By CRYSTAL GUILLORY

Once again, I am assigned an article about a woman's quest for eternal youth and the consequences thereof. Hey Renfield, are you trying to tell me something here?

All one has to do is look at television ads to see that as a culture we have a fixation for everlasting youth. On news programs we hear about new plastic surgery procedures turning back the clock for several male and female patients.  Why, just by getting a few
injections of botulism or taking some little blue pills (the men know what I am talking about), the clock can indeed turn back.

Interestingly enough, it is not just our present age that is so obsessed with eternal youth. A person  who had gone to gruesome lengths to keep her youthful beauty was the infamous Elizabeth Bathory. Her discovery of her unique beauty secret was an accident. One day in her castle, after one of her daily servant-beating sessions (she had a habit of doing that) some of the girl's blood had gotten on her.

To the Countess' amazement, her skin seemed to look younger and softer. Thus the Countess began her slaughter of young girls in her quest for youth and beauty. Eventually this beauty regime caught up with her and she was imprisoned for the rest of her life.

There are some wondering right now why in the world I am writing about Elizabeth Bathory in this article. After all, you are not here to read about historical characters but rather to read about a cheesy movie. Well, I'm getting to that if you give me a chance. There is a correlation between the infamous Bathory and the title character in this month's movie, but I will reveal that later.

Since the title of the flick I’m reviewing is The Leech Woman, I’m going to give you a few seconds to get every possible joke out of your systems. Okay, ready to continue?

This movie was released by Universal-International in 1959 and it has the makeup work of Bud Westmore, whose team was responsible for the Creature From The Black Lagoon and several other genre and non-genre movies. Joseph Gershenson, who had been the executive producer of House Of Dracula as well as the music supervisor for such films as The Mole People, The Deadly Mantis, and This Island Earth to name a few titles, produced the movie. Among the actors in this piece include Gloria Talbot (The Cyclops, I Married A Monster From Outer Space and Daughter Of Dr.. Jekyll), Grant Williams (The Incredible Shrinking Man), Coleen Gray (Mark Of The Vampire) and Kim Hamilton (To Kill A Mockingbird).

Now with all this talent behind a feature we should be getting something good right? After all, isn't that what the studio executives thought when they green lighted Gigi?

Our story begins in a generic office building on a generic kind of day when this geriatric female walks into a doctor's office. I did a double take at first, for she looked like Granny of The Beverly Hillbillies, but I knew that wasn't her for she wasn’t screaming "Jed!" every few minutes.

The scene changes to inside of Dr. Paul Talbot's office where he is having a serious consultation with his wife, June, and her friend, Mr. Booze. Gee, they make George and Martha of Who's Afraid Of Virginia Woolf? appear loving by comparison. As you can see by this, there are serious issues in this marriage, for Dr. Talbot is a cruel man who is no longer in love with his older wife and June comforts herself with her guardian Whisky (ah sweet, sweet booze).

Through this exchange we discover that Paul is busy working on a formula that could slow the aging process for the elderly set. He is trying to persuade
June to be his test subject, but for some reason she has no interest in this.

After a heated exchange of words she drops the bombshell on Paul, she's going to divorce him! Somehow I think even Dr. Phil would agree with that solution. Paul laughs it off, thinking that she will forget after a few more drinks with her guardian, but this time she means it!

After giving her one for the road (I guess drunk driving was not much of an issue back then), Paul is then interrupted by his assistant, Sally. Sally informs Paul that he has an old woman waiting in his office, making a comment that she looks like she "came out of a
mummy's tomb." Meow!

June is on her wait out of the office when she runs into Granny, ah, Malla who tells her that her husband would die and that June was in her dreams of blood. I think if someone would tell me that my reaction would be to back slowly walk away while chanting the mantra "Okay." Considering how Paul treats her, you'd think that odd statement about his death would be happy news to June.

Later, Paul is examining Malla, and he finds it hard to fathom that she is over a hundred years old. After all, where is her birthday card from Willard Scott? Malla then undoes her shirt a little to show a tattoo that she got from a slave trader that sold her and her mother to the new world. Gee, didn't think an anchor and chain could be the brand of slave traders.

Malla reveals that she is from the long lost tribe of Naudos, which has this formula for extending your natural life. Her mother gave her the formula years ago and told her that with the secret ingredient that could restore her youth. Alas, only her homies back in the tribe know that secret which is why she wants to go back home.

The doctor is a little skeptical but agrees to a test of the magic powder, and is surprised by the results. Later at the Talbot love nest, young and earnest family lawyer Neil is talking to June about the divorce. June is bingeing on whisky with a self-pity chaser while going over the details. June tries to tell Neil about what Malla told her but Neil thought she was suffering from a case of the DT's.

It is then Paul comes home, wanting to stop divorce papers from being drawn up. Paul explains his reasons to a confused Neil and drunken June about the miraculous powder that the mysterious Malla had shown him. Paul then professes his love to June (yeah, right) and plans to take her on a romantic vacation many women dream of.

Oh, yes, dear readers, our gallant Paul is taking his Guinea pig--ah, wife--roughing it on a safari through deepest darkest Africa! June, buying this declaration of love, agrees to the journey. To each her own, but I personally think he should have given her a diamond ring to make up for his behavior. After all it has worked for Kobe Bryant hasn't it?

Soon enough we are in the mysterious continent of Africa and Paul is making serious negotiations with expert guide David Garvey. David is not willing to go near the Naudos but Paul's persuasive money cause him to change his mind. Egad, I had to check the video to make sure I was still watching The Leech Woman for I thought someone had put in a tape of Monster From Green Hell while I was out of the room. Nope, this is The Leech Woman ‘cause I see our characters travel amongst the stock footage (courtesy of the Universal feature Tanganyika) endlessly.

However our heroine June is beginning to suspect hubby Paul has less then loving feelings toward her. Gee, could it be the way he introduces her as "the little Guinea pig" when others are around? June confronts the lout about the way he had been treating her, but she is soothed by shallow displays of affection.

Then she adds up some numbers and realizes the plan Paul has for her, so she decides to run away and take her chances with the stock footage jungle creatures.  A stock footage cheetah would have mauled June if it weren't for the sharp shooting skills of the handsome David. Gee, isn't it lucky to have a hunter amongst your crowd?

Soon enough, the Naudos decide to be good sports and send a welcoming party to our explorers. There they discover Malla!

Malla then shows them the plant from which the magic powder was extracted. Paul wants to purchase the plant but Malla won't hear anything of this. Malla then tells them that she will regain her youth that night and they are welcome to watch. Hey, with an offer like that how could they refuse?

So our group arrives to get their good seats for the show that was about to happen. Just then, a young man is brought to this bowl, and his face is dipped in the fluid. Gee, it’s a good thing we have Paul being our play-by-play commentator--otherwise we would be
confused. As Paul is delivering his explanations moment by moment, the priest takes out a ring and stabs the young man with it! Through Paul's delivery we find out that the young man was drugged and that ring took out his pineal gland.

Just then we see Malla take a pinch of powder out of this skull and mix the gland juice with the powder. Gee, that's a helluva smoothie, isn't it? Well, at that moment, the villagers start up their fog machine and when the smoke clears we see a younger, lovelier Malla.

Of course, there is some disbelief amongst our heroes that this is the same Malla, but when she flashes them the tattoo they are convinced. (Although I had to wonder why David and Paul asked to see it again and again though.) Malla then makes the announcement that this is the tradition of their village that an elderly person is giving a short time of youth and beauty before death.

It is then Malla drops the bombshell that they will die at the same time as her so that the secret is safe. Malla then makes the offer to grant any wish except freedom and Paul asks Malla to make his wife young again. Malla then has a girl-to-girl talk with June, telling her that she has to choose the man to be sacrificed. June is completely freaked out at the idea and refuses--a proper lady would never do such a thing!

However Paul then tells her that he and David are going to escape but they will return for her. Somehow readers, I have a feeling June has just chosen her victim! Sure enough, she announces to Malla about changing her mind and June has the satisfaction of watching a horrified Paul being led off to slaughter.

David then mentions to June about the necklace she has given him for safekeeping and how that would make a great gift to Malla. Malla agrees to let David pick up the "Bling Bling" but he secretly picks up some "Boom Booms."

So now June is on the throne waiting for her makeover while Paul is being slaughtered. Malla is guiding June to take out the pinch of powder out of the skull and mixes it with Paul's pineal gland juice. I had to wonder what Malla thought when she saw June slam the
shot glass down after she drank it. Soon enough the fog machine starts up again and then after it clears we see the new, improved June Talbott.

Judging by the look on David's face, we see that it is a success! Malla then brings June out to the village so they could see her new self, and there was indeed rejoicing in the land. David decides to skip out on June's unveiling in order to commit a little larceny of the miraculous Nopi powder and the ring. Malla soon tells June and David to make use of the night for in the morning they will be dead. However, a well-placed stick of dynamite soon changes that plan as the desperate duo run off to the jungle.

The two run off into the jungle trying to escape the villagers for some time, until they run into a river with stock footage gators. The two run off to a secluded spot where they could escape to, and in the meanwhile have a little jungle love! During the afterglow they have a little pillow talk about her makeover and then David shows her that he has acquired the remedy. It was interesting to notice how he took it away from her, almost to say he didn't trust her even after they bungled in the jungle.

My, how the morning after an "encounter" changes everything! Our dear June has lost her youthful beauty overnight and now David is showing his true weasel nature by scurrying away. Gee, isn’t' that just like a man trying to get away the morning after?

David runs away from the newly aged June and runs into the ever-obligatory quicksand. He begs June to help him, and June says she will, provided he hand over the pouch with the goods. The desperate fellow gives her the Nopi and June proceeds to help...herself to David's pineal gland. Once again June pulls out the shot glass and slams down the elixir. Just like Elizabeth Bathory who committed murder for a youth elixir, now June does the same.

The scene changes back to the airport back in the United States where June's lawyer Neil and his lovely fiancée Sally (Paul's catty assistant) wait for June to arrive. They are dismayed that they don't see June coming off of the plane, thinking perhaps security
measures caused her to miss the plane. They are both surprised when June's niece "Terry" shows up in her aunt's place. Terry immediately takes a huge shine to Neil, for we sense heat between those two. However, the temperature gets downright chilly as Sally
has a polite chat with Terry, just to inform her that Neil is her fiancée.

So Terry is brought back to the Talbott home, where she begins to ensnare Neil in her trap. After a drink at her--her "aunt's"—bar, Terry asks Neil to bring her suitcases upstairs for her. As soon as she has her prey in her clutches she shoves him out the door! Oh do you
blame him, he kissed her eyebrow and it wasn't the first date! Oh yeah, Terry was changing back into the rapidly aging June at this moment. Sheesh, I know most anti-aging treatments don't last long, but this is ridiculous!

So, after procuring some fast cash and jewels from Neil, she begins to cruise the seedy part of town for a new gland donor. (Excuse me; this is a seedy part of town? It looks cleaner then some suburban places I have been in.) So June is in her finery and jewelry hoping to catch a donor that night. After a run in with the movie's comic relief, she runs into a weasel of a fellow who seems interested in one thing.

Yes, I thought this movie was going to veer off into NC-17 territory when we see those two having a steamy moment in the car. It is so apparent what he is after here, isn't it? He is staring intently at her large diamond necklace and decides he is gonna go after that. So he decides to try to choke June, which proves to be his final mistake, as he becomes her new donor. Am I the only one that notices the irony that she has replaced the need for booze with a need for this elixir?

Sally in the meanwhile appears at Neil's office, and the two have a serious argument concerning "Terry." So then we see Sally show up at Terry’s door, ready to fight for her man.  Judging by the looks of the room and how Terry is dressed, she was clearly not
expecting Sally! Sally is there to take Terry to the airport so that she can fly out of she and Neil's lives until their honeymoon.

Just in case Terry needs further convincing, Sally brought her handy gun! (Gee, in any other movie the two gals would have had a rip-roaring catfight in a convenient puddle of mud. Sorry fellows.) Terry asks if she could get her coat and Sally lets her, which proves to be Sally's undoing. Terry/June takes her gland juice for safekeeping in case she would need a pick-me-up later.

Okay, cue the romantic music for now Neil is visiting "Terry" at her place. Gee, for someone who was engaged, he is now declaring his love for Terry and he proposes! Terry decides to decline his offer ( I would have, too)and just wants to enjoy the moment, which
must have seemed a good idea to Neil.

However the police coming to investigate a murder interrupt the romantic interlude! Gosh, don’t' you hate it when that happens? It appears that June's calling card was left with the sleaze ball victim from last night, and the police have a warrant to search the place.

Terry/June begins to freak out, looking more suspicious to the policemen as they start searching the place. It is then Terry/June's victim Sally is found in the closet (lousy place to hide a body, June) and her secret is found out. Terry/June then begins to explain to the policemen that the people had to die so that she could use her formula.

Just then Terry/June starts aging before their eyes so June darts back to the bedroom to use Sally's gland juice for the elixir. To her horror, she discovers that the powder only works with male pineal glands and she ages even more!

The policemen and Neil break down the door and discover that June threw her aged self out of the window. We see the credits roll by and are reminded that this is a Universal movie. It then hits me that the Leech Woman is the ignored Universal Monster!  Yeah, it’s just like the male-centric society to ignore this gal. Yes, I know the Bride of Frankenstein is well known and publicized but that is because she married into
the clique!

So why isn't there an action figure of the Leech Woman? There could be an action figure with points of articulation that includes the Nopi powder, the deadly ring, and a bottle of booze as her accessories! Let's not forget the special edition 18-inch doll that would have an interchangeable younger head and elderly head in the box.

If anyone out there creates such a figure, I want a cut of the royalties!