There's been some pretty lame excuses for monsters in horror flicks, like crawling carpets and oversized bunny rabbits, but this movie takes the Alpo. Read on and you'll find out how a pack of mutts wearing dime-store props were transformed into...
By CRYSTAL GUILLORY Hello again HORROR-WOOD readers, 'tis I, the lovely mistress of cheesy movies ready to tell you about another bad movie classic. This one that I am going to talk about is a little more well known than the one I discussed last month (go on, read it now if you like). The film I am going to review this month is the infamous "mangy monster" classic, otherwise known as The Killer Shrews. Okay, I am waiting for you to stop laughing now. Those familiar with b-movies and low budget flicks know about this "flea-bitten" feature from 1959. However for the benefit of the rest of the audience, I will go on (and on) about this movie. This shaggy epic was directed by Ray Kellogg (okay, let's get the cereal jokes out of your heads please) and it stars James Best (who was in The Dukes Of Hazzard as Sheriff Roscoe P. Coltrane) Ingrid Goude (who was Miss Universe in 1957) and Ken Curtis (Festus of Gunsmoke who sorely needed Marshall Dillon and Miss Kitty around). Those are the biggest names of this feature, which gives you the exact idea of its budget.
However the biggest stars of the movie are dogs who fearlessly played the shrews. I am not kidding about this. The dogs have fake fangs, fake fur, and shrew "masks" covering their muzzles, all for the purpose of making them look like giant shrews. The movie starts with a cloudy scene and a narration. At this point I am on alert, for most low-budget movies had to rely on narration to cut down on the cost of synching dialogue. The narrator Dr.ones on and on about the shrew to the point of aggravation of this viewer. I wanted to watch a movie, not get a lecture on how shrews eat three times their body weight and devour everything in sight. Oh, like this is anything special--just try to find something to eat at the buffet after my aunt Bertha was there. Need I say more? Since it was like a lecture from Biology class, I did what I normally do with classroom lectures and dozed off. I was given a friendly thump (damn near causing a concussion) to wake me up so that I won't miss the exciting beginning. Oh yes, how could I ever Dr.eam to sleep through the thrilling moments of the first mate (a black, whose portrayal definitely was not PC) Rook (Judge Dupree) and Captain Thorne (James Best) talking poetically about the coming storm? The nautical duo are bringing cargo to this mysterious island. So, like any genius in a low-budget horror film they decide that a creepy mysterious place is the best place to stay during a storm.
They land the ship and set out to deliver the cargo to the person on this island. Dr. Craigis, his daughter Anne and her fiancée, Jerry Lacey (good old Festus) with his pet gun, meet them at the dock on this island. Pretty soon it becomes apparent that the Captain and Rook must stay at the Doctor's island home until the storm passes over. What better way to endure a storm than to have lots of martinis courtesy of the servant Mario? So the alcohol starts flowing and the talk turns to... science (Now what did you think I was going to say?). Dr. Radford Baines starts rambling on about the science experiments involving the Hoskins factor (whatever that is) and his encyclopedic knowledge of shrews.I think the writers had him ramble on about the facts of shrews just in case the audience fell asleep during the oh-so exciting introduction. This gives them a second chance to catch some winks. After a few more martinis and shrew-ish talk, the Captain is shown to his room. So that leaves the engaged couple some time alone, and to have a lover's spat. While most couples have fights about leaving the toilet seat up, Jerry performed the biggest no-no in this relationship: he accidentally released the mutant shrews to the wild while he was drunk (yeah, hard to believe huh?). Needless to say this has caused a strain in their relationship.
In the midst of all this "action," Rook (the un-PC token black first mate) goes down to the harbor to secure the boat. After all, a hurricane is coming (or did you forget that plot point already?). He is successful at getting the boat safe in the harbor, but his moment of victory is short for he hears the noise...the noise of the Killer Shrews! Rook runs away, using his gun to shoot at the creatures. However crepe hair and rubber tails must make a good barrier against bullets, because the shrews kept coming. It is then that Rook decides to impersonate a cat by climbing a tree...however he just happen to choose a very skinny tree. Soon the tree breaks, leaving poor ole' Rook to become Alpo for the shrews. Meanwhile back at Dr. Craigis' island home, the martinis are flowing as the hurricane is raging outside. Never mind that this hellacious storm is starting fires outside, as long as the liquor cabinet is unharmed all is okay. At this time the Captain is concerned, for Rook has missed happy hour, so he decides to go out to find him. This does not make Anne happy and she begs him not to go. To emphasize her point she pulls a gun on the captain. Well, this Captain must have some weird fetish, for he starts getting friendly with Anne.
It is at this point that we find out what the late Rook already saw, that the shrews have grown to the size of full grown dogs! (Hence the dogs in costume, much to PETA's dismay, no doubt.) There are "200 to 300" of these creatures that just happen to travel in packs of four or five (mainly for the sake of budget). The cozy talk of shrews is interrupted by Jerry staggering in and the scientists making more shrew talk. The power goes out in the home, while the horses in the stable become dog chow for the hungry hungry shrews. The group manages to find enough candles to fully light the place (after all, martinis are kind of hard to mix in the dark; one slip and there's too much vermouth). Dr. Craigis then comes to a frightening conclusion: If the shrews could make their way into the stable they could dig through the adobe floors. Okay, who was the architect for this house, one of the Three Little Pigs? For those who don't know, adobe is mud. Who's a-fraid of the big, bad shrews... The time grows late and they decide to post guard in shifts. Mario the bartender has the first shift; I guess they figure he could get the shrews drunk on enough martinis. Poor Mario gets tricked into pulling a double shift by the drunken low-life Jerry. Jerry hears strange noises in the cellar. He decides to call on the captain to come with him. Apparently the shrews had a taste for trousers for they shredded up poor Mario's.
This heinous case of trouser tearing evidently was enough to kill poor Mario, whose martini recipe died with him. It is just then that Dr. Baines reveals that he discovered that a single scratch or bite could be deadly, for the shrews' saliva carries a deadly toxin. So if one of the shrews even licked the protagonists, they could still die a horrible death. Wanting to take a breather from the martini swilling and from flirting with Anne, the brave captain decides to go down to the harbor to check out the boat. Jerry decides to join the Captain, but he really plans on making him kibbles 'n' bits for the shrews. Jerry tries to kill the captain, but the good captain instead gives him a huge dose of whup ass. He also takes Jerry's gun, finally showing a glimmering of good sense. However the two get a shock when they find out what has happened to poor old Rook. Yep, nothing but leftovers was left of the token soul. There was also a gun left behind (gee, I was surprised the shrews didn't eat that). Jerry is freaked out by the scene of Rook's demise and begs for his gun back. The Captain, being the trusting sap he is, returns a gun to the jealous lout who just tried to kill him earlier. Hmmm...maybe heavy drinking does affect the short term memory after all.
Jerry shows his gratitude by running back to the house and locking the captain out. So the captain jumps the fence (gee, and they didn't even have Air Jordans back then) and gives Jerry a second dose of whup ass. The captain is all set to throw him over the fence, but then he remembered that he is the good guy and good guys really don't do that--at least, they didn't in 1959. Then things really look bad for our survivors; the shrews are getting close to entering in. In fact one managed to break through and get a nip at Dr. Baines. Dr. Baines thought there was no damage, but died while writing about the effects of shrew poisoning (a first-hand account).
The group console themselves with more martinis while trying to use furniture as a barricade from the animals. As a last resort, the bar cart is used as a barrier. At this point the group realizes that they really need to get out of there and find a decent bar. The group sneaks out into the courtyard while the shrews are let out into the house (who let da shrews out, woof woof woof...ahem, sorry). The captain thinks about going up to the roof, but then seeing a group of oil drums he gets a crazy yet clever idea. His idea is to make a mini-tank out of the drums and crawl on the ground inside them to get to the boat. Using the handy welding torch in the courtyard (What? You don't have one in your courtyard or porch? Tsk, tsk) he welds the drums together and makes peepholes.
The crazy contraption is made and most of the group is ready to go. However, Jerry wants to stay to keep his pet gun company. The group try to convince him otherwise, but they really were too happy to leave him to his own devices. Jerry watches the mini-tank slink off, figuring the shrews will go after that. He then makes his own way to the ship, however a group of shrews change his plans immediately! Ken-L-Ration time! The mini-tank creeps along, in spite of shrews attacking at the feet of the people. The group eventually makes it out to the shore, then float out to the sea. Amazingly the shrews can't swim, so the survivors are safe. They then board the boat, leaving the shrew-ish island forever. The captain makes a romantic overture towards Anne, and all is well....except for three dead people and an island loaded with dogs in rubber masks who think they're shrews. Well folks, that is a brief overview of this dog of a movie. I just hope I am not in the doghouse for presenting this movie to all of you. Really, it's a great party film, especially if the booze flows freely. Speaking of which, if you excuse me, I have the oddest urge for a martini...and a dog biscuit. (Crystal Guillory is vice-president of the New Orleans Worst Film Festival. Click here to read more about it. You can contact Crystal personally here.) That's just great, Crystal...I give you an assignment and you come back with a "shaggy dog" story! I hope those "shrews" shed all over your carpet. And furthermore...you got another one of those martinis? Article copyright © Crystal Guillory |
