By CRYSTAL GUILLORY 

Just as soon as I got over my hangover from last month’s travesty, I got my next assignment from Renfield. I should have known what he would really meant when he told me the movie has a "huge female star." Yes, I'm getting a little wiser to my editor now.

Well, the flick was the 1976 opus, Queen Kong.

I had to admit I was pleased that Renfield sent me a movie that had a big beautiful woman as the romantic lead! So I sat down and watched the movie, slowly realizing these were 90 minutes I would never get back again! Little did I realize one painful thing would be followed by another that afternoon.

The phone rang and I picked it up, instantly regretting that I had, since it was my beau's mother on the line. She was calling me to invite me to a luncheon sponsored by her group, Women Aspiring for Sobriety and Propriety (WASP) that afternoon. I'm not the sort of person that internally debates about accepting a free lunch, but this is a little different here.

Now is a good time to give a little background information on C. Parker's mummy. She is of the "Choppin’-Block" family that was one of the most prominent clans in Eerie, Indiana, and Romania. Oh yes, I, should mention they are one of the oldest families in Eerie since there are several ancestors that still attend some family reunions! Anyway, she tricks her son into visiting her so she can interrogate him about his relationship with me. After all, how could her noble spawn fall for a girl from a "boo-collar" background?

I really didn't have that much of a problem with it at first since we were still in a long-distance relationship and she didn't know me that well. I thought as she got to know me that opinion would change...boy was I wrong! Don't get me wrong, she is nice to me in person while we attend family gatherings at their abode (suffering through the elder's rants about how the lame and lazy should be impaled like they were in the old country). I was starting to think I was being accepted until my beau was questioned by his mummy concerning our relationship—is he "sure" about being in a relationship with someone so different? Why in hell is his mummy so damned wrapped up in her grown children?

Yes, I was annoyed, and that explains why I was so hesitant about accepting the lunch invite. Then I thought that maybe she is extending an olive branch and in the name of family peace I should accept, so I said yes. I then sought my finest shroud, for this was held at the swankiest place in St. Creaturesburg.

As I walked in, a whole group of the WASPs were swarming around me, sensing the fresh meat in their midst. I had to admit they all seemed like a nice group but I was on my guard, I didn’t want to get stung, you know. So we all had a lovely lunch and it was time to introduce the guests in our midst. My beau's mummy was the first to stand up and introduce me to the crowd, giving me a glowing report in front of all of these strangers. I enjoyed the moment of glory, but I started to realize the true purpose of this gathering…she wanted me to become a WASP! I was struggling to keep my cool, as they were all swarming around, and very interested in anything I had to say.

I began to feel that all was lost until one of the younger members asked me about what I did in my spare time, so without thinking I mentioned reviewing movies for a Webzine. Immediately some of the members were intrigued (gads, are the lives of the WASPs that boring?) and wanted to know about my latest project for the Webzine. All of a sudden I began to realize a way I could get out of the WASP’s nest, so I began to tell them about the latest thing I have viewed Queen Kong.

You can imagine the confusion on their faces when I mentioned the title. A few even asked if I meant the classic flick, King Kong.

I knew I had them now.

I began to explain that the director Frank Agrama co-wrote and directed this gender-bending spoof of the classic. Unfortunately Dino De Laurentis, who was making is Kong remake at the time, heard of this spoof and felt like his modern classic was going to be
shamed by this low budget contender. So he did what any artist would do--threaten the production with lawyers and have it not released in the theaters!

To my amazement I found I still had their attention, so I went on with my review.

I told the WASPs about how we are introduced to the famed feminist director Luce Habit (played by Rula Lenska of the old Alberto V05 TV commercials) was filming a great jungle epic. Unfortunately tragedy struck when her leading man had a queeny hissy fit and walked off. Luce isn't down for long, for she begins searching for a new leading man, and that quest takes her to a few shops in England.

Yes, it was on that day she sees Ray Fay (a few chuckled at the pun name) who is a petty thief stealing a King Kong poster. The shop owner chases the young man but the chase is stopped by Luce who pays for the poster and then takes the young man for a drink. She tells him of her plan for an epic adventure but he's not so keen on the idea of a long voyage. Well, Luce is not the type of gal that takes "no" for an answer so she slips a Mickey in his drink.

‘Tis a good thing Ray was out for he missed the silly dance number, "Liberated Lady" at the start of his voyage. Ray was a tad upset at first but calmed down when Luce promised him fame and fortune as a movie star. Luce tells him that they are on their way to the
mysterious island of Lazanga (where they do the Konga) where he will star in her new jungle epic. No more petty thievery for this bloke!

Soon they land on the mythical island and make their way to the village. It is there they are met by the Amazonian tribe led by the lovely high priestess (played by Valerie Leon of Blood From the Mummy's Tomb) who takes an instant liking to Ray. In fact she thinks he's so yummy he would make a great sacrifice to the creature known as "Kong". The priestess and Luce began to converse in the rare language of Unga Bunga, only to have her request for Ray turned down. Luce and the group go back to the ship but the priestess has other plans.

Later on that night, the Priestess and her group sneak aboard "Liberated Lady" and steal Ray. Soon Ray is surrounded by lovely tropical ladies and begins to feel that life isn't so bad, until he is put into the huge cake. (I have to ask, since it was a female ape, couldn't it have been a chocolate banana cake?) Right about now you can imagine he is starting to freak out a bit but he hasn't seen anything yet!

Now the guest of honor for the party—a giant female ape--has arrived and she is very pleased at the favor in her cake! Ray decides to start screaming that moment but that only makes ol' Queen Kong start to carry him around in her hand.

Just when you think things couldn’t get any weirder, we see Queenie having a battle with one of the fakest dinosaurs I have ever seen in a movie.

After all that excitement, Queenie brings him back to her place where she begins to fall under Ray's charms. The two share an odd moment of flirting that's cute and disturbing at the same time. Meanwhile Luce is very upset that her boy-toy has been kidnapped so she and her female crew search the island of Lazanga (remember that's where they do the Konga). The group encounters many bizarre things (such as the bagpipe plant) but they are finally reunited with Ray.

Just then, Luce gets a huge idea--a Queen Kong-sized idea, if you will--she will take Queen Kong back to England!

The plan to capture the beast works and soon Queen Kong is on her way to jolly ol' England. Luce then organizes an outdoor festival (I wonder if they could have referred to this as Kongstock?) with Queen Kong as the main act. Unfortunately, the promoter of the festival wants Queenie to wear a metal bra and panties so the families won't be offended. After all, can't have any wardrobe malfunctions can we?

This event does have an interesting opening act as Luce and Ray perform the "Konga" dance as Queenie sadly looks on. Poor Queenie, not only does she have to deal with homesickness and an uncomfortable bra but now she has to watch that woman dance with her boyfriend! Alas Ray is noticing that "big girls do cry" and realizes that he loves Queenie after all.

Queenie then begins to break free of her chains and starts a rampage that would do her simian relatives proud! She is doing a load of damage that Guy Fawkes only wished he could have done (the history majors in the group giggled at this one) while looking for her
man. In the meanwhile Ray is being held captive in a hotel room by Luce who... wants something. The two wrestle but true love wins out when Queenie rescues Ray!

The two lovers are reunited and she is so happy she gives him some royal bling-bling (translation: the crown jewels) but he turns it down. She then takes him to Big  Ben where they spend some time together while she swats at some planes trying to shoot her down.

I had the WASP’s attention now, for they were expecting this to have the downer ending that the original Kong movie had-but this was not the case!

Ray had Queenie capture a helicopter, which had a huge PA system so he had an idea. He grabs the microphone and urges all the women in the land to stand up for their rights and for Queenie's. Soon women gathered signs and began protesting the harsh treatment of their sister by the police. The police began to realize they were outnumbered and if they wanted peaceful home lives they should let the big ape go back to her jungle home with her beau.

When the film ends, we see Ray and his Queenie having a lovely life in the jungle. The two are happy with each other in spite of coming from completely different backgrounds and they live happily ever after.

There was a stunned silence at that luncheon when I finished. The head WASPs in charge had disturbed looks on their faces as they politely (in that very icy way some people do) thanked me for that tale. Sometime later, I noticed them approaching my fellow's mummy and I guessed that I was no longer considered a candidate for membership. Oh gee, my
loss.

On the way back home I began to think about a number of things. For starters, I knew the mummy was going to get more unraveled about our relationship so she will be asking her son "if he's sure about this" more often.

Oddly enough, that didn't matter to me any longer.

I then began to think that it was a shame that this movie was basically hidden from audiences for this long. Who knows, Peter Jackson could have remade this film instead of the original, and we would have the Queen Kong specials at Papa Johns. Considering it was a female ape, maybe Bath and Body works would have created a banana fragrance. The mind boggles at the possibilities.

Well, after all this drama with the mummy, I have a desire to go out for a drink with my beau. Think I’ll order a banana daiquiri.