By CRYSTAL GUILLORY

So what kind of gift does one give on a Fifth Anniversary?

To do the proper thing, I fired up the old search engine and discovered that I would have a choice between wood (traditional) or silverware (modern). Well considering this is for HORROR-WOOD, neither gift is appropriate. After all, the wood can be whittled into a stake and I know some werewolves would have issues with silver.

So I am going to give a big slice of cheese in the guise of the 1957 film The Unearthly. This movie was released (escaped?) in 1957 and it has also had the titles House Of The Monsters and Night Of The Monsters. To its credit, this movie features horror movie legend John Carradine and scream queen Allison Hayes--and everyone's favorite lumbering (mostly) mute servant the one, the only, Tor Johnson! This movie also has the great Harry Thomas as the makeup supervisor.

The movie opens up to a picture of a spooky old house, setting the mood for a scary film. We then see Lobo (Tor) struggling with a young lady who is scratching him. (Can’t take the man out of the wrestling ring.) We would expect this scene to be part of the upcoming trailer (which some videos and DVDs have), but imagine our confusion when the opening credits are shown.

So, to start with, the viewer (at least this viewer, anyway) is in a confused state of mind. Then again, perhaps that is the correct way to watch this movie.

The scene changes to Lobo opening the door to Dr. Wright and his lovely patient Grace Thomas (pre-Attack Of The 50-foot Woman Allison Hayes). Dr. Wright is bringing Ms Thomas to Dr. Conway (John Carradine) for treatment. It appears that Grace has some issues and Dr. Wright thinks that Doc Conway can help her. Dr. Wright tells Grace that he
will tell her father to send her things and she follows Dr. Sharon Gilchrist to her room.

It is at this point we hear Conway and Wright bitterly argue about how people referred to Conway for treatment should not have family members living. And you thought your HMO had strict rules! Dr. Wright has it all planned, though; he will make it look like Ms Thomas committed suicide! Gee, call me paranoid but I do think something eerie is going on here.

Dr. Wright then asks about the other patient, Harry Jedrow, and how he is coming along. Dr. Conway then shows him and gives him the shock of Wright's life. It looks like Jedrow had a wee bit too much botox to me.

However, Conway thinks it was internal radiation that caused his horrific paralysis. Dr. Wright shows a great deal of concern for Jedrow, wondering if he will return to normal. Dr. Conway is not so certain, but no matters since his next subject will be younger and stronger. Hmmm…

There is a big reason for Wright's concern for Jedrow. It appears that Jedrow has--a sister (cue dramatic music here). Well, this really ticks off Conway now! Two patients with living families, what is a mad scientist to do? It appears that Wright assumed that Jedrow had no family, hence his surprise at the sister asking about her brother. (All together now…what
happens when we assume? You make an ass out of U and Me.) The two walk off leaving Lobo with the duty of putting away the zombified Jedrow.

Conway checks in on his lovely new patient Grace that night. He leeringly tells her not to tell of her affairs to anyone but him. Suppose she needs a second opinion? Should a doctor really be talking like this to a patient? I know there is such a thing as a good bedside manner but really!

Some time later, a figure is sneaking around on the dark grounds of Dr. Conway’s estate. Sneaking around, that is, until he is grabbed by the mountainous Lobo. Lobo brings him to Conway, and the shaken stranger tells his story. The stranger calls himself Mark Houston, and says he was trying to find a way to civilization since he was dropped off there. Dr. Conway is not buying that story, for he knows the stranger is the escaped killer on the lam from the police.

Dr. Conway being the terrifying, yet gracious, host offers a cigarette to his "guest" while offering sanctuary, for a price. "Houston, I think you have a problem." The exhausted Houston goes to sleep in his creepy new digs.

The next scene opens to a dining room the following morning where Danny, a patient, is bitterly complaining about the quality of the food. His dining partner, Natalie (former Playmate Sally Todd in a Yvette Vickers type of role) seems more interested in her cheesy romance novel then in his surly company. Gee, I can't imagine why. Danny is confronting her about her literary choices and it is looking like an episode of Real World until Houston walks in. Natalie takes notice to the handsome new volunteer and begins chatting with him. Danny gets surlier and angrier until Dr. Sharon takes him away and gives him his medication.

Houston offers his help to Conway in dealing with Danny, but he is turned down. Conway deals with Danny himself and tells Houston the price of sanctuary. In a scene that looks like it could have been part of a high school medical film, the Doctor explains about the different glands of the body. The Doctor explains that by adding another gland to the body, the human body can be young forever! Houston turns down the idea, being comfortable with his own skin. Dr. Conway then threatens Houston with turning him over to the police. Eventually Houston realizes that he has no choice but to be a guinea pig in Conway's version of Hotel California.

The scene changes to Natalie and Grace sunbathing (partially clothed, sorry, guys) while Houston decides to check out the grounds. He exchanges pleasantries with Natalie and immediately moves in on Grace.

Meanwhile, Conway and Dr. Sharon work on Jedrow when they get a phone call from Wright. Apparently Jedrow's sister is really hounding him about her brother. Conway angrily orders him to make out the death certificate for Jedrow, but Dr. Sharon questions it for she just examined him.  Conway angrily proclaims him to be dead. Gee…I guess he has a "mad doctor is god" attitude going there and does not like to be questioned. At that moment I kind of expected Jedrow to get up and say "I'm not dead, only resting!"

Natalie shows up for her appointment with Dr. Conway, expecting to hear good news. Dr. Conway sees her and gives her the good news that she is doing better and one more treatment will cure her!

The next scene turns to the dining room as almost everyone is there for dinner. Danny is surly as usual while Lobo tries to serve him dinner. Houston and Grace are in a good mood as they sit down to dinner. (Gee, I wonder what could have happened on their stroll on the grounds?) The conversation turns to Natalie, wondering where she was that evening. Just then a jovial Conway appears in the dining room and offers to play some music. He then gets on the organ to play Bach's Toccata and Fugue in D Minor that night. Gee, if that what he plays in a happy mood I hate to hear what he would play in a bad mood!

I almost expected Grace to lurk behind him and try to remove Conway's mask in that scene but no such luck. Meanwhile, Natalie is in her room where she is given a nice nourishing meal of sedatives. Houston begins to get concerned for Natalie so he and Grace try to check up on her. Houston begins to think something is odd at that moment. They are stopped by Dr. Sharon, who icily tells them that Natalie opted to have dinner in her room that night.

Lobo in the meanwhile is stroking Natalie's hair, perhaps sensing what is about to happen to her. Dr. Sharon Gilchrist then orders Lobo to tell everyone that it is time to retire. Now it is the time for Tor to recite the line immortal line that he will be known for: "Time for go to bed."

The group goes to their individual rooms that very night. However, Houston sneaks out later and checks out Natalie's room to discover that she isn't there, but she left her huge collection of cheesy romance novels. Knowing that she wouldn't go anywhere without those, he knows something is wrong!

Natalie has no time to read novels right now for Dr. Conway and Dr. Gilchrist are operating her on. If it weren't for the fact that this is in black and white and he is not saying "Stat!" every few minutes, I would almost think I was watching an episode of E.R. Ah, maybe not.

The operation is finished and the two docs decide to wait eight hours to see if it is a success. However, they also give Natalie a healthy dose of electricity to complete the job. Gee, I don't think that is what is meant by electrolysis.

Meanwhile, Houston gets into Grace's room, with the sole intent of getting her…out of that house (what did you think I was going to say?). He tells her what he knows about Conway and he begs her to leave. Grace throws him out and won't hear anything of it. Her own doctor brought her to Conway for her health, and he wouldn't do anything to hurt her, would he? Grace is a trusting soul.

Eight hours later, Dr. Conway and Dr. Sharon check up on Natalie, and proceed to get the shock of their life. The results of the operation have been, less then successful to say the least. Kudos to Harry Thomas for the great makeup job there, it definitely made me shudder! Sharon tries to comfort Dr. Conway but he really won't have any of it.

Then we see Houston and Grace walk in to the house after a good healthy romp--ah--stroll on the grounds. Dr. Conway asks to see Grace and begins to question her about what they talked about. Good grief, he is a nosy fellow, isn’t he? Is that really the sort of thing one should discuss with a physician? The ever-trusting Grace tells Conway that Houston is concerned about Natalie, and how he thinks something is wrong. Conway then tells her that Natalie recovered and left early that morning, and the ever-gullible Grace believes it.

Conway then informs Grace that Mark Houston is dangerous and she should avoid him for the sake of her mental health. She agrees, for, after all, the doctor is always right.

Sharon interrupts their cozy talk that moment to make her jealous accusations toward Conway. She then reveals that she is in love with that chick magnet Conway and wants Grace to be the next experiment. Conway is not ready to make that commitment yet (isn't that always the case?) Meanwhile, Houston decides to make himself at home by sneaking around in the big dark house. This fellow must be able to see in the dark, eh?

His snooping around proves fruitful for he discovers Jedrow! Grace asks what he wants when he later pays her a visit and Houston has only one thing on his mind, to show her Jedrow. The two sneak downstairs but they do not find Jedrow. However, they make the horrifying discovery of Natalie!

To say Grace is freaked out is an understatement, but Houston calms her down with his plan to leave the place.

Meanwhile, Houston strolls on the grounds, discovering Lobo with a coffin. Thanks to Lobo being distracted by the barking dogs, Houston is able to see who was in there. Just then he (and the audience) gets a big surprise when Jedrow pops out of the coffin! (That is a  creepy scene!) Houston puts Jedrow back in the coffin when he sees Lobo slowly walk back, then Lobo resumes burying Jedrow.

Houston then knocks on the ever surly Danny's door and tells him of the plan to leave. Danny won't hear any of it, refusing to believe it is true. Houston manages to get through to Danny and so Danny agrees to leave. (Gee, Houston is a better person then I. I would have been sorely tempted to leave the sourpuss there.) He tells Danny to pretend to be asleep and to meet he and Grace downstairs at around 2 a.m.

We then see Dr. Conway creeping around checking on the whereabouts of the three like a dorm monitor. Time goes on and the three feel it is safe to make a break for it that night. Unfortunately for them, Dr. Conway is a light sleeper. He chides them for leaving and is going to make them pay.

He also decides that now is the time for Grace to be the next guinea pig in his insane quest for eternal youth. Sharon then has Lobo watch Houston and Danny in the room. Danny then tells Lobo a fairy story about a sleeping beauty, a giant and Ferdinand the Bull (yeah I know…what a combination) and he uses the story to distract Lobo. Unfortunately, Danny is accidentally shot but tells Houston to go on.

Houston then confronts Dr. Conway about his less then ethical methods of research. In this scene, we then discover that Houston is not a criminal on the run, but rather a policeman who was sent to investigate the doctor. However Conway has an ace at his sleeve, or a button at his fingertips, that turns off the light enabling his escape. Fortunately Houston has that ability to see in the dark and calls for police back-up.

Conway is running away, and for a moment thinks he is safe...until he looks to see who is with him in the room. To his horror (and ours) he sees that it is Jedrow! Jedrow overcomes enough of his paralysis to attack and kill Conway, only to be killed by Loboshortly thereafter.

Then the police show up and arrest Dr. Sharon and Lobo, while Houston goes up to the lab to rescue Grace. He awakens Grace who is understandably shaken but okay. However, the police have a less then pleasant job for they discover the past patients in the basement. The police wonder what to do with them, but decide to send them to an institution where they will get the best of care. (Oh, yeah, right.) One policeman wonders out loud if these poor souls really will live forever.  (No worries, they could always get jobs in any version of The Island Of Dr. Moreau.)

Grace goes downstairs with Houston where she finds out he is a policeman after all. The two then share the obligatory clinch and kiss at the end of the movie.

So there you have it, HORROR-WOOD readers, my little gift for the big Fifth Anniversary. I do hope that this Webzine goes on for many years. Hey Renfield, any chances of you getting this gland implant?