Yes, boils and ghouls, it is the Thanksgiving month, and we're all slated to sit down to a Thanksgiving feast.  But why must it always be turkey?  There are other foods out there...even stuff that you may not even consider to be food.  One cult horror flick has a suggestion along those lines and so, hold on your stomach and try to follow our own Crystal Gulliroy as she goes...

By CRYSTAL GULLIORY

"What did you do to tick off Renfield?"

That has been some of the reactions when I tell people the movie I am reviewing this month—the 1981 slimy non-hit The Worm Eaters. Others (such as my good friend Noah) thought it was cool that I was going to write about the classic cult movie from the great Ted V Mikels. Man, that time on the ark must have really messed him up.

I have to admit I had more then my share of misgivings about viewing and writing this piece. When I got the email with my assignment I was hoping beyond hope that Renfield was kidding. After all, who would have an article about this disgusting movie in his ’zine during Thanksgiving time?

I accepted my assignment, for I am made of tough stuff and it takes a bit to knock me over. I even started to wonder if eating worms would be so bad? Could it be that it is our Western mind that gags at the thought of eating things like worms? There are those who believe that eating worms and bugs may very well be the wave of the future; in fact they are a delicacy in parts of the world. After all, they have a goodly amount of protein and the world is full of them.

There are some who can dry the worms, ground them and add them to flour for the extra protein. I can see you gagging at this thought but consider this--how many times have we seen people dressed to the nines, go to a fancy restaurant and dine on snails? Oh, sure it has a hoity-toity name of Escargot, but they are just snails in butter. Let's think about the tradition of putting a worm in tequila, and who knows how many have drunkenly swallowed that worm? Let us also consider the crawfish, which is a delicacy in my hometown goes by another name: mudbugs.

Again, are worm eaters such a big deal? After all, isn't that a stunt on Survivor or Fear Factor?

So, with this in mind, I prepared to view the movie with an open mind. I was fine until I looked at the illustration on the DVD box!

Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!

I settled down, still keeping an open mind but getting a queasy stomach. Armed with a strong beer in hand, I turned on the movie and began to watch. It is then we are greeted that cheery cover tune of "Nobody likes me, everybody hates me." Add to the sight those bright and cheery drawings of worms at play and I knew I was going to be in for a long evening.

The scene opens up to a bunch of guys around a campfire and we hear the sound of bodily noises. I was beginning to wonder if I had the videotape of Blazing Saddles but then I realized that the sounds were of belching. One member in the party is particularly interested in getting a piece of bass…ah…catching the biggest bass so he wants to get plenty of sleep.

Just then he hears a sound, the sound of worms crawling.( Gee, this guy must have bionic hearing, eh?) He is so intent on listening for worms that he misses the sound of someone walking around. Hmmm. He finds the worms and we get to see him put one of these worms on a fishing hook. In the next scene we see this figure shuffle around like Torgo (From Manos, The Hands Of Fate) on these palatial grounds.

Some time later, we witness the birthday party for the mayor's daughter. After the off-key rendition of "Happy birthday" the little angel has a fight with her brother over who cuts the birthday cake. After a minor family tiff (is it me or is this family slightly dysfunctional?) she sings "Happy Birthday" to herself and cuts her cake, joyfully discovering the surprise in there! Wow, gummy worms! Oh wait, gummy worms do not look or move like that.

Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!

Needless to say, this ruined the party as the guests were running to and fro away from the worms. We next have this moment where these two men are talking rather cryptically by the lake. This is the mayor and his henchmen talking about the mysterious happenings around the lake. They make mention about how the champion fishermen (seen earlier) disappeared six months ago. The two men discuss the fact that the lake is drying up and how there are developers willing to buy up that prime land. The only thing stopping them is the eccentric Herman Umgar who owns a prime portion of the desired property.

Umgar has lived on the property ever since his father died under mysterious circumstances. The mayor wants to find the deed to the place, but Umgar refuses. There is a reason for Umgar to refuse; he does not want them to destroy his lake and woods. Why am I reminded of the Lorax at this point? To think about it, this film is forward thinking, for Umgar is trying to save the wilderness. He talks to his worms in his thick German accent about how he wants them to grow big and strong. He plans to have the worms eat the crops, which will cause financial ruin for the town. Hmmm, so he is an eco-terrorist now?

Umgar hides the deed from the corrupt mayor with some of his beloved worms. Some of the worms are normal but others are different. For example, that particular batch of wigglers eats meat!

Some time later, he has company from his lovely lady friend, Heidi. Heidi is already to make a nice meal for Umgar…that is, until she sees his pets. She immediately flips out, saying it reminds her of Chinese food which she hates. Remind me to stay away from the restaurants in her town! She calms down and expresses an interest in Umgar (Lord knows why) but she makes it clear that she is no gold digger. (Yeah, and this is my natural hair color.)

She is all set to fix a meal for Umgar, but sees more worms! She runs away screaming from the kitchen.  Take my advice fellows--a traumatized girl is not ready for romance. Umgar decides to make amends by fixing her a nice pasta dinner in his kitchen. Now really, would anyone want to eat anything in his house?

Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww! 

Heidi calms down again and is back to her flirtatious self. She twirls a big ol’ bunch of spaghetti noodles on her fork, showing off the way she learned to eat pasta in Italy. (Note: Those with queasy stomachs should really go on to the next article in this ‘zine, it just goes downhill from here!)

We see in slow motion as she slurps the pasta, and to our disgust and horror also see that she is slurping on a real worm. The camera shows a close-up on her chewing down and slurping on the worm and noodles. The worm goes in and then pokes back out and we see the chewed up noodles as well.

Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!

I know this is for the shock factor but should they really show bad manners like this?

Soon she begins to choke and have a seizure in Umgar's kitchen. To his horror, he witnesses something odd happening to Heidi. She is mutating into a worm!

Being the kindly gentleman he is, he makes a cage for her to live in. Umgar figures that the bigger the worm, the worse damage she could cause the crops! However, Umgar has other worries when the dwellers on his campgrounds (what kind of morons stay near a dried up lake?) demand food.  One man is demanding that Umgar take a personal order from his wife, and two annoying teenage girls are obsessed with hot dogs.

Umgar takes the order and serves breakfast to the fudgie jonzing woman. With horror, Umgar sees her eating two of his worms, and rather than stop her he lets her keep going. Gee, you'd think he'd stop her from eating one of his pets, eh? Soon enough, she starts choking and changing into a wormy being. On the positive side, Heidi now has a new roommate!

Meanwhile, another camper is checking out these strange tracks near the lake. While there she notices that the lake is growing red, but that is from red algae. However, that is more common in the Pacific Ocean. I wonder if that has something to do with what is going on with the worms?

Later on that night, three visitors, the missing fishermen, wake Umgar up! However, now I suppose the correct term for these fellows would be Worm Men.) You see, the fishermen ate the fish that they caught with those strange worms. Now they live under the red tide, no longer to dwell among the humans. They need Umgar help, for they need for him to bring some girls to them. Gee, so he is a dating service now?

Meanwhile, one of the worm guys starts noticing the Worm Gals that Umgar has in the cage and starts chatting them up in worm language. Umgar persuades the Worm Men not to touch those females, for he will bring them girls. The trio agrees to this--after all there are only two Worm Gals there and one of the fellows would be excluded.

The next day, the annoying teenage duo are about to go to the lake, but are lured by hot dogs. How generous of Umgar to add that extra bit of worm for protein. The two girls eat the wormy hot dogs, keel over, and promptly mutate, and Umgar brings them into his house. The other gal who was checking out the tracks sees the weirdness and is captured by Umgar. The girl is looking bored as Umgar is telling her how she arouses feelings in him.

Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!

We don't need to go there do we? The girl convinces Umgar that she is on his side and she does not want to see him lose his land. (Of course she says that now.) He agrees to give his deed to a young man who would bring it to the council meeting that night. That’s where the crooked politicos vote on rezoning and selling the land to developers. He ties up the woman to show he really knows the ways of love.

Meanwhile, the mayor and his cronies are planning on torching Umgar's place and killing him. They get everything ready and don their outfits—white robes and hoods--for the occasion. I don't know what is more disturbing about this movie, the worm eating or these Klansmen wannabes about to torch a house. They are all set to do damage, but they forgot the matches!

The City Council meeting is going on now, with discussions about how everyone is losing money. It is decided that the only way to save their town and to line their pockets is to rezone. However a young man showing Umgar’s deed interrupts the meeting.  This causes a minor controversy, but the council decides to vote for rezoning anyway. This makes Umgar angry and he has a particularly squirmy plan for revenge!

He manages to get worms in the food of the town. So we are treated to shots of people eating food with their mouths open, just so we could get a good look at the worms in their food. Excuse me, but…

Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!

While this is going on we hear a reprise of the opening theme song, which is cheerily song by a group of children. The viewer has to fight the urge to gag while watching these bits and hearing the music I must say. Umgar even manages to get worms into chewing tobacco (which some stud was about to graciously offer to some ladies…my, what a cultured gentleman) and tequila. Now I have to ask, is the worm in the tequila such an odd thing? I thought it was traditional!

Umgar is relishing in the havoc he is causing that day and so he returns to his home a happy man. However, that happiness is short-lived, for the mayor is waiting for him and he is bent on revenge. The mayor is peeved that Umgar lied to him about the deed, so he wants to finish Umgar off once and for all. The two men scuffle and Umgar pushes him into the lair of his mutated pets that chow down!

All is well with the world for Umgar; at least it was until he was pulled outside by a lure in his mouth! Why, it’s our friends the horny—ah-lonely Worm Men. They are upset that he has not provided them with dates, so they are now going to go into the city and to do themselves. Gee, thought they could not do that which is why they needed Umgar. There is a special punishment for Umgar, who is fed worms.  Lots of worms.

Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!

You’ve guessed it--Umgar is now changed into one of the Worm People, and he is still determined to ruin the crops, so he slithers toward the nearby farms. Meanwhile, the Worm Men are…ahem....with the women of the town, trying to procreate. (One of them fortunately unties the bound woman who promptly makes tracks away from the scene.) Umgar is still sliding along to the crops, but he has to cross this road to do so. Along that road comes a huge truck and ends Umgar's plan for crop destruction.

So there you have it, one of the most disgusting movies I have had to watch in a long time. Thanks to this little gem I can't look at most food now, except for cereal and candy corn, which I am nibbling on now. Ummm--why is that piece of candy corn moving? Oh no…

Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!

(Extra wormy bonus! If you'd like to see the scenes that made Crystal go, "Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww! ", you can click here.  Warning...we're not responsible for any tummy upsets.) 

Thanks, Crystal.  But I thought you had a stronger tummy than that!  What a baby!  How can you get so queasy over watching a group of actors eat actual live worms mixed in with food, watch those worms wrigging as they get chewed up and swallowed and...ummm, excuse me...I'll be right back...

Article copyright © Crystal Gulliory.  Urrrrrrrrrrrrrrrp!

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