By CRYSTAL GUILLORY

Hi readers!

Gee, I would think Renfield would like a gift of a wind-up heart shaped clock for Valentine's day last month. I wound it up and set the time so as to save Renfield the trouble, but it turned out to give me trouble in the long run. Gee, didn't think a ticking gift could cause such a huge ol' ruckus. eh?

Well, obviously he was still a little sore over the whole incident (Gee, did he really have to send the gift to the bomb squad?) and it showed in this month's assignment. Imagine my horror and surprise when I read the title of this month's movie Shriek Of The Mutilated.

Excuse me? Shriek Of The Mutilated is my next movie to endure…ah…watch? Has Renfield been eating a bad batch of flies lately? I mean, is he thinking about turning this cool family friendly e-zine into a gore-filled rag?   I had this horrible thought of red-tinted Karo syrup flowing like wine while buxom "scream queens" were about to have some "wardrobe malfunctions" throughout the Website. (I can hear the male readers thinking, "And the problem is?")

I then sighed and realized that if it is to change I can go with the flow. The only thing I could do now is to pop the tape into the VCR and watch it, bracing for the worst.

When the movie begins we see these drawings of a Yeti while the narrator drones on. We discover that the narrator is Professor Prell of a very small college class  which consists of Keith, Karen, Lynn and Tom and they are all going for a Yeti hunt in New Jersey this weekend! (Gee, the things some kids would do for extra credit, eh?) Hold a minute, did he say "Yeti"? I am not an expert on legendary creatures but the "Yeti" is supposed to be in the Himalayas while the "Sasquatch" is our homeboy monster. Oh wait, I'm trying to use logic in one of these movies?

Anyway, Professor Prell is taking them to his friend's place where the Yeti has been seen. It is a long trip so he advises the students to get a good night sleep, but most of them have a wild party in mind. Keith, on the other hand, passes on the party since he has been invited to have dinner with the professor. (Like I said, the things some kids do for extra credit...) This annoys Keith's girlfriend, Karen, so she is even more intent on going to the party that night with Tom and Lynn.

The next thing we see is that swinging, wild party all these hip kids are going to. You can tell this is a happening party since these wild party animals are popping...popcorn! I wonder if this is the only time the cheesy Seventies hit "Popcorn" was part of a horror film soundtrack? (A little trivia here, this song is not on the DVD of this movie due to legal reasons.)

Meanwhile, in another part of town, Keith and Prell are having dinner and discussing Keith's future. Just then, Prell decides its time for Keith to taste the "Specialty of the House", the "Gin Sung," which is a rare dish indeed. Hmmm, isn't it odd that the Prell doesn't say what kind of meat this is? Now I thought mystery meat was only on the menus of college and high school cafeterias.

Back at the swinging party, the ultra-fun couple, Spencer Ste. Claire and April Ste. Claire arrives. Spencer had a promising academic career in front of him until a doomed field trip with Professor Prell turned him into the alcoholic maintenance man he is today. Lynn, being the friendly sort she is goes over and introduces herself to him as a current student of Professor Prell. Oh she should not have done that for this triggers a flashback in him concerning the field trip to "Hudson's Bay" where he and Professor Prell were the only survivors since the rest of the class were eaten by the Yeti. ( Gee, why should he complain? After all that meant he had the highest grades in that class!)

Somehow, tales of a doomed field trip have a way of dampening a swinging party. April is mortified with her husband's drunken behavior that night and those two had a major fight which ends with Spencer slitting her throat. Ewwww! Obviously, murder can take a lot out of a guy so now he is having a nice relaxing soak in the tub, completely unaware that his wife is not dead yet. Nope, that plucky miss has enough gumption to grab a toaster plug it into the bathroom socket (or get an extension cord perhaps) and throw it in the tub! There readers you have the first (and only) literally shocking moment of the movie.

The next day, the quartet of students and Prell pile into his swinging van for the long drive to exotic Boot Island. There they meet up with Prell's friend, Dr. Waring, who has seen the elusive Yeti on his property. The four are shown to their rooms and that leaves us a little time for some relationship drama between Keith and Karen. It seems that she is upset that he didn't join her at the party last night. Well, he was busy brown-nosing…ah…talking with the Professor.

Karen decides to take a walk when she gets the scare of her life, she sees a shirtless "Indian" chop wood. Dr. Waring hears her screams and explains this is his mute "Indian" servant Laughing Crow. (Am I the only one who thinks Laughing Crow came from the Italian section of the Indian reservation?) This scare sends her off into Keith's arms where the two proceed to check each other's tonsils for a few minutes.

After dinner the students were entertained by Tom's ditty on "the Yeti". Wow, had no idea one of Tom's professor's was Tom Lehrer? (Do a Google search on him if you have no idea who he is and listen to his music!) For an encore, Tom delivers with a huge belch while complaining about the dinner. Keith has figured out it is the dish "Gin Sung" and is told its an Indian recipe. Dr. Waring then has a weird acid-like flashback involving the Yeti (this is using a weird reverse negative effect which is hard on the eyes in my opinion) and tells the students his tale.

The next day the group goes on its Yeti hunt, well, all except for Tom, who thinks its deer season. So, armed with a shotgun, he walks off alone into the woods, fully ignoring all the rules in horror movies that tell you not to do this. He should have listened to this rule, for a hungry "Yeti" in tennis shoes was on a hunt for it was human season. Meanwhile, back at the ranch, the remaining three students worry about the missing Tom. Lynn, who had been sweet on him, is very upset to the point of hysteria. Prell then orders her to stay home the next morning while the others search for Tom.

While the three are out in the woods, Lynn has a heart-to-heart talk with Dr. Waring concerning Laughing Crow. (Does anyone else here think that Laughing Crow, Torgo of Manos fame, and Lobo should form a union for creepy assistants?) We find out that Laughing Crow was a prisoner of the Yeti for three days before escaping, but was treated harshly (he was beaten and his tongue muscle was cut out by his reservation).

After a lovely story like that, Lynn decides to take a walk through the estate. She takes a peek into the greenhouse and runs out of there screaming! (Somehow I don't think it was a plant that freaked her out that much, readers.) She blindly runs into the woods and she gets her foot caught in rocks, thus making her Yeti prey. This has got to be one of the few horror movies where the good girl bites the dust!

Meanwhile, poor Karen finds Tom's leg, much to her horror and disgust.

Okay, with the numbers dwindling any sane person would give up the Yeti search and get the surviving students out of harm's way. Too bad that obviously doesn't apply to Prell who is even more hell bent on capturing the yeti and wants to use Tom's leg as bait. Keith suggests that they call the police but they forget the fundamental horror movie rule about the phones not working at a key moment. So, to put it bluntly they are all "stuck like chuck".

The leg is used for Yeti bait, but the plan fails miserably. So, Prell has the idea of using Lynn's body to attract the creature.( Gee, I think Lynn would rather have attracted big hairy creatures when she was alive, don't you?) Karen does not like that idea and shrieks endlessly about it. (I thought only the mutilated were supposed to shriek in this movie!)

Karen decides to take matters into her own hands that very night while everyone else was asleep. She sneaks out of the house to the greenhouse where Lynn's body is, only to find Tom's! She freaks out and shrieks yet again much to the annoyance of the audience. Then she wakes up in her bed, being told by Prell and the others that she was only dreaming. This does not calm her down as she begins to seriously doubt her sanity (just as I am  right now for watching this movie).

Prell and Keith set up the Yeti bait, making plans to get the creature tonight. Keith and Prell set up the trap for the beast while Karen waits with her camera. However, the creature attacks Karen and runs off, avoiding the tasty bait waiting for it. Keith goes off searching for the beast (funny how it looks like day light now) following his very loud heartbeat.

Strangely enough, this leads him to a speaker, which starts playing calliope music! While trying to fathom the surreal discovery in the woods, he is conked on the head from behind with a branch!

Back at the Waring home, Laughing Crow is listening to the tape of calliope/heartbeat sounds when he is told to prepare dinner for Prell. Laughing Crow then gets the secret ingredient that was being stored in the greenhouse and uses one of the many recipes in his favorite cookbook "To Serve Man". If you guessed that Waring and Prell are cannibals, you're right! The two men are now discussing how to frighten Karen to death, for the ritual dish must be without a bruise. Keith arrives at the moment to hear of their plan but a bloody soup bone conks him out.

Meanwhile Waring and Prell begin their "let's scare Karen to death" plan while getting ready for their dinner party. Wow, the many things one must do to get ready for company eh? Prell gets ready to move the van but Keith decides to save him the trouble by moving it for him. He is about to escape when he sees all these cars driving to Waring's place so he drives off the side of the road. Alas this gets the van stuck so he has to get help from the local deputy who just happened to be driving out that way. Ah, that sounds fishy to me too, readers.

Karen wakes up to the sight of the Yeti outside of her window, which fills her full of fear. Personally, I think I would be laughing at the ridiculous sight of this thing, but maybe Karen has issues with walking rugs. The Yeti chases her through the house ‘til she is stuck in the bathroom, hearing the creature's foul noise and smelling his fouler smell. Then the cabinet opens and Laughing Crow comes out with a knife, sending her to her fright-filled doom! The Yeti brings her down the stairs to the living room and we discover that it was Dr. Waring.

Waring and Prell then sip on coffee and congratulate each other on a job well done. Keith and the policeman arrive at Waring's just as the guests get there for dinner.   We discover that this is a gathering for cannibalistic cultists who gather for an unholy feast every year. Keith bursts in, demanding to see Karen (That's a rather tender subject right now isn't it?) and expecting the policeman to do his duty. To Keith's surprise, the policeman is a member of the cult Through dialogue we discover that the Yeti was a cover-up for the activities of the cult.( My, kinda like a dark conclusion of a "Scooby Doo" episode, eh?)

Every year, a member gets to host a feast, and this year it was Prell's turn just as it was seven years ago back in Hudson's Bay. (Gee, do you all see a connection now?)

Just then, Prell gets a message from the leader who wants to know how things are going. Prell explains that the mission was a success and that the one who was to continue the Yeti legend was initiated into their fold unknowingly.

Keith begins to ponder what that means and he begins to have a mental meltdown.   Poor sod, he is acting like someone has told him he ate hamburger from a mad cow or a chicken from Delaware. You think the side dish of fava beans and Chianti at the restaurant would have been major clues.  Oh yeah, and the fact that Dr. Hannibal Lector was sitting at the next table that night.

Well, on the plus side, Keith does get to see Karen but not in the way he wants. (I guess he shouldn't have referred to her as a dish so many times within Prell's earshot, eh?) Okay, these guys are disgusting cannibals but they do know a think or two about presentation.

Well, Keith tries to rescue Karen. After all should any other guy nibble on her ear or neck? This upsets the dinner guests as they fork him to death. No really, they attack him with forks! Keith does wake up and is led to the serving table where he is given the choice  "white meat or dark?" (What about the piece that went over the fence?)

I'll be darned, all these cultists must be on the Atkins diet! After all a spotless victim must have less carbs then one killed with a knife right?

Arrrgh, this movie has given me a bad taste in my mouth, but I have found out some interesting background information. This movie was helmed by Michael and Roberta Findlay, the first couple in exploitative filmmaking. The two have produced such "classics" as Satan's Bed (starring a young Yoko Ono), The Curse Of Her Flesh, and the controversial Snuff. Oddly enough, Michael Findlay died in a helicopter accident after directing Snuff and that seems ironic to me.

Now to give you all a tiny morsel of advice before signing off. If you know people who love to heckle b-movies/drive-in movies, this is the perfect one for them!