The legitimate theatre is no stranger to horror--after all, the original film version of Dracula was adapted from a successful stage play.  And the theater itself has been the focus of a few horror flicks, with the stage awash in blood and more than one performance ending in a grisly death.  For our money, though, the best of these "horror in the theatre" flicks is the one we're about to examine, a movie that mixes gruesome humor with even more gruesome murder and where theatre critics have their poison pens turned against them.  Indeed, In this fright film version of "Shakes-speare," an anguished Hamlet is more likely to say...

By CRYSTAL GUILLORY

Even though I had misgivings about that repairman, Corbus (was it me or did I see horns under his hat?), he did a great job of fixing my central air conditioning. In fact, he did too good of a job for I am freezing as I write this. Yes, for the first few hours, I was very grateful for the change but it is a little bit much now.

Oh well, while in my frozen crypt I happened to check out the package which contained my next assignment. As soon as I opened the package I was certain that Hell (as well as my apartment) had frozen over…for I discovered I have been given a decent assignment.

Did I say "decent"? I should say fantastic, since my assignment is Vincent Price's own personal fright favorite--Theatre Of Blood.

After the shock wore off, I began to speculate what kind of meds Doc Seward gave my editor for him to give me a break like this. Wow, whatever it was, I hope he keeps administering it to him in large doses. However, a dark thought entered my head when I wondered if this was a trick, after all. Yes, for I all know, he could have placed a disk of Gigli or Frankenfish in this DVD box just to play with my head. The sigh of relief I breathed was heard throughout the neighborhood that day as I opened the box and saw that the disk was, indeed, Theatre Of Blood.

I started to have performance anxiety concerning handling this movie. For so long I’ve been assigned schlocky cinema, I was afraid of not giving this one enough respect. Gads, what if I slip and make a snarky comment at Vincent's expense? I mean, can I do an adequate job to a movie with such a fan base? This movie has even inspired a stage play in London no less!

Okay...breathe deeply…you can do this…

Alright, I'm better now and ready to tackle this wonderful black comedy.

As you all know, this is the part of the article where I talk endlessly about any background information about this movie. I could mention such trivia about how six gallons of blood were used for key moments in the film. Right now would be a good moment to say that the building used as the hideout for the lead character was the Putney Hippodrome, which was built in 1906 and was boarded up until it was used for the movie.

This film also had an impressive range of  actors, such as Robert Morley, Michael Hordern, Diana Rigg (the lovely Emma Peel from The Avengers), Milo O'Shea and Coral Brown—indeed. Ms Brown plays a key part in an interesting background story about the movie.

I think as long as there have been productions on stage and screen, there has always been the stories of two of the cast members falling for each other. This past year, we noticed the media's fascination with a couple who met while they worked on a movie together. There was a huge buzz about their film because of that fact, but the interest faded after a week.

I wonder if that kind of media buzz was around when Theatre Of Blood was released--would people see it just to watch the chemistry between Vincent and Coral?

If you all give me a moment to talk abut gossipy matters, I would like to continue. As I briefly mentioned, this was the movie where Vincent met and fell in love with the elegant Coral Browne. Ms. Browne was known mainly for her work on West End productions but she appeared in films such as The Ruling Class, Auntie Mame, Dreamchild (for which she won the English Standard British Film Award for best actress), and a voiceover in Xanadu. Unfortunately, this relationship ended his second marriage, but he remained in the relationship with Coral until her death in 1991.

Right about now, some of you are tapping your feet and saying "Enough with the gossip! When are you going to get to the bloodshed?"

Sheesh, some people are so hard to please.

The basic point about this plot is that a crazed actor uses the works from the immortal Bard as inspiration for his mayhem. As I talk about each murder in the movie, some of you may be tempted to pull out your Cliff’s Notes on several of the plays, but you don't have to. You see, I will supply a link to each play featured so you can read the synopsis at your leisure.

As the opening credits roll, we are treated to a lush Elizabethan score which was created by Michael J. Lewis. We are also scenes of silent movies based on Shakespearean plays, such as "The Merchant Of Venice" and "Othello," which makes me wonder if that will be significant later.

As the film opens, our attention is brought to this rather stuffy fellow reading the newspaper and our attention is brought to the date-March 15th. Anyway, this stuffy fellow is the critic, Mr. Maxwell, whose sharp words have brought an end to a few plays. The phone rings and he is paged to this old warehouse to remove some squatters. Yeah, the squatters won't listen to the law but they should pay attention to a theater critic! His wife begs him not to go for she had a bad dream that night before but he immediately dismisses it with his cutting wit.

Maxwell arrives at the scene where the two policemen inform him of the situation. Maxwell figures that if anyone should chase off the vagrants it should be a theatre critic. He walks into the room and he orders them to leave but they aren't listening. In fact, they are creeping slowly towards him while breaking open bottles that can be used as weapons. Right about now he realizes that things look very bad, so he runs to the policemen and asks them for help.

Unfortunately for him, all the head policeman can do is to quote lines from Shakespeare to him as the crowd begins to rip up the fellow. All of a sudden Maxwell realizes why that constable seemed oddly familiar-- but that realization came much too late.

The scene then changes to an office where a group of theater critics are waiting for their colleague, Maxwell. Since he is promptness-challenged, they excuse him for being late, not knowing that he is terminally late this time. Well, they are about to get that message now for the very cute but shaken up secretary delivers the news. This makes them very upset since this means one of them will have to take on his critical assignments as well as their own.

The leader of the theater critics, Devlin, goes to the scene of the crime and meets up with Inspector Boot and his men. The policemen search for clues but they only thing they find is a poster for a series of Shakespeare’s plays with the "late" actor Edward Lionheart. (Sheesh, too bad Scotland Yard doesn't have a CSI division.)

Meanwhile, a young fellow who has a strong resemblance to Jeff Lynne (of The Electric Light Orchestra fame) leads the noted critic, Hector Snipe, to an old theater in London for a very important reason. He has been told that Lionheart is alive and wants grant an exclusive interview with him. Snipe is very happy for the opportunity, but that feeling doesn't last too long. Soon Lionheart appears and he recites lines from "Troilus and Cressida," reminding the critic that he wasn't too kind about his review of Lionheart’s acting.

At that moment, the Jeff Lynne double tells him to relax, for he is amongst friends. Snipe is not too convinced of that, so Lionheart has to drive the point further--into his chest! Too bad Lionheart couldn't "spear" him the tale of his resurrection as well, huh? Heh.

Some time later, the critics are gathered at Maxwell's funeral and Devlin becomes distracted with a lovely young woman walking through the cemetery. The young woman is Edwina Lionheart, the daughter of the "late" actor Edward Lionheart who committed suicide two years ago. Edwina is less then cordial with Devlin, for she believes he and the other theatre critics drove her father to his death. Needless to say, this is an awkward moment for Devlin.

Just then, some of the critics began to wonder about the whereabouts of Snipe. Well, Snipe finally arrives by horse, although not in the conventional way. The ghastly sight makes the critics (and two doggies) very ill.

Critic Horace Sprout and his wife return home after a function where she engages in her nightly ritual of nagging him. Soon he falls deep asleep and very unaware of the tall gentleman accompanied by the Jeff Lynne lookalike. Apparently Mr. Lionheart must have studied surgery the past few years, for they are planning on a special operation--the cranial-ectomy (more that ecch-tomy).

How sporting of Lionheart to remove the malignant growth above Sprout's neck like that! Considering what a shrew that wife is, isn’t he performing a mercy killing?

Well, the next morning, Mrs. Sprout wakes up and is very annoyed at her husband for having the audacity to get beheaded in the middle of the night.

Later on that afternoon, the critic, Dickman, is having lunch when he notices this gorgeous gal in white. She is a member of an experimental theater group and they want him to see their latest work. Alas, they were going to let Sprout have the honors, but he lost his head over the whole matter. Looking into her heavily mascared eyes, he knew he couldn't say no. Who knows, perhaps he could lose his heart to this gal!

The two walk off just as the Keystone--er, English--cops are about to pick him up for his own protection. Doh!

The young lady takes him to an old theater in town and  explains that it is an interactive production of "The Merchant of Venice" which he will participate in. Just then Shylock arrives on the scene and he seems oddly familiar to Dickman (the jokes I could make if this wasn't a family e-zine!) and he is ready to take that pound of flesh. Dickman isn't so freaked out, for he knows that Portia will use some legal know-how to save him, but not this time. Too late he realizes that it is Lionheart who is about to "re-imagine" this classic work for his own good. (It’s amazing to me he could pull out the heart without need  of a rip spreader or any of those fancy medical tools.)

Just because Lionheart is a cold-blooded killer doesn't mean he lost his sense of style, for he gift wraps the gruesome gift and sends it to Devlin.

By now the constabulary has figured out that there is a maniac who uses the Immortal Bard's works for his immoral purpose. Devlin tells the boobies—er, Bobbies--of the infamous gathering of the critic’s circle two years ago, when Lionheart crashed their post awards party.

Lionheart, who wasn't well liked by the circle, was upset that their major award was given to a "method actor" rather than to a classic gas like himself. The critics circle was very unsympathetic and laughed at him as Lionheart pondered his fate on the balcony outside of the room. In one of the movie's most touching scenes, Vincent recites the "To be or not to be" soliloquy from "Hamlet" before his character leaps into the Thames. The critics were appalled by the suicide for it pretty much ruined the party.

The cops now have the surviving members of the critics circle in their care, accompanying them to different events. The critic Larding, received an invitation to a wine tasting at a place called "Clarence's" that afternoon. The policeman, not wanting to intrude, stays outside the establishment, certain that the critic will not be harmed. Larding walks in, ignoring the fact that the group doesn't look like a normal wine tasting crowd. (Isn't that the Jeff Lynne lookalike I have seen with Lionheart earlier?) The leader of the group offers different glasses of wine for Larding to taste as he leads him and the motley looking to the wine cellar.

It is then a  fellow dressed as "Richard III" begins to recites lines from the play of the same name. This annoys Larding for this is a private wine tasting! At that moment Larding has a mental meltdown when he begins to realize that the actor is the "late" Edward Lionheart!

Lionheart begins to rebuke him about the review he wrote after he was on a Merlot bender one night. Lionheart is not the kind who holds a grudge though; he offers a vat of fine vintage to Larding that's to die for! While in his last moments of life, Larding was indeed grateful that Lionheart didn't do the truly evil thing by replacing the fine vintage with Ripple, Boones Farm, or Thunderbird!

Some time later, Devlin decides he needs to relax after the stress of the past few days. This afternoon was no better since he heard his colleague, Larding, was drowned in wine (and he didn't "travel" that well to the morgue) and Edwina was arrested for the murder. While anyone else would drown the sorrows at the local pub, he decides to practice his fencing. (Considering there's a killer loose is this really a good idea?) There is another person there who wants to practice fencing, also…and the tips of the swords are removed

After being cut up fairly badly by this other fellow, Devlin discovers his opponent is none other then Lionheart! Lionheart is recreating the duel from "Romeo and Juliet" and reveals how he came back from the dead.

Lionheart didn't die in the fall, but was rescued by a group of vagrants who he  hired as his henchmen. (Considering that crew, Lionheart was desperate wasn't he?)

Later Devlin wakes up in the hospital and tells the police the news about Lionheart being alive. Edwina was released and the police are going to protect the remaining critics as well as they did the other ones. In the meanwhile, the detectives are brushing off their Cliff’s Notes trying to figure out Lionheart's next move, puzzled as to how he was going to use "Othello."

The critic Solomon Psaltery gets a phone call providing an anonymous tip about something very important to him. No, it wasn't about the killer targeting the members of the circle, but that someone was spending time with his wife! He walks over to his house and sees a handsome continental gentleman enter his house and greet his wife (played by Diana Dors, who was once known as the British Marilyn Monroe in the Fifties).

Psaltery quietly walks into his home and hears moans from his wife being massaged expertly. Psaltery misinterprets the moans and breaks into the room and the gentleman visitor he encounters whispers about her other lovers which throw him into a murderous rage.

The gentleman leaves the home and proceeds to tell a passing constable of the horrific deed, then removes his disguise to reveal that it’s Lionheart.

Psaltery is arrested for the murder of his wife and has no hope of release until he is too old to care. Meanwhile, Ms. Moon decides that crazed killer or not, she needs to get her hair done. So she and her bodyguard appear at a salon where the famed hair stylist, "Butch," is waiting to give her a style to die for.

Yes fans, this is the scene between Vincent and Coral, and one can already sense something between them. Even though Vincent donned "gay apparel," you can feel her pulse racing as he wanted to run his fingers through her hair. What woman could resist a man who quotes lines from "Henry IV, Part 1."

Yes there was definitely "electricity" between those two, and it was "smokin’"!

After the police take care of yet another dead critic they are trying to decide which horrible death in "Titus Andronicus." Lionheart was going to perform next. Just then, the police protecting Meredith Merridew are distracted by a car driven by…Edward Lionheart! Okay, never mind that Lionheart's face looks a little mask like--they have to follow him. Just then a group from the food show This Is Your Dish arrives at Merridew's that day. Merridew is a fan of this show and has been hounding the producers with requests to be on the show for some time now.

Merridew is chowing down on his gourmet meal, completely oblivious to the fact that this was served in a doggy dish. Unfortunately, it is at this point that Merridew wishes to see his babies (his two toy poodles) and Iron Chef Lionheart is all too happy to oblige. Yes, Merridew the gourmand was indeed upset that he had been eating hot dog(s) instead of fine cuisine all this time!

Lionheart is a madmen but he doesn't like for food to go to waste, so he was giving Merridew third, fourth, fifth and six helpings. (I suppose we should be grateful Lionheart didn't offer a wafer thin mint to Merridew after all that.)

Things look really bad for Devlin right now--there weren't enough critics alive to vote in the upcoming awards. In the meanwhile, Edwina asks him to join her to meet her father--alone. The police are observing but manage to get into a bit of a wreck with the Lionheart impersonator. Meanwhile, the other members of Lionheart's theatrical company knocks out Devlin and bring him to their hideout.

When Devlin wakes up, he discovers himself tied into a chair and sees these two hot pokers that are going to aim for his eyes.(Couldn't it have been easier to have used a Red Ryder BB gun? We all know those things can shoot your eye out.) Lionheart is going to give Devlin a chance to repent and give him the award her craves but the theatre critic refuses. At this moment we see who the "Jeff Lynne" lookalike is--which I won't say here, but it is a nice homage to the gender bending roles of some of the Bard's works.

It all looks bleak for the critic, indeed, but the police are on their way. It appears that the Lionheart imposter was in need of a drink and was willing to reveal the location of the hideout to get a dram. You'd think evil geniuses bent on murderous revenge would have a zero tolerance policy on alcohol use for their henchmen!

Edward and his daughter hear the sirens and start to hurriedly pass out the champagne to the attendees. At this moment, Edward decides to burn everything in an inferno that could make Roger Corman jealous! Edwina is trying to get someone to help her father escape the blaze, but one of their help hits her with the award. In another one of the movie's poignant scenes, Edwina dies in her father's arms in a way that recalls "King Lear."

Needless to say, Lionheart goes out in a blaze of glory, but it still doesn't impress the critic Devlin. Some people are so hard to please, huh?

So, readers, you have this tale of woe about an underappreciated actor. I have to wonder if all the expense and mayhem was truly necessary after all. Consider how many times Susan Lucci was passed over for the Daytime Emmy? Instead of killing her critics one by one (and having them come back since very few people stay dead on soaps) she used the whole thing for publicity. In our reality obsessed society, perhaps Lionheart could have inspired a hearty and loyal fanbase who didn't pay attention to the snooty critics. After all, look what it did for William Hong!

Well, I think I have brushed up on my Shakespeare enough for this time. Since this is such a "costumed" affair, I recommend Theatre Of Blood as the perfect background for Halloween parties this month.

Thanks, Crystal.  Yup, Theater Of Blood is a saucy and impudent little fright flick, filled with lots of black humor and deliberately staged over-the-top moments, with enough gore to remind you that this ain't one of Vincent's Poe flicks.  The cast is simply impeccable and the presence of the lovely Diana Rigg is just icing on the cake, and such nice icing, too.  By the way, Crystal, since you're so pumped up about getting to review horror films with high-toned actors in 'em, we'll just continue that trend for your next assignment...heh-heh...

Article copyright © Crystal Guillory

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