By CRYSTAL GUILLORY

Hi HORROR-WOOD readers!

I am going to start off my monthly movie rant with a confession--that I gave in to peer pressure. 

Oddly enough, in the beginning the pressure was easy to resist since it was hard to get and too expensive for my budget. However, the price went down so more and more of my friends were being hooked. Soon they were all telling me to get this thing, to be one of the crowd. I was strong at first, but eventually I caved in and became part of the crowd. I now go to my supplier across town  to pick up my latest joy...

…a DVD player.

Yep, readers, I am now one of the many, the proud, the DVD player owners. Now, what did you think I was talking about?

Seriously, I do enjoy being able to play these newfangled things now. I mean, how else can you hear a director and actors giving great (or not so great) background information on the movie? How about being able to see some scenes that were previously on the cutting room floor?

Some DVDs even have the special feature of showing scenes of the movie dubbed in different languages. Speaking of different languages, some DVDs enable one to switch the dialogue to the language of their choice. So, one can watch Black Sabbath in English, in the original language of Italian or opt for Thai (the language, not the food).

Other DVDs allow for the use of subtitles in different languages, providing as many interesting choices. Considering that The Day The Earth Stood Still is going to be released on DVD this year, I wonder what the classic phrase "Klaatu Barada Niktu" is going to look like in Chinese characters?

Not to mention the chance to look at storyboards of the movie, or to see information on the cast.  Then there are some DVDs which show the theatrical trailer on the DVD as well. Sometimes there are some hidden surprises called "Easter eggs" which contain some gems for film fans.

That is not the only good thing about DVDs, many of them look great transferred to this medium. In many cases, the original print is cleaned up and restored to its original state.  In fact, if missing scenes have been discovered they are added to the feature. I can't
tell you how chilled I was to finally see the full footage of the "drowning Maria" scene from Frankenstein.

Quite a few classic films have received this treatment (such as Metropolis) much to the delight of its fans both old and new. Now it is getting to the point where most if not all of the great movies will be released in this format.

Unfortunately, however, many less then great—well, really bad movies are in this format now, too. Which brings us to the movie of the month, the big bug/jungle feature, Monster From Green Hell.

I have to admit I have never heard of this movie (or even saw it on late night TV ) when I was given this assignment by Renfield . I looked it up on the Creepy Classics web page (Hi. Ron!) and promptly ordered it for this review. I have to tell you I was excited, for
this was my first movie on DVD that I would write about. 

If only I had kept that excitement, it might have helped me handle a viewing of this movie. I will be blunt--this is one of the most boring movies that I have ever seen! Egad, I am so surprised that the FDA has not decreed it to be used as a "prescription only" sleep aid.

Should have realized I was going to be in for a long 70 minutes when I saw that the one of the producers was named Gross.  With a name like that it has to be bad, right? I suppose I better stop my griping and talk about the plot (?) of this snoozer.

Two scientists, Brady (pre Dallas Jim Davis) and Griffin, are doing experiments on the effects of cosmic radiation on living beings. To do this, they send animals in rockets 200 miles up and then retrieve them for study. In this last experiment, all the animals are accounted for except the wasps.

Wasps? They used a whole rocket for a lousy nest of wasps? I hope this was privately funded, for I would hate to think that taxpayer's money was behind it. Anyway, if they could send one nest of wasps, why not every darned wasp in one of those things? Okay, sorry for the rant, readers, but I really don't care for wasps.

The scientists look for where the wasps could have landed, and, after consulting their state of the art (for that time) computer, conclude that the wasps (who have been exposed to radiation for over 40 hours) have landed in Africa. Gee, I wonder if anything will happen?

Meanwhile, in this remote part of Africa, some tribesmen have brought a fallen friend to their local white doctor/missionary Dr. Lorentz. The natives claim that it was the monster from "Green Hell" that did the dirty to their comrade, but Dr. Lorentz refuses to hear such nonsense. Meanwhile, we are treated to a scene of the giant "wasp" threatening loads of innocent stock footage—ah, wildlife.

The good Doctor decides to go on a quest to see what is causing such a disturbance in his corner of the world. On the way, the doctor bravely faces a stampede of stock footage and the loss of a village member to this mysterious monster.

Our two scientists read a small newspaper article read about mysterious happenings in Africa. Gee, wasn’t that where the wasps landed? Gee, didn't the wasps get loads of radiation? Hmmm, you think that the radiation might have had a negative effect on our
little wasp nest? I believe the readers of horror-wood have seen enough "giant insect atomic radiation" flicks to know the answer. So now our two scientists go on a quest to seek the wasps. Gee, I hope they bring a big can of Raidâ .

The two scientists are to meet up with Dr. Lorentz in his village, and since there are no planes, trains, or cars, they have to keep on walking for about a month. Yep, the brilliant Dr. Brady observes that a safari is simply keeping one foot in front of the other. Wow, I
am amazed at such a scientific concept. I can see why he is a scientist.

For some reason, Brady is wearing a rather retro jungle outfit that looks uncomfortable for this march. Could it be that is because stock footage of angry natives attacking white invaders wearing such outfits as used in these exciting scenes? Oh, my, I was on the edge of my seat with the realistic-looking battle.

After that bit of excitement (yawn), they continue their walk. Yes, they walk over hill and over dale as they beat the ever dusty trail. A bunch of people battling adverse conditions in the jungle? When did I start watching Survivor?

As I said, it is a dusty trail, mainly due to the lack of rain (see, I’m a scientist, too). So then we are subjected to talk of excessive thirst that made me grab my soda more then a few times. The scientists were able to visit a watering hole, but the presence of stock footage vultures and a dead native proved it was poisonous. So, it was back on the road again.

Brady and his men keep marching day in, day out, in the hot sun. Meanwhile, I am drinking loads of caffeine drinks and pinching myself in order to keep awake. I warned you that this part was a snoozer.

However, some action happens in the plot--there is rain! The endless rain (after they asked that it not to end—gee, make up your mind, people!) stops the march for a while, but then they go  walking again. Along the way Brady is accidentally hit in the chest by a tribesman, which does not effect him at first but causes him to faint later. He awakens in the care of Lorna Lorentz (what was her father thinking naming her that?) who is waiting for her father to return.

Now I do have to credit the makers with this movie of hiring a female lead who was not overly glamorous but had a natural quality about her. I do have to wonder why in the world did she wear pumps in the jungle of all places.

So the two men are cleaned up and waiting for Dr. Lorentz to return, but then they get bad news. It appears that this monster in Green Hell killed the good doctor. Gee, I bet he finally believed in those reports after all!

It is at this point that another road trip—ah, safari to Green Hell is planned. After all, if those wasps multiply, they could overrun the continent of Africa, and then maybe the world. Gee, they are enough of a nuisance when they’re small.

So, the scientists get ready for another journey, but they find out that their safari crew ran out on them due to rumors about the monster. All looks lost, but Lorna announces that there will be help from the village. When she told the natives she was going on, they felt ashamed that a girl was braver then they were and so they joined up. Eventually, the village men forget about being 'one upped" by a girl and run back home.

The group bravely and endlessly moves on, thus the viewer gets more scenes of people walking. No wonder why I kept getting sleepy, all those walking scenes made me tired!

Now it appears that we not only have to contend with a huge nest of wasps (huge wasps for that matter) but a volcano threatening to blow its top. Maybe the volcano has seen some of this movie and had enough?

Eventually (a good term for this flick), our heroes camp out for the night, when they hear a loud noise. We viewers witness a python being killed by one of the giant wasps. I do have to admit, this bit of stop-action animation was very good, in fact it was the only cool thing in this movie.

The next day, our adventurers search for the nest near this cave, and they are successful. Realizing that the whole gang of giant wasps was there, they used that opportunity to do the deed. So, taking some bug bombs--ah, hand grenades, they pull the pins and throw! Then there are explosions, the smoke clears, and very angry wasps appear.

Needless to say, the group runs like hell away from them, and wind up in a cave. Brady then sets off a  whole box of grenades near the entrance, keeping out the wasp but trapping the heroes inside. Doh!

So our heroes stumble along in the cave trying to find their way out. Yes, dear reader, we are treated to another exciting scene of people walking around! At this point I’m wishing that the wasps had gotten them and thus ending this movie and our misery. No such luck.

Eventually, a way out is discovered and the group leaves the cave. Upon leaving the cave they discover that the volcano is erupting, and flowing lava takes care of the pesky wasps. Gee, the scientists went all the way to Africa for nothing! The volcano saved the day!

The group stood around being philosophical about this turn of events, but me, I was just happy for this flick to end!

At the end of this movie, I discovered an "Easter egg" or hidden feature of the trailer in the DVD. The trailer for Monster From Green Hell promises "shattering action," "volcanic thrills," and that this is "the greatest monster show of all." Excuse me, I beg to differ with that trailer after sitting through the actual movie. I only wish that the hidden feature was a better movie, but no such luck.