By CRYSTAL GUILLORY

(Psst...Happy New Year, HORROR-WOOD readers.)

Why am I whispering? Well, readers, I am recovering from a major hangover. Excuse me while I grab some aspirin and then I will tell you all about how I got this way.

It all started when I attended a New Year's Eve celebration with some good friends. I had met them at this place called "Pat O Brien's" which is known for its very potent rum drinks. It was decided amongst our group that we should go for it and get the huge magnum "hurricane".

We had no idea what we were in store for when this big glass appeared at our table. Needless to say, I did my help finish this monumental drink, much to the dismay of my liver.  Why, oh why, did I try to keep up with Connie?

Yes, I am coming to the point, just be patient. Well, at some point in the evening before I got too trashed, I remember us talking about the worst movies we have seen. As you all know by now, I have seen and survived viewings of various cinematic duds and have developed an immunity of some sorts. Like I fool I had bragged about that fact to this group.

That was not a smart thing to do. You see, dear readers, these were a group of fans that knew and watched cheesy movies on a regular occasion. Yep, I should know better then to brag like that with a group of Mystery Science Theater 3000 fans! Little did I realize how this mistake would affect me for days to come.

Well, I drunkenly challenged them to give me a movie bad enough, horrible enough, for me to review in HORROR-WOOD. The last thing I remember before passing out was "Bring it on!" Why oh why can't I get into a bar brawl like any normal person?

Well, fast forward to the next morning in my hotel room as I shield myself from the sun faster than Count Orlock could. As I wearily got some water and stumbled around my surroundings, I noticed a DVD on my dresser. I wondered to myself as to how I got that DVD but then I thought of my bragging last night. I remembered the challenge I gave them to find me a movie so bad it could make me crumble.

I bit my lip as I was reached out for the DVD, afraid of what they chose for me. Oh man, what could it be? Could it be Pluto Nash? Could it be The Country Bears? Oh horrors, could it be something from David "The Rock" Nelson? Then my blood turned cold as I thought of what it could be. I closed my eyes and my heart raced as I grabbed the DVD, and looked at the cover.

I opened my eyes and read the words Dungeon Of Harrow on the cover. I can't tell you the relief I felt at that moment, but little did I realize how short-lived that would be. I became intrigued by the cover, which showed a damsel in chains in an obviously chilly dungeon. Good grief is she smuggling M&M's or enjoying the bondage a little too much. Judging by the looks of the girl, I wonder if Noah chose that title. I looked at this DVD. It couldn't be that bad could it?

Oh, reader…if I only knew!

Well, I decided to get some more rest and do some research on this movie. After all, you all love to see me ramble on endlessly with background information of a movie, don't you? Hours later I finished and this is what I found.

I first began to look up Pat Boyette, since the cover of the DVD proclaimed this to be his underground classic. While doing some research I was indeed fascinated with the creator of this movie, for he was a Renaissance man.  In his youth, he wore many hats in the radio field such as dramatic actor, producer, writer, editor and director. Then, one day. he walked along a street in San Antonio, Texas, and saw the future…a television station. So he applied at the station and became news editor and head announcer for KENS.

While working at the television station, he noticed that it was buying movies and showing them over and over. This gave him an idea in another field to get into--movie making! In fourteen days, the writing, sets, and filming for Dungeon Of Harrow was complete.  Boyette also edited, wrote the score and provided the narration in the final cut. He didn't do this all alone, for he got some financial backing from Russ Harvey who wanted to act. (Considering how woodenly he acted, he should have given Boyette more money!) Harvey was also the casting director, and he cast this young basketball player, Maurice Harris, who was his honeymoon during the filming.

The claim to fame to this movie was the casting of B- Western veteran Lee Morgan, who was just passing through and heard about the filming. After this movie was wrapped up, Boyette worked on a couple of more movies, and then worked in the comic book field. The magazines featuring Boyette's work included Eerie, Creepy. and Many Ghosts Of Dr. Graves.

Reading all this background information on this movie did intrigue me. From what I read, Boyette was quite effective with the use of gothic backgrounds. Gee, could the group have given me a good movie? The only thing to do now was to put the DVD in my DVD machine and play it.

The first thing that struck me is that the score kinda sounded like the score in mental hygiene films. Oh come on, you know what I'm talking about here! The movie opens up on the older man who is looking at the Fallon (his family) tapestry and talking about how it (and his family) is falling into decay. All of a sudden I am regretting challenging the group to find me a cheesy movie. The man starts writing his memoir, which means we are about to see a nearly 90-minute flashback.

So now we are getting into the flashback readers, as we see how the younger Fallon on a ship. The three- hour tour is not going too well for the weather started getting rough and the tiny ship (toy boat) was getting tossed. I really did not need to see that ship set rock back and forth! I stopped the DVD for a moment so I could settle my stomach, and then resumed watching the movie.

Well, young Fallon and the captain land on this island and they think they are the only survivors of that ill-fated tour. However, over in the water they spy something, it is Fallon’s big tapestry. The captain decided that it would make a great shelter and so they settle in for the night.

Don't you hate it when you get awakened in the middle of the night by a scream? Damn those noisy neighbors! The two decide to investigate in the morning, for tomorrow is another day.

Meanwhile, in another movie (it seemed like that, anyway), a very mad nobleman is having a heart-to- heart talk with his manservant. As he administers his nightly striking across the employee’s face, he settles down to have a hallucination. Yep, at this point readers we watch one of the trippier parts of the movie when the mad Count DeSade (pronounced DeSayd) has a conversation with this product of his deranged imagination. Gotta admit the negative image of the hallucination was an effective shot indeed. Too bad the scene with the cobra, a bat (on a string). and a huge spider wasn't that effective.

The Count believes that the hallucination is the result of a bit of rotted beef, a bad potato or drugged wine. The count eliminated the other causes and deduced that his wine was drugged, and went to go off and beat the hired help.

The next morning the Captain and Fallon are exploring the island. However it is not a fun hike, for they see the horribly mutilated body of a former passenger. Now they are truly the lone survivors of the wreck. The two go back on their hike but are stopped by a net. The Captain and Fallon manage to escape the net, but the Count's tall manservant knocks out the Captain. This viewer was then subjected to a spiral effect on the screen, making me a little ill again.  (Settle down, stomach!)

Our hero Fallon awakens in a room where a dark- haired beauty informs him that the Count is awaiting to meet him. Normally Fallon would be delighted by such a request, but this was a completely different thing. Fallon expressed concern for the captain who was bleeding on the floor, and asked if he could move him to his bed. Gee, didn't anyone tell this fellow how its usually not a good idea to move anyone with a head injury? How sporting of the Captain to lift himself as Fallon was picking him up and putting him on the bed.

So Fallon is led through the dark, spooky, cobweb filled hallways to the dining room to meet Count DeSade. When Fallon gets there, he greets the Count who reacts strangely! Gee, I guess the Count only likes to chat with hallucinations, eh? The Count then changes his mind and wants to have a nice long chat with Fallon that night. Fallon, however, is exhausted and expresses that point rather woodenly to the Count. (Okay readers, I'm not being mean, but Harvey's acting is so wooden he needs to be sprayed for termites.)

The raven-haired beauty, Cassandra, offers to walk him to his room down the dark hall but Fallon says he can go alone. As Fallon walks down the hall, he sees something odd on the floor, a trail of blood. He walks down the hall and sees that the trail of blood leads to his room! As you can imagine he is alarmed for his friend, the Captain, and he barges into the room only to find the Captain gone! Well, you can imagine Fallon was in a snit about this. I mean, how rude is it to kidnap his roommate while he was at supper!

Fallon then decides to express his displeasure to his host, only to find out that he has mysteriously disappeared into a wall. He finds Cassandra and demands to know where his host is, but she is being very mysterious and evasive about the whole matter. Cassandra does promise to tell him the truth in the morning while they share a conversation on the balcony that night.

Fallon returns to his room, discovering that the linens had been changed and there was a chocolate mint on the pillow (just kidding). However he was awakened in the middle of the night by his noisy neighbors who must have been into the fetish scene. Needless to say, he was disturbed by that image--after all he wasn't invited!

The next morning Fallon meets up with Cassandra so that she can tell him the whole story. Well, she shows him the portrait of the lovely Countess DeSade who was perfect in all ways except for one thing…she was a leper. In those days, anyone with that diagnosis was shunned and exiled from society, so the poor Countess was seemingly doomed to live the rest of her life alone. However the Count did not want that, and defied social convention by living on the island with her as long as she lived. This lovely story had a horrific ending for the wife continued to live, but went insane. She went so insane that the Count had to lock her up! Gee, isn't that pot calling the kettle black there?

Cassandra then went on to explain she, the manservant and the mute servant girl Anne were the only ones left with the mad Count. As if on cue, Anne arrives in the dining room and is startled by Fallon. Some time later, the skittish darling spills tea on Fallon, which nearly got her a stern reprimand from her employer Count DeSade.

However Fallon spoke up for the young lass, and persuaded the Count to go easy on the kid. Just then, the Count decides to collect on Fallon's promise of a long conversation, which makes Fallon overjoyed, indeed. Yes, that is sarcasm you read in that sentence.

Finally, Fallon gets away from the mad and long- winded Count and gets back  to his room for some well-deserved solitude. However, that moment is interrupted by the appearance of Anne who wants to give him…ah…room service (nudge, nudge, wink, wink). Fallon, being the gentleman turns down the offer from Anne but asks for another favor instead. He asks about the Captain, and if she has seen him. Well, thanks to Fallon's champion charade playing skills, he deduces that the Captain is chained up somewhere in the castle! He then asks the lovely Anne to help him with rescuing the Captain, and so off she goes.

Meanwhile the Captain is lying on his back in another part of the castle, but not on a bed but on a painful rack! Anne arrives in the secret room and grabs a nearby board and proceeds to knock the manservant out! Anne then proceeds to untie the ropes on the Captain and he is freed. Gee, maybe the movie will end soon right? Wrong!

The captain wilts like a girl nearly on top of poor little Anne. Just then Count DeSade shows up! Well, this does not make the Count happy at all! You see, readers, he has a think against all sailors, thinking them all to be pirates.

The Count is upset with Anne and has to severely reprimand her for letting his prisoner go. After all, one has to keep a firm hand on hired help, right?  So, he handles the situation like any employer displeased with an employee would do...he chains them to the rack and has drops of water pour on their head. Meanwhile. it has appeared that the Captain has died and he has his manservant verify it. Gee, where did this manservant get his medical training?

Meanwhile, in another part of the cardboard gothic castle, Fallon is waiting for Anne, but gets Cassandra instead. Cassandra then tells him she wants to leave the island with him and the two start to make plans. Unfortunately that little romantic moment is squelched by the arrival of mad ol' Count DeSade. To say the Count is displeased that hot Cassandra has decided to take up with Fallon over him is an understatement.

The Count then decides it is time to have Fallon meet the Countess in her lovely little dungeon boudoir. Now, as you all recall, the Countess has lost her youth, her beauty, and she's lost her mind. In fact, every night she walks around in her wedding gown imagining it to be her wedding night.

In normal circumstances, a man might be happy to help a lonely countess relieve the memories of her wedding night. However, considering that time and the disease has not been kind to the Countess, this is not one of those circumstances.

Readers, I have to say I squirmed and turned my head as I saw the Countess lift her veil. Curiosity made me look and I have to admit I regretted that. Boyette does get points for such a ghastly and creepy moment that made me a tad queasy again.

Just then the Countess hears someone call her name, and is delightfully surprised to see Cassandra! The delight is short lived when the Countess discovers the knife Cassandra shoved into her. Cassandra says it was a mercy killing, but I think its a messy one! Cassandra and the newly white haired Fallon run off together, trying to escape the mad nobleman. The two run into the night all over the island, crossing a river and eluding the Count's pack of dogs.  Gee, the last time I have seen a chase this slow it involved a white Ford Bronco.

Morning comes (even though some of the "night" scenes did look like day) and the Count is on the chase. However, his manservant falls down and won't get up. Well, this makes the Count very unhappy with his employee's work performance and disciplines him with a single gunshot. Damn, that Count is a strict boss! Finally, Fallon meets up with DeSade and they have a scuffle over the gun, which I find hard to fathom. After all, isn't Fallon younger then DeSade? Well, Fallon wins and they are freed from the curse or so it seems.

Cassandra and Fallon have a peaceful existence in the castle while waiting for the arrival of a ship to take them away. Sure, they were inconvenienced by the death of Anne, after all where could they get great help like that? The day comes and a ship is in the harbor and Fallon takes the reluctant Cassandra out to meet it. The lovers meet up with the sailors who take one look at them and utter a horrific word: "Lepers!"

The sailors make a beeline to the ship as Cassandra informs Fallon that they have indeed been infected with the dread disease.

The two lived in exile all those years on the island while Fallon hoped for someone else to get shipwrecked on the island like he was years ago. Gee, another bridge partner wouldn't be so bad, eh? Poor Cassandra had lost her beauty, some body parts, and her mind, and now she had to be locked away just as The Countess had years ago.

So, finally on this sad, sad note this movie finally ends!

Oh my God, what a depressing movie to start the year with! Although I did enjoy some of the sets and the miniature work on this movie, I had to admit I was stumped by it. And something tells me the movies are going to be worse for the rest of the year.