By CRYSTAL GUILLORY

After spending the past couple of months visiting exotic locales via the movies, Renfield thought it was best that I return to my schlocky roots, so he assigned the British import The Woman Eater to me.

Right about now you are looking at the movie title and wondering if this zine is becoming less fang-mily friendly. I imagine some of you have images of barely dressed cover-ghouls and scream queens gracing the pages of this cyber ‘zine now. Gads, you are probably wondering if you would have to prove you’re 18 and older to read this zine.

Okay, I'm here to ease your fears about such matters for the aforementioned movie is fairly tame and the title concerns a plant (more on that later). To those of you who were hoping that this ‘zine had changed, so sorry to disappoint you.

As I mentioned before the movie is The Woman Eater and it was released in 1957 in Jolly Olde England. The movie stars George Coulouris, who had worked in such classics as Murder On The Orient Express, For Whom The Bell Tolls, and some little-known movie called Citizen Kane.

The female lead of this movie was played by Vera Day, who was a pin-up girl at that time. She also had roles in movies such as Quatermass II and The Prince And The Showgirl. The movie was helmed by the team of Saunders and Coen, who had released a few crime dramas before venturing into the horror genre.

The movie begins in lovely downtown London and we see this proper gentleman walk down the street and enter a place called "The Explorers club". Being that we are along for the ride as viewers, we follow him into this posh exclusive club. While he is there he listens to this fellow Dr. Moran (Coulouris) entertains the gentlemen with tales about an Amazonian tribe that can bring the dead back to life with a magic liquid produced from a plant.

Fellow explorer Colin sounds very interested in the doctor's rantings…ah…stories about such a tribe and is interested in going but not so soon. Another factor to consider is that insanity runs thick in Dr. Moran's family tree, so he decides to ponder about it.

Well, the pondering must not have taken that long, because the two brave explorers are on their way to the jungle sets…ah…the Amazon. The two fearlessly march on, facing such stock footage terrors as crocodiles and such. Soon it is apparent that their quest for the tribe is over when they begin to hear bongo drums. Not only were there bongo drums, but there was this well-oiled fellow carrying a snake and this lovely girl swaying to the beat. (A little trivia note here--the lovely native girl was played by Marpessa Dawn who had one of the leading roles in Black Orpheus later on.)

How rude, the explorers were crashing a private party! If that wasn't all, Colin begins to shout, "Stop it you devils," which proved to be not a very bright thing to do since one of the partygoers throws a spear at the fellow. 

The party keeps on going, with the lovely girl being led to the mystical ju-ju tree, the reason of the party. She comes out of her trance realizing what is about to happen to her and she is not too enthused being plant food. With a little persuasion, she walks to the tree and then was a successful sacrifice after all.

Later on, a group finds Dr. Moran who is muttering something about a plant, sacrifice and a miracle. Even though the diagnosis was "jungle fever," they must have thought he was recovering from a bender and left him in the care of the native, Tanga.

Okay readers, now this movie jets five years later and we see Tanga entertaining some pretty young miss with his bongo playing. (Hey Tanga, when you get to a song, play it!) It must be true that musicians do get girls even if they have look weird and wear goofy clothes. After all, would a normal guy have attracted a smoking hot gal like that   while wearing a diaper?

Well, Dr. Moran comes down to the basement to see the intimate little setting and leers as the girl is led to her doom. Gee, why should she be upset, she is becoming part of the cure for death. After the plant has digested the young woman, Dr. Moran extracts the serum it has created as a result. The doctor injects it into a huge heart and eagerly watches the "pulseometer" to see the results.

However, the victory is short lived and the good doctor decides they need to make more serum. (Gee, shouldn't they get a slightly bigger gal to produce the serum? I imagine the pre-Trimspa Anna Nicole would produce buckets of the stuff, as well as being in a trance already.)

In the next scene a policeman appears at the Moran home investigating the disappearance of a young girl. Of course he has to get past the uber chilly housekeeper Mrs. Santor. Hmmm, could that be the young girl who has just become plant food? Moran denies seeing her and the policeman leaves the estate, feeling that something isn't quite right there. Hmmm, maybe he should consult the CSI team on this?

Tell me readers, am I the only one that expected to hear the policeman say "What's all this, then?"

Meanwhile, in another movie, we are brought to this carnival in the English countryside. This barker (oh how he barks) is trying to sell his south seas show by yelling to the audience. Gee, talk about being a pushy salesman! Now every sales pitch needs a good visual, so the barker has the lovely Sally Norton (Vera Day) do the hula dance. Eventually enough suckers…ah… attendees go into the show and she is able to sneak off for a little…orange juice. She catches the eye of a local mechanic and man's man by the name of Jack Venner, who gives her the prize he won at the shooting gallery. Man, that guy is smooth!

The two chat it up a bit but her mean boss interrupts the moment. Jack didn't care for the unprofessional manner in which the barker spoke to his employee, so he decks him!

The next day, our Sally is walking to Jack's garage, where she tells him the news that she was sacked and is looking for work. As much as Jack would have liked to, he didn't have enough in payroll to hire a hula dancer for the garage. (Gee, you'd think his customers would enjoy that sorta thing.) Jack does tell her that Dr. Moran may need extra help around the house, so maybe she could start there.

So Jack then brings her over to the Moran's lovely home in search of a job. Tanga lets her in and she has a brief interview with Dr. Moran. Moran wasn't about to hire her at first but he changed his mind and hired her after all. Who knows, she might be good at cleaning the house and maybe even feeding the plant(s).

Unfortunately for Dr. Moran, Mrs. Santor, his housekeeper, is none too happy with the hiring decision. After all, who knows if the girl has any experience? She is also a little more then peeved that this girl may have been hired because of her youth and beauty.

Moran tells Mrs. Santor that she was hired to help her out with the housekeeping duties for Santor has been so nervous lately and that he doesn't like nervousness. Ah, does anyone else get the feeling that there is more then an employer/employee relationship going here?

Meanwhile, the police are continuing their ongoing investigation about the girl's disappearance. Using deductive reasoning, they realize that they should investigate Dr. Moran's place again. Gee, could it be the fact that it was the closest house to the last place where this girl was? Later on Moran is none too happy to see the police again, but he allows them to search his grounds. He does display some testiness when a policeman touches his one of a kind ceremonial dagger. (Oh big deal, someone won one of those off of eBay!)

Sometime later on that evening Moran goes out for a bit of…plant food. I have to say this part of the movie is visually interesting because it was filmed in Piccadilly Circus at night. Moran keeps on searching though the crowds until he sees one particularly appetizing morsel he would want to bring home. The intended victim is having a bad night, she gets dumped by her boyfriend, creeped out by Moran and felt up by the ju-ju plant in the span of a few hours. Gee, didn’t' that tree ever hear that its not good to play with your food?

Moran has another fight with Mrs. Santor as she accuses him of getting a woman that night. (Well, she's partly true.) In this scene we discover something about these two, they were engaged before he took that fateful trip to the Jungle and they broke up when he returned. (Okay, so why is she his housekeeper? I mean shouldn't she have let go of him a long time ago?) Then she hits Moran with the remark that she has never been shown what's behind the iron door. Ah, does she really want to know that?

Meanwhile, in another part of the movie, the lovely Sally is paying a visit to her mechanic boyfriend. Even though she is clueless about cars, she agrees to help him with wiring the car. Ah, can he really concentrate on fixing the car when his eyes are on her headlights? Well, it is in this romantic setting that he proposes to her. Oh my, give me a moment to grab a hankie for the emotion of the moment is about to overcome me.

Later on, she goes back to Moran's place where he tells her that Mrs. Santor is going on a long vacation and she can have her job! Anyone else would be happy at the news of a promotion, but the teeny tiny brain in Sally's head didn't feel quite right about this. So she goes off to the boyfriend's house, telling him how she is slightly creeped out by her boss. After a talk (and  a few drinks) she decides to quit.

Mrs. Santor and Moran are having a less than professional discussion about her leaving. She then tells him that she thinks he loves Sally and how she still loves him! (Paging Dr. Phil! Paging Dr. Phil!) Moran brushes her off by saying that she is history, and she grabs the ceremonial dagger in response to that. Oh this doesn't suit Moran at all so he strangles the poor woman to death!

Later on we see the lovely Sally bring her boss some tea and give him the news that she's quitting. Compared to his reaction earlier, he takes this news rather well and seemingly allows her to leave. Well, as she is about to leave he approaches her about her salary and leads her to his study to get it. This proves to be a big mistake on her part since he doesn't want her to leave now. You see the sentimental old fool has fallen in love with the former hula dancer. Of course she brings up the fact that it won't work cause she’s about to marry his mechanic. After all he wouldn't want to tick off the only mechanic in town, eh?

Ah, that clever ploy doesn't work on Moran who tells her he will be the greatest man ever and she will share his glory! Gee, he's sure of himself isn't he?

Meanwhile, Jack is trying to call Sally but having no luck in reaching her. Thinking that perhaps she's getting cold feet, he goes over to Moran's place to see if she's still there. Well Moran denies that Sally is there, but Jack doesn't believe him for some reason so he tells Moran he's going to get the police.

The police in the meantime are getting information on the mysterious doctor and his odd interest in tropical plants. Oh, what's this? It looks like a swatch of the girl's dress was found on a hedge near the doctor's house, oh my! Things begin to really look bad for Moran when Jack appears at the police station telling them about Sally's disappearance.

Later on, Moran begins to explain to Sally about the tribe and their belief that the ju-ju tree idol could bring the dead to life with its sap. He brings her to the lab to see what's on the slab and the tree growing in the corner. Tanga obviously think she looks like plant food to him so he starts a drum solo but is stopped by Moran.

Moran then gets some of the sap from the tree and injects it into the form on the table. Well, readers, what I thought was coffee must really be "jolt" for Mrs. Santor bolted upright! Gee, rather sporting of him to bring her back to life since he took it from her in the first place. Unfortunately, the tribe didn't give Moran the rest of the recipe for resurrecting the brain so she's essentially a zombie.

At this point I am thinking why should that bother Moran? After all, he won't have to hear her gripes and she'll keep on working endlessly. Well, Mrs. Santor is about to attack Sally, which really annoys Moran to no end but fortunately she stops dead in her tracks.

Sally is upset and wants to leave, so Tanga is about to show her a way out of this place. Oh dear, unfortunately for Sally, the way out he has in mind involves going through a plant's digestive system. Sally and Tanga struggle, but Moran steps in to gallantly save her. Jack and the police arrive and Moran tells him to take her away from there, which he does, gladly. Moran then destroys the plant and is stabbed by a dagger Tanga conveniently keeps in his diaper.

The ju-ju tree is in flames and Tanga is on his knees as "The End" appears on the screen.