It has a ridiculous title, a brainless plot, poor acting, lousy editing, almost no pacing...yet it lives and lives in the hearts of cult film fans.  Truly, Ray Dennis Steckler's little stinker has become...

By CRYSTAL GUILLORY

Well, with a title like this do I really need to write anymore about this movie?

After all, the whole plot seems to be described in that title alone. The title, which can give any hearty typist a mean case of carpal tunnel syndrome. Alas, since I have to have a certain amount of words in this article I will have to talk at length about this odd little film.  (It was re-released as Teenage Psycho Meets Bloody Mary for the drive-ins with live monsters attacking patrons--as if the movie wasn't enough of an attack on the audience.)

This piece of cinema has been well-known among cult film and B-movie fans for years thanks to works like The Golden Turkey Awards, It Came From Hollywood, and Incredibly Strange Film Show. To say the least. this movie is a great big hulk of cinematic cheese! Believe it or not, I mean that as a compliment.

To better prepare you for the pain that is the plot (plot?? plot?? what's that???) I will give a brief overview of the characters.

First there is Jerry,(who is played by the director, Ray Dennis Steckler) the crabby focal beatnik of this flick (for your information, beatnik was the Fifties and early Sixties forerunner of slacker). Jerry is a person that believes that getting a job and earning pay and respect would be oh, so depressing, and you know that would just ruin his cheery disposition. (Hmmm better get a mop for the sarcasm I just dripped) This fellow must have a closet full of navy blue hooded sweatshirts and jeans, or he wears the same outfit for days. This is a fellow who's idea of a wild time is to go to a cheesy carnival.

Then there is Angie, his faithful and co-dependent girlfriend. This is someone who finds this fellow with no future fun and adventurous. She is thrilled that he takes her to places she has never been before, such as a cheap carnival.   Marge the alcoholic "dancer" (you have to see her dancing to see why I give that quotes folks), the only person I know that could make Chyna the wrestler look feminine. This is a gal who has eerie premonitions of something evil after her,bringing on her doom. Hmmm, could it be the director (he was marr8ied to her at the time)?

Madam Estrella, Ortega, and Carmelita form the trio of doom in this feature. Madam Estrella is the fortune teller who has a secret in the back room (*hint* it has something to do with the title). Ortega is her faithful assistant  who somehow reminded me of Torgo from Manos The Hands Of Fate (perhaps they are kin?). Carmelita is the beautiful gypsy "stripper" who recruits new pets for the fortune teller.

The carnival, while it is not a living being, is every much a character in this movie. Stock footage of the characters taking rides all day long pad this feature. In fact, this movie has more padding in it than a girl on prom night. While there were some films that effectively showed the creepy surreal side of a carnival (the masterpiece Carnival Of Souls come to mind), this movie just uses the carnival  and its acts (such as the non-stripping strippers, singers and comedians) as filler.

Okay, now that you know the main characters I can talk about the movie now.  We first meet one of the characters, Madam Estrella, as she is about to get romantic with a salesman. The salesman (who is not such a great catch either) spurns her advances, (perhaps he saw the mole on her face move?) and that makes Madam very upset. Instead of handling rejection like a real woman, with a hot bath and a pint of ice cream, she summons Ortega to help her take care of him. It is then she pours something on the man's face, causing the salesman to writhe in pain.

It is after this scene we are "treated" to Marge and her dance partner dancing. The number is over, and Marge completely freaks out at seeing a cat in her room. Her boss shoos the black cat away, and gives her a stern lecture on the evils of strong drink. She answers this by having a few more belts of the stuff.   At this time we meet Jerry and his buddy, Harold (the spellbindingly awful Atlas King), as they discuss the depression of the world. The two drive off to pick up Angie for a day of whirlwind fun.

Meanwhile Angie is having a heart to heart talk with her mother about Jerry. The mother is being so square by being concerned that Jerry has no education and no future, while Angie is just concerned with going to places she "never dreamed of" and having fun with Jerry. Take note fellas, having no job or education along with a limited wardrobe makes you a chick magnet! The three frolic along, until they arrive at a place Angie has never dreamed of--the carnival. They spend all day there, riding the rides, running along the beach and using up more stock footage.

At this time Marge does her act again, and it is apparent that she is even drunker than before. Her boss gives her a stern warning to straighten up, so she looks at an astrology magazine. Apparently this gave her the idea to go see the local fortune teller Madam Estrella. She goes in her "Holly Golightly" costume to see about her fortune. Madam reads a set of coasters (okay, they are cards but so help me they look like coasters) for her, and Marge freaks out when she sees the death coaster. Marge is so upset she runs into the secret room where Madam keeps her "pets", and that causes Marge to run out screaming again.

At this point Madam decides to give fate a helping hand. The trio literally run into Marge, or it is she that runs into them as she is getting out of the tent. The three are intrigued and decide to go in. Madam gives Angie a palm reading, revealing that she will marry a man her mother did not approve of. However it is the vision in the crystal ball that is the most disturbing, for she sees someone close to Angie dying. To make things worse, she does not get any reading for Jerry's future. Jerry being the clueless wonder he is, is not freaked out about that. However Madam decides on who will help her give fate a push.

The three then go outside, where a barker talks about the pavilion of women. He then introduces the stripper, Carmelita. who locks eyes with Jerry in such a way that it makes her girlfriend jealous that she does not have an oily T-zone. Jerry wants to go to the show, Angie does not. So Angie goes home and Jerry does the gallant thing of having his friend bring her home so he can watch the strippers. Amazingly enough, there was very little stripping in this show, more pageantry and dancing (it was billed as "the first monster musical," after all). The exotic Carmelita comes on stage with her oh so sensual act (ohhh, can you smell the sarcasm?) while Madam's servant Ortega gives a note from Carmelita to meet her in her dressing room.

Jerry goes to Carmelita's room, thinking perhaps that she has a yen for beatniks in blue-hooded sweatshirts. Carmelita then tells him to go behind the curtain, there waiting for him is a "beeg speening wheel" and Madam Estrella who hypnotizes him. With the skillful use of the power of suggestion, she gives her demands to Jerry.   Just then, Marge and her dancing partner go on stage. Marge has decided to clean up her act, change her costume and as a result her dancing is a little bit better. However this does not matter for the newly zombified (ta-da) Jerry stabs her to death. Somehow this blue sweatshirt wearing freak escapes capture.

Jerry then has a disturbing dream with the dancing women with painted faces and arms outstretched. He tosses and turns all night long. By late morning he goes over to Angie's house to talk about last night. After Angie gives him a few catty remarks, she spins her umbrella like a wheel to punctuate the cattiness. This causes a reaction in Jerry she would not expect. Jerry then strangles her, for he is having a flashback thinking he is seeing the girl he killed.

Angie's family comes to the rescue and Jerry is on the run.   Jerry runs through the city and goes back to the carnival to find some answers. He forcefully confronts Carmelita, who then tells him to go behind the curtain. Jerry once again proves what a clueless person he is by going behind the curtain, meeting up with Madam and her amazing spinning wheel. He then gets instructions to take care of a dancer who earlier questioned Madam about Marge's death. Jerry is hypnotized and murders the dancer and her date that evening.

Jerry returns back to Madam's place, it is then he gets rewarded by having acid splashed on his face and becoming one of her zombies. However as he is shown to his new room by Ortega, the other zombies leap out. The zombies then kill their captors and wreak havoc on the carnival (especially the dancers doing that God-awful zombie stomp). Just then Jerry's friends arrive at the carnival just in time to see some of the carnage. Then they see the last zombie to leave the cage, Jerry.

He stumbles out of the window, running to the beach. He then leads the policeman and his friends on a long pointless chase. For no reason he climbs to the top of the rocks, but is shot down by the policeman. The camera then pulls back on this tragic scene on the beach, leaving us to wonder what was the point of this whole film?

Well, this is the point I gathered from the movie. Don't go to fortune tellers with huge moles with a sister who works as a stripper, or you will be a zombie.  This may not be as important as the Golden Rule, but it is a final point to think about.

(Crystal Guillory is vice-president of the New Orleans Worst Film Festival.  Click here to read more about it.  You can contact Crystal personally here.)

Thanks, Crystal.  Too bad there isn't an addendum to the Golden Rule: Make films for others that you would want to watch yourself.  That might well have stopped "Cash Flagg" cold back in 1964.

Arttcle copyright © Crystal Guillory.

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