By CRYSTAL GUILLORY

I had just finished the difficult assignment from last month (see the April 2003 issue) and barely had enough time to recover when I got my next assignment from Renfield.

Gotta admit, I was wondering what I was going to cover next, what weird oddity was he going to have me talk about? What obscure piece of film will I have to hunt for in order to write about? I envisioned him assigning some little known, hard to find movie that
not even the IMDB has heard of.

The moment came when I got email from Renfield with his next assignment. He wanted me to cover…

Robot Monster.

Now, there are some of you (yeah, both of you!) who think this is an obscure and unknown piece of cruddy celluloid. Well, I beg to differ! The infamous Medved brothers in their book The Fifty Worst Films Of All Time considered this flick one of the "worst films of all time." That book exposed this cult classic to a new audience of fans. Parts of this movie were also included in the anthology film It Came From Hollywood, which ironically became a cult feature itself. In fact, the alien star of Robot Monster made a guest cameo in a Cars music video in the early Eighties! The "best brains" behind Mystery Science Theater 3000 skewered this cult classic in their first season, introducing this movie to even more fans.

So, this is more than just a bad monster movie—it’s gotta pedigree and everything.

I discovered this offbeat flick one late night at a convention nearly 20 years ago, when a video room was showing a bad copy of the "special edition" of Robot Monster. What I mean by "Special edition" was that there were entirely different scenes edited into the original movie that mainly consisted of these goofy actors throwing stuff at the screen (it was 3-D folks which Robot Monster was released originally in). Maybe it was sleep deprivation, but I kinda liked the movie. Well, I could have done without the added bits and the drunken twits nattering behind me as well.

Sometime later I got to see the original movie and found it to be oddly amusing.   I mean, how can anyone not find a movie with a gorilla suited alien who uses a bubble machine funny? Needless to say this flick was a staple in video stores for it was a "classic" and mercifully short!

There is an interesting story behind the unique look of the title character of this feature. Phil Tucker, the director, wanted a typical robot looking alien for this feature. However his budget would not permit this. To say the least he was in a great bind, but then he remembered this fellow George Barrows. George Barrows owned a gorilla suit and played a hairy ape in many jungle movies--probably the ones Bob Burns was too busy for (just kidding). Add a diving helmet with antenna to that gorilla suit and you have an instant Robot Monster!

There is an interesting note that Barrows got little or no pay for doing this role. Considering that Barrows had to play many scenes in the blazing California sun with that heavy helmet and suit, he would have been grossly underpaid even if he had been given union scale!

Another interesting note about this movie is that it was filmed in the famous Bronson Canyon. I say famous for it was the site of many Star Trek episodes, as well as classic B-films such as Teenagers From Outer Space, Teenage Caveman , War Of The Colossal Beast, and Eegah!. In fact, the Ro-man's headquarters is Eegah's cavern filmed from another angle.

The movie was filmed in four days and cost less then $16,000. It was released in 1953 and has gone by three different titles: Monster From Mars, Robot Monsters, and Monsters From the Moon. Gee, they can't decide where the monster is from!

Of course, you are not here to read a bunch of trivia but a review of this movie, so here we go. I had a video that had a 3-D version of the movie, which fortunately included 3-D glasses. However it took me forever and a day to figure out the best way to wear them for the best effects. Eventually I did get used to them and started to watch the movie, ignoring the headache that was beginning to start.

As the movie starts we see the credits on a field of sci-fi comic magazines popular during that time (mid Fifties). Then we see the credits pop out at us as well as the faces of the cast in this movie. I did do a double take a couple of times during the credits for two reasons. First, the credit for the "Automatic Billion Bubble Machine" by N. A. Fischer Chemical Products. I knew what it was for but we will discuss that later. The other credit that amazed me was "original music by Elmer Bernstein"! Yes, the Elmer Bernstein who later wrote the scores for The Magnificent Seven, True Grit, Animal House and Thoroughly Modern Millie (which he won an "Oscar" for). His music adds an odd touch of class to this bad (but so good) movie.

The movie opens to this little boy chasing (and walking right into the camera; remember this is 3-D) his little sister with a toy space gun. Judging by the helmet on his head, he is playing 'spaceman" and about to disintegrate his sister. My goodness, won't his mother send him to the woodshed for that? His little sister is all too complacent to be disintegrated, for now they get to play house! However, our space man Johnny has other things to do, like blow bubbles and hunt down other beings in the woods.

Not too long after, Johnny and his sister Carla find two men in a cave. Johnny declares that they must both die, and the two men agree. Man, you can tell this was made in a simpler time for a kid waving a gun like toy would be treated less then kindly today. The older of the two asks for peaceful coexistence, so Johnny reluctantly becomes a friendly alien. Through dialogue we find out the two men are archeologists, trying to remove this "authentic" cave painting. Carla asks if it is a "spaceman robot" but the older professor says there were no spacemen or robots in prehistoric times.

Johnny’s mother Martha and comely older sister, Alice, who retrieve Johnny and Carla, interrupt the scientific banter. After exchanging flirts and pleasantries they bring the children back to the picnic spread. Oh my, what a wonderful place to have a picnic! I mean, why have a lunch amongst trees and grass when you can have your lunch literally on the rocks! Oh, look, its naptime and we all know how comfortable laying down on rocks can be, right? However, Johnny gets up and walks over to the cave to hang out with the ultra cool archeologists again. Unfortunately, his new friends are not there any longer, and a lightning bolt clear out of the blue frightens him. It frightens him so much that he falls down and is knocked out.

We then see like a ball of fire out of the sky, and dinosaurs wrestle each other. Anyone watching this for the first time is going to wonder if they were watching something from the Discovery channel. These scenes were lifted from the movie One Million B.C. However, seeing Johnny wake up outside of the cave shows the viewer that they are still watching the same movie. We see Johnny grab his paints and start painting something on the walls, oblivious to the bubbles and other signs of alien technology. However a blast of light makes him scurry away, and he gets to view his alien enemy--the fearsome Ro-Man! (They gotta be kidding. Only to a kid would this creature be fearsome!)

The Ro-Man approaches a view screen and he reports to his superior, who immediately chews him out for being so late! Sheesh, upper management is the same everywhere in the galaxy! Anyway, through their discussion we find out how the Ro-Man destroyed
mankind. It seems the Ro-man's calcinator ray did much destruction through the planet and people being as they are thought that other countries brought on the attack. So, thanks to the H-Bomb, the aliens had no problems taking over! However, they had to reveal themselves for they wanted the cities intact for their race's enjoyment. (Interesting picture of Ro-Men drunkenly roaming around on Bourbon Street has just popped into my head. Or Ro-Men taking in a Broadway show in New York, or playing the slots at Las Vegas. This 3-D glasses-induced headache’s making me think strange things!)

Anyway, our Ro-Man is smug, for he got rid of the whole human race, which was quite a feat indeed. His boss, however, enlightens him that there are indeed eight people still alive! So now Ro-Man gets his order to seek—locate—exterminate (sorry, wrong robot
race). He walks away from the screen, probably to plot his action or maybe to veg out in front of a TV screen. The moment Ro-Man walks away, Johnny checks out his lair, but another flash of light made him haul butt out of there.

So Johnny went marching home again where his family was anxiously waiting for him. Well, how convenient! Johnny's family is among the eight survivors! Johnny gets chewed out by his mother about leaving the family. Johnny's father explains to him that the wiring around the house (which Johnny's sister Alice rigged up) keeps the Ro-Man from knowing
where they are. Johnny then tells his family the news that Ro-Man is very close by. So why couldn't the alien intelligence see the wires around a bombed out house? The family speculates on why Ro Man is so close, Alice wonders aloud if they are the only ones alive. Alice and her father talk about the troops on the space platform, wondering how to reach them.

Just then, they get an incoming message on the view screen. (Its only Ro-Man, not a telemarketer.) The Ro-Man informs them that they are the ones left on the planet. The Ro-Man shows them stock footage of the horrible destruction of the human race and offers
them a peaceful death if they surrender. Through this discussion, the family comes to the realization that Roy, the father's assistant is among the dead. This immediately causes Alice to break into tears--after all, good sparring partners are hard to find! The family refuses the generous offer of a peaceful death, so this pisses off Ro-man who threatens them with "indescribable" death! (Whatever that means.)

The mother, Martha, begs with her husband to talk to the creature about a truce. After all, they are running out of food and she has nothing to wear but the same dress as her daughter! (And we all know how women just can't appear together wearing the same
outfit.) Little bit of trivia here: The actresses portraying Alice and Martha bought their own outfits at Orbach's. Do you think that store was running a two-for=one special that day? Anyway, the father refuses to hear such nonsense, and thinks the Ro-Man should come get them.

Our scene switches over to Ro-Man's lair, where we see this hunky fellow lurking about. Gee, could this be the aforementioned Roy? Yup. Roy starts to tinker around with the equipment, but scurries away to avoid capture. Some time later, Roy crawls into the fortress of the family and all rejoice at seeing him. We then find out that the serum the father was working on before the apocalypse to get rid of all illness was effective against the Ro-Man's death ray! He even mentions two unseen people, Jason and McCloud, who are going up into a space ship in two days with enough of the vaccine to inoculate the troops on the space platform. However, they need a way to communicate with the troops up there so they can know that the incoming ship is on friendly business.

Alice now has to rewire the view screen in two days so that they can communicate with the space station without Ro-Man monitoring it. So the "Benedict and Beatrice " of the post-apocalyptic set (brush up on your Shakespeare, folks!) work diligently into the night wiring the view screen. All the while losing track of the time and what day it is. Sadly, she does not meet the deadline.

As if it could not come at a worse possible time, Ro-Man makes another call via view screen upon our heroes to badger them into surrender. He is perplexed that there is six instead of five now which prompts Alice to blurt out about Jason and McCloud. No matter, for thanks to their joy ride to the space station, the Ro-Man knew about those two. (These
fascinating rocket scenes were lifted from the movie Flight to Mars.) We then see the Ro-Man destroy the ship and the space platform in his fury. Ro-Man then reminds the survivors that they are basically screwed and have no hope.

This had made the mother frantic beyond belief—is there but a way we can talk with this creature? The father then decides to make Alice rewire the view screen yet again so that they can talk to Ro-Man without being discovered. So, after a brief nap, Alice and Roy go at it again (rewiring the view screen, that is--get your minds out of the gutter) and now they are ready to talk to Ro-Man. The father starts up the talk with Ro-Man, who is not so interested in meeting the family. He does get miffed at Johnny's less then diplomatic greeting but seems very intrigued by the lovely Alice. He then asks to see Alice on the view screen again, and Alice pouts her lips and in a seductive voice asks for "peace with honor."

This makes the Ro-Man want to meet with Alice alone to discuss the possibilities, and she agrees (but she had to wonder why he would ask her to bring a bottle of wine and wear stiletto heels). The father, being the typical overprotective type, won't hear of his precious daughter going out with some tall, dark, hairy stranger! She, the father, and Roy exchange heated words so they tie her up to keep her from going.

Johnny, however, is going to meet up with the Ro-Man and, boy, won't Ro-Man be disappointed at that!  Then we see Ro-Man near the rendezvous when he sees Johnny. He is bummed to hear that Alice is not coming, so he decides to cheer himself up by trying
to kill the boy. However, the lad survives the attack. Johnny blabs that it was the serum his father invented that kept him and his family safe. Then the Ro-Man was able to get out of him that others had the serum as well, so the Ro-Man now have to work on the calcinator ray to be effective against the inoculated humans. Nice going there, kid

All while this is going on, the father discovers that Johnny is missing. He then sends Roy and Alice out to find the little rascal. So the two have a blissful afternoon romp, even if they had to elude Ro-Man for a few minutes. However, they weren't going to let a death threat get in the way of having some "afternoon delight". Meanwhile, Johnny walks back to the family, letting them know that he blabbed out the whole plan. The father for some reason is not upset with Johnny. Gee, I think I would have grounded the kid for eternity for doing that! The sight of the shirtless and smirking Roy holding hands with the slightly mussed Alice breaks up the somber mood. Mom has a clue what is going on, but Dad has to be let in on the secret. Roy announces that he wants to marry Alice (I guess he has
to. now) and he wants her father to perform the ceremony. (Can Ro-Man be best man—er, monkey?)

So, the next thing we see is the family gathered for the happy occasion. The father is singing the wedding march as the happy couple walks up the "aisle". Okay, I know that this is post apocalypse but shouldn't this guy put his shirt back on? I mean, we know you think you're hot but come on! The father forgets the wedding vows, so he improvises with a prayer. Gotta give the man props for trying. The father then sends them both off for a "honeymoon" but instructs them to come back at dawn for there is a war on. (Well, duh!)

At that moment little Carla (the little brat sister, remember her?) remarks that they need flowers so she runs off. Shouldn’t the mother have run after her? Carla then catches up with the lucky couple to give them the flowers and they then send her back home to the family. Unfortunately for Carla, she meets up with the Ro-Man on her way home. She challenges the Ro-Man who responds by strangling her! (Interesting that this is one of the rare time that a child is killed in a movie; I don't this that would be done today.) Ro-Man is feeling all tough and brave for having snuffed a little girl so he calls up his boss to brag. Through their conversation we discover that he wants to keep Alice alive "in case of unforeseen contingencies." This does not make upper management happy as he reminds him of the original deal.

Roy and Alice are enjoying their romantic holiday amongst the ruins, until they are rudely interrupted by Ro-Man. A series of struggles ensue (gotta admire Alice, she stayed fighting near to the end rather then fainting like other Fifties heroines ) but Roy is defeated and Alice is in Ro-Man's arms. She is putting up a fight at first, screaming and kicking at the creature. Eventually, she puts on a seductive tone, wondering how he got so strong. (Okay, I know she is trying to find his weak spot but why does it sound like she is coming on to him?)

Meanwhile, Carla's parents discover she is dead and proceed to bury her. While they are having the memorial service, Roy stumbles along and tells them that Ro-Man has Alice. Roy then dies, collapsing on the ground. The father is upset at the news but Johnny has a plan. You see, they can pretend to surrender to Ro-Man. While Johnny is distracting Ro-Man, Mom and Dad can rescue Alice--a foolproof plan, no?

Eventually Alice is in Ro-Man's bachelor pad (good thing Ro-Man's roommate, Eegah, was gone for a few days. Ro-Man wants to know if Alice would love him if he were hu-man and makes her feel him up! Ewww! (Ro-Man is more human then he thinks, for he reminds me of some fellows with similar subtle moves. Alice is still trying to find out where the energizer is kept, but Ro-Man has other ideas. He nearly rips off her blouse and starts to tie her up, and, to add insult to injury, knocks her out.

He then gets a message on the view screen from Alice's family. They offer to surrender and, after some badgering, Ro-Man accepts their offer. Then we notice that Alice is tied up, making me wonder if she did that herself? Ro-Man is about to get back to his guest when his boss, the Great Guidance, interrupts him! The Great Guidance is miffed that Ro-Man captured Alice but she is still alive. Apparently the Great Guidance is pretty clueless. He’s also is getting upset with Ro-Man's foolishness and wants him to finish off the family. After some pondering (yes, the important "I must but I cannot" soliloquy) Ro-Man sees Johnny on the view screen. So now he must kill Johnny!

He apologizes to Alice for what he must do, and he then offs Johnny with "physical means" while Alice's parents rescue her and trash Ro-Man's place! Ro-Man's boss decides to terminate Ro man's services permanently. We then see the great Ro-Man dying right alongside Johnny's corpse. However the Great Guidance ain't finished yet. He shoots a beam that brings back the dinosaurs and rips apart the planet. Gee, so much for creating a place for all the Ro-Men to live, eh? All looks dark for the Earth now!

However...

We then see Roy with Johnny in his arms bringing him back to his Mom and sisters. Okay, bad film fans, repeat after me:

It was all a dream!

The mother offers dinner for the two scientists for their help with finding Johnny, while Carla asks to play house. Johnny agrees even if he has to watch out for the Ro-Man. As you all know, they have to laugh at Johnny's childish fantasies. Until we see bubbles and the Ro-Man appearing from the cave--not once but three times. By now my headache was screaming for this flick to end…which it did to my relief.

People have commented on Johnny's odd dream and how disturbing it was. Why if a kid would admit to having such a dream today, they would be marched off to a counselor that moment! I don't think we should analyze it closely; after all, wouldn't anyone have a whacked-out dream like that if they had to sleep on rocks?