Everyone, even great film directors like Mario Bava, have their off day.  Anyway, that's the explanation we prefer when the subject turns to...

By TESS HENSEN

Before the likes of Austin Power's Dr. Evil, after the likes of Dr. Strangelove, and somewhere in the vicinity of Blofeld and Goldfinger there resides a villain who has more in common with The Brain (Narf!) than any of the above-mentioned baddies--Dr. Goldfoot. He is the arch-fiend in director Mario Bava's odd venture into spy-spoofing, 1966's Dr. Goldfoot And The Girl Bombs.

Now, Dr. Goldfoot has one thing on his mind--what else--world domination. Even his beauteous girl bombs will not distract him in his quest. In this installment of the 'Goldfoot attempts to take over the world' saga, the Good Doctor has decided to do away with the seven Generals that are in charge of NATO by using his girl bombs (attractive femme-bots equipped with motion sensitive explosive devices) to seduce, and subsequently blow up the aforementioned NATO leaders.

There is a second part to this plot, as one of the Generals--Gen. Willis--is a dead ringer for Goldfoot (except for a minor stuttering problem). After Willis is out of the way, Goldfoot can safely take his place at the head of NATO, and therefore begin ruling the world. Sounds like a plan that could work...well, almost. As usual in any parody of spy/and or James Bond type films, there are always the bungling, idiotic antics of characters that get mistakenly dragged into the plot, who throw a wrench into things. In this movie however, you are almost rooting for Goldfoot, as the bungling idiots are extremely unfunny and very irritating. Here's the run-down:

Franco and Cicchio really were a comedy team in Italy back in the Sixties--although the descriptive word "comedy" can be applied very loosely to them- at least in this day and age. In this movie (I can't call it a film) they play themselves as a couple of doormen at a hotel in which Dr. Goldfoot (played by Vincent Price) is staying.

Of course, they have dreams of becoming more than humble doormen, they want to be Special Agents! So, in their downtime from work they are constantly spying on people. While spying on some Goldfoot goings-on, they see their chance to capture one of Goldfoot's sidekicks--a Chinese man. Thing is, they wrangle the wrong guy--an ex-SIC (Security Intelligence Command) agent named Bill Dexter (played by Sixties pop star Fabian)! He is no longer a SIC agent because he is something of a womanizer (or ladies' man if you prefer) and got into some trouble.

However, having the curious mind of a Special Agent, he still pursues his detective's calling (and women), which leads him to find out what Goldfoot is up to. Dexter is constantly trying to get back on with SIC, and thinks that if he can come up with some dirt on Goldfoot, they'll let him back in. After Franco and Cicchio discover that they have wrangled the wrong guy, and that Dexter is not actually Chinese, they sort of crash a meeting of SIC to find out what the mystery is behind the exploding generals. Dexter, recognized by the other SIC agents, is asked to leave, but Franco and Cicchio are given Special Agent numbers and are admitted to the meeting! Colonel Benson (head of SIC) has decided to let a computer pick the numbers of two SIC agents who will investigate the mystery behind the exploding generals.

The two agents picked, are of course, the bumbling Franco and Cicchio who have just been recruited into SIC. When Franco and Cicchio leave the meeting, Dexter confronts them and tries to join forces with them, but they don't want his help. He then goes to Rosanna, Colonel Benson's secretary (whom he is sweet on) hoping to get her help in convincing the Colonel that Dr. Goldfoot (whom the Colonel believes to be dead) is behind the exploding generals fiasco.

However, the "Chinese guy" sidekick of Goldfoot's has already gotten to Rosanna, abducted and replaced her with a look-alike girl bomb to thwart Dexter's plans. Dexter does not (for once!) fall for the seduction and the Rosanna girl-bomb self-destructs. Dexter then rushes off to Goldfoot's hideout to rescue the real Rosanna.

Goldfoot, knowing that SIC is onto his hideout, disguises his manor as a Catholic girl's school, with him in drag as the Mother Superior. SIC arrives, and Goldfoot sweet-talks Col. Benson in his best Mother Superior voice until Benson decides that all is well, and that this is not Goldfoot's hideout. He calls off the alarm and leaves, leaving an unconvinced Franco and Cicchio behind and trapped by Goldfoot and his girls.

Enter a scene especially for you dog-faced boys: Franco and Cicchio escape through the manor and end up in the exercise room with about 50 scantily clad girl-bombs doing some weird dance/exercise routine. Bounteous babes abound in this scene, and Franco and Cicchio are clearly enjoying themselves. However, as they hear Goldfoot and his flunkies approaching they decide to disguise themselves as girl bombs to elude him. This works in Franco's case, and he escapes the manor. However, Cicchio is not so lucky and is captured by Goldfoot.

In the meantime, Dr. Goldfoot has procured a B-52 bomber from the Chinese government (with whom he is in cahoots), equipped with a Super-Hydrogen bomb which is to be dropped on Moscow. If Goldfoot's plot goes as planned, the bomb will initiate a conflict between Russia and America in which neither country will be the victor, leaving the door open for Goldfoot and the Chinese to step in and become world leaders. Cicchio has been brain-washed by Goldfoot, and when Dexter arrives at the hideout to rescue Rosanna, he attacks Dexter and tries to stop him. Suddenly Cicchio seems to have some sort of weird reaction to the supposed drugs that have been given to him, and goes berserk. Rosanna reveals to Dexter that she witnessed Goldfoot making a duplicate of Cicchio, and that the real Cicchio is hidden somewhere in the manor. They go in search of Cicchio, find him, and then realize that Goldfoot has also fled.

They leave the hideout and stow away in a vehicle that just happens to be Goldfoot's! Goldfoot is now on his way to the airport to board the bomber that will be dropping the Super-Hydrogen bomb. When they reveal themselves to Goldfoot (now in his Gen. Willis disguise), he & his flunkies flee the car and into a local amusement park, where the bumbling SIC team chase them through a myriad of thrill rides. Goldfoot finds his way back to the car, and the SIC team hop in a balloon ride to get an aerial view of the get-away vehicle. They follow the car out to the airport, where they see the B-52 take off. Too late to stop the bomb from being dropped! Probably not. They try to follow the bomber, but encounter a fierce storm and begin to lose altitude.

They start throwing things overboard to lighten their load. They start drifting upward--all the way to heaven--where we see Mario Bava in his wacky cameo as an angel admonishing them not to enter the pearly gates (in Italian!). As they lower the balloon again they see the plane in the distance. As the bomber gets closer to them, they line up the balloon basket with the doorway to the plane and jump on when they get close enough. Goldfoot then escapes the bomber and Dexter tries to stop the bomb from dropping, but all the controls are locked. Dexter calls Colonel Benson for instructions and he tells him to let Franco and Cicchio disarm the bomb as they are dispensable. In a scene stolen directly from Dr. Strangelove, the two idiots accidentally disengage the bomb from the plane while sitting on it and ride it to the earth like Slim Pickens, only without nearly the humorous implications. The bomb falls in Siberia without detonating and Franco and Cicchio encounter the Russians.

So, the bomb threat is thwarted and all is well. Dexter is leaving on another SIC mission (he has been re-instated), and Rosanna kisses him farewell at the airport. He swears he will never look at another girl again. However, that promise doesn't last long as he follows an attractive young lady onto the plane. Dr. Goldfoot finds Franco and Cicchio in Siberia and recruits them for the Russian Secret Service that he is now in charge of. The End - Thank God!

Dr. Goldfoot And The Girl Bombs (a.k.a. Spie vengono sal semifreddo (Italy), Dr. Goldfoot And The 'S' Bombs, Dr. Goldfoot And The Love Bomb, Dr. Goldfoot And The Sex Bombs, Spies Who Came In From The Half-Cold, The Spy Who Came In From The Semi-Cold (International; English title; literal title), Two Guys From The FBI (International; English title; literal title)) is actually the second Dr. Goldfoot movie. The first was 1965's Dr. Goldfoot And The Bikini Machine, which also featured Vincent Price in the starring role, along with Frankie Avalon as the Bill Dexter type character.

The first movie was directed by Norman Taurog, and although I have not seen it, I have read that it is a much better film than it's successor. I would hope to believe that, since I was not much impressed with Girl Bombs. Yes, Girl Bombs is a Mario Bava film. Well, he directed it anyway, and was the uncredited cinematographer. However, Bava only took the film to fill contractual obligations with AIP. He had no real interest in the project (and it shows), and tried to back out if it, to no avail.

Apparently, the American version is just barely recognizable as a Bava film, since many changes in writing, sound and editing were made without his input. My source for this article was the AMC version which aired sometime this past Spring. I assume it was the American version I viddied then, as it has absolutely no Bava filmic tricks (his penchant for the zoom), no rich backlit colors, no mood at all. Of course, I realize that this is a comedy, not a horror movie, but I have seen some Bava horror films that were injected with a bit of tongue-in-cheek humor and still had style. It seems that since this was his last movie for AIP, and since he had wanted out of the contract before this film was made, he just didn't have the interest in making it uniquely his own.

The movie is funny in some places (rarely), and there are the industry in-jokes that make it a little more bearable. First and foremost are the tips of various hats to the Bond films. At one point, Goldfoot tells his Chinese side-kick to throw a side of beef into the pool for his pets. His pets in this case are piranhas, not crocodiles like the Bond film. Then there is of course his name - which is a parody of Goldfinger.

Perhaps the most appreciated scene for horror movie fans is a reference to another AIP Corman/Poe/Price film, The Pit And The Pendulum. Early in the film as Dr. Goldfoot is giving us a sort of back-story that leads us up to his latest quest for world domination, we are treated to a parody scene which shows a man strapped to a table with a huge pendulum in place and ready to swing. Price as Goldfoot is dressed in the black robes of the Inquisitor, ready to get the information he needs from his victim. It is an obvious, unexpected and pleasantly surprising nod to his other role in the Corman film. Unfortunately, these rare scenes of humor (which are funnier than all of the scenes of Franco and Cicchio put together), does not do much to save the movie from slipping into inane slapstick and irritating dialogue.

There is however, Vincent Price. It is always fun watching him in whatever role he takes. One can tell that he is having a world of fun with this role. I believe that this is the one and only time that Price had the opportunity to work with Bava, which is a shame. Couldn't you just imagine a moody Bava horror masterpiece with Price as his leading man? It worked wonders for the likes of Boris Karloff and Christopher Lee. Ah, well. For those fans of the old Batman series in the sixties, you'll see a bit (well maybe a lot) of Egghead in Dr. Goldfoot, which is a welcome relief from the idiotic and totally unfunny antics of Franco and Cicchio.

In parting, I would recommend this film only to die-hard Mario Bava fans (and only then for his cameo as an angel, not for his directorial style, which is virtually absent in this movie), Vincent Price fans and dog-faced boys. I wouldn't even recommend it to Les Baxter fans (who scored the movie), as the music is almost as irritating as Franco and Cicchio, and from what I've read, is probably the worst movie soundtrack he has ever scored. However, I will leave the decision up to you dear reader...just remember...forewarned is forearmed...

Thanks, Tess.  Although no one rushes to defend this film, it's certainly not the worst of the Sixties spy-spoof flicks.   If only it didn't have Mario Bava's name attached to it...

Article copyright © Tess Hensen

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