crockett estate on the  island for lunch. Smith would have normally turned down the offer but he couldn't say no to a blonde in a yellow onesie, could he?

While on his way to change into dry clothes he meets the various members of the dysfunctional brood. He meets the ditzy butterfly collecting Iris and her husband (Jason Crockett's Yes Man) Stuart, their sons Michael and Ken (who brought his super foxy African-American girlfriend, Bella, to the gathering, much to the family's disapproval), Clint's unhappy wife Jenny and their two bratty spawn.

Oh yes, should also mention that he meets the lord of the manor, the uber tyrannical Jason Crockett, who is not all that happy about the stranger in their midst. It appears that Smith has crashed the all important-highly mandatory July 4th/multi birthday celebration that has been going on for years (ironic, since it was Clint's crashing into him that caused him to join  the private affair). Pickett wants to report to his editor, so he tries to use the phone…but it was dead (cue the dramatic music here please)! No worries, Pickett was about to pull his cell phone out until he realized that such things were not invented yet.

While everyone is relaxing and brown-nosing Jason Crockett, the talk turns to the unusual amount of frogs and other creatures around. Mr. Crockett would be very happy to get rid of the creatures so he asks Pickett for his advice on such matters since Pickett's the nature expert. Well, Pickett believes that man and nature should live together, so I think you can guess how the family reacts to that. Anyway Mr. Crockett invites Pickett to check out the island to see if he could give him any ideas about dealing with nature, as well as to see where his flunky Grover is.

Sometime later, Pickett is taking a nice little stroll on the island that would have been a bit nicer if he didn't have to watch out about stepping on dead critters. Unfortunately, he discovers one big critter that is impossible to step over, and that would be the aforementioned Grover who was the victim of the creature's hit job! (I should really say "bit" job since it was snakebite that did him in!)

Needless to say, he goes back to Jason with the news, interrupting a lovely gripe fest on ecological regulations the family business has to install. Pickett gives the bad news to Jason, who's a little miffed that his flunky had to die like that (we all know how good flunkies are so hard to find!). Jason wants to keep a lid on the bad news since that would be a real downer on the festivities.

The bonding moment is interrupted by a piercing scream from the dining room--someone was dangling a snake over the maid's head! Lucky for the partygoers, the butler was an expert shot, getting rid of the pesky nuisance so that old man Crockett can enjoy his
old fashioned.

Hours later, Pickett is enjoying a moment by himself when the pretty and blonde Karen comes to join him. This film is amazing in that it has a sensitive photographer for a romantic lead years before Bridges Of Madison County was even written…not that I know that much about the book. Anyway, the two have the obligatory subtle flirting going on before going off to separate rooms (this was only a PG-rated feature, ya know!) for the night.

The next morning, the wild festivities (such as croquet and king of the log) are underway while everyone continues their genuflecting in front of the patriarch, Crockett. The dead phone line is still a cause for concern, so Pickett and Michael go to check it out. Michael decides to drive, and it’s such a gorgeous day, he forgets about his mission to find out about the reason for the dead phone lines and goes hunting, instead. Alas, some poor bird is the victim of this plan, but karma pays him back as he shoots himself in the leg while walking! Soon we see a pack of spiders spin a such a huge web over the fellow you can imagine the huge spider from Return Of The King getting very jealous over such skill.

Meanwhile, the madcap festivities are underway at the Crockett estate where the family is wearing forced smiles while participating in silly games. Ken has enough of it and decides to get some flowers from the greenhouse…that proves to be his undoing. Yep, while
he's cutting some living things some literate lizards (how else would they know that some of the bottles they knocked down was poison?). Yep, these crafty buggers employ some chemical warfare on Ken and crawl over him while wearing their tiny gas masks (How else
were they to survive that attack?).

Iris, is busily planning activities for the party when she spies a lovely butterfly begging to be captured. Unfortunately, she discovers that butterflies aren't really that free for she is led into an area with frogs! Well, this freaks her out a bit so she runs somewhere else only to encounter stock footage of snakes! Such a sight makes the poor ditzy dear spazz out to the point where she gets lots in the woods, and winds up in a little pond covered by leeches! Okay, now she's really upset for these buggers ruined her party dress and caused her to miss out on that prize capture! Well, her little tiff ends when a nearby rattler puts her out of our misery (and ours for her death scene was too long!).

Stuart decides to go looking for his ditzy wife but finds an group of alligators instead, so you can guess what happens there.

Meanwhile, Pickett begins to notice something is going wrong here. Perhaps the clue that family members are dropping like...ah…flies have anything to do with it? Pickett and Bella discover Ken's corpse, which upsets the foxy one greatly. I mean, straight fashion photographers are so hard to find!

Pickett has a meeting with the surviving members of the family and tells them that something must be going on. After all, why haven't they seen anyone else boating in the waters? (Yes, its private property, but work with me here!) Pickett finally agrees with old man Crockett in a sense…he thinks that nature is revolting! Pickett then spills the beans about Grover and thinks that the missing family members are pushing up the daisies as well. He thinks that the festivities should be halted since an apparent war on mankind is going on, but old man Crockett won't hear of such nonsense. Damn the frogs, full speed ahead!

Well, Bella has a diva fit and demands to leave, taking the two servants with her (she's gotta have an entourage, you know). Clint is volunteered to bring them to the mainland, but is ordered to hurry back for the fun.

Well, as you can guess, ol' Clint doesn't make it back for the star spangled cake, since a group of birds (homage or rip-off, you decide) and water snakes foil that plan.

Clint's wife, Jenny, must have wanted to make sure her lousy drunk of a husband was really gone, so she investigates a little too closely. Alas, some snapping turtle that probably wish he had a little bit of sherry thought she made fine human soup! Am I the only one who thinks this is the type of body count that could make some homicidal fiend in a hockey mask jealous?

Right about now Pickett, Karen and the bratty spawn (now orphans) realize that the party is really over and want to bail. Nothing doing, for Old man Pickett is a stubborn fool who will let nothing get in the way of his birthday…not even an apocalypse! Yep, Pickett's
gonna stay there...sulking over the whole thing!

Karen, the kids, and Pickett high tail it over to the canoe so they could make their getaway. Of course, they have to have a last minute struggle with nature, which forces the hunky Pickett to have his shirt off. Yes, I did enjoy that eye candy but this movie so has to end!

They did make it to the mainland where some nice soccer mom (were they known as soccer moms back in the Seventies...never mind) and her kids pick up the group. The mom chats endlessly about how Pickett and company were the only people she has seen since coming back from picking up her kids from camp. She even happily shows them the huge new croaking friend her son acquired back at the camp, much to Pickett and company's horror! (Now, why didn't the filmmakers get the rights to play Jim Stafford's "Spiders and Snakes"?)

Later on that night, old man Crockett is drinking himself into a stupor while rocking out to some Sousa tunes on the estate. Alas, a group of rowdy amphibians decide to crash the old man's party, causing quite a ruckus, indeed! The terrible toads (and frogs for that matter) gang up on the old man scaring him to death.  While this wasn't a happy ending it certainly was a hoppy one (Oh like none of you were going to make that pun). The credits roll and we finally see the frog (a cartoon one ) from the movie poster swallow that hand he has been carrying in his mouth for so long.

Which makes me wonder--why did the filmmakers choose frogs as the central focus of this movie? If anything, the frogs were the Mafia bosses ordering nature to do the hit jobs on the pathetic humans in its path. Why, a movie about killer frogs makes as much sense of huge killer rabbits! Oops, someone already made a movie about that.