By CRYSTAL GUILLORY

You never know how much you appreciate something until it is broken.

If that something is air conditioning you tend to appreciate it all the more. Now, some of you are scratching your heads (especially if it has a wool cap on it) wondering why would I be concerned about a/c at this time of year. Alas, in other parts of the country, September is the start of the cooler weather and everyone pulls out their sweaters, but not here in the Deep South. Oh no readers, our two or three days of fall usually doesn't arrive until mid-November if we are lucky.

Until then, we creatures of the tropical states endure summer temperatures until then, making it impossible to wear the latest velvet shrouds. Woe be unto the creature whose air conditioning unit decided to conk out during one of the hottest times of the "fall."

Well readers, I was one of those unfortunate creatures with a broken a/c this month. Sheesh, you'd think a sauna couldn't get that hot, but you would be so surprised. After spending an eternity of 30 minutes in the stifling heat, I knew it was time to grab my checkbook and call the repairman. As it is with all repairmen, he couldn't give me a specific time he would be there so I had to sit, sweat, and wait.

It was about this time I had the idea of testing  a particular theory about a way to deal with great discomfort--find something that hurts worse so you concentrate on the new pain. And what better way than to open up the package I got from old Renfield!

You can imagine the horror on my face when I opened the box and saw that my next assignment was The Devil's Rain.

I had never seen this movie before readers but I do remember when it was released and the brief gruesome melting scenes in the trailer. Just the thing I need to see right now--people melting! I breathed a sigh of disgust and put the movie into the DVD player, thinking it would be a "bad" way to pass the time. After all, maybe this painful movie might make me forget about my own discomfort.

As usual, I decided to look for some interesting background information on this movie that I can fill up most of my article with. Of course, the first piece of information I can bestow is the list of names in this cast. In this production we see Ernest Borgnine (Marty, Willard), Eddie Albert (Green Acres), screen legend Ida Lupino, William Shatner (Boston Legal, Priceline commercials and some little show known as Star Trek), Tom Skerritt (M*A*S*H, Alien) and John Travolta in his first screen role.

Hmmm, it also appears that the notorious Anton LaVey (do a Google search on him sometime) was the technical advisor as well as having a small role in this movie. The other name that caught my attention was the one of the director-Robert Fuest and that name should be familiar to quite a few of you, especially those who are (p)fans of the Dr. Phibes series. He was the director of both of the Phibes films, as well as many of The Avengers and The New Avengers episodes. Well, I did enjoy both of the Dr. Phibes movies as well as The Avengers, so I begin to hope that maybe this won't be so bad after all. I should have realized, dear readers, that I was in the beginning stages of heat-induced delirium.

As the movie opens, the audience is treated to some of the most interesting scenes in the movie,  the paintings of  Hieronymus Bosch provide the background for the opening credits. (That could be a bad sign if the best part of the movie is at the beginning.) The scene switches to a rainy night in the West, where Mark Preston (William Shatner) is beamed into the house (how else do you explain his being so dry in spite of walking through a storm?), announcing to his mother that he couldn't find the truck. (Okay, maybe they were expecting a package from UPS.)

His mother Mrs. Preston (Ida Lupino) is obviously upset, claiming that this was all in her dream. However a knock at the door soon interrupted her train of thought and they go to answer the door.

Well, at the door is this fellow who is muttering something about returning a book to Corbus. Sheesh, couldn't the library have sent an overdue notice rather then make one of their staff go out on a night like that? Apparently, this fellow was indeed made of sugar (or rather bizarre pudding) for he melted in the rain. (Wow, I knew acid rain was a problem but I didn't think it was that bad back then!)

This obviously freaks out Mama Preston who wants to return the book but Mark won't hear any of it. Just then, a car horn interrupts this disagreement and Mark runs out in the rain to the truck. As he runs out to the truck, he discovers to his horror that a little wax doll was driving it! His moment of horror is interrupted by a ruckus in his home which causes him to run back in only to discover that his mother was kidnapped by the owner of the book. (Wow, and you thought your library was strict!)

So Mark drives through the desert on a horse…ah… station wagon with no name trying to rescue his mother. Soon he arrived at some very scary and deserted ghost town (is there any other kind?) and begins to drive around. He arrives at a spot where he meets a gap toothed cowboy (had no idea Ernest could play a cowpoke) who offers him some bitter water. Gee, talk about your hospitality! The cowpoke (with a Bronx accent) begins to inquire about the book but Mark wants to return it to Corbus. Well, in a shocking turn of events, we discover that the cowboy is Corbus himself!

The two then walk on over to the church and have a serious discussion concerning faith. Mark must have thought Corbus was playing Let’s Make A Deal, for Mark was willing to face whatever was behind door number one. Corbus then promises that he will release him and his family if Mark proves that his faith is stronger. Something tells me this won't turn out so well.

As they walk into the Satanic church (gee, could the huge pentagrams and goat heads be any clue?). Soon the ceremony is in full swing and Corbus has Dr. Phibes (just kidding) play the organ. Mark kept his cool until the very moment the collection plate passed, and he begins to flip out. Well, okay maybe the fact that he sees his mother as a horribly disfigured zombie might have brought him over to the edge. It is that moment he begins to show the object that he has great faith in, and he uses it to shoot a few holes in a cult member.

Alas, someone should have told Mark that guns really don't work all that well on zombies. So right about now Mark realizes he is toast so he hightails it out o f the building with the zombie cultists surrounding him. At that moment Mark pulls out the loaded cross he was packing, but Corbus changed that into a snake. ‘Tis a pity Mark didn't bring his communicator with him, he could have called for security to beam down.

Meanwhile, in another part of another movie, this pretty young woman is lying down on a table in this lab. Dr. Richards (Eddie Albert) is conducting an experiment on meditation and ESP and droning on and on about it to the class. The young woman's name is Julie Preston and her husband, Tom, (Tom Skerritt) is an assistant of the good Dr. Just then she begins to recall her horrific dream about leaving her lovely penthouse to reside in a bizarre backwater town with a spouse who wanted to be a farmer.

She lets out a blood curdling scream as she remembered how she got allergic smelling hay. Oh yeah, she also had odd visions of some Satanists as well. Just then Tom got a message that something was wrong with his family so he packed up the wife and went off to see what the matter was.

When they arrived they discovered that Ma Preston and Mark are gone and there was this waxy buildup on the front porch. Gee, could that have been from the fellow melting there? The hired help John points them in the direction of Redstone so our dynamic duo go off to investigate.

In the meanwhile, Corbus is entertaining Mark like the demonically gracious host he is. At that moment, he introduces Mark to this lovely girl he refers to as "Lilith, the temptress." With a name like that I think she's there for one reason. Now, Mark usually likes his girls green skinned but he'll take what he can get right now. After the passionate kiss she pulls away and turns into his mother!

At that moment, Mark lets out a big girly scream that would make Chekhov say "Damn!"

In the meantime, Tom and Julie arrive at Redstone where they notice the very odd church. They both suspect something is quite weird about that place. Could it be the eerie chanting? Could it possible be the demonic imagery in the building? The two walk out of the building to a very rude surprise, someone blew up their car! (I wonder who did it. Could it be…Satan ?) Well, the two decide to explore other buildings to see if they could locate Mark, but they ran into a pre-fame zombified John Travolta instead. The zombie and Tom have a fight but he is quickly defeated by the duo.

At that moment, Julie decides to look into the zombie's flaming eyes and she has a vision of the past. Three hundred years ago, Corbus was the leader of a Satanic cult and he had a thriving community. All was going well until the wife of one of his congregation turned them in to the law. If that wasn't bad enough, she stole the book containing the names of the damned! Alas she didn't get off so easy since she joined her husband and the congregation at the stake.

Needless to say Julie was a little freaked out by that vision, so Tom had her go back home in the leftover station wagon just hanging around. Tom was going to stick around, find a spare black robe and try to infiltrate the cult so he could rescue his brother. Julie protested but she left her husband in creepy Redstone and was on her way back home until her zombified mother-in law's backseat driving caused her to crash.

To say the least, the party is starting for the cultists as they bring Mark out for some fun and games. It must be a special ceremony, for Corbus is decked out in some outfit that must have been lifted from Doctor Who. (Tell me that doesn't look like what the Time Lords wore!) A moment later Corbus becomes even more of an "old goat" then he was before. Sheesh, the heat must be getting to me for I think this goat look is an improvement!

Anyway, the old goat leads the incantation for Mark to be one of their creepy number that night. Unfortunately for Tom, he is spotted by a cultist and who chase him into the night. Tom manages to escape but now he realizes that they have his wife. Oh boy.

The next morning, Tom is having a cup of coffee with Dr Richards and he tells him the tale of the night before. Tom wants to go back to Redstone right now to kick ass and chew gum (and he's all out of gum) but the good Dr. has him wait. Just then he shows them the book that Ma Preston had purchased from that shady salesman Mr. Haney so long ago. (Okay, she inherited that book, but I was amused by that idea.) We discover that this book has the signatures of the people who Corbus convinced to worship Satan. Apparently the wife who stole the book (as well as turn the cult over to the authorities) was the ancestor of the Preston clan. No wonder why Corbus is so pissy with this family.

Dr. Richards and Tom go back to Redstone to kick a little demonic ass when they walk into the church. Dr. Richards uses his superior reasoning skills to detect that this is a demonic church. (Duh!) The two are momentarily interrupted by the zombie arm of the law, but he is quickly dealt with. After that distraction, the two investigate the creepy place and discover a portal to hell! Oh, and if that isn't weird enough, there is this odd egg like thing which has this video of a group of people howling in a rainstorm on an endless loop. The two are distracted by the shiny object so the sweat hog acolyte finds the book and brings it to Corbus.

Needless to say, the old goat's in a great mood and thinks its time to party! What better way to celebrate a diabolical victory but to sacrifice a babe? It looks very bad for our heroes when Dr. Richards comes in with the egg shaped video player and threatens to destroy it. Corbus orders Mark to take it away from him and he does, but Dr Richard's pleas to remember his late wife makes him destroy the egg.

For some reason this causes hell to break loose-- literally!

Yep, we are treated to a truly icky scene of all these cultists melting. (Hmm, it looks like the aforementioned Travolta-acolyte is melting from so much Saturday Night Fever) So help me, I could have sworn I heard them all moan "I'm melting…melting!" Maybe not.

The old goat, Corbus, is not going down gently without a fight so he has one with Tom. Alas, the Devil's rain gets to him, too, so he becomes an drippy icky mess soon enough.

Dr. Richards and Tom rescue Julie and they escape the church right before it blows up real good and all seems well. Tom gives his wife a loving embrace, too delirious  to notice that his lovely wife is not quite herself--thanks to Corbus.

Arrgh! I had thought this movie could take my mind off of my sweltering discomfort but it made it worse! I can only hope that my next assignment will be better. Who knows, maybe I can do something a little more classical? Maybe even something inspired by the Bard himself?