Movie monsters always seem to have romance on their minds, and always end up blowing it. Is it possible for these creatures to find true love? Read on, as we examine these...
By CRYSTAL GUILLORY "The world loves a lover" or so the saying goes, but what if that lover is a monster? Does normal society applaud the creature's success at finding true love, or hunt them both down with torches in the middle of the night? Just as mortals have problems with love and relationships, the monsters have even more challenges in their quest for it. In this article I will examine a few of the monster "couples" and explain what went wrong and if it could have been saved. King Kong and Faye Wray/Creature of the Black Lagoon and Julia Adams. Okay...with these two sets of couples it is the clear that their problem is that they literally came from two different worlds. The Creature from the Black Lagoon...came from...well the Black Lagoon. As good as a swimmer her character was, I really doubt she would have liked the idea of being in water 24/7. Can you just imagine how pruney she would be after a date with the Gill man?? It is a sad thing to face that their "love" will never be.
The same problem can be said for Faye Wray and King Kong, do you really think she would have gone to the jungle with him, had he survived?? Sadly the answer is no. Faye was far too much of a city girl to give it all up for someone that tall, that dark and that ...well...hairy. The truth is that their relationship would not have survived as well. The only thing that might have saved these doomed loves (other than the monster not dying) is an arrangement to have two households. Lots of hip, happening couples have bi-coastal relationships, why not these couples? With a little negotiating and compromise they could have been together.
The Phantom of the Opera and Christine Daae. Yes, I know according to the classic work she does go off with the other man and the Phantom dies. However.. what if she did not run off with the other guy and the Phantom lived? What would their relationship had been like? To say the least, there would have been the need for some changes like moving from the dank underground to a lovely little apartment in Paris. She would also have to deal with his inventions as well as his playing the organ in the middle of the night. Then there is the problem of being together too much, as in Christine performing in his operas, rehearsing in them and both of them coming home together. After you spent all day at work, what could you talk about?
Then there is always the possibility of two gifted individuals being competitive with each other. Christine did not compose anything, but that possibility is always there. Consider also that people would just think Erik was composing these operas just for his lady. Perhaps it was better that it ended the way it did in the classic novel, otherwise these two would have a messy breakup that hit all the scandal sheets in Paris. On to the only non Universal couple...or should I say trio??? Dr. Anton Phibes, Vulnavia, and Phibe's late wife. When we first meet Dr. Phibes in the wonderfully offbeat The Abominable Dr. Phibes, he is stalking all the medical staff that he held responsible for the death of his beloved wife. He is aided by the lovely Vulnavia in his plots of revenge. I showcase this couple for they have an attraction and a partnership that works well. Consider them if you will to be the ghoulish "Steed and Emma Peel". After all she always appears fashionably dressed as she commits mayhem with the good doctor, then is able to do a dance with him at his abode.
In the second film, Dr. Phibes Rises Again, he finds the elixir for eternal life to bring his wife back to life. I wonder how things will be at that point? Will Vulnavia accept the wife back in the picture or will she resent the change? The film left that to our imaginations. Dracula and Mina. The King of Vampires chose the lovely Mina to be his own. As we all know, that was not to be. However, what if the Count had not been destroyed by Van-Helsing? What would life had been like for Mina and Vlad? To say the least it would have been complicated. After all, Mina would never be able to see a sunrise again, or to keep an appointment at a beauty parlor in the daylight hours. Then there is the constant wondering about who Vlad is biting now? Would Mina trust him enough to just consider it nourishment, or would she get upset that he was promising all these other women eternal love as well?
Also, how comfortable is a coffin to sleep in? Can Seely's Posterpedic custom make a mattress for one? Let us also look at the fact that Vlad is a bit of a control freak. Can Mina deal with all his quirks? Again, maybe with the right amount of communication and compromises they could have made it. In fact they could even make it to 500-year anniversary. And of course how could I forget the super couple of all time??? The Monster and his Bride (AKA Frankenstein and his Bride). It does not take a degree in relationship studies to see that this couple is going to have problems even though they were literally made for each other. For starters, the creation goes to Dr. Praetorious and they both force Dr. Frankenstein into making a mate for the Creature. I want to know, couldn't the Creature go to the personal ads? Or, perhaps, do some volunteer work which would enable him to meet some lonely women of the village? Well, be that as it may, the two doctors work long and hard into the night (get your mind outta the gutter, people!) and create the Bride. Personally, I think there should have been a beautician or someone who would give that poor lady a better hairdo. I know it is supposed to resemble Nefertiti, but it reminds me of a dairy queen cone. With electricity they bring her to life.However, there was no electricity when she met her man.
Look at things from her standpoint, you just came to life and you are announced to be a bride for this...fellow. I will say the Monster gets points for not commenting on her hairdo, but he was a little presumptuous. Of course, she gets hormonal and hisses and he. being clueless, sets fire to everything and proclaims, " We belong dead." Sheesh...he's being a little over-sensitive to the rejection don't you think? Perhaps if they had gone on a few dates, gone for a few walks, terrorized a few villagers together, then perhaps things would have ended differently with the Monster and the Bride realizing they were made for each other (literally) and living happily ever after. I am no expert, but maybe that is the secret to true love regardless of whether you are human or not. Happy Valentine's Day! (Crystal Guillory is vice-president of the New Orleans Worst Film Festival to be held on June 10, 2000. Click here to read more about it. You can contact Crystal personally here.) Thanks, Crystal, for this bloody little valentine! It just proves that old adage, "Love means never having to say you're scary." Cheers! Article copyright Crystal Guillory |
