Horror Films We'd Like To See

With the current Hollywood establishment willing only to put its money on guaranteed box-office horror like SCREAM XL, there's a dearth of innovative horror and monster films in the multiplexes these days. But what if Hollywood was willing to expand it's horror film offerings? In that case, we might end up with...

(NOTE: Fallon Moore and his brother, Shane, were daydreaming one day about those horror film variations they'd love to see on the silver screen. Accordingly, they came up with the following "in development" movie posters and accompanying blurbs. We think their efforts will earn a chuckle (and maybe even a shudder) from HORROR-WOOD readers...)

When little Jeremy asks Santa for a 'Playstation' and receives a MOE doll instead, he becomes angry..so angry in fact that he does everything in his power to destroy the doll. He tortures it..neglects it..grabs it by the hair of the head and tosses it down a long flight of stairs. When this has no effect on his lasting anger, he slips into his Mothers' make-up kit and proceeds to deface the doll..over..and over..and over again. The ringing words from the wise old fool still ring in the back of his brain. "Treat him with respect!" bellows St. Nick. But what the creepy Santa at the Salvation Army failed to mention was that the doll is alive and kicking, with the spirit of MOE HOWARD himself, embedded deep within the plastic. Its' soul wrestling inside of its' toylike frame like a caged animal trying to break free...Moe comes to life and wreaks havoc on Jeremy and his entire family, leaving a bloody trail of carnage in his path before the night is over. Trying everything from gouging his eyes out with a hot poker to taking a vise to his head, Jeremy begins to run out of options as he fights for his life and the lives remaining in the 5-bedroom 3 1/2-bath townhouse by the beach. After failing to ignite Moe's bowl-shaped hairdo with paint thinner, Jeremy resorts to unleashing the family Rottweiler on the doll, in the hopes of slowing Moe down a bit. This doesn't work too well. In fact nothing works too well. For one thing little Jeremy doesn't know, is that this isn't any ordinary doll..this is MOE. And MOE has had enough. He's not gonna take it..any longer. Chills and thrills abound in this top-notch scarefest that has the critics raving. ROGER EBERT says,"..if not for the lousy popcorn, I would've had the perfect night of my life. Moe is one sick S.O.B!" And HOWARD STERN calls it "The most frightening time of my life..outside of wedlock. I recommend this to almost anyone." MOE will leave you breathless and riddled with goosebumps for the rest of the week. So don't miss this fright flick. See it today!

Lance Henrickson takes a break from Millennium to return to the big screen in what has been hailed as "The worst thing to hit the screen since Odorama. " WATERMELONHEAD tells the story of a curse gone wrong after a farmer loses his only dog to a carload of drunken cross-dressers cruising the highway in search of some idiot named 'Wong Foo'. They accidentally weave into the path of the dog lazily lounging by the side of the road and smack it dead on, pasting its' mangled carcass across the hot July pavement. This hideous display of irresponsible behavior thrusts their lives into a terror filled night they will never forget as their fate is placed in the hands of 'WATERMELONHEAD'. A creature summoned from the depths of hell and beneath the dirt of a cursed watermelon patch by the farmer looking to avenge his best friends' death. The creature is resurrected. A walking mix of everything in gods' creation and then some. It is released into the night, where it begins it's bloody rampage against the four transvestites responsible for this terrible tragedy. Lost..confused..and unaware of their doomed fate until it too late, these lipstick wearing misfits walk right into a world of never-ending horror. One by one they are slaughtered..spit on with slippery seeds..and downright soaked with the pink tinted juices that spew from the mouth of this hideous mistake by mother nature.Everything goes to plan until an old lady comes calling like a flame from the past..a debt owed from a distant life and reverses the curse to settle a score, thus turning the creature against its' originator. The farmer. It is then that the insane vegetable harvester realizes that the only thing worse than summoning WATERMELONHEAD..is having WATERMELONHEAD summoned on you! This film has everything. Sticky seeds, sticky juice and the ugliest thing ever to hit the silver screen since ROSEANNE BARR. It is one of the most talked about films in Hollywood today. People all over are walking out this piece of trash with one thing on their minds. Whether or not to sue for mental anguish. I'm sorry, but this film should be shelved along with the likes of TOMMY and THE FIRM (not horror but damn near close). Ike Turner as the creature is the only thing remotely convincing in this dreck. I didn't even like Shirley Maclaine. Her portrayal of 'The old lady' was so lightweight, it floated me right out of the theatre and right into my bathroom where I sat down, and proceeded to write this 'far too lengthy' review..uninterrupted..and undisturbed. The effects are so cheesy, I could've sworn I saw DOMINOES on the closing credits and Lance Henrickson seemed like he was sleepwalking through the whole thing. I'm sorry Lance but take some 'NO DOZE' or trying sucking down a 'JOLT' cola for crying out loud. Hey Lance, there's a big ugly creature standing behind you! It isn't worth a look..a peep..or even a curious glance. But nevertheless, if you want to see something that will make you laugh as much as cry, don't rent JERRY MAGUIRE for the 50th time..see WATERMELONHEAD. It'll just kill you.

At 'CHARON METALS,INC.' production is up and management is happy. Employees are receiving bonuses for the first time in 30 years and expansion ideas have created new positions within the organization, a sure sign for good things to come. Times couldn't be better for the small town of 'Slackerville'. But just as quick as the smiles are put on the faces of the townsfolk..they are ripped away and replaced with terror. For a new face has arrived and taken the vacant position of janitor in Plant #2. And that face..is fear. Fear in the shape of a mutant like deformity that calls himself 'Dale'. He pushes his broom like Dracula sucks his blood from his victims. Slow and with extreme caution. Always staring..always gazing..always drooling. Stalking anyone and everyone that crosses his path. And when the newest secretary finds herself accidentally locked inside the building overnight, the true face of horror flashes its' ugly face on her..in the form of 'Dale'. Her fight to stay alive starts at that moment.The only way for her to survive the night..is to avoid 'THE JANITOR'. Starring Paul Tubens as 'The Janitor', this fright flick has all the makings of a classic horror film all the way to very end. It's twists and turns will leave you dizzy with dementia..hazy with horrific hallucinations..and totally terrified for eternity. Nothing can prepare you for what your eyes will see so don't even try. Anything short of a heart attack just might be the biggest disappointment of your life. 'THE JANITOR' is good clean fun. Rush out and see it..today!

Thanks Fallon and Shane! We won't hold our breath for these flight-of-fancy fright flicks, but who knows? Perhaps a Hollywood producer will come across these film "treatments" and...end up needing treatment too!