"Ah, I am sure Linda would not put her patrons through that kind of torture. Would she?"

You know, it's great how the video and DVD boom has unearthed so many obscure horror and monster movies.  Yes sir, it seems that every cockamamie fright flick has been uncovered, and...well maybe it's not such a great thing if it means we're subjected to dreck like...

By CRYSTAL GUILLORY

It was a balmy April night when I met my good friend Ida at one of our favorite haunts, Voodoo Pizza (slogan: "We'll put a spell on you"). It is a funky kind of place where one can get a great pizza and watch some cool videos on the big screen TV.

The owner, Linda Laveau (no relation to Marie, *I think*), is a big horror movie fan which explains the name of the place as well as the interesting decor of voodoo dolls and horror movie memorabilia. Adding to the atmosphere of the place were the events she had there once a month, a video that was introduced by a horror host!

Yes, that is what brought me out on this rather warm night in suburbia was to see a movie hosted by a horror host. Of course I had seen hosts perform live at the New Orleans Worst Film Festival over the past few years, but this time it was someone else organizing the show! I was curious as to who was going to be doing the introducing that night, I wondered if it was going to be one of the members of the horror host underground network.

I met up with Ida at the door and we walked into the pizzeria. Linda was busy scurrying about getting things ready for the show, but took a moment to wave "hi" to us.

We sat down and got ready to order our food and I was amazed when I saw the title of the movie that was to be shown that night.

"Oh man, where did they find this movie?"

My friend Ida look puzzled at my comment.

"Ida, this movie is a long lost large creature movie that came out in the Fifties. It was so obscure only a few stills and references to it remain of it until now. I've always wondered why that is?"

I noticed Ida shivering to herself. "Oh no.. not again! Remember you and I were dragged to see that dreadful movie about the monster rabbit and chocolate eggs? That movie put me off chocolate for nearly a week...well, nearly a day to be honest."

"Ah, I am sure Linda would not put her patrons through that kind of torture. Would she?"

I looked on the program and saw who was going to be introducing this movie tonight. "Oh wow, Lon Madnight is introducing the movie tonight!"

Ida gave me another puzzled look and I showed her the bio on Lon. He used to be one of the creatures at "Terror On Church Street" in Orlando during its run.Now he was looking to do some hosting gigs when Linda booked him. However my explanation was interrupted by this booming laugh, and I knew our host was here.

He was a striking figure standing just about six feet tall and dressed in mostly black. His makeup was a cross between death's head and a grinning clown, which made him have a sinister and comical look at the same time. He talked with Linda and was mingling about with the people there that night. Pretty soon he came by the table where Ida and I were sitting.

"Good evening Mr. Madnight, and how are you this tonight?"

"Splendid, from all the rumors," he responded, and a gleam came to his eye that hinted he was only joking a little. He took my hand, saying, "Greetings, Ghoulette, so nice to see you in a sitting position," and again the rumbling laugh. "I hope you're ready to duck and cover," he added cryptically.

Our banter with him was short since he had to introduce the feature that night, so he excused himself and proceeded to the stage. The lights dimmed and the chatter round the room quelled. With a slight hiss the sound system came to life, and a deep, bass voice intoned "Deadbeat!"

And with that the twangy strains of "Deadbeat" by The Ghastly Ones filled the room. The laugh we had heard before spilt the air again, only this time the glasses on the tables shivered from its volume. Like the flap of a great batwing Lon took the stage.

"Greetings Ghoulies and Ghoulettes!" he called. "Welcome to the Voodooo Pizza Double Cheesy Movie Night!" The crowd whistled and hooted. "Nice to see so many familiar faces, and I'd just like to say that many of you are going to be glad you're too sloshed to remember this night! And that brings us to the movie!

Our flick tonight is a winner, kids-that is if you enjoy great huge piles of crud. Actually the film does have some virtues. For example, it's closing credits are among the most eagerly awaited in film history. It's one review said it was directed indifferently, but I don't agree- I don't think he gave it that much attention! So now prepare yourselves for memories of Easter gifts gone horribly wrong, as we proudly resent Del Connors, Rusell Tobey and "Pickles the Wonder Mallard" in It Ouacked The World!"

As soon as he was finished the projectionist was starting the movie. I took a look at the fellow and I realized that it was the same man who showed Ida and me that awful rabbit movie. I began to shudder when I realized that this movie may be lost for years for a good reason! I told myself there is no way that this man could find another lost clunker, what were the chances of that?

The film began to roll and I got the awful answer to my question. I saw that this was made by the same company that released (or rather allowed to escape) that bunny movie I saw last year at this time. I began to shake in my shoes remembering what an awful movie that was.

The title of the movie showed up on the screen: It Quacked The World. I knew I was in for a painful night. As with the last movie I could not tell the names of the actors, which was just as well considering that they may not have worked again. Maybe even getting new identities to spare themselves and their families the shame of working on this movie.

It is a quiet night in this nondescript town when this movie opens. The camera scans over town, and this place looks so peaceful. We are then shown the silos in this town and it looks normal. Normal except for the fact that something huge is breaking into the giant silo. We see something clamping down on it, and we hear a loud noise that sounds like a "quack". Apparently this town is so quiet and crime-free, there are no night watchmen to see this happening.

The only witness to this is this lone man who drops his bottle of booze when he sees something in front of him. The town drunk is no fool and runs to the police to tell them about what he just saw. Sheriff Webb listens to the fellow's tale and he reacts in a professional manner by locking Larry the loon (that is what they call him, folks!) in the jail to dry out. After all, who is going to believe that a giant duck broke into the silo? If anything, it must be that gang of no good, hot rodding, rock music-listening teenagers!

Sheriff Webb makes plans to bring in the ringleader of the teenagers, a sullen youth by the name of Jack Drake. The scene changes to Louie's, a soda shop on the outskirts of town. It is here that these teens engage in wild behavior such as dancing to music and drinkingsodas. Wow! Will this decadence ever end here? Gee, and don't these "teens" look pretty old?

In any case we see the Sheriff enter and ask for Drake, and Louie leads him to the back. There we see our sullen anti-hero fixing his hot rod with his buddies Huey and Dewey. It is then that the Sheriff begins to question Drake on where he was that night. Drake answers the questions but soon it wides up in an argument. Next thing we know Drake is brought into town for questioning about the vandalism. Just then Webb gets a report that there has been another break-in at another silo. So Webb has to go immediately over there with Drake in the car.

There they meet the scientist Prof. Bill Mallard, who is investigating the strange break-in. The scientist then gives valid reasons why Drake and friends are innocent of the vandalism charge. For one thing the silos were broken into in order to get grain, and what would those hoods do with all that grain? Another thing, the silos look like they were chomped into not blown up as Webb assumed. Oh yes, could the teens have created a giant web footprint that Mallard reveals in a dramatic moment?

Webb reluctantly lets Drake go and decides to work with the scientist on this investigation. Mallard then questions Larry the loon about what he saw that night. Larry begins to tell him (and we see this in a long flashback sequence) about this thing that waddled up to the silo, ripped it open with its jaws, and quacked. At that moment we see Prof. Mallard in a deep, deep thought for a few moments. Then he comesto this brilliant conclusion: "If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck and quacks like a duck..." (Insert dramatic pause.) "Then it must be a duck!"

Dramatic music is blaring now that we know what this creature causing havoc on the silos is. I am hitting my forehead while Ida is looking at me with disgust for even being here.

Before long it is not just the silos that notice trouble, for people see this odd creature waddling around town. The people are alarmed at the gigantic web footprints and tufts of down all over the place. I don't see the big problem though, wouldn't this mean more comforters for everyone in winter? Pretty soon this is causing a panic in the region, so much that the National Guard (or rather stock footage of the National Guard) is brought in to help with the panic.

At this point we are introduced to General Donald "Canvasback" Downn, an old soldier who we wish would fade away! For that matter we wished that this movie would fade away. His army is firing bullets at the large duck (which is a cheesy effect of a normal size duck against toy buildings) but the bullets roll off the duck's back like water.

Mallard and the General have heated discussions on what to do this creature. The General wants to use the Bomb (no, not this movie, the A-bomb) but Mallard does not think it will do any good. He explains that just as a duck has oil on its back to repel water, this mutated duck may have some substace that will make it repel bullets and bombs!

Meanwhile, while those two hard heads are arguing we are introduced to yet another character, the investigative reporter "Silver" Pond. We can tell she is the love interest and eye candy of this movie for she sashays in her heels and tight skirt so professionally. I notice the men in the audience paying particular attention to her...talents. Miss Pond, being the plucky girl reporter, is here to investigate the strange happenings. Prof. Mallard brushes her off for he has real work to do and has no time for this girl reporter.

Silver is miffed and decides to do some investigating on her own. So she teeter-totters along in her high heels to a desolate part of town near the lake. She is there checking out some clues when she hears this waddling noise and a loud "quack" behind her! She gets this look of terror on her face when she sees this huge duck in front of her. She is then chased by the duck, who is waddling along slowly but soon catches up with her because she falls a few times. Why oh why do the gals in these movies insist on wearing high heels? You think when they hear of some odd monster in the area, they would wear flats just in case they had to run away...but nooooo.

It gets better, for she is cornered by the monster duck in this old building. Then we see this huge fake duck bill coming near her and she is screaming! Good grief, if I saw something that ridiculous near me, I would have a laughing fit! This makes that huge plaster hand in Attack Of The 50-Foot Woman look authentic by comparison.

Almost on cue, Prof. Mallard and the army comes to rescue Silver and trap the duck. Silver thanks her hero and I start to think that the movie is over, or is it? We then see the duck in this large cage while the General and Prof. Mallard argue on what to do with it. It is strange how this cage is near Prof. Mallard's hotel room where his baby daughter Daisy is playing with her dog Yakky. Gee, shouldn't Daisy have some sort of adult supervision here? If she did, she would not have walked out of the room, over to the cage where the duck is. Of course if she did have an adult watch her, we would not have the plot complication of her opening up the cage and coaxing the duck out with "ducky, ducky, ducky."

She begins to realize too late that this duck is not a plaything, and the duck comes walking towards her. Yakky barks wildly which scares the duck. Just then Drake, the hoodlum, comes in and saves Daisy and Yakky from being danger. So it is back to the drawing board for Mallard and company as they try to think of a way to recapture this duck.

Just then Drake and his buddies from Louie's walk into the police station. They have come up with a plan so crazy it just might work! The plan is for Louie and Drake's gang to bake a huge loaf of bread and float that out to the middle of the local river. For some reason everyone likes this idea so the baking begins immediately. I shook my head in disbelief at the scene--this huge piece of bread on a barge on the river.

Soon the duck follows it and is so busy nibbling that it leaves the sleepy town. Drake then explains in hipster lingo, (sheesh, I needed a translator) that the barge with the bread is going down the river, into the ocean, and eventually off to the Arctic sea where the duck will hibernate. There is much rejoicing in the town as they got rid of their menace. Drake and his buddies are considered good citizens (for the moment) while Silver and Prof. Mallard talk about marriage.

It seems that all is well, but soon we hear the sound of an egg cracking. Then there is a huge "?" on the screen.

You can imagine the groans that came out of the audience that was still awake at this point. I started to think about the movie and I realized something about it. Yes, it was bad but I thought it would be perfect for a future NOWFF. I begin to talk to the projectionist about how he acquired such a movie, and this is the information he gave me:

"Don't you know an April Fool's flick when you see one?"

I want to personally thank Lon Madnight for allowing me to borrow his persona to be the host in this article. This article is deadicated to the horror hosts of the world who make real cheesy movies worth watching.

(Crystal Guillory is vice-president of the New Orleans Worst Film Festival. Click here to read more about it.  You can contact Crystal personally here.)

Boy, we just hope that's an April Fool's flick!  It sounds bad enough to force film critics to re-examine the artistic merits of monster messes like The Giant Claw or even Night Of The Lepus.

Article copyright © Crystal Guillory

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