By CRYSTAL GUILLORY

Can you believe it's June already?

As we all know, June is the traditional bridal month and chances are most of us are going to do the seasonal thing; buy overpriced items from someone's  bridal registry. (Good grief, are all marriage candidates trained to ask for the $50 sterling silver soup ladle at pre-marriage counseling?)   Oh I'm kidding folks, I know weddings are a joyous time to gather and celebrate the love of two people.

And what better way to honor such a lovely life-changing event but to watch 1951’s Bride Of The Gorilla? (Okay, there are better ways but this is HORROR-WOOD!)

I am talking about the Jack Broder-produced classic Bride Of The Gorilla, which has quite a few impressive names in the cast and crew. For instance, if the name Jack Broder sounds familiar to you, it’s because you have suffered through…ah...watched Bela Lugosi Meets A Brooklyn Gorilla. He did that film years after this particular one, which shows that even the Hollywood producers of yesteryear were lacking imagination. Even though the plots are very different both films have two things in common--a simian and a classic horror film star.

In this case, the classic horror film star is the great Lon Chaney, Jr. (billed as Lon Chaney in this film) and if I have to tell you who he is you better find another Webzine. Chaney was cast as a heavy in many pictures, but this one movie was one of the few in which he was one of the good guys.

The fellow playing the not so good guy" is one who became known for his role as the lawyer who won nearly every case on TV. Or you may know him as the wheelchair-bound detective who had a group of hip young people assisting him with his cases or just to wheel him around town. Then again, there are some who rather think of him as the American who was edited in to deal with the threat of a monster called Godzilla in exotic Japan. Yes, I am talking about legendary actor Raymond Burr, who had quite a career of playing the villain--even playing a murderer in Hitchcock's Rear Window (he made for a really creepy one). Apparently, the role in the American release of Godzilla (which is far different from the uncut Japanese one) changed his fate and he played mostly heroic roles from then on.

Oddly enough, the name of the female lead is not as well known as her co-actors. Her name was Barbara Payton and hers was a sad tale indeed. She was a young starlet who left her dreary life to be a star in Hollywood. She did succeed by landing a few choice roles (this movie wasn't one of them) but her fast living caught up to her. Sad to say, she died far too young at the age of 39.

Finally, I mention the name of the director who also wrote the script, and that is Curt Siodmak. To many of you that name needs no introduction, so you can skip this paragraph and go on to the movie if you wish. If the name Siodmak sounds familiar, there is a reason, he wrote the scripts for two of the famous Universal Studios monster classics, The Wolf Man and Frankenstein Meets The Wolf Man. He also wrote scripts for other genre classics such as The Beast With Five Fingers and I Walked With A Zombie. So, with talent like this, how could this movie go wrong? Oh reader, you are in for a surprise.

As the movie opens, we are treated to lovely scenes of jungle stock footage…ah…wildlife as we hear Chaney's voice telling us about the dangers of the jungle. Oh, duh! As if we didn't find that out from watching Animal Planet! Soon our attention is led to this desolate mansion that was once the lovely home of the Van Gelders, and then we are in a flashback.

The scene changes and  we see the lovely Mrs. Dina Van Gelder (Payton) dancing away to some samba music on a sultry afternoon. However, her samba time is interrupted by her husband's surly but brutishly handsome Barney Chavez (Burr).

Oh, I gotta stop and ponder about the villain’s first name--Barney. I know I didn't write the script, but I gotta say Siodmak was wrong to give that first name to Chavez. To me, the name Barney is a name to give the comic relief lawman, a Stone Age pal or a goofy purple dinosaur. Ah well, I'll stop this brief rant and get back to the movie.

Chavez is complaining to Mrs. Van Gelder about the heat and how difficult it is to work in it. Awww, poor baby! So he decides to cool off and flirt with the lovely but unhappily married  Dina.  Her marriage is not a happy one since her husband would rather spend time with his books then with her. So, why not flirt with the husband's brooding employee? Readers, I present to you the original "Desperate Housewife."

Unfortunately, the flirting is interrupted by his boss and her husband, and its the same man! Klaas Van Gelder begins to chide Barney for not being on the job, for there was a fatal accident that afternoon. Chavez then gave the excuse that he "couldn't be in two places at once."  I mean, if he had been doing his job. he wouldn't have enough time to flirt with his boss's hot wife!

Soon it is dinner time and the Von Gelders and their dinner guests Chavez and Dr Viet (Klaas' doctor) sit at the table. Von Gelder opens the dinner with a rather disturbing scripture from the Bible. (Ah, somehow I don't think that's going to start a light dinnertime conversation!) Oops, I was right, ‘cause Klaus and Chavez have a fight about his slacking on the job and extracurricular activities which involved one of the local girls. Unfortunately, the dinner party ends with Chavez being sacked. The hostess is none too happy about this course of events so she begs the brooding slacker to stay, implying deep feelings.

Chavez storms off from the grand home when he is met up with Dina's chambermaid, Larina, who also begs him not to go. (Gee, I wonder if there is something to the rumors of his tomcatting around, after all?) Chavez asks Larina to talk to Van Gelder, but then Larina reminds him of the promise that they would leave this place together. Once she realized Chavez really didn't love her she does what any heartbroken chambermaid does, cry on the shoulder of the local witch Al-long. (Too bad the girl wasn't in a more civilized place, she could have been crying into a half-pint of Ben and Jerry's while soaking in a tub, but I digress.) Al-long says that this will be taken care of.

Klass is later taking a walk when he meets up with Chavez in the jungle and the two discuss the scripture he read at dinner earlier that evening. Of course, this starts a heated theological debate which ends in the two having a brief fist fight. (Sheesh, some people should never discuss religion!) Well, okay the real point of that discussion was about Chavez and Dina so that got Van Gelder fighting mad which proved to be his undoing for a stock footage snake just so happens to slither by that moment. Klaas falls to the ground and becomes a victim of stock footage snake venom which brings instant death.

Well, that was the last straw for Al-long! I mean, it was bad enough he broke Larina's heart but for Chavez to cause the death of his boss really crossed that line. The witch decided that Barney needed a whupping in a form of a curse, one that will turn him into an animal at night. (Ah excuse me, aren't most guys like Chavez normally like that?)

Of course, Van Gelder's mysterious death is brought to the attention of the local lawman, Police Commissioner Taro (Chaney) and he questions everyone. Oddly enough, Al-long offers a needed alibi for Chavez which Dina collaborates on, so he's off the hook for now. Too bad Taro didn't have a CSI:Amazon to help him with this case, eh? The evidence is inconclusive so Chavez is off the hook much to he and Dina's delight so they can marry.

The pair run to the altar with such a speed that would make Hamlet's mom say "Damn!" (Go read your Cliff Notes.) I mean, there's not even time for her to select a florist, a photographer and hideous dresses for the bridesmaids to wear. No matter--Mrs. Dina Van Gelder Chavez is madly in love with her brooding new husband. Meanwhile, we see Al-long slipping a supernatural Mickey into Barney's drink, one that will bring the animal out in him (but not the way Dina wants) later on that night. The happy couple sign the marriage certificate, but Barney bolts from the room when he sees his hand growing hairy. (Isn't the hair supposed to only grow on his palms in those cases?) Dr. Viet checks him out but sees nothing wrong but gives him a prescription, anyway.

Later on that night the bride meets with her bridegroom hoping for a little jungle love. Unfortunately her husband is distracted by the call of the wild and leaves her alone on the wedding night. Oh, bad move!

The next morning, Dina should have known her new marriage was in trouble when she found her husband and smelled banana daiquiris on his breath. She has Dr. Viet check him out thinking Barney has a jungle fever of some sort. Later on, Dr. Viet makes a call on Police Comm. Taro to discuss the fact that the Van Gelder case is closed but there is a new case about. It appears there are reports of a strange humanoid beast walking about and wreaking havoc at night who the villagers refer to as "Sukarot" (pardon my spelling). Didn't I hear about something like that on Coast To Coast’s open mike night?

Taro thinks that someone knowing the legend could use that for an excuse to wreak havoc or commit murder. (Only to be stopped by four meddling kids and their talking dog.) Could he be thinking of Chavez? Their discussion is interrupted by a phone call from a distraught person claiming that the sukarot has killed an animal. The lawman and the physician arrive on the scene and take a statement from the distraught native. Taro then orders that traps be set for the perp and then they go back to the station.

In the meanwhile, Barney returns after sometime of cruising the jungle but he doesn't visit his lovely wife. Instead he waits until after dark when she is asleep in her safari clothes to visit his wife, and we are astounded at how hairy he's become already! Alas, Barney changes his mind about waking up his wife and goes back into the jungle. Dina senses an intruder, so she grabs a gun and starts shooting at the empty space. (Hey readers, it could have been the invisible man for all she knows!) Her target practice is interrupted by the voice of Viet who is accompanied by Taro. Dang, are those two becoming a crime fighting team now?

Taro takes another statement from Dina concerning the intruder and she goes off to search for her missing husband. To her dismay she finds him, caught in a trap and he can't get out. This looks a little odd to her suspicious mind but he assures her he was caught in the trap while hunting. At his insistence, he takes her over to Al-long, since Dr. Viet was not on his HMO plan. Al-long fixes him up, using extra doses of peli-guan which is guaranteed to bring out the beast…ah…best in him. Alas, this episode with the trap was enough to convince him that he has a jungle problem so they should sell the plantation and leave pronto.

The next day the next door neighbor (if your idea of next door is 40 miles away) is there with a wad of cash to buy the plantation. While at the goodbye party, the doctor is checking out Barney's eyes and noticing that they look a little strange. Barney begins to flinch away, denying anything's wrong. Meanwhile, Dina is packing away clothes, giving away some items to Larina who doesn't appear too happy to get hand-me-downs. Dr. Viet has a heart-to-heart talk with her, expressing the fact that he thinks Chavez is being poisoned by a drug. Never mind the fact that he is secretly in love with her. In any case, Viet wants to examine him but Barney has slipped out to the jungle yet again! Meanwhile, the group waiting at the Van Gelder estate are playing "Waiting for Barney" while pondering the mysteries of the universe. The neighbor gets a tad annoyed at Chavez bailing out on them and goes back to his place.

Hours later, Chavez is quietly walking into his abode when he is confronted by Dina who is welding a rolling pin. This is when he comes clean, telling her that he feels more at home in the jungle then married to her. It is if he is living a lie while denying his true tree- climbing jungle-dwelling self. (Readers, why do I think that a similar scene happened between Burr and his real life wife at some point in their marriage?) The tender scene is interrupted by the plantation workers who tell Chavez they quit. Sure, they can take the heat and the unbearable hours but a humanoid jungle demon is a little much to deal with on a job. They ask for two week’s pay but quickly change their minds when they see that Barney's paws are covered with dried blood!

Dina is having a fit so she goes to Viet for a sympathetic ear and a dose of sedative on the rocks. He informs her that he thinks that someone has poisoned Barney boy because he obviously had something to do with Van Gelder's death. Dina is refusing to hear such talk about her husband saying that they are together until death.

That night, Dina is talking to her husband trying to get him to change his mind about the jungle but no can do. Chavez runs out into the jungle and Dina follows him and does what any loving wife would do, pull a gun out and order him to come home. (Now why would she need that gun when she was already pointing a pair of 38's at him?)

Dr. Viet arrives at the Van Gelder estate ready to battle Chavez when he encounters Taro on the scene. You see a drug raid was conducted on Al-long's place and they discovered that she had the illegal plant peli-guan (even though she claims that she was holding it for a friend). So it turns out that Dr. Viet was right after all so they needed to hunt down the couple in the jungle, good thing Taro has the senses of an animal.

So then we are treated to a chase through the woods with Dina on hot pursuit of her simian hubby. Alas, the hubby finds her and she isn't too happy about it. The stock footage jungle creatures watch helplessly as the Gorilla carries off Dina to her doom. The crime[-fighting duo of Viet/Taro find the creature and shoot him out of the tree and he dies alongside his bride.

What a cheery ending for a movie eh readers? The viewer has to wonder if Chavez really did turn into an animal or was it all in his mind. After all, we never really saw him change into such a creature. Was his transformation as a result of guilt? The only thing blowing a hole in this theory is that we saw the gorilla carry Dina near the end of this movie. Then, again, do we care if this was all in his mind?

Too bad things ended so badly as they did…though maybe the relationship could have been saved if she had gone through a past life regression and discovered she was a gorilla. Then again, maybe he could have recovered and gotten a law degree in the city while using his simian skills to battle  the bad guys at night…?

Anyway, I have to get ready so I can go to a co-worker's step-daughter's wedding on the other side of town tonight. The festivities are taking place in "The Jungle Room." I met the couple and while the girl is lovely the fellow is a little…ah…hairy for my tastes, but to each her own.