Confessions Of A "Plan 9" Fan

Poor Tor...

"I was scared for the same reason that some people viewing this movie were scared, the idea of the dead coming back to life...That only lasted a few seconds and then I was able to riff the movie like everyone else."

Poor Tor...

If you're going to watch a bad movie, why not watch one that's so bad, it's beautiful? That's what Crystal did, and as a result, we can enjoy her...

CONFESSIONS OF A "PLAN 9" FAN

By CRYSTAL GUILLORY

It is the nightmare of every mother that her daughter will follow her friends down the wrong path. That the person will succumb to the peer pressure and join her cronies in pursuit of new kicks and thrills. Such was my fate, for because of my group I became a fan of (cue dramatic music here)...Plan 9 From Outer Space.

It all started innocently enough all those years ago. I had just met this cool group of people and began hanging out with them on the weekends. When we got together we'd watch movies, old cartoons, listen to music and read aloud passages from books. One book in particular that we would read passages out of was the Medved Brother's The Golden Turkey Awards. Many horrific films were described in here, some which we seen by us and some who we have never heard of before and were possibly fictitious. However, there was one that got our attention, "the worst film of all time," Ed Wood's anti-classic Plan 9 From Outer Space.

Not sure what it was that attracted us to this movie. Sure it won (?) the title of "worst movie" but there were other factors to consider. One factor that got our attention was the description of the stellar special effects such as the paper plate flying saucers (which had all too visible strings) and tombstones that fall over with no problem. Could it have been the bizarre anecdote on how Ed Wood used the Bela Lugosi footage from Tomb Of The Vampire (which Lugosi died during the filming of) and used his girlfriend's chiropractor (Dr. Tom Mason) for the close-up scenes (even if he was taller and had lighter hair)? Perhaps the description of Ed Wood directing the movie in women's clothes and heels?

It's too late now...

However, I think the selling point was the lines from the poetry of Criswell's narration: "Future events such as these will affect you in the future," and the brilliant reasoning of a police officer "Inspector Clay is dead. Murdered. And somebody's responsible!" Actually, it hard to say what interested us.

Then came the word that Plan 9 From Outer Space will be playing at the Pitt Cinema on Halloween weekend. Everyone else was making plans to go see this movie...then all eyes were on me. Here was my big decision. Was I to go along with the crowd and face the worst movie of all time or will I resist the peer pressure. I was in a moment of thinking when I heard myself say:

"Sure."

Before long, it was Halloween weekend and my date and I went to see Plan 9 From Outer Space I considered backing out but then I saw my friends, so then I had to go through with this or be thought of as chicken. So I held my breath and walked into the theater ready to face my doom. The lights grew dark in the theater, and I knew it was too late to turn back now.

Tor Johnson and Vampira...

The audience cheered as the credits rolled past and the big looming figure of Criswell began his narration. He tells the tale based on "sworn testimony" about two aliens, Eros (Dudley Manlove) and Tanna (Joanna Lee), sent by their leader (John "Bunny" Breckinridge) to destroy Earth. The plucky aliens do not get disappointed by the fact that their past eight plans have failed. They resort to using Plan 9, the resurrection of the dead. The alien duo set up shop in a Californian cemetery.

Meanwhile the Pentagon has been getting nervous about all the flying saucers buzzing about so they send their best man, Col. Edwards (Tom Keene) to investigate after the army stock footage fails to get rid of the aliens. Meanwhile the young couple who live at the edge of the cemetery, Paula and Jeff Trent (Mona McKinnon and Gregory Walcott), notice that something odd is going on. Hmmm...perhaps the glowing lights are a clue. Jeff is a pilot who has seen the saucers but is kept quiet by "army brass."

PLAN 9 "FLUBS"

(We are indepted to Dauber for the following famous 73 filmic flubs in Plan 9 From Outer Space. The numbers indicate the time in the film where the errors occur.)

[0:00:14] Jump cut
[0:00:31] Criswell redundancy: "Future events such as these will affect you in the future."
[0:01:16] Criswell is obviously reading a cue card.
[0:02:45] The priest at the funeral never opens his mouth to say a word.
[0:02:45] Criswell's narration says it's sundown, but it's obviously broad daylight.
[0:04:15] The controls in the cockpit are obviously fake.
[0:04:46] Boom mic shadow is easily seen.
[0:05:42] The string holding the flying saucer is visible.
[0:05:50 and many other occurrences] The flying saucers wobble as if being hung by a string.
[0:06:00] Stock footage shows a completely different cemetery.
[0:06:27] It's dark in the cemetery, but the sun shines outside of the cemetery.
[0:07:00] Criswell redundancy: "The grief...became greater and greater agony."
[0:07:09] Criswell redundancy: "The home that they shared together..."
[0:08:02] Criswell redundancy: "...never to return again."
[0:08:03] When Bela Lugosi walks off the screen, it's obviously a freeze frame--the swaying tree suddenly freezes.
[0:08:03] Even though the old man walks into the street and gets hit by a car, his shadow is still on the ground!
[0:08:19] Criswell hesitates, as if he momentarily loses his place on the cue card.
[0:08:20] Isn't the old man's wife rather young for him?
[0:08:39] A man at the old man's funeral says that it's "getting dark." Getting? It's already pitch black!
[0:08:49] A woman at the funeral screams--and by gum, the sound travels so slow that it picks up in mid-scream!
[0:09:13] Night changes to day.
[0:09:25] Day changes to night.
[0:09:25] Seems to me that the tombstones are WAY too close together for there to be room for bodies!
[0:09:39] Clay briefly forgets his line: "Medical, uhhh....examiner been 'round yet?"
[0:10:10] Really bad jump cut.
[0:12:21] "You mean the kind [of flying saucers] from up there?" No, the other kind of flying saucers!!!!
[0:12:27] Jeff describes the flying saucers as "cigar-shaped!" (For those of you who haven't seen the movie--they're saucer-shaped!)
[0:13:13] A strong wind from the flying saucer's exhaust is strong enough to blow Jeff and Paula to the ground, but not strong enough to move their hair!
[0:13:35] Someone trips over a tombstone and causes it to wobble.
[0:14:28] The zombi-fied old man is obviously a stand-in for Bela Lugosi, as a) he has more hair than Bela did, b) he's much taller, c) he's thinner, and d) holds his cape over his face to [very badly] hide the fact that he's NOT Bela! [This stand-in will from here on be referred to as "Dr. Tom."]
[0:15:13] Zombie Vampira flinches when Inspector Clay fires at her.
[0:16:07] The detective scratches himself with the barrel of his loaded gun.
[0:16:50] The priest at Clay's funeral is obviously reading from a cue card.
[0:18:10] The flying saucer is flying low. Really low.
[0:19:10] The rockets seem to all explode in exactly the same place in the sky, with the power and longevity of exploding firecrackers.
[0:20:01] There’s a small mysterious black piece of fuzz in the "sky."
[0:20:38] An example of Ed Wood's trademarked idiotic dialog: "Visits? That would indicate visitors!"
[0:21:42] The planet is obviously an inflatable toy.
[0:21:55] Criswell makes a brief--and useless--narration: "What will be their next move?"
[0:22:44] The leader of the so-called advanced race of aliens completely misuses the word "resurrection."
[0:23:27] Why does the leader use earth days when instructing on when to meet him again?
[0:24:19] The flying saucers cast huge shadows as they leave their "planet."
[0:28:10] Day changes to night.
[0:31:49] Night changes to day.
[0:32:39] Two different screams come from Paula's mouth at the same time!
[0:32:55] Zombie Clay struggles to get out of his grave.
[0:32:58] Bad film edit.
[0:33:50] Dr. Tom makes a tombstone wobble.
[0:34:02- 0:35:53] Day/night inconsistency--10 times!
[0:37:05] Clay, who's supposed to be 100% dead [??] while the electrode gun isn't on him, blinks his eyes.
[0:38:07] Jump cut.
[0:40:17] While Kelton is in Clay's opened grave, the tombstone that fell in a few scenes earlier isn't there.
[0:40:17] Clay was obviously not "six feet under," as when Kelton stands up, he's only knee-deep.
[0:43:35] How did that reverb effect get on Eros's voice during the recording?
[0:43:55] Redundancy: "Eons of your years ago..."
[0:45:03] "Atmospheric conditions in outer space..." Huh????
[0:48:43] "Electrode" gun implies that it has no mechanical parts. So how can it jam? And if Eros and his race are supposedly so far advanced, why don't they design a gun that won't jam????
[0:49:13] The re-deadened Clay's shoulders move as he breathes.
[0:49:30] Clay blinks.
[0:51:21] The flying saucers are making noise--in outer space!!
[0:51:33] Thanks to a bad edit, a car materializes out of nowhere.
[0:51:44] Day changes to night.
[0:52:50] Colonel Edwards arrives at Jeff and Paula's house with the detective, but he wasn't in the car when it pulled up!
[0:54:54] After knocking out Kelton, Dr. Tom adjusts his cape.
[0:55:14] After Dr. Tom disintegrates, all that's left is his cape. Does that mean that the old man was buried nude except for a cape?
[0:58:41] It's four o'clock when Jeff and the detective enter the ship. How do we know this? There's a clock on the wall inside!
[1:01:50] When the inner door of the spaceship opens, light shines on the wall. But when the outer door is open, Jeff and the detective look into total darkness.
[1:05:33] Eros calls a firecracker a "harmless explosive," despite the fact that thousands of people get seriously injured by them.
[1:05:59] Eros flubs his line.
[1:10:00] Eros says that his race doesn't "cling to life." Then why is he so hung up about saving everybody?
[1:11:20] One window inside the spaceship shows a cloudy afternoon sky. The window next to it shows darkness.
[1:13:21] Why does the Zombie Clay get distracted when hit by a stick, yet bullets don't seem to bother him?
[1:17:25] Criswell obviously reads from a cue card.

The two aliens set upon their plans, not disheartened that only three (Bela Lugosi/Dr. Tom Mason, Vampira, and Tor Johnson) have been raised. Then, Paula is kidnapped so Jeff and company have their climatic confrontation with the aliens. There, Eros explains solarmanite and Jeff saves Earth with a good right hook. The heroes huddle together as the burning spaceship flies overhead and explodes.

While the movie was running my friends and I made our quips and comments like the other patrons in the theater. I joined along in there, after all this is the worst movie of all time. However, something happened at one point that I did not mention to my friends at that time and to very few people over the years about the reaction I had at one point. Well, the truth is I was creeped out in some places. (Waits until you stop laughing and shaking your head in disbelief.)

The "Plan 9" UFOs...

I was scared for the same reason that some people viewing this movie were scared, the idea of the dead coming back to life. I let myself get a little wrapped up in this movie, and I allowed myself to get scared at the whole idea. That only lasted a few seconds and then I was able to riff the movie like everyone else.

Since then I had found out some interesting things about the movie. Such as the fact that it was fully financed by a Baptist church, with the idea that they would take the profits from this one movie and make religious pictures from then on. In doing that, Ed and his crew became baptized members of that church as well. I also found out about the original title, Grave Robbers From Outer Space which was changed by the distributor much to Ed Wood's dismay. It was then sold as part of a TV horror-movie package when it would be shown late at night. Thanks to the Medved brothers and David Lettermen who had use bits from the movie in the early days of his show, Plan 9 From Outer Space gained a cultish following.

I too decided to spread the word about Plan 9 in my own way. When the movie come on TV or tape, I take a moment to point out the different bloopers such as the day and night confusion in some scenes, the disappearing/reappearing Santa Fe map in the General's office and Paula Trent's disappearing slippers. With glee I'd also point out the actors obviously reading their lines, flubbing lines and tripping over the cardboard tombstones. With that and the dialogue, how can you miss? I showed this movie to some people, one of which is my mother. For some reason she denies seeing that movie.

"Bunny" Breckenridge, Joanna Lee, and Dudley Manlove...

Years pass, and my cool group of friends form the festival known as the New Orleans Worst Film Festival. We were trying to choose the worst of the worst for that first year, so it was only natural that we showed Plan 9 From Outer Space. Because of an article in The Times Picayune that talked about our festival and it talked at length about Plan 9 From Outer Space, people were coming in droves that night to see this. They were as curious as the naive 18-year-old girl those many years ago. There was a silence in the theater as Criswell read his opening speech, or could it have been stunned silence? Eventually people laughed, said lines, and threw the paper plates we provided at the flying saucer scenes. I dare say Ed would have been very proud indeed.

PLAN9K~2.jpg (11912 bytes)

So there you have it, my story about me and Plan 9. This was my first bad film so it always has a special place in my heart (or should I say spleen?), It has introduced me to a life of offbeat films and festivals and interesting people to talk to. So I do not regret my decision to follow the gang that night into that theater at all.

That is my "sworn testimony" and I am sticking to it.

PLAN9C~1.jpg (9369 bytes)

(By the way, we are showing Plan 9 From Outer Space on October 29th at Movie Pitchers in New Orleans. The charge is $6 and a sack of food for the Second Harvesters Food Bank. Contact us for details. Also on Sunday, December 5th at 2:30, we will have a toy and food drive with a showing of Santa Claus Conquers The Martians. Another $6 and a sack of food for Second Harvesters and a toy for the toy drive. It is at Movie Pitchers in New Orleans as well.)

Thanks, Crystal, for describing your, er, condition. There is treatment for "plan9ophilia," but it involves burning an angora sweater or something. Cheers!

Article copyright Crystal Guillory

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