By CRYSTAL GULLIROY

There is a problem with finishing an article early in the month, for you have a few weeks to goof off. Such was my case after I had finished writing my thoughts on the immortal classic (yeah, the sun is getting to me, folks) Robot Monster.

I had written and sent it so early into the month that I actually had time to watch a few good movies on DVD (hey, one can't not live by cheesy b-movies alone). Well, one becomes a little lazy when not pressed by a deadline.

Granted, I had great intentions to start on this article after I returned from the Fantasm Convention but I did not. Then came the two weeks of sun, great music, and food known as Jazz Fest which took up some of my free time. Sometime after that, I had to take my mother out for a nice Mother's Day lunch. (Believe me, I am still paying for her accidental viewing of They Saved Hitler's Brain! Who knew that she would develop a taste for Commander's Palace?)

Before I knew it, a deadline was staring me in my face! So I plopped myself down in my (qu)easy chair and started to watch the film I had been assigned to—1957’s Invasion Of The Saucer-Men, released by American International Pictures.

Now I have to tell you that I have seen parts of Invasion Of The Saucer-Men before. To be honest I recall it to be a fun little flick and not at all painful. I mean, I don't think it’s like Monster From Green Hell where I needed to drink three cans of Red Bull to stay awake. I kind of wonder if the meds Doc Seward prescribes at the sanitarium is making Renfield mellow. Sheesh, they should warn the guy about side effects!

This movie had a few titles such as Hell Creatures (promotional title), Spacemen Saturday Night and was released in the UK as Invasion Of The Hell Creatures. It was remade in 1965 as The Eye Creatures, which is known as Attack Of The Eye Creatures to those who saw it on TV.

The movie opens up with credits claiming that the following story is based on a true story. (Yeah, just like the "sworn testimonies" of Plan 9 From Outer Space). True story? Where did they get this from, "Weekly World News"?

It is a dark and stormy night (is there any other kind?) as we are introduced to Mr. Larkin, a farmer.  The only reason we are meeting Mr. Larkin is because the most romantic spot in town is on his property, much to his chagrin. Anyway, thanks to the narrator we are introduced to the lovely people of "Hicksburg". Yes, that is the name of the place. A town where the women are strong, the men are good-looking and the teenagers neck better than the average.

We meet our esteemed (or is that just plain steamed?) narrator Artie (played by Lyn Osborn (Capt Happy of early TV's Space Patrol) and his friend Joe (played by Frank pre-Riddler Gorshin) on a Saturday night at the finest eatery in town. Joe tries to score a date with the waitress but he strikes out. Alas, no joy in Mudville (or Hicksburg) tonight.

Artie gets disgusted at the lack of business prospects in town (what sort of business, I wonder?) and wants to leave in the morning. Artie has had enough excitement for one evening and wants to go home. However, Joe is on the prowl. Perhaps he can hook up with Miss Rose E. Palm tonight? Well, Joe has an encounter all right but not quite the one he was expecting.

Meanwhile in another part of town, a group of young men are hanging outside of a malt shop, talking. Suddenly they see a flying saucer! The owner of the malt shop steps outside to see what the big deal was, and promptly tells an Army Lieutenant what the boys
saw. Suddenly the officer has to leave.

This does not concern a boy named Johnny, for he has a date with his lovely girlfriend, Joan. However, her father, the City Attorney, does not approve of Johnny so she has to sneak out to see him. Yeah, I can see why a father would disapprove of someone like Johnny, who hangs out with his homies outside of a malt-shop. Yep, that's a sure sign of a troubled youngster!

Soon, Joan shows up in her pretty new dress, all ready for her big date to the most romantic place in Hicksburg: The make-out point on Farmer Larkin's cow pasture!  The young lovers drive on to the meeting point, oblivious to the angry farmer. Meanwhile, other young lovers are in the passion pit when Larkin’s prized bull visits them. Yeah, nothing puts me in the mood more then making out in a cow pasture. The bull is a mellow sort of fellow who helps himself to the leftover beer from the cars. Good grief, this is the only bovine who is going to have to enter rehab!

Meanwhile, Joe is back in the room desperately trying to wake up Artie. Joe tells his skeptical roommate about seeing the UFO and is convinced they have a gold mine on their hands! Artie, on the other hand, wants to go back to sleep. So Joe decides to venture forth--after all this could bring loads of money!

We then come back to our romantic leads Johnny and Joan who are in the middle of a passionate embrace. However, they are leaving the make-out spot soon, for they have a secret, they are eloping tonight! Yep, no more having to sneak around to see Johnny for she can see him day and night, night and day. Let's see if I understand the logic here; her father disapproves of Johnny, so secretly eloping is going to solve that problem. (?) Kids, kids, didn't they show you those hygiene movies about marrying too young and for the wrong reasons?

Well, our soon-to-be newlyweds are about to leave when they turn the headlights on. The other smoochers tell them to turn the lights off for they will attract Larkin's attention and get them all in trouble. Johnny then decides to drive with the headlights off (!) until they get to the main highway. However they nearly have a collision with the Army jeep on that lonely stretch of road. Any other pair of kids would have been curious, but those two had a wedding to go to!

The two drive on with Joan making critical comments on the driving. The trip goes merrily enough until they run into someone, or should I say some thing—yes, it’s our first sight of the title creatures which were designed by AIP creature creator Paul Blaisdell. Of course our heroes are a little more then freaked out--after all, won't his insurance go up? The two go to find a phone to report the accident.   Gee, too bad the alien was not alive to exchange insurance information.

Oh well no worries, the creature’s severed hand is alive and will give the necessary info. Eek! This has got to be the single creepy, icky scene of this movie! The hand creeps along, and with its nails, blows out Johnny's tire. Gee, I wonder if the warranty for the tires include damage by invading aliens.

Meanwhile, the Army is investigating the landed space ship. Gee, I thought they wanted to keep everything secret. Shouldn't they be keeping a low profile?  Am I the only one watching this scene with the Army men thinking of the irony of the words "military intelligence"? I find it interesting that this movie pokes fun at the military when they were the hero in so many other movies of the Fifties.

We return to our young lovers as they search for a phone in order to report an invasion (or maybe just to call for a tow truck). Gee, aren't we all glad we have cell phone nowadays! It can make reporting an alien invasion so much faster! As fate would have it, the only phone nearby is at old grumpy farmer Larkin's place. The kids knocks on the door, but there is no
answer.

So, being good citizens of planet Earth, Johnny sees nothing with walking into Larkin's home in order to call the authorities. Johnny makes a phone call to the sheriff's office, but the officer on duty laughs it off as a joke. Yeah, I was so surprised when that happened for that never happens in movies like this!  Meanwhile the storm (remember there was a storm at the start of the movie?) causes the electricity to go out. So Johnny is with his girl in a dark place and all he can think about is calling the police? Soon the door opens, and in the doorway is a farmer with a gun!

It is farmer Larkin who is demanding to know why the two kids are in his house. Johnny tells Larkin about running into something, but Larkin thinks it is one of his cattle. Larkin is ready to call the police but his line is dead, much like the alien. It is at that moment he notices the 100-proof smell on both of the kids, which strikes our heroes as curious, indeed, since they haven’t been drinking.

Joe arrives at the scene (and Larkin is concerned with smooching kids with so many other people on his property?) and he sees the dead alien. One can imagine the dollar signs dancing in his head while he is looking at the damage. However there is something looking at Joe and it is plotting something very different from making a fast buck. Joe leaves the place and winds up at Larkin's home and he walks in to use the phone. Sheesh Larkin, shouldn't you try locking your door? Joe calls up his roomie with news of his incredible find. Joe asks Artie to take everything out of the fridge before he comes home. Lucky for Artie, it won't take long to take out a six-pack of beer, a moldy sandwich and two cookies. After all, isn't that what’s in most single men's refrigerators?

Joe is trying to collect the body, but he is interrupted by an alien attack. Meanwhile, the Army (which is not wanting to start a panic) is out in full force by the abandoned space ship. They open fire on the ship, in order to find out what makes it tick. Our young lovers are walking towards town, with Joan whining all the way about her feet hurting. The police come by and pick them up, much to their relief. It is then they tell the fantastic tale about running into the alien, much to the confusion of the policeman. He then has them blow into a balloon, much to the young lovers confusion.

Johnny and Joan are brought to the police station where they make a statement. However, they realize that they are about to sign a confession. The charge--manslaughter! Needless to say, this makes Joan upset, who mentions who her father is . However daddy is on the way, and is probably working to clear her. The kids still claim that it was not a man they hit with the car but a monster, which gets the policemen upset at their callous attitude. It is not until Johnny and Joan are brought to see the body that they understand why the police are acting so tough. The body in the morgue is not that of an alien, but of Joe!

By now the kids are very confused as to what happened, but they stick to their story. Gee, I thought alien life was supposed to be more evolved then us. Framing somebody is something any human could do to another human, so maybe they have watched us too closely. The scene switches back to the comic relief—ah, military as they still try to break into the spaceship. Sheesh, all they need is some punk kid to hot-wire it. Well, the military are less then successful with breaking into the spaceship and therefore set off an explosion. Now, that’s an anti-theft device!

The necking kids near the site see a bright light, but resume with their activity. However the police force go out to investigate the explosion (so much for keeping things secret), leaving our heroes alone. This gives the young lovers time to talk about what is going on. They conclude that the creatures are intelligent and damaged Johnny's car in order to frame him! Now all they have to do is to go back to the scene of the crime and collect evidence. So, using some sense they escape through a window and steal a car!

So they drive on to the scene of the crime and they start to look for clues. What, no crime scene tape around the place? They are disappointed that they could not find anything, but they do not see a major clue climbing in the backseat of the stolen car! The two prattle on about the night and the aliens as they drive down the road. Little do they realize that an
intergalactic appendage is about to make its appearance.

Joan screams as Johnny swerves the car off the road, thus saving them from its deadly touch. I think Joan is more upset with her skirt being ripped in the door of the car, but that may be just me. Johnny realizes that they have rock hard evidence of the aliens, now to get the adults to listen. He then remembers the address of the late Joe's roommate, so they pay a call on the man.

Artie is, to say the least, skeptical of the whole matter. I mean, wouldn't you be? Funny how Artie is not so upset about the death of his friend. Johnny tells him to call the police to verify the crazy story. Well, after a phone call, Artie agrees to go along with these two crazy kids. After all, he can now exploit his friend Joe just as Joe was about to exploit the alien. Isn't that a dark version of "Pay it forward"?

Meanwhile, on Larkin's farm, a battle of intergalactic importance is about to be fought. In one corner, Larkin's alcoholic bull, and in the other corner, one of the aliens. The alien gives it all its got with its dripping needles which it plunges into the beast. However, the beast has good old-fashioned brute strength and uses it’s horns to gouge the creature’s eye in graphic fashion. However, the bull is laid low from the battle.

Johnny, Joan and Artie get ready to leave to see the alien's hand in the police car. Unfortunately, Joan's car is having issues and will have to be pushed part of the way. Since they very well can't have Artie push it (he's a guest, you know), Joan and Johnny do the honors. Joan's car (named Elvis) starts up and is on the road again. Meanwhile, the discreet bunch of military men is cleaning up the mess from the explosion. They have
managed to convince the local police that the explosion and fire was one of their planes crashing.

We then see the aliens try to break into the police car when our heroes (and Artie) drive up. Is it me or shouldn't they use a more technological way to break into a car? The three try to find the hand but only see it when Johnny turns on the headlights. Artie now wants to take a picture of the alien hand--there should be a tabloid that would want it (like the Weekly World News. However, as the light is shining on the hand, it starts to dissolve. Gee, I wonder if that means anything?

They decide to leave and go on to the police, but Elvis (the car) is having issues again. Not even Artie's gun can keep the aliens away! Then Johnny shines a spotlight on one alien and discovers their weakness. Poof! However, the car’s battery (and lights) grows dimmer and the aliens crowd closer! Now is a great time to scream and run!

Artie is caught by the aliens, and injected with that mysterious fluid from their needle-nails.  Johnny takes a flash picture of the aliens, which momentarily stuns them, and he and Joan run away.

At another part of the farm, the military men are congratulating themselves on destroying the alien menace. They must have destroyed the aliens all right, there were no bodies found anywhere near the ship!

Joan and Johnny take a brief rest while on the run from the creatures. They are trying to figure out a way to rescue Artie and to catch the aliens. Joan has an idea about turning themselves in, for that would draw the police there.

Unfortunately for Johnny, he gets cleared of the charges! You see, it has been discovered that Joe died from  a heart attack from alcohol poisoning. Johnny tried to argue with the officer, but the officer wouldn't hear of it. So our heroes were back to square one!

Joan then gets an idea to get their friends who are still at the point to help them!   So Johnny and Joan round up all their friends to help. Larkin, in the meantime, is tending to his drunken bull. He now knows that he is going to have to enter the bull in a 12-step program.

Johnny is leading his army of teens to attack the alien menace. The teens circle their wagons—ah, hot rods around the aliens and turn on their lights. Then all of the bug-eyed aliens disappear in a puff of smoke before their eyes!

It is then the teens make a happy discovery. Artie is alive (drunk as a skunk but alive)! At this point we discover that the aliens inject pure alcohol into their victims, making them extremely drunk. (I know quite a few people who would volunteer for alien abduction if that were the case!) Since Joe was already drinking, it overloaded his system. Unfortunately for the kids, Artie was the only adult witness of their wild story and he is too drunk to remember what happened.

The joyful victory party is interrupted by a gunshot from Larkin, who is upset about his drunken bull! Okay, monsters from outer space the teens could handle, but a crazy old man with a gun is another story! Wisely, the teens hightail it off of his property that
moment.

Johnny and Joan still make plans to elope that night, with Joan swapping dresses with her maid of honor. As we leave our happy scene, we see Artie in the company of two lovely young ladies. Yeah, there is a concern that more aliens could come back but that would have to be an adult's problem.

So there you have it, the "true" story of an alien invasion stopped by teens and a drunken bull.

What I enjoyed about this movie is that it was fun to watch, not the typical alien invasion melodrama of the day. Most of the reviews I have read talked about how one of the movie's charms is that it did not take itself seriously at all. One might say it is the perfect little film for a summer night…it’s fun and it’s short!