By CRYSTAL GUILLORY

Hi again, HORROR-WOOD reader. It's your own B-movie diva, talking about another great cult classic, 1975’s Death Race 2000.

Now before I go on with this review I am going to have to give a disclaimer. This movie I am talking about is of an adult topic so anyone younger than 18 should not be reading this! If that age applies to you feel free to check out any of the other articles in this issue. Go along now, nothing more to see...

Kids gone? Great! Now to commence with the review here.

We have all had those times riding along in a car with good friends when you notice an annoying pedestrian who won't stay on their side of the street. It is at that point one of passengers (or the driver) quips, "Twenty points for the tourist!" You all chuckle and continue driving, knowing full well you will not dare run him/her over. (If you had, please don't tell me, I (and Renfield) would rather not know.)

Meanwhile, many people use that bit of black humor without knowing one of the possible origins, the Roger Corman classic (?) that presented vehicular homicide as a sport. This movie was Corman's rip-off of Rollerball, which was about an extreme game of roller derby. Corman took a story written by Ib Melchoir (Reptilicus), had Paul Bartel (Eating Raoul) direct it and a diverse cast of actors such as David Carradine (Kung Fu), Mary Woronov (Rock And Roll High School) and a very young and brash Sylvester Stallone (Rocky) play the roles of the colorful group of racers. Many fans agree it was Bartel's darkly comedic touch that makes this movie more fun to watch then the one it was supposed to emulate.

I should go on with talking about the movie. For starters, it opens with this high school band (badly) playing patriotic music. One is almost tempted to stop the tape in order to check and make sure that they are watching a movie that is set in the future. It is not until the viewer spots a fan wearing a nazi emblem that it is clear that this is no normal sporting event. Soon it is time for the 20th annual "Transcontinental Road Race" and the (loud) sportscaster, Junior Bruce, introduces the racers.

First, we have Calamity Jane Kelly (Mary Woronov), driving up in her vehicle "The Bull" with her handsome navigator. We are then introduced to the "Swastika sweetheart" (why is "Springtime for Hitler" running through my head right now?), Matilda the Hun with her navigator Herman the German, and it is apparent that Matilda and Jane really don't like each other. For that matter neither do their fans.

The next to drive up is the gold chariot—ah--race car of Nero the Hero with his lovely navigator Cleopatra who is feeding him grapes and sarcastic quips. At this point, the attention is giving to a press conference at a hospital. It appears that the legendary Frankenstein, a racer who has won this brutal race before, is being released from the hospital.  We find out that he was so named because he has had different parts replaced because of his various racing accidents. (I think it is a nice touch that he has bolts on his racing helmet).  He tolerates the press as long as he can, and then he is off to his car and his new navigator Annie Smith.

Back at the race, we hear an engine revved up and it is the hated Machine Gun Joe Viterbo (played by a pre-Rocky Sylvester Stallone). The fans of Frankenstein greet Machine Gun Joe, so Joe acknowledges their warm welcome with firing a machine gun into a crowd. It is apparent that Joe has some issues involving his rivalry with Frankenstein.

Joe's violent interaction with the attendees is forgotten with the announcement of Frankenstein's arrival that day. The crowd goes wild seeing their dark clad, masked hero behind the wheels of his car. All that is needed now is the signal from the President of the United Provinces of America, which has to be beamed from his home in Peking. The President must invest in a lot of dry ice, for there was plenty of the ethereal smoke as he droned on about giving "his children" what they wanted for 20 years since the World Crash of 1979.  The President then gives the signal and the drivers roar past the cheap matte paintings of a futuristic city.

The drivers tear down the road, each one intent on being the first one in New Los Angeles. However they also have to something besides drive fast, they also have to score hit points. The viewer is not clear on what kind of scoring it is until Machine Gun Joe runs over a construction worker. Junior goes wild as he relates the news to the viewers, for it was the first score of the race! Then another newscaster who was clearly cloned from Howard Cosell's DNA drones on about the different points one can get from smacking into different people.

You may want to get your calculator now for I am going to rattle off the points system for this road race. The women are worth ten points more then men in all age brackets, the teens rack up 40 points, children under 12 earn 70 points and anyone over 75 is worth 100 points! The drivers try to get as many hit points as possible, for it is not how fast you drive but how many you run over that makes one the winner.

The drivers are busy trying to rack up points while on the road. Mary Jane has a bullfight with a would-be matador who becomes her score. Meanwhile a geriatric hospital wheels out some of their patients on the annual "Euthanasia day" in order to give the drivers a sporting chance. Frankenstein has another plan, for he deliberately misses the patients and strikes down the doctors and nurses instead.

While America watches the race with excitement, there is a group of people who aren't happy. They are the Resistance and they are led by an elderly woman by the name of Thomasina Paine. This group has decided that this year would be the year that they would stop the race and end the tyranny of Mr. President. However, they would need a few cunning plans, one of which involved cross-dressing and a baby doll stuffed with TNT.

Meanwhile Nero and Cleo are arguing about his lack of points while they are on the road to the first pit stop. The two bicker until they see a picnic and which happens to have a mother and child. The mother runs off, leaving the child to certain doom. Now, shouldn't this have set a warning light in one of their heads? What kind of mother would leave her baby in the way of a moving car? Well, there was no time to think about that for instead of scoring points, Nero and Cleo got blown up real good.

The drivers wind up at their first pit stop where the surviving drivers got rubdowns.   The secret police inform the drivers not to say anything about Nero's "accident" to anyone.

Frankenstein then arrives on the premises, drolly giving answers to the obnoxious newsmen who get in his way. (Here’s an idea: Did anyone think of a drinking game to this movie where one drinks every time Ms Pander says "Dear Friend of mine"?) Frankenstein seethes through his mask as he sees Annie talking to Machine Gun Joe. So, Frankenstein decides to push Joe's jealousy button by acting like he was flirting with Joe's navigator Myra, Joe responds in brutish form by slugging her.

Frankenstein storms off, but he notices someone follows him. That someone happens to be Laurie (played by Paul Bartel's sister Wendy) who is a fan of his. In one of the few touching scenes of this movie, Frankenstein and Laurie have a brief conversation where she pours out her heart to him. It is implied that they will meet again, more then likely on the road. This touches the racer and he makes his way into the room. Annie explains that she led Joe on a different route, one that will take him away from the race, therefore giving Frankenstein an edge.

At that moment, Frankenstein is getting ready for bed, and Annie begins to take inventory of the limbs and parts that have been replaced. To show that he can still move, he asks Annie to dance. Gee, I guess the Swiss doctors also moonlight as dancing instructors, eh?

Eventually the dance changes to the—ah—horizontal mambo as Annie finds out the other parts that are working well. (See, I told you this movie is not for kids!)   The next day, the drivers are in their cars as the deacon of the Bipartisan Party drones on with his prayer. We then notice Frankenstein dropping his glove oh so subtly on the track.

The race starts, but Frankenstein is driving back for his glove. At that moment the Deacon is walking out to the track to pick up the glove, however the Deacon is picked up by Frankenstein's car! The newsmen are shocked at Frankenstein's impudence at scoring an official, but the points are accepted and the race continues.  At this point, we do meet up with Laurie the fan again, but it is for a short moment as Frankenstein runs her down in a sign of devotion.

The drivers tear down the highway, and Joe decides to take that "short cut" Annie told him about. Shortly he discovers that it is a wild goose chase, but he manages to score the dim fly fisherman there. (The fellow was killed due to the fact he mistook Machine Gun for Frankenstein. Excuse me, isn't the difference between the two oh so obvious?)

Meanwhile Annie tells Frankenstein about an easy way they can get some more scores, so she guides him to this compound. Meanwhile the Resistance is in this same area getting things ready for Frankenstein. Their plans are to kidnap Frankenstein and send a look-alike in his place to deliver the ransom note to the President at the end of the race. Frankenstein thwarts the plan and is a little shaken to see the look-alike, but not shaken enough to run him over.

Frankenstein drives on, with suspicions about his navigator so he decides to put her to a test. He pulls over to have Annie drive for a while, in order to see what she would do. Annie drives well until out of nowhere is this kid rolling a wheel in the middle of this highway. (Excuse me, where are this kid's parents? Didn't they teach him about not playing in the street?) Frankenstein tells her to get those easy points, so Annie speeds up—and misses!

Eventually he has Annie pull over, and through some questioning, it is revealed who she really is. It turns out that Annie is the granddaughter (or great granddaughter) of Thomasina Paine, leader of the Resistance. She had been planted there in order to assist in bringing Frankenstein to them. Frankenstein does not seem to care about their plan, but rather more concerned with winning and shaking Mr. President's hand.

Meanwhile, Calamity Jane is on the side of the road with Pete under her...car. (What did you think I was talking about here?) Calamity Jane is being impatient, for she wants to get some more points on the road. That plan is changed when Matilda the Hun roars by in her car and scores her navigator! To say the least, Calamity Jane is extremely miffed and she goes tearing down the highway in hot pursuit.

At that same time, a group of resistance members are employing a trick that has been seen in many Saturday morning cartoons using a painted tunnel and detour signs. Anyone with any knowledge of cartoons knows what is to happen and would therefore avoid it. Unfortunately, Matilda must not have watched those cartoons for she took the bait, and wound up driving off a cliff.

The scene then changes to the next pit stop, where we are subjected to one of the most horrifying images and sounds of this movie--the dance party. Oh my God, where did they find music like that? A government official talks to them about the race and all the mishaps. The racers are afraid for their lives and want protection. Then a report comes on, and the President blames the deaths on the French! Okay, I know they are rude to us but that is a little extreme to think that.

Annie at this point has to go out to the garage, and Joe decides to follow her. Machine Gun Joe is a little testy over her prank and decides to strangle her on the point. (Sheesh, if this fellow was really smart he would have put her in the road so she could add to his score.) Just then, Frankenstein comes in and saves Annie's life. While he is at it, he breaks a can of whoop-ass on Joe. Wow, this is the monster fan's dream come true, for Frankenstein is kicking Sly Stallone's butt!

Frankenstein and Annie retire to their room where they discuss things about the race. It is then we find out that Frankenstein is the latest in the long line of Frankensteins. When one is used up, they just replace him with a similar looking one, kinda like how they do in some television shows. It does seem like he has one replaced part, his hand which is always covered by a glove for reasons unknown. He then begins to share his American Indian know-how with Annie that night (nudge, nudge, wink, wink say no more).

The next day starts the last leg of the race for the last three surviving racers. The three roar off in pursuit of the finish line and more points along the way. Unfortunately, Jane has a calamity when she meets up with some motorcyclists who try to run her off the road. She seems victorious for a moment, but she winds up in a junkyard. This gives her the creeps for some reason and she tries to get out of there. Unfortunately, while trying to back out, she discovers a land mine that was left by the Resistance. So now, alas, Calamity Jane (or pieces of her) is in Boot Hill now and that leaves only Machine Gun Joe and Frankenstein.

Meanwhile Frankenstein is driving along when he wants a drink, he seems to be drinking it when he is really slipping in a Mickey. He then offers some to Annie who drinks it and quickly falls asleep. Just then, a plane comes out of nowhere and is dropping bombs near Frankenstein. This is a member of the resistance (no duh!) who has reported to Thomasina that Annie was dead, so this gives him further fuel to blow away Frankenstein. Frankenstein continues his dogfight with this aerial threat, until the plane winds up meeting the side of a mountain. Amazingly enough, Annie is sleeping through all of this action, but she wakes up now.

Annie is upset that one of her friends in the resistance is dead, but she is more upset that Frankenstein is hurt.  Frankenstein does not want any treatment for he wants to win this race, so Annie lovingly grabs the wheel and tries to run them over a cliff. (Okay, I know some people have bad mood swings but sheesh!)  Frankenstein stops her and in an exchange of angry words finally reveal why he wants to win so bad. As mentioned before, the winner gets to shake the President's hand and at that moment, Frankenstein takes off that mysterious glove to reveal...a hand grenade. Annie then becomes upset that he will die in this act. The two then get on the road to win the race.

Alas, it is not all smooth driving for our duo, for Machine Gun Joe and Myra are in the way. Joe thought the resistance or the French had gotten rid of his rival so he was surprised to see him! The two engage in a battle on the road, trying to see who will get to the finish line. Then all of a sudden Annie gets a neighborly urge to lend Joe a hand. She removes Frankenstein's glove and tosses the hand in Machine Joe's car, and Myra screams when it lands in her lap. (You’d think she had not had a guy's hand on her lap before.) Then it was only Frankenstein with no way to shake the President's hand, but Annie has a cunning plan.

Some time later, Frankenstein's car is roaring towards the finish line in new Los Angeles and the crowd goes wild! Frankenstein gets out of the car and walks toward the stand where the President is waiting with a handshake and a job offer to be a leader in the fight against the French. However, we see another plan unfolding, for Frankenstein has a knife ready for the President, but this is not to happen for Thomasina shoots at Frankenstein.

The crowd is shocked at this moment and chaos reigns. The President removes Frankenstein’s mask only to see that it is Annie! Two officials then help Annie off the stage while Thomasina sobs wildly at what she has done. Just then, the hidden Frankenstein gets in the driver's seat and rams his car into the grandstand, killing the President! The crowd once again goes wild and Frankenstein is declared the victor.

The scene changes to a wedding where the new President Frankenstein and Annie marry. There they talk about the new government and all the changes to bring freedom back to the people. One of the big changes is the abolishment of the Transcontinental Road race, and that does not sit well with the newscaster, Junior.

Junior is upset and challenges the President about getting rid of the race in his loudest, most obnoxious voice, which has finally annoyed Frankenstein and Annie. So, Frankenstein makes the final score by running over Junior that day and I wonder why didn't he run over the other annoying ones as well? The movie then ends with a newscaster droning on and on about how violence has always been with the human race as the credits roll by.

As fun as this movie is to some twisted souls (like myself) it did make one think about this one question: How close are we to such a scenario? Look at TV with all the reality shows trying to be as edgy as possible. Could it be possible within our lifetime we will see such a televised event? Will the drivers have corporate logos on their vehicles like the NASCAR vehicles do? I could not help but wonder about that as I watched this movie.