(Bela Lugosi Christmas greeting by Sorko.)

"...Now you are faced with the stress of buying a gift for a total and complete stranger, one who can and will pass judgment on you. Isn't that a terrifying concept?..."

For several Yuletide seasons now, our own Crystal Guillory has come to the rescue of all you bewildered gift buyers with her own suggestions for real ghoul gifts.  Well, this holiday season, she's...done it again, as you'll discover as you peruse...

By CRYSTAL GUILLORY

Ah,  to be in love at Christmas time! A truly magical time when you and the significant other stroll through holiday displays hand in hand. The lights seem to blink happily along with the music as you bask in the glow of holiday love.

Then comes the news that your true love's family wants to meet you during the holidays, which makes you a little nervous. Then you break out in a cold sweat and hives at the news that you have been invited to pull a name of one of his family members to give them a gift (a long standing tradition in that family). While you sigh knowing that some well-meaning family member will give you socks or some other safe and boring gift, a sudden terror grips your heart.  You don't dare be boring! Your gift will say everything about you to you loved one's family!

You have to figure out what to get for the family member whose name you pulled for. Beads of cold sweat begin to appear on your head as you stress over the possibilities, after all, family members and close friends are hard enough to shop for. Now you are faced with the stress of buying a gift for a total and complete stranger, one who can and will pass judgment on you. Isn't that a terrifying concept?

Have you gotten into the Christmas spirit yet?

To be helpful the significant other tells you about the members of his family. The significant other wisely hides the urge to roll the eyes as you feverishly take notes on each of these people.

The first one that is described is the father, Ken. Ken is a practical man who works in the engineering field and has very little time for recreational activities. A useful piece of information that is tossed your way is the fact that has just acquired a new DVD player and is slowly building up a DVD collection.

The next person in the family to consider is the mother, Shirley. She is a grade school teacher who has collected various things and the significant other has no idea what she is collecting now. You are about to hyperventilate from the stress, but your sweetie then remembers that she is interested in folk tales and folklore from different lands.

Your dearest then begins to talk about the sister, Jenny. Jenny sounds like an interesting person to you, for she is in school studying filmmaking. So she tends to read books about different films and how they were made. She also has an extensive movie poster collection which she has kept since she was a young girl. She has collected so many you get the impression she could pay part of her tuition if she sold some of the on EBAY. She still collects posters of different types of movies so this information is of help.

Then you notice your sweetie taking a slight sigh before going on about the next topic, the brother Tom. It does not help matters that the significant other has no clue about the brother's likes or dislikes by now. Your sweetie only knows that sometimes the brother has problems with being on time due to a faulty clock in his apartment. Tom knows that his clock is dying a slow and painful death, but he does not bother to replace it now. You smile, knowing that this is a good clue should you pull that name.

Your significant other then talks about the grandparents, Jane and Mark, who live not too far away from the family. They have just moved into a lovely little home and are  now spending time renovating the house. They are forever picking up (more likely she is picking up) interesting objects to put in their new garden. They also do some traveling in a RV on some weekends and listen to books on CD or audio tape in order to pass the time away.

Your sweetie taps you on the shoulder to make sure you are still awake for there is a glassy look to your eyes. Your head is swimming with all this information as you try to figure out what to get for the person whose name you draw. The significant other then makes a comment that you look like someone in the movie Scanners right before their head exploded.

Realizing that indeed it would be rude to have your head explode on your date with the significant other, you calm down and explore your options. You then know you have to act soon for before you know it there will be the familiar sign of the oncoming holidays...yup, the little character sledding on a razor.

You take a few shots of your favorite liquid to calm down and then decide to work on your game plan. You then decide to make the wisest move, to go to the Internet for answers. After a few bleary hours you have the answers to your needs and you don't feel quite as stressed out as you did a few hours ago.

Let's look at the case of the father, you were given a valuable clue in a bit of information that was tossed to you. This man has become one of the many, the proud, the DVD owners! This man is so needing to get quality movies for his collection, and what better place for that than to go to Creepy Classics. The good people who sponsor the Monster Bash have a kick-ass collection. This place would make a good Website to visit when getting gifts for that DVD fan in mind.

It may seem that the mother is a challenge, but not to the resilient shopper on the web. While you may not know about her current thing that she is collecting, you do know one important thing about her that will help you. You do know that she collects folk stories and folklore stories, and the best source for that on the Web is from Patient Creatures, a group that tells different types of folk tales to audiences far and near. As long as you are on that page, you may want to consider getting that book for someone as well. You may also find a t-shirt collector in your family that would love a Carpathian shirt for the holiday, but I digress.

The sister of your significant other is a relatively easy person to shop for right now. You discover the book Reel Horror, The Real Horror Behind Hollywood Horror Films, offered by Aplomb Publishing, which looks like it will be an interesting book. As you search you see many places that do offer movie posters to buy, but the place that catches your eye (and gives it back to you later) is the Monster Mania Website which sells quite a few interesting movie posters.

This is also the place where you can purchase a clock for Tom should you pull his name in the name pull ceremony. No doubt the image of Christopher Lee's Dracula or any of the designs will scare him into getting to places on time! The Monster Mania website is also a great website to get different kinds of gifts and cool stuff for many people on your list, check it out!

Now for the grandparents who look for interesting art forms to put in their garden, what better thing to give them but a traditional gargoyle? The gargoyles on Sandra Lira, Sculptor are terrifying things of beauty that could have graced the outside of a cathedral in the Middle Ages.

However, if you think such a gift might scare them and cause problems for your significant other to stay in their good graces (and their will) you may want to give them anything from the Atlanta Radio Theatre Company, which has a variety of performances on tape which can be purchased. This group has also performed live at the massive media convention, Dragon Con,  for a number of years.

So the time has come to draw names from the hat with the family, but instead of blind fear you feel good and calm. You look at the name and your mood changes, for it is the name of...

Aunt Harriet whom no one has spoken to for decades. After you recover from your faint, you then decide to go back to the drawing board. Happy Holidays everyone!

(Crystal Guillory is vice-president of the New Orleans Worst Film Festival.  Click here to read more about it.  You can contact Crystal personally here.)

Thanks, Crystal, for those oh-so-helpful holiday gift buying hints.  Ummm...you didn't draw my name from the HORROR-WOOD gift pool did you?  No?  Phew!  Lucked out again...

Article copyright © Crystal Guillory

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