Some Fifties teen films are filled with bikers and tough girl debs and switchblade fights...and some are filled with teenaged werewolves and Frankenstein monsters...but none of them could match the teen film that featured...

By CRYSTAL GUILLORY

Hi again, HORROR-WOOD readers! This month I am going to give a review of the classic B-movie from 1959, The Giant Gila Monster (ahhh you thought I was gonna review Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon?).

This flick is brought to you by the same people responsible for The Killer Shrews (yes it is normal to get that sick feeling of foreboding in your stomach at this moment). The same geniuses who used dogs in funny masks for The Killer Shrews continued the tradition with having a regular-sized lizard walk around a model train set. Hmmm, pity the poor kid who had to give up his train set for all the times they were filming this turkey.

For starters I have some problems giving this movie some of the flippant smart-ass treatment I have given to movies in the past. For one thing I can't quite stomach the film's comical treatment of drunk driving. Yes, I am looking at a film made in less enlightened times but it still disturbs me. I would think a member of MADD would have issues with this film.

Another problem I have with writing this article is that I like the main character, Chase Winstead. This is a likable fellow, a hard-working mechanic that takes care of his widowed mother and physically challenged sister. Except for the fact that he is a mechanic, I can relate to his situation. This is a fellow who put off buying a headlight for his car so that he could put down a down payment for his sister's leg brace. Chase is an upstanding fellow who is a good influence on his peers, getting them to follow speed limits and not to take unnecessary chances. Chase is the type of fellow I would not mind dating myself if I were available and he were not fictitious.

However there is something about Chase that does get to me (the wrong way)--the lame songs he sings. In the age of Elvis and other cool music, why in hell would a fellow his age pick up a ukulele to sing a song? No offense to Tiny Tim fans and others who like the instrument, but this screams total geekhood for me. I really should not be too harsh though, for these songs are a little better than most of the Top 40 drivel being played today.

Why, I even imagine that silly little tune Chase played on the ukulele could be changed into a modern tune by having a boys band sing it in harmony. Gee, I can hear hordes of midriff-flashing teen girls screaming along to this song (or maybe just plain screaming) right now. I better stop this line of thinking before I give some record executive an idea for the next trash hit.

I've wandered around the edges of this movie long enough,  so let's get to the all important plot line. Like with The Killer Shrews, this movie begins with a narrator talking about the Gila monster and how big it can be. Better listen to that narration for it will be a major plot point like it was in The Killer Shrews. Then we see the opening titles while hearing some of the cheesiest rock music ever played.  I mean, my eardrums were starting to bleed at that moment. We then are shown a pair of young lovers snuggling cheek to cheek in a car, but they are soon interrupted. No, not by kindly old Sheriff Jeff or a parent--but by the Gila monster! Strange how the area around the Gila monster looks like a toy train set. A huge paw comes down and that is it for the pair of young lovers. I gotta admit I was humming the "Liberty Bell March" at that moment (go rent Monty Python's Flying Circus if you don't get the joke)

Then we see the scene change to a soda shop across town, where a group of friends arranged to meet before going to the drive-in that night. All the couples arrive one by one for the festivities of the night and they are all asking about a couple that was supposed to meet up with them. Hmmm, I wonder if it so happens to be that couple that became Giant Gila chow? Just then the town drunk, ahhhh, Mr. Harris,   arrives at the soda shop. Chase, the hero, makes an offer for Harris' car which Harris refuses. I guess Chase wants to buy the car before Harris wraps it around a tree. The group then decide to go off to the drive in, hoping to meet their friends there.

Later on, Sheriff Jeff (the only law enforcement figure for miles, it seems) has a meeting with Mr. (Big) Wheeler, the town's richest man. Mr. Wheeler is upset that his son did not come home last night. Rather than being concerned about whether his son is all right, he seems more upset about the idea that his son eloped with his girlfriend. Mr. Wheeler then blames Chase for those two eloping, saying that Chase is a bad influence on his son. Sheriff Jeff then defends Chase, explaining that he is a young man taking care of his widowed mother and sister. Oh man, we all know how those responsible types are such trouble! Sheriff Jeff then begins the search for the young couple in the rural Texas town.

While the sheriff is trying to figure out what became of the young lovers, a certain lizard is wreaking havoc on the highways. It is soooo obvious that this is a regular-sized lizard on a model railroad, but that must not have concerned the director in any way. Chase and the sheriff find themselves investigating other mysterious happenings involving cars and missing people. Meanwhile no one notices a huge Gila monster nearly breathing down their necks.

While out one day, Chase finds a drunken fellow who has gotten in a wreck (gee, amazing that happened). The drunken fellow slurs on about seeing something with stripes that ran him off the road. After some comic moments with the drunk trying to get back on the road, he realizes that he can't and goes back to Chase's. The next morning him and his hangover are greeted with Chase banging on some car parts while singing "My Baby, She Rocks" fairly loudly (Hmmm I wonder if this could be covered by NSYNC?) .

I am surprised this fellow did not kill Chase for being so cheery in the morning. This fellow then gives Chase his business card and $40 for the work done. Chase then looks at the card and realizes it is none other than "Steamroller Smith", his favorite DJ (and I think the only DJ in that region).

Meanwhile, the Sheriff is having problems with Mr. Wheeler on his back about finding his missing son. So kindly Sheriff Jeff contacts Scooby and the gang...ahhh...Chase and his gang to help in the search. The fearless troupe search all throughout the county, but then they searched this ravine near a reservoir. While Chase and Lisa are searching through the wooded area for young Wheeler's car, they stop for a brief romantic kiss. All the while, the Gila Monster is looming over them like a chaperone at a Catholic high school dance. I want to know, why is it that this huge thing is invisible to these people? The moment is interrupted by the shout that the car has been found, so Chase gets his rig to pull up the car to bring it to the Sheriff.

Chase tows the car for the Sheriff and they investigate the damage. The Sheriff is discouraged to discover that there is no sign of the boy and girl. He points out that he should have been called in so that he could have combed the area for clues. So the mystery is back at square one.

Chase then goes back to his house where he playfully tackles his mother before coming to greet his little sister. It was then he got a pleasant surprise, for she was wearing the leg  braces that Chase was working so hard to pay for. Chase's French girlfriend, Lisa, bought the leg braces for Missy so that she could walk again. We are then treated to a heartwarming scene when little Missy takes her first steps in the braces. I have to admit I got a little choked up at that scene. However, the warm cozy feeling I just had turned to revulsion when Chase picked up the ukulele and sang "The Mushroom Song."

Listening to the lyrics I had to wonder if the songwriter had ingested some special mushrooms as well. Why torture that poor little girl with that song, Chase? For that matter, why torture us?

All is well for Chase but that changes when the phone rings, and it is the Sheriff. It seems that a oil tanker was found wrecked just outside of town, and Chase's boss was driving a oil tanker that afternoon. Chase and the Sheriff investigate the site, there is no sign of Chase's boss but there are more of the strange skid marks on the road. It is then that the Sheriff gives Chase information that a few cows have been missing here and there. Hmmm, that would have been a case for Mulder and Scully had they been around back then, wouldn't it? The sheriff openly wonders what thing can bat a car around like a toy.  Gee...maybe something really big?

While the kids are getting ready for the Sock Hop, Mr. Harris is driving down the road. It seems that he has the company of his Old Granddad with him, or could it could have been Jim Beam or Jack Daniels? He is merrily singing away and decides to race the on coming train. What should have been a tragedy is merely a comic bit as Mr. Harris narrowly misses the train. Gee, thought only stupid teens did stuff like that? Well, the poor conductor is recovering from his near heart attack but not knowing the fate that was to befall him. The Gila monster got under the upcoming bridge and smashed it. This caused the train to wreck, creating a buffet for our Gila monster ("Hmmm...I'll have a bit of Train Conductor and just a tad of Business Traveler..."). We hear screams dubbed in as we watch the lizard snuffle around a model train.

At the sheriff's station, Mr. Harris is soon relaying his tale to the Sheriff. The Sheriff believes it to be the  booze talking, even though Mr. Harris demands the "sobriety" test. I guess the Sheriff did not want to smell his breath like he had to earlier in the flick (ewwwww). It was then that the Sheriff decided to investigate the bizarre claims of this huge Gila Monster causing the accident.

Chase is getting ready for the film's obligatory Sock Hop  scene. Just as films set in New Orleans must have a Mardi Gras scene, every teen movie in this era had to have a Sock Hop scene. Then he got a call from the Sheriff asking him to bring his book on reptiles. Chase drops by the Sheriff and they talk about Gila monsters. It seems that a change in diet can make the Gila monster grow, and evidently one has. The two figure out that a Gila monster is the culprit. The Sheriff then tells Chase to go enjoy himself, even though there's a giant monster roaming round killing people.

The Sock Hop is in full swing when Chase introduces his surprise guest, "Steamroller" Smith! "Steamroller" then plays a few tunes and the kids dance again. Then he tries a new tune on them and he wants them to guess the singer. The kids make all kinds of guesses, but it is Lisa that tells the truth. On one of his rare days off, Chase cut a demo with Steamroller that will be played on the radio. He then talked Chase into playing "The Mushroom Song" to these group of teens. I winced as I saw Chase pull out the ukulele again and sung the silly lyrics.

Meanwhile the Sheriff had arrived with Mr. Wheeler, who I think is the real monster of the movie. Mr. Wheeler was making enough noise about taking the Sheriff's job. He did make some points about the lizard, making us realize he is not as dumb as we think. Mr. Wheeler then demands that Chase be arrested for tampering with evidence because he pulled his son's car out of the ravine and put a wrecked car's whitewalls on his hot-rod. Hmmm, I am beginning to think Mr. Wheeler has a problem with Chase.

So Chase is singing away to the happy crowd, not knowing that there is a giant party crasher lurking outside. Yes, the Gila monster breaks down the wall of that barn. The kids manage to get out while the Sheriff scares it away with bullets (go figure). Chase gets an idea on how to get rid of the Gila so he runs off with Lisa. The Sheriff deputizes Mr. Wheeler and makes him hold the rest of the kids there.

Chase remembered the nitroglycerin that was in his work shed, so he was going to use that on the creature. He runs off hunting the creature only to discover to his horror that the monster destroyed the house where his sister was visiting. He then found his sister running in a field.  He told Lisa to stay with his sister and keep down while he took care of the monster. He must have put an auto-pilot in that hot rod of his for he drove it at the monster and he was able to jump out of the car long before the explosion. Wow, amazing that the car was able to drive in a straight line to the Gila monster.  Needless to say, the Sock Hop ended with a Gila monster barbecue.

Chase walks away to be greeted by the Sheriff and Mr. Wheeler. Mr. Wheeler, who was supposed to watch the kids, found out that there was no way he could keep a bunch of teens still, so he gained new respect for the Sheriff. He also gained new respect for Chase as well and offered him a job the next morning (hmm, considering it was Wheeler's rigs that killed Chase's father, that may not be such a good thing). Everyone is happy, even though Chase is without his hot rod. Unfortunately, he still has his ukulele.

So there you have it, the story of the Giant Gila Monster which is a tall tale from Texas. You know, I wish the creature hadn't have been destroyed. Perhaps they could have used him as a deterrent for drunk driving.

I don't know about you, but I have  a hankering for Gila monster barbecue for lunch. Hold the mushrooms.

Thanks, Crystal.  You know, that idea about a boy group making Chase's song a Top 40 hit isn't bad at all...hmmmm...we could call the group Boys2Geeks...

Article copyright © Crystal Guillory

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