By Renfield
The Yuletide Season is a time of
revels, hail-and-fellowship, and
good
cheer. For Renfield, it is also a time of good fear. That’s
right, boils and ghouls--it just wouldn't be a "Scary
Christmas" without the sound of "slay belles" and
Jack-The-Ripper tapping at your door. And although Renfield
always appreciates a nice box of chocolate-covered flies (perhaps
chocolate-covered spiders this year?), his favorite Christmas
gift is a nice horror video or two. Perhaps some of you out there
also get into the spirit of "Scary Christmas" and wish
to buy the folks on your Chopping List that perfect horror
holiday video. For those of you so inclined, we present our
suggested Video Gifts For A "Scary" Christmas...
Certainly a suitably spooky seasons-greeter would be a video depicting Christmas horror fun and games. Alas, the picking are mighty lean. The actual Christmas horror films are mostly too cheesy to pleasey.
The ultimate bad-taste holiday horror flick is of course, Silent Night, Deadly Night, AKA Slayride (1984). This film, as you may recall, initially appeared in theaters just prior to the Christmas season, and it generated a howl of protest that could be heard at the North Pole. The film’s depiction of a young boy whose parents are brutally slain by a psycho Santa and consequently becomes a psycho Santa himself was inordinately mean-spirited, without even a hint of ghoulish fun. The highlight (or lowlight) of this Christmas Stalking has the Santa Slasher impaling Scream Queen Linnea Quigley on a pair of deer antlers (ouch!). Our Killer Claus even utilizes a string of gaily blinking Christmas lights to commit murder. The original distributor, Tri-Star, was hounded by the swell of protests over the film to dump the property, which was subsequently picked up by another distributor. Like many modern substandard horror films, Silent Night went into terminal sequel-itis, spawning Parts Two, Three, Four, and only Santa knows how many more. The first sequel offers such delights as a nun getting her head chopped off and a smart-alec kid is electrocuted with a car battery (!). Pass!
No better is Don’t Open Till Christmas (1985), which Renfield suggests you don’t open at all (even though Caroline Munro does qualify as good eye-candy). Even worse, if possible, is a newish film released directly to video entitled Santa Claws (1997). This flick has the singular distinction of being directed by John Russo, who co-wrote the original Night Of The Living Dead (1968). The flick was also shot in Pittsburgh, the original George Romero-Zombieland. Also, those are the only good aspects. Otherwise, this story, concerning a sickie baby-sitter who dresses in a Santa suit to kill, offers nothing but poor production values, bad acting, and not a shard of real suspense or chills.
Incidentally, while we’re on the subject of bloody Christmas themes, it’s a fact that the "Godfather of Gore," Herschell Gordon Lewis, made a Christmas movie. Unfortunately (or fortunately), it was not one of his butcher-shop brown-bag productions, but, instead, a legitimate kiddy flick entitled Santa Claus Visits The Land Of Mother Goose (1967). By all accounts, this budget-basement production was about as unwatchable as any of his splatter epics. Old H. G. should have stuck to gore.
Two exceptions to the Christmas horror dishonor list are worth noting. The first is one segment of the anthology Tales From The Crypt (1972). This fright flick was based on the infamous E.C. horror comics of the early Fifties, and it drew its plotlines from a few of the comics’ more horrific stories. One in particular, "And All Through The House," stars a pre-Dynasty Joan Collins. She’s a wicked wife and mother who murders her hubby on Christmas Eve and then finds herself held at bay by a psycho killer who has donned a Santa costume. The original comics story this segment was based on scared the bejabbers out of Renfield when he was a little loony, and Joan and her co-stars do a fine job of bringing the comic-book story to life (and death) on the screen.. See the original, skip the inferior HBO remake, is my advice.
The second exception is Black Christmas (1974, AKA Silent Night, Evil Night; A Stranger In The House). This early entry in the psycho-slasher series is a superior effort, one that manages to mix shivery scenes with wicked humor, all set on a holiday backdrop. This holiday horror was directed by Canadian Bob Clark, who directed the Porky’s films and also directed one of the best Christmas family movies--A Christmas Story. (You may remember him as director of the zombie black comedy Children Shouldn’t Play With Dead Things, 1972.) At any rate, Black Christmas is not heartwarming family fare. It concerns a sorority house of rich-bitchy coeds who get knocked off one by one by a mysterious assassin during the Christmas holidays. The lead, Olivia Hussy, who rang young Renfield's bell as the female lead in the original film version of Romeo And Juliet (1968), is a pregnant young coed who, with her witchy friend, played by Margot (Twins) Kidder, spend the holidays at the sorority house. Add square-jawed John Saxon portraying a dumbfounded cop and Kier (2001: A Space Odyssey) Dullea as a suspect, and you have the makings of a killer-thriller that’s a cut above. Quick-cutting and imaginative point-of-view direction by Clark and a moody, almost mystical element in the menace make this one memorable and suitable for Christmas stocking stuffing. By the way, the gore is kept at an absolute minimum (one coed is dispatched with a plastic bag).
Finally, we have a pair of animated features that are perfect Christmas video gifts for young and old horror fans.
First off, we have Renfield’s
personal favorite, Dr. Seuss’s How The
Grinch Stole Christmas (1966). An annual
holiday TV offering like Rudolph The
Red-Nosed Reindeer, having your own video
copy of Grinch ensures
you can see it when you want during the holidays, rather than
when the networks decided to schedule it. And Grinch
is eminently watchable, featuring top-grade animation by Warner
Brother’s legendary cartoonist Chuck (Roadrunner) Jones, a
sweet but not sappy story of the true meaning of Christmas, and.
best of all, voice-over narration by horror icon Boris Karloff.
Although it’s not a horror holiday story per
se, the Grinch is certainly a monster in a
manner of speaking, and besides--there’s Boris Karloff! Case
closed! One of the few problems is the running time--just 26
minutes and one wishes it were longer. But a lot happens in that
short time, what with the denizens of Whoville having their
Christmas literally stolen from them by the grumpy Grinch who is
definitely cast in the mold of Mr. Scrooge. Following lots of
slapstick comedic animation (Chuck Jones' veteran direction
shines through here), the Grinch succeeds in stealing
Christmas--and also fails, for the Whoville residents get
Christmas even sans
presents. To quote Karloff: "Maybe Christmas, he (the
Grinch) thought, doesn’t come from a store. Maybe Christmas,
he thought, means a little bit more." Indeed.
Our second animated feature runs
considerably longer and is more to the point for a
Christmas horror--Tim (Beetlejuice,
Batman) Burton’s The
Nightmare Before Christmas (1994). Unlike Grinch,
Nightmare is not cartoon
animation, but puppet animation--more specifically Claymation.
Jack Skellington, the pumpkin king of Halloween, seeks something
new besides the stagnant frights of Halloween. He finds Christmas
and is enchanted by a holiday without horror and goes back to
Halloween and takes on the role of Scary Santa for the Halloween
residents--but he delivers less than satisfactory gifts and
misses the true meaning of Christmas. The animated characters,
from Jack on down, are weird, wacky, and wonderfully rendered,
the stop-motion animation is flawless, the story moves along at a
good clip, and there’s some tuneful songs and funny gags to
spice up this Halloween brew. It is literally a twisted
Christmas-Halloween fever dream brought to startling life. But it
has the final, seasonal sentiment that makes it suitable for all
ages. Just for the record, Burton didn’t direct this
production--that chore was undertaken by Henry Selick, who did an
excellent job. Leave room in that Christmas stocking for this
video also.
Of course, one can’t ignore the obvious holiday horror helping—Santa Claus Conquers The Martians (1964). This film is in color so that the green faces of the Martians (including little Pia Zadora in her first role as a moppet Martian), the apple-cheeked face of Santa Claus, and the freckled faces of the two heroic Earth kids who help Santa defeat the aforementioned Martians are glaringly evident. So are the cheap production values, the hammy acting, and the talky exposition that makes this film seem to run twice its actual length. As a cult item, this brainless kiddy matinee item doesn’t qualify; as a party film (so bad it’s good) it passes muster as long as you don’t actually watch it; as a horror film it qualifies, although not in the way the producers intended. Warning: This chintzy Christmas flick has an awful theme song warbled by a bunch of adenoidal kids that will stick remorselessly in your memory for weeks afterwards. Give this as a present to distant relatives only—"distant" in every sense of the word.
But enough of Renfield’s rambling. What do horror authorities and knowledgeable fans recommend, those a bit more compos mentis than the old fly-eater? Renfield asked a few folks to recommend some suitable horror holiday stocking stuffers. Those recommendations begin below.
* * *
Ron Adams, Creepy Classics Video
Grab your mistletoe noose and get ready for a video slay ride.
1) DEAD OF NIGHT (1945) An anthology of fun, good old-fashioned ghost/supernatural stories. The first tale takes place during the holidays in a big old mansion. Young men and women are playing hide-and-seek and one (un)lucky girl gets to hide with a dead boy. Always a favorite and a nice watch to warm your hands over the video-tube by this season.
2) TALES
FROM THE CRYPT (1972) The British anthology
film from '72 with Peter Cushing and others. The first episode
(just like DEAD OF NIGHT) is based around the holidays. It stars
Joan Collins (!) As a murderess who neatly and systematically
kills her husband on Christmas eve while her daughter sleeps
upstairs. Well, as is the tradition with Tales From the Crypt,
poetic justice will not let the deed go unanswered! A homicidal
maniac escapes from a local asylum. Dressed as Santa Claus, he
has targeted the house.
3) TWILIGHT ZONE CHRISTMAS. This video tape features the classic Zone episode with Art Carney as an alcoholic who is finds Santa's toy bag! A twist on the Santa legend that is satisfying and uplifting for all fantasy lovers.
4) RUDOLF THE RED NOSED REINDEER. The classic puppetmation Christmas story....hey, isn't this one of the things that got us interested in monsters!!!??? I can remember it like yesterday: the mid-sixties, sitting,transfixed to the tube. I was awaiting the appearance of the abominable snowman. Albino fierceness in my young eyes....and yet the creature is really not to be frightened of, but pitied by the climax (the Frankenstein story?).
5) SANTA CLAUS (1964/Mexican) Ooooooohhhh yeah! This could be titled Santa Vs. Satan! A South-of-the-Border gem that I saw in the theaters with my mom. Looking back, I don't know how she sat through it. But I loved it (and still do). Total weirdness with Satan and an evil sidekick try to off Santa. Don't miss it cult movie fans!
6) SANTA CLAUS CONQUERS THE MARTIANS (1964) Another kitsch Christmas novelty! Pia Zadora (5 years old) co-stars. The kind thing us monster boomers grew up on.
7) GHOST STORY (1981 ) People seem to trash this film a lot...perhaps based on it in context with the book on which it is based. But, standing alone, I found this scary and a rather neat movie in the old-school ghost story vein. It's starts with ghost story telling on a holiday get together. Great spooky swan song for actors like Fred Astaire, Melvyn Douglas, Douglas Fairbanks Jr. and John Houseman.
8) THE NIGHTMARE BEFORE CHRISTMAS (1993 ) Tim Burton's wonderful blend of Halloween, Christmas and music. Told in puppetmation that looks just wonderful. If you haven't seen this, it's a magic film that will age like wine from Transylvania. Thank you for the fairy tale Tim Burton.
9) BEYOND TOMORROW (1940 ) Richard Carlson and Maria Ouspenskaya (gypsy woman from THE WOLF MAN) in a bizarre little Christmas fantasy. 3 wealthy men match up two young people on Christmas eve. The men are killed in an aircraft crash and their ghosts come back from the grave to act as guardian angels of sorts. Ouspenskaya is wonderful as the housekeeper for the three gentlemen.
10) A CHRISTMAS CAROL (1938) I know this isn't always people's favorite version...but it's mine. The ghost segments are great and it just has a real magical quality. Timmy is played by the same young boy who appears in some of Universal's Sherlock Holmes series (Terry Kilburn). The perfect Christmas Eve fantasy.
* * *
Dave Dreher, The Mining Company's Horror Webpage
When I think of Scary movies with a Christmas theme, one series of films always is the first to come to mind. The Silent Night-Deadly Night series. Remember these flicks, with the guy dressed like Santa running around hacking people up.....lol.
* * *
Jean-Guy and Sara Landriault, STUMP Webzine
Christmas themed - You can't go wrong with Black Christmas, but you probably already knew that. 4 recent - Scarecrows, 1988, Director William Wesley - Wonderfully good fun. Popcorn, 1991, Director Mark Herrier - So-so premise but still a frighteningly humorous chiller. The Offspring ,1986. Director Jeff Burr - A terrific outing by Mr.. Vincent Price. An American Werewolf in London, 1981, Director John Landis - Got it all, humor, violence, and classic horror elements. Since you probably know the classics better than me I'm only going to throw out one suggestion - Horror of Dracula, 1958, Director Terence Fisher. I believe it was the first of Hammer's Dracula series and it has one hell of an ending. Sara's suggestion - For permanent nightmares watch Jingle All The Way with Arnold Schwarzanegger (sorry about the spelling I don't even know If I'm close:). Just a terrible Christmas film. Haha.
* * *
Kevin Slick
Of course you'd want to have Boris Karloff visit your house as the Grinch...what holiday would be complete without it? For a Scary Christmas - I think I would select some good movies to watch on a cold winter's night. The Innocents with Deborah Kerr, maybe Psycho, and how about The Haunting? I'm thinking of an evening alone with the wind howling outside and the lights down low...in an old house if possible.
* * *
Ralph "The Lonster" Willis
How about Night Of The Demon for a Christmas stocking stuffer? Its one of my favorites. Dana Andrews is very good and the special effects are pretty good (especially for 1957). Apparently it appeals to all age groups because this summer I watched my copy of it with my uncle (in his late sixties) and my nephew (he's 12) and they both enjoyed it.
* * *
Marty Bauman, The Astounding B-Monster
I'd be happy to make some suggestions -- and these are all available in remarkably nice, new prints.
- Flight to Mars
- Project Moonbase
- Teenage Monster
- Astounding She Monster
- Rocketship XM
Keep in mind that I make theses recommendations more for their (in some cases dubious) place in sci fi-horror history than for their intrinsic merit. Most importantly, they're all terrific fun! All are available from Wade Williams, outfit, Englewood Entertainment.
* * *
Dean Harris, "Silent Scream," The Barbara Steele Webpage
Since most of the Steele
titles aren't available at local retailers, I'll be conservative
with
them and just say that the Mask
of Satan and Night
of the Doomed/Nightmare Castle videos
available from European Trash Cinema are absolute musts. Other
great titles available in the US are the fairly recent
letterboxed reissues of Tombs of the
Blind Dead, Plague of the Zombies, Psycho, Alice, Sweet Alice
(which is much better than I had remembered it being), and Halloween.
With the exception of Psycho,
which retails for around $20, these are no more than $15, so how
can you beat them? To please the fan of more obscure titles, I'd
go once again to European Trash Cinema for copies of Whip
and the Body,Cannibal Holocaust, Four Flies on Gray Velvet (letterboxed,
and in English!), and, for those that can't wait for the pending
remaster/reissue of Fulci's only worthwhile flick (IMHO) The
Beyond (letterboxed/English). How's that
for a list?
* * *
Brian "HorrorWitz," Trash Palace
Here's a list any of which would make a great stocking stuffer or, in some cases, be a good way to tell that pesky cousin or aunt to "Buzz off!!":
1. Santa Claus ('59)-directed by Rene Cardona, MEXICO. There's something unsettling about this color live-action kids' film. Make sure you get the uncut version with lots of red Devils running around in hell and trying to convince little kids to steal toys! A K. Gordon Murray production.
2. The Holy Mountain ('73)-director Alexandro Jodorowsky, MEXICO. A religious film of sorts, but WHAT religions I'm unsure of! A group of people from other planets gather to tell stories of their strange worlds before they embark on a strange journey to search for the holy mountain. A story of mysticism and with some of the most bizarre images ever put on film!
3. The World's Greatest Sinner ('62)-directed, produced, written and starring Timothy Carey, U.S.A.. Carey plays an insurance salesman who one day decides he is God! He uses rock-n-roll to preach his twisted gospel. The films ends with a miraculous proof of the existence of Christ! Frank Zappa scored this offbeat film.
4. Tales From The Crypt ('72)-director Freddie Francis, ENGLAND. Classic horror anthology with stories taken from the E.C. comic book! Joan Collins stars in the best psycho-Santa tale ever! Perfect for the tiny tots! "Mommy, is Santa going to kill me tonight? "
5. Meet The Feebles ('89)-director Peter Jackson, NEW ZEALAND. An adult Muppets parody with an overweight suicidal hippo, a rabbit with a social disease, a Viet Nam vet turtle hooked on smack ...you get the idea. Over-the-top violence highlight this musical comedy which, despite the "for adults" warning, is still packaged in a way that had probably a few shocked parents accidentally slap this one on for the kiddies (which this definitely AINT!). Play this one for your little nieces & nephews and never be worried about being invited back next year!
There! Hope this is OK! Not all "horror" films exactly, but certainly horrifying in their own way! Merry XXXmas!
* * *
Thanks to all contributors for the holiday horror video picks! Renfield would love to find any of these tasty terror treats in his Christmas stocking! And now, as Renfield scuttles out of sight, may we wish a Merry Christmas to all—and to all a Ghoul Night!
French "Black Sunday poster courtesy of "Silent Scream"
