Next up was Two Thousand Maniacs. We got us some banjo music and a catchy tune... sure doesn’t sound like it’s going to be another gore movie.

Well, these two guys are scouting out cars on the highway, and when they find one they’re interested in, they set up a detour sign. All this happens as the song plays on with the refrain, "the South’s gonna rise again". I can dig that! A car with Illinois plates has been detoured into the town of Pleasant Valley, FL, which is celebrating it’s centennial (1865-1965).

As the musicians (the Pleasant Valley Boys) stroll up the main drag, the townspeople are decking it out with confederate flags. Looks like this is going to have a Yankees vs. Confederates theme, as this little blonde kid just put a noose around a cat that was wearing a "damn Yankee" sign. I wasn’t expecting this, but it’s cool.

A second car with northern plates is detoured into town. Hey, hey, it’s Connie Mason and she’s paired up with the detective guy from the last movie (Thomas Wood). As the first car arrives on the main street, it’s mobbed by a welcoming crowd of townspeople and a greeting by the Mayor. The two couples are told that they are the guests of honor for the centennial celebration.

The same thing happens to Connie Mason and her rider. She plays the part of Terry Adams who has picked up Tom White, a school teacher whose car broke down on the way to a teachers’ convention in Atlanta. The other two couples, John and Bea Miller and David and Beverly Wells, meet Terry and Tom and they are all escorted to the hotel. I don’t know, but I got a feeling they are in for a few surprises!

I’d say the plan is to get everybody off on their own. This cute chick, Betsy, (kinda reminds me of Lil’ Abners’ Daisy Mae), takes off with John Miller, while Harper, a handsome Southern boy (kinda like me!), makes arrangements to meet with Bea Miller. He manages to get her off alone in the woods, and hey, now they’re makin’ out.

Dang, I can’t make a move here, because Bambi is still working on her popcorn! Now for some reason, Harper is showing Bea his hunting knife and he cuts her hand, lots of blood, and oh yeah, here’s the gore, he just cut off her thumb! He takes her back to the Mayor’s office where along with our detour boys, Lester and Rufe, they pretend to help the hysterical Bea. Now what, oh boy, she’s on the table, he’s got an ax, and off goes an arm! As Bea dies on the table, they’re gonna what? The arm will be the main course at the evening’s barbecue.

Meanwhile, our somewhat intelligent Tom is telling Terry that he is a bit suspicious about this whole deal, and that if northerners are guests of honor at a Southern centennial, then it must have something to do with the Civil War. He decides to check things out with his teacher friends in Atlanta, but the townspeople control the phones and stymie his efforts.

Our musicians start up again as we’re now at the barbecue, and of course there on the spit is Bea’s arm, nicely toasted. How appropriate, the song is "Rollin’ In My Sweet Baby’s Arms"! At least the guys behind this movie have a sense of humor, too.

Ok, John Miller is there with Betsy. Boy, is he tanked! Can’t handle the White Lightning! Tom finds Terry at the barbecue and takes her off into the woods where he shows her a marker that helps explain what is going on. Back in 1865 some renegade Union soldiers laid waste to Pleasant Valley and killed and mutilated many of its citizens. The marker also states that vengeance is pledged in their memory. How cool is that!

Fearing for their lives, Tom and Terry escape back into town. Back at the barbecue, Harper escorts David and Beverly Wells back to the hotel, too, but it looks like they have other plans for John Miller. He’s gonna be in a horse race, they say. Oh man, now I don’t believe this, but it ain’t no race. There are four horses and each one is tied to a different arm and leg. They’re not gonna do what I think they are, are they?

Sure enough, old John is pulled apart in four different directions as the townspeople cheer. There goes a leg behind that horse, lots of blood and gore there, and now the folks are singing "Dixie". I was into this Southern revenge thing, but now I guess it’s gone a bit too far, even for me.

As the next day dawns, I’d say that David and Beverly are next on the list. Once again Betsy and Harper break up the couple, as several of the townspeople dispose of John Miller’s various body parts in the local lake.

Betsy takes David to a barrel roll, with the barrel all decked out in confederate flags. David is told that the barrel is going to be rolled down the hill, but before that can happen he has to crawl through it, part of the ceremony, you know. Is this guy dense or what? He less than willingly agrees to crawl through, but of course he isn’t allowed out.

The Mayor pounds a bunch of nails into the barrel and down the hill it goes with David inside. At the bottom of the hill we get to see a dead and very bloodied David, who is then disposed of in the lake as well. Meanwhile, Tom and Terry make their escape from the hotel, and are chased by Harper into the countryside, where he ends up in quicksand.

Beverly Wells has been escorted to another event, this one called Teetering Rock. It reminds me of a dunk tank, but instead of getting dunked into water, I’m guessing that huge rock is going to fall when the target is hit. She is told that she is going to be a judge, but instead allows herself to be tied to the platform under the rock. (I’m sorry, but these Yankees really were dumb!) Eventually someone hits the target and poor Beverly is splattered.

Tom and Terry have made their way back into town and run into Billy, the little blonde kid who earlier had hung the cat. They bribe him into leading them to their car which is at the local repair shop. The Mayor and gang find out about this and begin their pursuit, but Tom and Terry make good on their escape, ditching Billy along the way. I’m glad of that, as that kid was really obnoxious!

They make their way to see the County Sheriff, who after hearing their story, thinks they’re drunk, as the town of Pleasant Valley doesn’t exist anymore. They return to the scene, the roads and town are gone, and the Sheriff tells the story of a Pleasant Valley which existed 100 years ago. As they depart the scene, the memorial marker fades into thin air.

Tom and Terry drive off to Atlanta, while we see Lester, Rufe, and a back from the quicksand Harper walk off into the woods and disappear into thin air as well. I get it now. All these people were ghosts from the past, exacting revenge, and they plan to be back in another 100 years.

Oh man, I got so involved in watching this flick that I showed no interest in getting to know Bambi better. What is wrong with me? Strike Two.

Now it was the second intermission, and after this I figured I still had one entire movie left to make my move. But first it was time for a much needed bathroom break. I told Bambi that I’d meet her at the entrance to the concession stand. Not much of a line in the men’s room, so I had plenty of time to stop for another RC. As it turned out I probably had time for two or three sodas and a three course dinner.

What is it with girls and going to the bathroom? More than likely she must have met some of her friends and the chit chat was going on. This was taking way too long, and I started getting anxious about missing the start of the final movie. Sure enough, after what seemed like an eternity, Bambi comes strolling by with friends in tow. Count your blessings, Billy Ray! At least she didn’t skip out on you.

We made it back to the GTO just in time for the start of the last movie, Color Me Blood Red. This one has those drums in it again... oh, well. This art gallery owner is taking a picture outside to the back of his building, he douses it with gasoline and starts it on fire. I guess he doesn’t like it. Blood is running out of the picture frame as the opening credits roll.

We’re introduced to this artist, Adam Sorg, and boy, does he have a problem. He can’t seem to get his paintings to come out as he would like, especially the color. His girlfriend, Gigi, a hot little number if I do say so, startles him and he brushes her face with red paint. They argue, and she reminds him that he has a big showing in one hour at the Farnsworth Galleries.

The crowd at the art gallery doesn’t seem all that enthused as Sorg arrives. An art critic at the showing pans his work, but two ladies at the show can’t figure out why Sorg’s works aren’t appreciated more.

Now what the heck are these things? Sorg is outside his beach home, pedaling some kind of bicycle paddle wheel device through the water. Seems like a lot of effort to get nowhere. Gigi joins him on another paddle bike, and he dumps her in the water. This Sorg guy is some kinda jerk!

Farnsworth, the gallery owner, has shown up to acquire more paintings, especially red ones because they are selling well. The temperamental Sorg smashes a painting on the floor, and then takes Gigi to a back room for some fun, if you get my drift. Man, I have got to figure out a way to get Bambi closer to me, these bucket seats aren’t that bad! When Gigi comes back, she cuts her finger while attempting to pick up the broken frame on the floor, and of course her blood spatters all over the canvas.

Sorg then realizes it is exactly the color red he has been looking for. I think I can tell you already what’s going to happen in this movie. Sorg sets up a picture he has started, a portrait of Gigi , and then asks her to smear some of the blood from her cut onto it. He cuts her again and applies the blood, but she quickly tires of that. So he cuts himself and applies the blood to the painting, but in the process he grows weak, and realizes he’ll need a new source for his blood paint. Bambi really seems taken in by this stuff...how can I make something happen here?

Gigi discovers Sorg, asleep and weak. As she cleans him up, she tells him that he is a fool and that the undertaker will have to finish his painting. This all sure seems pretty tame so far. She continues to chastise him, and oh boy, here we go again, he just jammed a paint brush into her head. Lot’s of dripping blood, and now he takes her dead body and rubs her bleeding head all over the canvas. Jeez, some nice guy!

Some new characters enter the story, the kids, April, Rolf, Jack, and Sydney. They’re just too weird, talking like beatniks, especially this Sydney girl. They’re all headed for a day at a secluded beach. If this date with Bambi doesn’t work out, this beach thing sounds like a pretty good idea about now, with whomever. I won’t be too picky!

So Sorg buries Gigi’s body on the beach; like don’t you know it’s probably the same beach these kids are gonna show up at. He then takes his newly finished painting to the art gallery, where Farnsworth has the critic standing by at Sorg’s request. Sorg unveils his masterpiece, and get this, the critic actually likes it! Farnsworth wants $15,000 for the thing and immediately has a buyer (April’s mom).

Commenting on Sorg’s new work, he says, "I know Adam Sorg, and his blood is in this one." Ho ho ho, there’s that sense of humor again. Sorg refuses to sell it and is challenged by the critic to paint another.

Sorg returns home to work on the new painting. He quickly realizes that he needs blood to make it work. OK, now I told you this was going to happen, the goofy kids just showed up on Sorg’s beach. But there’s another couple there, makin’ out of course. I’m really blowing it here tonight with Bambi. What is my problem? The make out couple discover those paddle bike things, which seem to have gotten an awful lot of play in this movie for not being that cool.

While they’re paddling around, Sorg gets in his boat and is heading right at them. Man, he’s got this harpoon thing and he goes right at the guy and, splat, harpoon to the chest, squirting blood, the girl freaks out, and then Sorg proceeds to run the guy over with his outboard motor. The girl continues her screaming as we see body parts and lots of blood floating in the water.

Now with the addition of the new blood, the painting is much more to Sorg’s liking. But he seems to be running out of blood again. Oh brother, he has the girl tied up to a wall in the back room. She’s dripping blood from her mouth, but, oh gross, he has her guts splayed open and they’re just kinda hanging there. This has got to freak Bambi out, right? No such luck, I think she might be really enjoying this stuff. Go figure. Sorg squeezes more blood from the hanging intestines. Yuk!

The new painting is displayed and a buyer found (again April’s mom) but Sorg says that this one is not for sale either. Now the kids are going to head for Sorg’s beach again, this time hoping to find it deserted. As the kids arrive at the beach and get set up for their picnic, I’m thinking I’ve really got to do something here pretty quick. I muster up all my courage and ask Bambi to slide over a little, which she does. At least now I can watch the rest of the movie with my arm around her. Now I just have to find an appropriate time for the big kiss.

Back at the beach, April takes off to change into her swimsuit behind Sorg’s house. As she returns she encounters Sorg working on a painting outside. He tells her he is looking for a model. She can’t decide if she wants to do it or not, and says she might return in the evening. Not too bright, hey?

As night falls, the goofy kids are now roasting marshmallows and weenies. April tells them she can’t make up her mind about posing for Sorg. Rolf says he just wants to paint her in the nude. Hah, he didn’t get the reaction he wanted out of that line! April takes the car to supposedly go to a gas station to call Sorg and tell him she’s not interested in posing. Instead she goes to his house.

This April just isn’t playing with a full deck. Sorg has her stand on a ladder to pose with her arms raised. As she tires, she allows Sorg to tie her up. Man, she is so dense! Jack and Sydney have gone off looking for firewood, and in their search they discover Gigi's buried body, now crawling with worms (I told you so). Rolf runs up to the house, not knowing it’s Sorg’s, to call the cops.

OK, now Sorg is going for his ax, this ought a be good. Nope, Rolf to the rescue. He confronts Sorg about the corpse on the beach. Sorg admits to the murder and the fact that he is painting with human blood. He’s going after Rolf with the ax, Rolf picks up a convenient shot gun and proceeds to blow off Sorg’s face in all its bloody glory. Sorg stumbles onto a canvas, now covered with his blood, and dies. The movie ends where it began, with blood flowing from the burning picture.

As hard I tried to get some action going with Bambi during this movie, things just never worked out right. As the movie came to an end, I was resigned to the fact that tonight it just wasn’t meant to be. Strike three. I made sure I wouldn’t embarrass myself by forgetting to take the speaker off the window. On the way home, Bambi struck up a conversation about the movies. I guess she had a pretty good time.

As I walked Bambi to her door, all I could think of was getting past the inevitable awkward kiss that I wanted to plant on those luscious lips. To my delight, she planted a big one on me! "How about next weekend we go see that Frankenstein Created Woman movie that was in the coming attractions?", she asked. Ain’t life grand!

 (Author’s note: These three movies were written, produced, and directed by the team of Herschell Gordon Lewis and David Friedman. They were the first to bring gore to the screen, and their movies were the predecessors to the slasher flicks of later decades. Also, the characters Billy Ray and Bambi are completely fictional. Any resemblance to actual human beings, living or deceased, is purely coincidental.)