First was created "Horror Films We'd Like To See," a horrible heap of movie posters for flicks we'd prefer to see at hell's cineplex rather than The Exorcist VII: Linda Blair's Bad Hair Day. Then someone decided the Monster needed a mate and thus was created "Bride Of Horror Films We'd Like To See." . But the Monster had a heir! Can you stand the horror of...
CONCEPT AND DESKTOP PUBLISHING BY FALLON R. MOORE
LINE ART BY SHANE MOORE
HANDYMAN
Created through ancient folklore and summoned only as a last resort, 'Handyman' is the legend nobody wants to hear, a myth buried beneath the rubble of 'JACKSON HEIGHTS'..a city housing project supposedly built in the late 1970's to give inner city families a chance to live, to work, and most of all..a chance to raise a family. The honest way. Unfortunately, for those who were too stupid to fall for such charity, this was anything but..a handout. This was a sick joke to keep the welfare dependants, the lowerclass citizens, at arms' length..away from the upperclass people and their 'upperclass image'. Bottom line..the program wasn't for the poor, but for the rich. Out of sight and out of mind was the thinking at City Hall, and a well-calculated one at that. For this project didn't just stop at the 'Gates of Hell'..it rambled through with cruelty and prejudice, and at the expense of those who had done nothing but fight to stay alive in this sick and twisted society we have wrapped ourselves in, over and over again. The idea was to build an apartment complex for the 'needy', in the cheapest way possible, sparing no feelings as to the ramifications that might occur in the long-term. Materials, refurbished from demolition sights were hauled in, secretly, to aid in the construction of this 'housing project', and workers hired from the streets, from the corners of liquor stores, and from bus-stops all over the city to lend a hand..to build in all honesty was nothing more than a Deathtrap. The project went forward, and was completed on time for almost nothing, leaving the rest of the already inflated 'budget' to go in the pockets of the wealthy politicians and whoever else managed to slip in a few for themselves, just for 'the hell of it'.
Project complete, end of story. Until 3 months later, when a serious collapse of a second floor bathroom, caused the deaths of many crack addicts and wino's who were unlucky enough to have been gathered inside of a tenants' apartment, when this ordeal took place, setting off a chain reaction leading all the way down to the basement. Trying so desperately to cover up the mess, the city officials responsible for the accident in the first place begin to wrap a bandaid around the wound that has left many dead, many homeless and others injured. Of course following the guidlines of their own 'book of running a city'..cutting corners comes in to play one last time, as they enlist the help of a retired 'handyman' who happens to be deaf in one ear, to try and repair the damages. With his toolbox in hand he enters the 'demolition sight' with little knowledge of the dangers that surround him, on both sides and from above. He approaches the gaping hole with utter silence, speechless for search of a better word, and does nothing but stare..up through the hole, at a half-naked hispanic man hanging from a showerhead, suspended over 100 feet of rubble. But before a single move can be made, a loud, ignorant and extremely annoying 'yenta' walks onto the scene. With a stopped up sink, and a complete unawareness of what had just happened, the middle-aged woman shrieks at the top of her lungs the infamous words..HANDYMAN. Not hearing her of course, the 'handyman' responds with nothing, causing her to repeat the words..and in the same fashion, over and over and over again, 15 times to be exact..until the vibrations manage to shake loose, whatever debris still clinging to whatever it was that had hold of it to begin with, right on top of the poor old man, killing him instantly with not as much as a warning. And so the legend goes...Anyone who dare say his name 15 times, within the ghostly confines of the hollow structure that still stands, will get more than what they bargained for.
Enter Helen Auschwitz(Barbara Streisand), a newly elected female mayor who with complete ignorance of the history behind 'Jackson Heights', decides to keep a promise she made before being elected..and that was to rebuild the complex and to make it livable for any and all citizens who wish to live there. When she tries to subcontract the work out, she has no luck..all who are approached are deathly afraid of the legend and the bad luck it brings from within, and vow not to go within 1000 feet of the site. So, when a friend decides to tell her of the legend surrounding the building, she scoffs and is willing to prove to all who believe the myth, that 'HANDYMAN' is nothing but that..a legend..a myth conjured up by those who wish not to draw attention to their little community, so as they can continue to sell their drugs and commit their crimes without fear of the law intervening. No cops will come..and no cops ever will..as long as the structure remains and the legend still exists. Those who hide behind graffiti covered walls know this. With little hesitation, Helen moves forward with her proposal and enters the building alone. Doing the unthinkable, she begins to chant the name of 'HANDYMAN'..over and over again, almost convinced of what she had already believed to be true. Until...the 15th time. And like the whisper in the bathroom stall..he appears!
Nothing I say can explain the true horror of this film, and the feeling I had crawling up the back of my spine while viewing it. But I will mention this...you will never look at an inner city housing complex again, that's for sure. It is something to be experienced, in order to fully realize it's full impact, and whether or not lives will be changed as a result of this, I can only say this..
Believe what you feel to be true, and not what someone else feels to be true..you'll live longer.
THE HOG
John Carpenter returns to the genre that had been so kind to him in the late 70's and early 80's, and brings with him a message to those who have doubted his ability to assemble a quality film that screams out at the audience and not down at them. This is that film. A follow-up to 'The Fog' and an excellent one at that, 'The Hog' falls into the same category. Two hundred plus years ago on the 27th of November, a ship resembling the Queen Mary full of starving passengers, searches for a light or something to guide them through a heavy fog bank, or so they think. In actuality it is a billowey cloud of smoke, resulting from a campfire built by a group of stranded pilgrims who have attempted to make this their last day together, before leaving the area and searching for a better place. The occasion being a celebration of life, to give thanks for the blessings they have received, which later would be recognized as Thanksgiving Day. The smoke carries out to sea, and blinds the crewmembers onboard, causing the ship to be lead astray..away from their present course and in the direction of the campfire on shore, leading them straight into the rocks..yada yada yada yada. The ship smashes into the jagged rocks, splintering the entire front and sending the starved passengers into the frozen sea to die a horrific death..drowning at the bottom of the ocean without a fighting chance and without a hot meal to combat their hunger. The crew dies..and the rest is history.
Now after all those years, in the small fishing village of Spiral Point, the Captains' ghost of the ship that met its' fate outside the shores of Latino Bay, has returned to seek revenge on the 'Thanksgiving' celebration that had caused the death of his crew and himself. This celebration being the annual 'Pilgrimage Dinner' put on by the SONS OF KATIE ELDER organization for the elderly, in memory of Lt. James Hogwell, the captain of the ship, and his crewmembers who 'died while searching for a new world'. A memorial to be erected in front of the City Hall building, bearing the name of 'Hogwell' and the others who suffered the same fate on that tragic night, is just the beginning of the towns' forgiveness for what had happened. Unfortunately, for Lt. Hogwell, it just isn't enough. Returning to the shores that caused him to leave this world prematurely, and on an empty stomache to boot..Hogwell has alot of catching up to do. 200+ years to be exact. And on this night of all nights..no dinner table..no refrigerator will be safe from...'THE HOG'.
Jamie Lee Curtis returns in this sick and twisted take on one of our most cherished holidays, and she does so with a hearty appetite. I think she gained an extra 20 pounds filming this film, but that's what they call sacrifices. John Carpenter directs with his usual style, flashes of The Thing and Halloween are mixed in to create flavor and I was impressed with his use of tableware to create a sense of anxiety in one particular scene, one of which I will not mention. But all in all, 'THE HOG' works as a variety of films..on a variety of levels and that's what is important, not giving thanks to the unknown because of a tradition, but to give thanks for something much more meaningful..like life..and survival. If you are looking for a metaphor to describe the insecurities of society itself and how it must constantly apologize for history it can not possibly change, then this is that film. Carpenter doesn't take us by the hand and lead us into the madness..he merely starts the engine, gives it a push..and allows us to navigate through it. Marvelous film-making from a talented man, light years ahead of his generation. I enjoyed everything about it, including the food..a complete delight.
MOE'S REVENGE
You thought the terror was over, but you were wrong...'the bowl'' is back!
The terrible ordeal that took place at the Rydell residence was classified as a mystery..a case that could not be solved. Little Jeremy survived, but rambled on about a 2 foot doll that came to life and murdered his entire family, including the dog. No one believed the story, prompting social services to deliver Jeremy to a Pediatric Mental Institution for evaluation, thus closing the book on the mysterious rampage that took place that night. But what they didn't know..what they couldn't have imagined..was that Jeremy was telling the truth. And that 'the doll'..was alive. Somewhere in the house, hidden away..stuffed in a box somewhere high on a shelf and waiting for another chance to strike. It's 3 months later, and a new family has moved into the neighborhood and into the same house that was left vacant, after the Rydell's untimely exit..The Lomax family, a group of wild childs stuck in the sixties and still feeling the effects. Jimmy, the youngest of the 5 children, stumbles upon Moe while searching for matches and decides to have a little fun. But what was fun..is now done, as Moe comes to life one more time to defend his pride and to wreak havoc in a night full of acid trips and bong hits. And when the purple haze clears..only one will be left standing. No one messes..with 'the bowl'!
A decent sequel that lives up to the first, MOE'S REVENGE takes the formula from the original and mixes it up..with more thrills and more chills and more pills. Jeanuck Pallyvoofrance and his camera work leaves much to the imagination, forcing the audience to guess when the action is going to take place and how, by keeping the angles offbalanced and unsteady, something rare in this business. Also, the wide lens helped make Moe look chunkier, which increased the intimidation factor by two..also a wise move. Suggesting that they make another sequel would be far out of my journalistic jurisdiction, but if they do..I won't object. These films are fun and scary to watch, and in this day and age of 'scareless' horror films I find the Moe series as refreshing as an ocean breeze. Good luck Moe..go kick some ass!
SICKO THE KLOWN
Binko the Clown(Louie Anderson), America's most loved buffoon, has decided to throw one last bash before retiring from the entertainment business for good. His career has left him a tired man and his antics has left him partially paralyzed in one leg and stricken with arthritis in the other, not counting the many broken bones over the course of 30 years. The children who have loved him, the parents who have adored him and the other clowns who have respected him over the years, are all sad to see him go. The end of an era is at hand, and america is idle with grief. So to make it all worthwhile to everyone, to really go out with a big bang..Binko the Clown will draw one lucky childs' name from his withered blue cap and that name will experience a party like no other in the entire world, has ever experienced. A spectacular event, which will be televised on Pay-TV throughout the whole world, for all to see. And at the end of all this, Binko the Clown will allow the lucky child to choose one balloon from his bunch of 'magic balloons' to release into the sky..setting it free to be you and me or some horseshit! This all sounds good but what they forgot to tell Binko is that Karl Klouse, a convicted murderer responsible for the mutilations of over a hundred circus folk has just escaped from the Maximum Security Penitentiary of Alabama and is currently at large..the rest of the plot..I think you can figure out on your own.
Danny Devito puts in a hell of a performance as Klouse, which is more than I can say for Louie Anderson. Devito's portrayal of a sick murderer has got to make him a front runner in this years' Oscar race. The twitches, the gestures, the facial expressions, the idiosynchracies, everything combined makes for an exceptional performance. In a particular scene I found quite amusing yet deeply disturbing, is when Binko..unaware that he is being watched by Karl through a vent in the restroom, starts a conversation while presuming to be alone and finishes it, all while sitting on a toilet in full makeup and costume. An utterly haunting image. Of course I won't give away any details of what happens next, but I'm sure if you have any kind of sense you might figure it out without my help. The story is good, for about two thirds of the way, and then it falls apart. I'd say just after Karl gets rid of Binko and assumes his identity..OOPS I GAVE AWAY PLOT DETAILS..SHAME ON ME! Anyway, it turns into another slasher flick with children running every which way, trying to escape the sick and twisted fantasies of SICKO THE KLOWN. I didn't buy the ending, and I will not buy the video. Give Devito an A+ for his performance, but hand down an F to the writers for not following through with their first intentions. I'm sorry, but it would've worked better if there were more..clowns in the film.
Thanks again, Fallon and Shane! It just goes to prove that the dearth of horror at the movies is largely due to the fact that the movie moguls spend too much time reading "Variety" and not enough time reading us! Cheers!
Article copyright (c) Fallon R. Moore and Shane Moore
