|
(Bela Lugosi Christmas greeting by Sorko) "...a crowded suburban shopping mall with stressed-out shoppers wandering around like zombies and children screaming like banshees gives me the chills every time..." |
Sometimes, Christmas shopping can take the fun out of Christmas. But, if you shop like Crystal, you can have fun and find lots of...
By CRYSTAL GUILLORY There are some that say that Halloween is the scariest time of the year, but I beg to differ. I say a crowded suburban shopping mall with stressed-out shoppers wandering around like zombies and children screaming like banshees gives me the chills every time. What makes that prospect even scarier is when it is close to the holidays and one still has a few people on the list. So a person has to possibly brave the mall of horrors to get gifts for the remaining people on the gift list. However, thanks to the Internet, the days of going to the mall may be behind us with all of the diverse items offered for sale via the Web. I will point out a few gift suggestions of those to you that can be of good use to you. Yeah, you can thank me later. (Just click on the underlined links to start shopping.)
The first on your list is, say, Aunt Marion, a lady who is savvy on film festivals all around the country. She would go to more but she can rarely find someone to watch her five cats. So the ideal gift for Aunt Marion is the New Orleans Worst Film Festival 9 tee shirt. This is from a film festival you can read about here, and what cat lover would not fall in love with the adorable kitty on the front? Her husband, Jimmy, is a person who collects pop culture memorabilia. He lived in new Orleans and tells tales about watching Morgus on Saturday nights after going to the drive-in. So the ideal gifts for this man would be Morgus the Magnificent's first CD "Hearse-ry Rhymes," a distinctive reading of rhymes with a ghoulish twist. Or, to really bring back memories you can give him the video After Sunset, a history of drive-ins. However, be prepared to hear more stories about a different time after giving him this.
Their son, Peter, collects every kind of card he can. The young man spends his allowance at the local comics/card shop when a new shipment comes in. Much to the chagrin of his mother, Pete is also into wrestling. He collects the figures and any other merchandise that he can get his hands on. To appease both at Christmas you can give Pete a card set of the original actor-wrestler: Tor Johnson as well as a tee shirt of a Mexican wrestler. This should make mother and son happy with your gift.
Then comes the co-worker whose name you pulled at the office, named Fang. Not much is known about him except that he has a weird sense of humor and his wardrobe consists of jeans and rock-group t-shirts. Gathering up that much information on him, it would be safe to get him the tee shirt of the hardest-working mad scientists in show business: "The Consortium of Genius." Add in their CD and you just may have a friend for life...or so you hope.
So now the holidays will come and you'll gather with your family for a wonderful gathering. All is going well, everyone is having a great time. In fact they are having such a great time that they don't want to leave. Whatever is a gracious host to do? It would be in bad form to just throw out your guests, so allow me to suggest an idea. Have everyone gather around the television, saying that you have a special holiday presentation for them. So they gather about, expecting to see The Nutcracker, It's A Wonderful Life, or A Christmas Story. However, what they get instead is Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (which you can get from Creepy Classics Video). After seeing a few minutes of this deranged holiday tale with a little Pia Zadora and annoying Martians as well a bizarre Santa they will come up with headaches, early meetings and other reasons to leave early. Then, they all leave, giving you the best gift of all: A silent night... Happy Holidays everyone!
And happy holidays to you, Crystal! Swell gift ideas! Er...you didn't pull my name from the HORROR-WOOD gift pool by any chance? Just wondering... Article copyright Crystal Guillory |
