By CRYSTAL GUILLORY

Since I have moved to my new crypt so long ago, my life has been a busy one indeed. I do think that's due to the fact that my beau, C. Parker Ghould is one of the busiest creatures I know. If he's not in his laboratory creating new intoxicating concoctions (some of which he won medals for from the members of the Dunedin Boo-er's Guild) he plays the keyboard in the band, "Boney Fiend." The latter keeps him busy on many Saturday nights as I accompany him to various locales helping him lug some equipment into each place. So much for the glamorous life for a musician's ghoulfriend!

This past Saturday night was no exception, for Boney Fiend had a gig at the local dive known as The Pigasus Lounge. This particular venue prides itself on its offbeat decor which including various paintings and sculptures of winged pigs done in the style of different artists. Granted this was not the normal place for the band to have a gig but they were booked by the club's owner, Mr. Hamm, as a special favor to the featured guest that night.

You see, the local indie filmmaker Pat "Black Cat" Spartan was showing his latest feature that night at this dive and wanted Boney Fiend to play a few songs beforehand. Apparently, the filmmaker discovered them and liked their songs so Boney Fiend was booked tonight. This surprised me for the past few gigs at this lounge have been disasters in the making, so perhaps the 13th time was the charm!

The group played to a decent amount of people and after the show it was time for the movie, entitled Yeast Of The Yellow Night. The director walked on the stage and explained that his latest endeavor was a homage to the monster movies of the past, the type that made us look for monsters under the bed and sleep with the lights on. Already I was intrigued by this for I had heard decent things about this director and was eagerly looking forward to seeing this opus, even though a thought was brewing in my head concerning the time of year. I ignored that thought…but I wish I had paid attention now!

The lights went off and we were all waiting to see what was going to be on that small screen that night.

The opening shot is of a small bar in the middle of nowhere, which oddly looked like the exterior of The Pigasus Lounge but it had the sign, "Icehouse Bar and Grill" instead. Could this be another reason why this movie was premiered here? Anyway, this fellow stumbles out of the place and he is obviously tipsy beyond belief. He was talking to himself about how the beer really affected him tonight, which was obvious, for he was oblivious to the glowing yellowish foamy substance following him.

The fellow keeps on mumbling to himself and stumbling for a mind boggingly dull five minutes and several of the audience members started to root for the yellow foam. I am so glad I wasn't the only one! Well, the drunken fellow turns around and faces the yellow fluid and begins to scream (the scream started a few seconds later--great editing).

The next day the owner of the boarding house, the Widow Pilsner, is calling the police department concerning her missing tenant. No, she isn't that concerned about him for he didn't pay her before he went to the Icehouse bar that night! Lt. Michael Guinness, a very stout fellow, arrived at her door that morning and asked her a few questions concerning her missing tenant. He then made a plan to walk over to the pub to see if he could get some questions answered later.

When the Icehouse opened he began to ask the lovely barmaid Abby the details concerning the missing patron. She began to tell Guinness about the night before and how the patron was in his own little world, mumbling something about five percent. Unfortunately, she didn't know much else (oh that's a surprise) so the Lt. stopped his questioning.

Later on the "Icehouse" was definitely hot that night for it featured the cool jazz singing of "Bernardus Monk" from Belgium. He made a joke before playing his next song (which I couldn't understand thanks to his uber thick accent), which made the audience react with wild laughter. The very surly Bud Wizer who has just started his nightly routine of drunkenly harassing his ex girlfriend interrupts the light moment. Of course this leads to the new nightly routine of the bouncer, Mcguire, throwing him out. Bud stumbles out of the place, vowing to kick McGuire's arse for stealing his girl, Abby, from him. (Gee, I wonder why Abby would drop such a sweet dreamboat like him?) In his anger, Bud is not noticing the glowing foam behind him until it was much too late!

We viewers are then "treated" to a slow scene of the yellow fluid overtaking Bud (it looks like he is deliberately walking into it but I digress) and it looks like he is being mashed to bits…ewww. Needless to say, the fellows with me enjoyed that scene a little too much.

I honestly never expected to feel some sort of sympathy for the yellow foam creature but I did. I mean, can you imagine the hellacious heartburn it got from digesting Bud?

While there were many in the sleepy town of Abeeta (we finally find out the name) was happy to hear of Bud's disappearance, Lt. Guinness still had to interrupt his donut break to look for clues. He and police rookie Barlay (who appears to be a skittish fellow), arrive at the crime scene trying to get to the bottom of the case.

Guinness noticed there was some strange foamy stuff on the ground so he has Barlay pick up the icky substance. Barlay whined about having to do such a thing but he did as he was ordered. Lt. Guinness brought this to the police lab who sent it to the local university for this was the strangest thing they have ever seen.

Professor Killian Redd was very fascinated in this yellow foam for he had never seen anything like it on the planet. He knew he was going to have to consult someone about this, so he contacted his old mentor, Professor Ommegang, who was an expert on such matters. Unfortunately for our scientific hero, Ommegang was a little more then an expert about this foam, he was the creator!

It appears the Professor Ommegang is employed by the severe looking Duchesse De Bourgogne (she is the head of the evil organization known only as PBR) who has plans for world domination. They were formulating this weapon, monstrous yellow yeasty beer foam, that could render the strongest men weak in a matter of moments, but the "yellow yeast" was lost in their travels. A phone call from Redd reveals the location of the lost "yellow yeast," so the plans could continue as planned.

Ommegang and the Duchesse (along with her creepy silent henchman Unibroue) arrive a few days later via train to that sleepy little town. Lt. Guinness begins to question the old professor about the mysterious fluid, but discovers he is being evasive about the whole matter. Redd, in the meanwhile, is working hard in the lab, trying to discover the secret of this bizarre fluid.

Sometime later the janitor, Mick Loeb, walks into the lab and breaks the beaker dish with the specimen in it. Redd hears the beaker breaking and runs inside the lab, only to discover the hapless Mick is about to be attacked by the yellow beast who has just thrown his cleaning fluid on it. The creature slinks away and the Professor is able to bottle it up again.

Professor Redd then reports the discovery to Lt. Guinness who decides to act on this tonight.

Later on that night, Guinness and Barlay are keeping a close watch on the mysterious henchman of the Duchesse and proceed to follow him. Unfortunately for the duo,Unibroue discovers he is being followed and begins to fight them. Just then the comic relief Barlay throws an incredibly lucky punch that knocks out the giant. Barlay whines about his hand hurting but is happy to see what he has just done.

Guinness then finds the key to the Duchesse's suite at the local hotel on the giant so he plans to search for some evidence. Guinness arrives at the place and begins to search, and he finds the blueprints for the world domination plans of the evil organization PBR. He then feels a gun pointed at his back and he turns around to see the icy Duchesse standing before him.

The Duchesse then begins to explain how they can use this yellow yeast foam to conquer every army of the planet, making Earth ripe for takeover (which made no damn sense to me). The Duchesse then icily informs him that he is doomed now since he knows the plan now (not like it was his idea for her to spill the details like a hurricane!). Guinness realizes he is in a bind and begins to use his classic Irish charm to get out of the situation. Apparently the Duchesse has never been sweet talked before, because she is swooning into his arms, making plans to rule to world side by side. Well, this made for a moment where Guinness can regain control of the situation and arrested Duchesse for the plot.

Sometime later, the police and army are taking Duchesse, Ommegang, and other members of the PBR organization into custody and Guinness is given a promotion for his detective work in the matter. Redd, in the meanwhile, helps the army control and destroy the yellow yeast, making things safe for quiet Abeeta again.

Alas all looks well at the Icehouse bar where Abby and others are celebrating the good news. The Belgium jazzman, Monk, is playing the piano while flirting with another pretty barmaid, Amber. Redd is hoisting a glass with Barlay who is still smarting from his sucker punch. It appears that all is well in this sleepy little town…or is it?

Unfortunately they all seem to forget about the small bit of yellow beast that got on Mick Loeb's clothes… and mutated him in the middle of the night. Arrrgh!! Did this mean the movie was to have a sequel? What did this mean? We got our answer when the mutated Mick looks into the screen and eerily cackles...

"April Fool!"